Leila Zamora Moreno's Blog

My Family & Desteni

2012-01-25T10:44:00.000+02:00

During my entire childhood I had a very bad relationship with my father. I mostly spoke Dutch at home with my mother, brother, sister as well as at school – while my father spoke French and Spanish. I was always very scared of my father, he’d come home angry and frustrated from work and then take it out on us kids. My main experiences towards my father had been fear and anger and I kept my distance.

Ever since I started participating with the Desteni, I could through the many videos, articles, forum discussion and interviews assist myself with better getting to know myself and understand how my experiences operate. At the same time I also discovered and was able to see why my dad acted the way he did – and that things weren’t as ‘simple’ as I had thought them to be (Eg – “He acts this way because he’s evil”). I could work through my own personal issues towards my father and within that change my attitude and approach in how I participated daily with my father. Once I started changing towards my father, my father started changing towards me. Our relationship improved a little bit, but not that much.

Then, after being on the farm for two years, my mom came for a second visit and my dad came with. For the first time in my life I was able to have an actual conversation with my dad. It wasn’t yet a ‘natural’ point but at least it was comfortable. Then a year and a half later (and some moreself-investigation and self-forgiveness later), my parents visited again – and for the first time in my life I was able to have actual fun with my father, have a cool conversation and enjoy each other’s company. It’s like we decided to open up a new chapter and leave the past behind. What had been done, had been done and there was no point holding on to it.

“If God Wanted Us To Live Together In Harmony, He’d Made Us Look All The Same”

2011-09-30T15:55:00.000+02:00

And God Created different Races...

I startedreading the True Blood books not so long ago, and after having read for a whileI decide that I also wanted to re-watch the previous seasons.

At some pointin the first season Sookie (who can read other’s minds / hear thoughts), isbusy waitressing at Merlotte’s and for a moment in the scene they show thevarious thoughts people are having at the bar.
One of those people is a man sitting by the bar having a beer. One of histhoughts goes something like this: “This isn’t right, all these people livingtogether like they belong. Whites, blacks, vampires… If God wanted us to livetogether in harmony, he would have made us look all the same.”

And in thatmoment while I was watching that scene, what he was saying made sense and Iagreed with his statement. Though – there are two ways one can look at hisstatement.

It is one thing to observe that “God” had made us in a particular design and‘obey’ / ‘conform’ to this design and another to observe design “God” gave usand question its intentions.

Firstly, youcould look at it the way the character in the story does: “God did not make uslook all the same, thus – we should not be living together in harmony, it’s notright”.
And secondly you could look at the statement by investigating God’s role moreclosely: “If God wanted us to live together in harmony, he would have made uslook all the same – so why didn’t he?”

So why didn’t God make us look all the same? Why did God make us lookdifferent, have different skin colours, speak different languages, havedifferent religions, different cultures? What are “God’s” intentions really?

Because looking at the design and outflow of things, his intentions are revealingthemselves to be quite questionable. I can only find one reason why God wouldhave made us look all different – and that is that he is deliberatelyattempting to breed disarray. And why would he want to do that? Well, if Iplace myself in the shoes of God as someone who is deliberately trying tocreate chaos and conflict within the world, where entire Genocides manifestbecause of this singular point – and who is very much aware of the consequenceas I, as God am omniscient and know the beginning and end of things – wellthen…I must be evil. It’s that plain and simple.

Being aware ofthis one point, seeing and realising that this singular point in existence isquestionable in terms of God’s intentions and plans for existence – doesn’t itmake you kind of wonder about everything else in the world? If God was being anasshole in this one point, what would keep him from screwing with Life on Earthin any other area? Then if you start looking at other facets of our reality youcan really spot God’s great enthusiasm for screwing things up to the ultimatepoint of dysfunctionality and ruin: poverty, war, disease, pollution, scarcity,starvation, extinction – the list goes on.

The questionthat arises is whether we will sit back and allow this existence to be as is –as God intended it to be -- Or whetherwe will stand up and take responsibility for ourselves and our fellow beings onEarth and transform this planet to a place where all can live in harmony infact.

Equal Money is the first step – investigate: www.equalmoney.org

Minority Report – Once you’ve seen the Future, you can change it

2011-09-23T13:07:00.000+02:00

I recently watched the movie ‘Minority Report’ with Tom Cruise.

The movie is about a ‘Pre-crime’ unit in the near future (2054), who rely on three “psychics” who are able to see a (murder) crime before it had been committed. The visions they get are placed on high tech screen panels where the detectives of the pre-crime unit try to find clues as to where this crime is going to take place. Once they know where it is they pack themselves with their futuristic gadgets, search robots – get out there and arrest the criminal just before he/she commits the crime.

One of the Detectives (Tom Cruise) then finds out that one of the precogs (= one of the psychics) had a vision of him killing someone that he doesn’t even know. He is now obviously wants to prevent this murder from happening. While he runs from the authorities he tries to uncover why he would want to kill this person. He is also faced with a dilemma. The whole Pre-Crime unit is based on the starting point of pre-determination (= pre-programming). If he is able to prevent the murder then he can clear is name, but then at the same time it would demonstrate that people have “choice”, and thus that ‘Pre-Crime’ is not absolute.

In the end he is just, just able to prevent the murder from happening. As he is standing ready to shoot the guy and all the points are coming together for this single event to happen – one of the precogs he took with on his search, Agatha, tells him “You don’t have to do this, once you’ve your future you can change it”. And then he ends up not killing the guy.

But now in the end of the movie they used this whole point of “choice” as an excuse to shut down the whole pre-crime unit. But the only person who ever had a ‘choice’ from all those who had been spotted as future criminals was Tom Cruise, because he was the only one of them who had seen their own future. All of the other ones, would have still committed the crime because “they didn’t know better”. So now in a way what the movie is implying is that everyone can change their future, but like they demonstrated earlier this is not true. Only those who have seen their future – who in essence have seen their programming – can change their future. So you really only have choice within that one single moment, where you see how you operate and how you are programmed to behave – and then you either decide to follow your pre-programmed path – or you choose to step of it. But unless that point is not present, the point of seeing your future/programming – you do not have a choice and you are simply a slave to your ‘destiny’.

And this is exactly what one of Desteni’s objectives is – to show and teach people how to see their own programming, to see how and what they’re going to do before they’ve even done it – and give them the practical tools to change their fate. Because – what is implied in the statement “Once you’ve seen your future you can change it”? It implies you do not only know your future, but you also know your past. And it is by knowing your past, by knowing the exact factors, events, people, reactions that played a role in moulding and shaping who you are today– that you hold the key to see the future, you hold the key to change your future.
See your Future, check out www.desteni.co.za

I Have the Right to Be How I Am

2011-09-20T20:08:00.000+02:00

When I was in primary school, maybe about 9 years old – I was walking with some friends from school towards our homes. One of the girls had started getting bullied because she gossiped a lot about pretty much everyone. She was saying something like “I can’t change who I am, I have the right to be who I am, and if anyone disagrees with how and who I am then that’s their problem”.

When she said it, everyone was just kind of silent because this was kind of a huge concept (remember, we were nine year old and we’re talking about ‘beingness’ and ‘freedom of expression’). Most of us nodded but I couldn’t help myself but think that the statement she made was just not right.

I mean, she was basically saying that, although her behaviour was harmful, no-one had the right to ask her to change because that would infringe her beingness as a whole – which is sacred.

It’s interesting to see how already from a young age, this ingrained belief exists that you cannot change and you will not change because that would simply be disrespectful. And this whole ‘I have the right to be who I am’ belief – will at any given time even prevent someone from even just attempting to change. Because if you attempt to change, well then you are admitting that there’s something “wrong” or “off” with you and that’s just too hard for the ego to handle.

Back then, I would have probably used the exact same excuse to get away with my behaviour. Instead of taking responsibility for my behaviour, simply say that “this is who I am” and asking me to “change who I am” is rude, and thus I am actually the victim of your request for me to take self-responsibility (=asking me to change).

I think this whole concept of “I am who I am and if you don’t like it then f*ck off” attitude came pretty much from all the music we listened. When I was that age we (girls) were mostly into Britney Spears, Spice Girls, Destiny’s Child etc. – and they were full of this stuff.

Even in today’s music and how relationships are portrayed in the media this point of “freedom of speech” or “freedom of expression” gets linked to one’s ‘personality’ – where one’s personality is sacred and divine no matter what and if you question or demand someone to change, you are an abuser of free speech. So all we’re doing is hiding from taking responsibility simply because we have this fucked up idea that we cannot change and we shouldn’t’ change because “we’re just right the way we are”. But if you have a look at the playouts in this world, the policies and rules that we implement = it is quite obvious that “who we are” and “how we behave” is NOT okay.

What Desteni and the Desteni message is trying to do, is to show that how we’ve created this world is not okay and that we have the power to change and make a difference. By changing ourselves and by changing the world – one step at a time. To deny yourself change, is to deny responsibility.

For more on changing yourself visit the Desteni Website
For more in changing the world visit the Equal Money Website

Proof of Pre-Programming

2011-08-20T00:57:00.001+02:00

For a few months we had moved the parrots and their cages to a different spot in our room. The way they were placed now, was in a way that our little birdie (a female house sparrow) was close to the parrots their space. Recently we’ve moved the parrots and their cages/structures to another part of the room again.

A few days ago we were busy with birdie talking to her in her cage and saw that she was displaying completely new behaviour. When we’d come close with a strange object she’d puff herself up and open her wings and make noise – which is a typical parrot thing to do when they’re scared and want to scare the other thing away. And here’s this little tiny birdie acting the exact same way!

We also have this thing where if the Parrots don’t stop their tantrums for attention, we spray them a bit with a little water spray bottle we have in our room. They’ll then make a big hoo-ha but stop what they’re doing.

What is interesting is that we never ever sprayed birdie because she’s not an attention beggar like the parrots. But when we put the water bottle spray thing close to her or show it to her she acts as if she’s a parrot that’s being sprayed lol and acts all offended. Also when we let her out flying, no matter what we do she goes out and sit on the parrot cages. She doesn’t even want to fly around or anything, she just wants to hang out with her fellow ‘flock mates’. Even though she thinks she’s a parrot, the parrots disagree and mostly try and bite her through the cage. Even after she got bitten she wouldn’t fly away from them but just stay there. So now we can’t let her out because she doesn’t get that they want to kill her. So now we can only let her out under strict supervision.

These events show how the environment plays a role in terms of programming a being. Input – Output.

Another “cool” confirmation point is that the Parrots will react to certain inputs – such as Gian making Eagle sounds – and produce a certain output – while they’ve never actually heard or seen an eagle. (When Gian made the sound the all crashed in a frenzy into the window).

When we still had TweeTweet the little flycatcher, whenever she’d see an eagle in the sky through the window, she’d shriek reeaaaally loud and then hide underneath our desks until the eagle was out of sight (even though she never got into direct contact with them).

When I first found out about Desteni I was very sceptical about this whole ‘pre-programming’ point and was looking at ways how I could show to myself that I was indeed a programmed robot. So one day as I was talking to my friends about the subject of being programmed beings, we kept on stumbling on points where the behaviour would always be something that was ‘taught’ and thus not pre-programmed. So then I looked at ‘What do I do in my reality that was not taught but has always been with me’. And then I fell upon the point of dreaming. Nobody is able to show or teach you how to dream at night – yet you are doing it. For me this was my ‘aha’ moment, of yes, I am a organic robot lol.

Or for instance, a few weeks ago I was doing a session of Contemporary Dance exercises with Maite. At some point we wanted to integrate doing ‘a wheel’ (you know where you go sideways and go stand on your hands and then keep going so you end up back on your legs) in a sequence of movements. In the exercise I kept doing the wheel at my left side, but Maite said, no you must do it from the right side. So I was like, ok fine, I’ll do it from the right side doesn’t matter.

But then when I wanted to initiate doing the wheel from the right, the moment where I have to go and put my hands on the floor and get my legs in the air – I stopped and I screamed! LOL
Because, it was so weird as if I was about to set my hands into some sort of abyss. I tried again but the exact same thing happened – I had no idea what I had to do and hit a void. Then I realised I only ever practised doing the wheel from the one side of my body and not the other when I was a kid. And whenever I would attempt doing the right side it literally felt like there was a file missing in my program.

Then Maite tried doing the left side and she had her big stop and shout moment, and was also completely astonished. We had to re-teach ourselves to do the wheel on the other side in small little steps and make everything bigger as we went along, but we really felt the struggle as we had to structure and create this new program for ourselves.

So those were some of my moments where I went “Oh woaw, I really am an organic robot” =).
In a way these little realisations are cool because as long as you’re specific in how you program yourself you know you’ll be able to carry out the task.

Technorati Tags: animals,humans,organic robot,programming,conditioning,input,output,computer,mind,desteniiprocess,equal money,desteni

Practical Agreement: Body Support

2011-07-11T23:20:00.000+02:00

One of the things that I’ve enjoyed tremendously (and am still enjoying) from the start of my agreement are body massages – mmm!

It first started when Gian and I were sitting in the lounge by the fire and Bernard still has his desk and pc right next to the fire place. As we were sitting there Bernard told us to hold hands and feel the touch – “Isn’t that so nice?” he said. That it was lol.

We’d then start with just holding hands while sitting in the lounge listening to beings in the Portal telling their story or Bernard doing an interview.We would use the physical touch through the hands as a point of support to remain ‘here’ and not go off into the mind as thoughts.

Later we then moved from playing and massaging the hand to the arm, back etc until we were comfortable to start massaging the whole body.

First we went through a phase of “Resistance”. We’d be doing a massaging session and I would be uncomfortable with Gian massaging me on certain spots and sometimes just burst out into laughter because some spots were just soooo ticklish! This was cool to identify what judgments, feelings/emotions, and value points one has given to certain areas of the body. During the massage you can simply ‘breathe’ through the experience and just take note of any thoughts / points that pop up in relation to the body parts / areas. As you breathe it is like a wave washing away the ideas and beliefs attached to those points – like a cleansing. Then, later, you can write down the points as thoughts / judgments / emotions and apply Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements on all the points.

Then we went through a ‘Pain’ phase – where we’d specifically massage parts that were painful or tight. You’ll find that when someone points out to you that they are aching in a particular spot and you gently feel the area with your fingers/hands – that there will be like a hard type of ‘clump’ somewhere in the flesh. These are crystals that are manifested overtime through compression and accumulation. We will then massage the spot with the crystal until it becomes smaller and smaller (and asking the other to breathe through the pain) and move it out of the body. If you do massaging often you will become very quickly acquainted to the typical “problem areas” and find these crystals fairly easy. I also sometimes use my partner’s skin condition as guideline / map of what to be on the lookout for. If he for instance has a bunch of pimples emerging in one particular ‘isolated’ area – then I will go and investigate with my hands. Many times the muscle and skin will be very tight there and would indicate some anger issues having planted themselves into the flesh.

If one is able to identify the point in relation to which the crystal manifested, you can apply Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements. You can identify it through it simply popping up right there in the moment, like you just “know” that that’s the point. If you have been participating within the Desteni I Process and are familiar wit Muscle Communication, then you can use this as a tool to pinpoint the exact issue. At some point we had many printouts of a page with the outline of a body on it and space for writing. We’d then make a little dot on the spot where pain or discomfort was experienced to use Muscle Communication to identify the exact point.
You can also run a little search in Veno’s Structural Resonance to give yourself context in relation to the point. You can also lay Osho Tarot Cards if you have these available to yourself or flip through Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal your Body” book – so lots of options.

Then we went through a phase of “In the moment Self-Forgiveness”. One of us would be giving a massage to the other and the one receiving the massage would apply Self-Forgiveness on any and all points that would come up in the moment until all was clear. Oh, massages are also great to bring up any suppressed points. Your body holds and stores everything has memory within itself. By stimulating the physical through massaging these points can open up and can then be faced – so if your partner is crying, it might not be your awful massaging techniques ;).

What else…

Blind Massaging! One of the many benefits of having so many visitors coming over from overseas is those eye cover thingies that you get in the plane. We would use these to blindfold ourselves and do massages with touch as the only point of stimulation for the senses. This can be a really cool experience. If you breathe and massage for long enough you will find that at one point you cannot distinguish your own body from your partner’s and it feels like you are just one, merged body. You can do this without blindfolds as well but the blindfolding has a way of intensifying touch more easily. You can obviously also move on to doing other things with you blindfolds :P.

Massages in a Jacuzzi or a nice hot bath with salt and vinegar can be quite pleasant as well. The warm water helps with relaxing the body and allow your fingers to really “get in there” – watch that your partner doesn’t fall asleep (group massages can also be done in Jacuzzi, in the end you don’t know whose foot your holding or who is holding yours lol).

So here some points that one can play with explore in an agreement or just with a good friend. Beware though of getting yourself involved into any sort of sexual vibes when you first start of with massaging (especially if you are not massaging your partner). Take note of the trigger and the program playing out but breathe through it and do not allow yourself to participate within it and create a mind fuck. Practice touch being just that = touch – no matter where it is on the body, all areas equal.

Play with different hand movements like stroking, squeezing, rubbing, tapping, etc. We also use oil on the body to assist with the easy flow of the hands on the body so you can play with that too, using oil or no oil. When you are receiving a massage, take note of what you enjoy and apply this to your partner as well.
The more you practice the better you’ll get.

Massage all parts equally. Whether you are only giving a quick back rub or a full body massage – make sure you give both sides of the body equal attention with your touch. It is not very nice to be left at the end of a session with one or more body parts screaming for more attention lol.

It might also be a good idea to drink a nice cup of water after a session. A lot of toxins will try to find their way out of the body and if you are not sufficiently hydrated to assist your body with this process, then you might find yourself with quite an unpleasant head ache.

Enjoy!

Technorati Tags: massage,relationships,agreement,support,physical,body,basic,guide,diy,dip,relax,pain,breathe,enjoy,soothing,desteniiprocess,equal money,desteni

Beastly vs Beauty & The Beast

2011-06-28T20:16:00.000+02:00

The other day I was watching the new movie ‘Beastly’ which is basically a ‘modern' teenage version of the Beauty & The Beast story.
After I was done watching the movie it suddenly hit me: What do the guy in ‘Beastly’ and the Prince from ‘Beauty & The Beast’ have in common?
= MONEY!!!
That’s right, they’re both stinking rich!

The Prince in the Beauty & The Beast lives in this ginormous castle and has got the wealth to look after the girl. The guy from Beastly has a super rich daddy, which allows him to spend money on the girl, provide her with ‘security’, ‘safety’ and a limo ride to a “cottage” (read supermassive mansion) by a lake.

So the ‘Morale’ of both stories has got nothing, absolutely nothing to do with ‘Real Love’ and “Beauty on the Inside/Outside’ – it’s all all about the Beauty and Glamour of your wallet. Whether you’re a beautiful, handsome person whose a total ass – or an absolute freak of nature on the outside with the sweetest personality = as long as you have money you’ll get what you want.
And I mean, this guy is not the only one playing in a Romantic Story that girls dream of that’s got a lot of bucks. Take a look at the following dudes:

Anyone else seeing a pattern?

So what does this say about Relationships and what a girl wants?
Girls like MONEY –in fact – everyone wants money!!!
So we should just give it to everyone so that everyone can develop proper relationships with one another without fearing for one’s survival or whether someone’s going to stab you in the back for money.

www.equalmoney.org

Technorati Tags: beauty,beast,belle,walt disney,ugly,pretty,beastly,alex pettyfer mary-kate olsen,vanessa hudgens,alex flinn,drama,fantasy,romance,new york,manhatten,vampire diaries,helena,damon,stefan,blood,twilight,edward,bella,jacob,desteniiprocess,equal money

Parronting

2011-06-25T21:58:00.001+02:00

A few days ago Bernard & Esteni came home with two tiny fluffy baby African Grey Parrots.

The Parrots we got before were always at least about 12 weeks old and were very much able to take care of themselves. These guys were more like 8-9 weeks old, tiny, weren’t eating solid food yet (they are eating a bit of it now though) and did not yet have all their feathers. Which basically means that they would have to be handfed several times a day and the temperature would have to be regulated.

So I was a bit freaking out because I had not yet done this before and was a bit ‘unprepared’ as I hadn’t done much research in terms of taking care of little parrot chicks. When they arrived I went and prepared their formula mix because they looked a bit hungry. The food smelled quite a bit like the Pronutro mix we’d feed rescued wild baby birds, so that gave me some comfort because I knew that if we’d just get the feeding part right everything else would be fine.

After they’d eaten and we had set them up in their cage I went to do some reading on African Grey Parrot chicks. First thing I wanted to find out was what type of “housing'” requirements these baby chicks have. The box they came with was the box they had been living in at the breeder’s place. It was a cardboard box with wood shavings in it, and the wood shaving were scented. From previous research in terms of what bedding to use for our other parrots and cages, I knew that wood shaving were mostly a ‘no-go’. You never really know what type of wood you’re dealing with (some are toxic to parrots), and if the parrot digest the wood shavings it can cause internal problems to their digestive and or respiratory system.

So I was not surprised to find out that wood shavings were set as ‘not acceptable’ as bedding for Parrot Chicks yet here this breeder had put it in their box. What was worse was that the wood shavings were scented and you could just smell all these chemicals pouring out of the shavings – which would only bring about more damage if they would get it in their head to play with the shavings in their mouth (parrots absolutely love putting things in their beaks). The scent was so extensive it was making Gian and myself feel nauseous.
So I got a bit upset about that, especially since you’d think a breeder would know what the hell he/she is doing with the parrots.
We took out all the shavings and put in shredded newspaper instead (which is what we use for our other Parrots).

Next I researched chicks’ growth phases.
Turns out the chicks were about 8-9 weeks old -- and the breeder had sold Bernard & Esteni food for baby parrots from the age of 2 to 6 weeks…. So that really starts to make you wonder if this person from which they got the parrots knows what he’s doing.
I kept feeding them the same formula until someone went to town and got us the right one. They were also not supposed to be living in a box but get a bit more space so they can start walking around and maybe start perching around on wood and play with some toys.

Before this whole chick experience it already became quite clear that most of the time, the people that breed for the pet market, or petshops = have no idea what they are doing (but only do so for money).
When we first got our Parrot we bought him a shitload of sunflower seeds and peanuts because that’s what they were feeding the parrots in the petshop – it seemed like a common sensical thing to do. Only after doing some reading up on Parrots and their dietary needs it turns out that feeding them only seeds is like killing your pet slowly but surely. Sunflowers and other seeds / nuts are very high energy/fatty foods and can create liver problems for birds (most pet parrots die after 5 years of purchases even though they are supposed to have a life expectancy of for instance 60 – only because their dietary needs aren’t being met, which accumulates over time resulting in death by malnutrition – or rather – lack of education).
The cages that are available for Parrots most of the time have terrible impractical designs or toxic coating = again showing that it’s not about providing the best care for you pet but only the best interest of the person’s wallet.

Our first three parrots : Parrot, Papegaai and Munchie were all clipped before we got them (the two babies still have their full wings and we are going to keep it that way unless it becomes problematic). In our room we were having problems with the parrots “flying” and crashing into things (they were also hyperactive initially because of the sunflower seeds and then later as withdrawal symptoms of not getting sunflowers as their staple food) and then hurting themselves due to the bad landings. Since they were already clipped we thought that maybe they’d had to be clipped more severely so I went to check out the whats and hows of parrot wing clips. Turns out that it was not a case of not being clipped enough, but rather of being clipped too much. African Grey parrots are heavy bodied birds and need quite a bit of wing just so they can glide down smoothly and not crash into things. I went to inspect the parrots their wings and found out they were all clipped in a different way and all terribly off from what it’s supposed to be….sigh….again.

When we are doing the whole Exotic Pets Sanctuary / Rehabilitation we are definitely going to be giving educational programs so that new pet owners will be able to give the best care to their pets. There’s just too much abuse going on in the pet industry resulting from a lack of education and general care about the actual animals. And all of this is just from exploring African Grey Parrots --- they only represent a fraction of the animals existent within the pet trade industry, one can only guess what other abuse is happening to all the other remaining animals.

Technorati Tags: african grey parrot,pet,bird,feed,chick,breed,care,abuse,petshop,industry,equal life foundation,desteniiprocess,equal money,desteni

Arguments within Agreements

2011-06-12T20:53:00.000+02:00

The first year that I was in an Agreement with Gian, our Agreement revolved around one thing: Self-Forgiveness. Most of our discussion ended up in misunderstanding, disagreements and fights.
When we’d both cool down and look at each person’s “side of the story” – we could see where the other was coming from and “where it all went wrong”. It’s amazing how assumptions, opinions and ideas can create this whole “alternate universe” right then and there as your having a conversation with your partner – and your partner is also participating in his or her own “alternate universe” and none of the two are actually participating in the only universe that matters, the physical one right here.
So the first year (more year and a half) – we applied Self-Forgiveness, a lot of it. This was exactly because of these ‘alternate realties’ we’d create inside ourselves and then project unto the other person. Only after we went through this phase – the deconstruction phase – we were able to actually start communicating and hearing each other. And the Self-Forgiveness we did, was never about the other person – we’d simply each time take the point back to ourselves, apply Self-Forgiveness and then that’s that.

In the beginning we were very easily tempted to “point out each other’s dishonesties” and to “stand up” (well play out an ‘idea’ of what it means to “stand up”) but then all we’d do was point fingers at each other, get angry / hurt and not get one foot further. See, in the initial stage of an Agreement, there’s just no way that you can immediately effectively assist the other by “pointing things out” because you’ve got so much shit of yourself that is filtering and moulding your perception of the other – that you never get a clear picture of what is actually going on – and that most likely, your just projecting your own shit. So once you realise this point – you’re ready to get somewhere lol.

Before I was in the Agreement I am currently in with Gian, I thought that I was pretty stable and was easily able to assist myself in terms of dealing with my inner world. Because of that, I had created an idea about myself that “I was pretty stable” and that thus the Agreement should go pretty smooth. Boy, was I wrong! LOL – all those ‘issues’ and ‘points’ that I had worked through in my Process while walking ‘alone’ suddenly looked very bleak and small compared to what I was facing within the Agreement. Sometimes it looked like the end just wouldn’t come in sight and every day was just a struggle within myself to get through the day without getting each other all agitated. But whatever happened , we just stuck to the basics: breathe, forgive, don’t give up.
And then, one day it suddenly hit me: I’m not struggling anymore.
Our agreement was effortless.
So whenever you find yourself in an Argument with your Partner take note to a) Not take it personal (god, if you do this, you’ll make things very hard for yourself) and b) to realise – that mostly when you are having an Argument, YOU’RE BOTH WRONG!!!.
The moment you see /realize that you (and your partner) are wrong, you’ll find that it’s very easy to stop and give up the argument because you’re not fighting to be proven right = there’s suddenly nothing to win and then all of a sudden your actual starting point within the fight will be clear for both parties to investigate (mostly just ‘I am right, you are wrong, lemme steal your energy so I can feel goooooood).

Ok that’s it for now.

Technorati Tags: agreement,relationships,perfect,romantic,hate,love,conflict,disagreement,argument,fighting,solution,problem,key,secrets,man,female,male,woman,desteniiprocess

Why Sex Sells and How you can Become Immune to this Phenomena

2011-05-29T20:47:00.000+02:00

Why does sex sell? Whenever someone is confronted with advertisement within which they use sexually tinted images to manipulate the consumer to buy their product –- the advertiser is playing on a sense of ‘longing’ and ‘desire’.

But why do people connect ‘longing’ and ‘desire’ to sex / sexuality?
Looking back at my own childhood experiences regarding ‘love’ and ‘happiness’ I can see that all those experiences all pointed to a singular concept = Relationships.

You are all alone within this world an the purpose of your life is to find your Soulmate, who will complete your life, who will make you whole.

This idea that ‘somewhere out there’ is the perfect partner for you to become ‘complete’ holds the problematic implication that inherently = you are incomplete.

So the moment you grasp this concept of ‘your happiness is out there somewhere, go find it’ – you will find yourself always feeling unsatisfied, like something is missing, your life’s just not complete.
But have you noticed how whenever you really want something, and then you get it = it suddenly isn’t all that great anymore? I remember perfectly how when I was 12 I really wanted this particular pair of shoes. It was constantly on my mind “If only I could have those shoes… it would totally complete my look (and thus complete my life)_”. LOL

So then the day came and I got the shoes and I was just like ‘woah awesome!!! At last!” This thrilling experience lasted for about a day and as things ‘went back to normal’ and I started to doing my normal daily activities – I suddenly realized that: My life was not complete, I am still not feeling satisfied. I felt so scammed, lol – scammed by my own desire. Because now I have these shoes and, it just feels like nothing.
This is to demonstrate that ‘desire’, can never really be fulfilled. Only the ‘chase’ is fun, is thrilling. Once you have what you want it’s just not fun anymore – because your idea about it and what it is actually like, do not match at all.

So now if we look at relationships and having the ‘One’ that completes your life (assuming that the ‘One’ exists at all lol) – this is quite a hectic and intense desire/longing that resides within each and every one – it’s like a ‘Life Mission’ / quest for your own personal ‘Holy Grail’.

Now, what is the core ‘characteristic’ of Relationships within the adult-world = ‘Sex’.
That’s right. Sex shows that ‘you’re being serious’ now. It ‘seals the deal’ so to speak.

So this is now the perfect pool of opportunity for companies to get YOU to buy THEIR product – using your ever lasting desire and search for ‘the one’ and ‘the one sexual experience’ (because this amazing sexual experience will indicate that ‘this is the one for you’).

By using these sexually tinted pictures, it ‘activates’ your everlasting desire for the perfect sexual partner and you just can’t help yourself – you need to try this shit out (whatever it is their selling) – it may just be THE ONE THING that can help you on your quest for THE ONE who hold the key the THE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE and your everlasting blisssss.

So now companies and advertisement use this point to present all and whatever products as THE THING that may POTENTIALLY get you to achieve your Great Quest.

And what the greatest thing is about this whole “THE ONE” thing is that = nobody ever finds him or her. Because, people look outside of themselves, they look ‘out there’ for that special person to complete their life. While all along, that person’s been ever-present in their life, but they never noticed it. Who is it? It’s you!

Because you’ve accepted yourself as being ‘incomplete’, inherently ‘sinful’ and ‘damaged’ and what not – you have not allowed yourself to live a life of unsatisfaction and incompleteness. It’s all just a perception, a state of mind. The real thing that you need, the real thing you need to work on: is your relationship with yourself. And that is exactly what Desteni and the Desteni tools are for: you working and establishing your relationship with yourself.

So if you want to become immune to Sexually Tinted Advertisement & Live a life of true Fulfilment = do the Desteni I Process and LEARN to LOVE YOURSELF.

Technorati Tags: sex,sexuality,advertisment,xxx,money,profit,sexy,love,relationships,perfect,orgasm,partner,equal money,desteniiprocess,desteni,embrace,self

Introducing the Parrots

2011-05-21T21:23:00.000+02:00

A week ago or so we went to visit one of the new pet shops in town.

They had two little African Grey Parrots. Gian and I bought the things we needed and played with the parrots a bit. They were really cute and our Parrot's been a real attention whore lately so we thought maybe it'd be cool for him to have a friend he can play with.

So we discussed it with Bernard and two days ago we went to buy one of the two Parrots.
When we got home and introduced the new parrot to Parrot (Parrot is the name of the first parrot) - it was love on first sight. They immediately started to play and groom each other and hanging around having lots of fun.

The next day after I had written my exam Sunette came into my room saying to get my things together : We are getting the other parrot! Lol.

The other parrot had been all alone in the shop without his friend looking all sad so Sunette decided it'd be nice for him to join the family. This one was a bit more scared than the second one (second one's name is Papegaai (Afrikaans for Parrot lol). and his name is Munchie. He was very happy to we back with his friend and seemed a lot more at ease.

So currently our room is converted to a Parrot Jungle / Daycare and all of them are getting along very well.
The new youngest ones are working on their confidence climbing their way through all the ropes and branches and the elder Parrot (by a few months) is showing them all the tips and tricks.

Real Stories – Real People

2011-05-07T20:55:00.001+02:00

One of the things I love about participating within the DIP is that you get an actual real and clear picture of what goes on in the world, of what goes on within people.

This is something I have never experienced before. Any relationship I have had in my life was superficial, any insight into the lives of ‘others’ was limited to what I’d for instance read in magazines & gossip that was shared. And if I now look back at that time, I see how ‘unreal’ all of it really was / is.

I’d never actually know a per

son, or have be able to share real life experiences that had impact on me. I never really knew what they experienced, how their life was or what is was they were actually going through. It was like any relationship was staged and everyone was just being some actor trying to maintain a persona. In a way there was a lot of fear involved, judgments, embarrassments. “Is it okay that I did this?”, “Will they laugh at me if I tell them this?”, “Will they think I am weak if I tell them that?” – it’s like a whole social strategic game of not losing face. So from the surface, everyone I knew, my world, seemed ‘happy’ and ‘normal.

Currently with the DIP, what we work with is real people with real stories. Working with people on writing, Mind Constructs, etc – it opens up a whole new world. Like suddenly the red curtain gets opened and you step beyond the veil of pretence and see what is actually going on. And most of the time = it’s not pretty. If I look at all the stories of abuse – whether by others or by self, it’s very extensive. If I now have to look back at the people I’ve known throughout my life, family, friends, familiar faces – it really makes you question what the hell happens behind closed doors and inside human beings. No-one ever talks about bad shit. It’s like just not done and there’s no support structure whatsoever in this world. I mean, if I have to look at it, I’d have to classify each and every person I’ve ever known as ‘dysfunctional’. No-one really knows what it is to live and to deal with life. We’re all just trying to ‘keep it together’ but actually have no fucking clue what we are doing here on Earth. It’s kind of sad.

So I am grateful for DIP, I’m grateful for the support structure it provides and the beings that participate within it. It’s a small piece of ‘realness’ within this world.

The people that participate within it are very courageous – not many people will allow you into their world the way DIP people do. They share their story uncensored, as is, full out with all its glory and shame. Working with people in this way, gives you a whole new perspective on life, on people.

So, if you want to become a real person and work with real people – DIP is the way to go.

Thank You all out there for sharing your piece of realness and sorting out your reality in order to be able to sort out reality as a whole.

Technorati Tags: desteniiprocess,real people,real stories,secrets,sharing,relationships,person,human beings,empowerment,life coaching,equal money,desteni

The Principle of Economy

2011-05-02T00:03:00.001+02:00

1st collector for The Principle of Economy
Follow my videos on vodpod

Does our Economy Serve the Best Interest of Man or is it only interested to Serve the Few? Check out my blog @ http://leilaequalmoney.blogspot.com/2011/03/principle-of-economy-or-what-it-ought.html

Blog link: leilaequalmoney.blogspot.com
Equal Money the System that will Change the World: www.equalmoney.org
Desteni I Process Life Coaching: www.desteniiprocess.com
Desteni Educate Yourself: www.desteni.co.za

Vocabulary is the Key to Self-Expansion

2011-04-26T20:26:00.000+02:00

I always thought that Economy was boring and that I just had to stay away from it.

In my first year of High School there wasn’t much choice in terms of what you could study. The main course most of the students would go for had economy – I did Latin. I heard that Economy was stupid, boring and that it had math.

In general I had already created the idea that everything money related ‘out there in the world’ – was very complicated and boring. Mainly because whenever I had gotten into contact with it, I simply did not understand it. So my main reaction was: just stay away from it.

In later years I never went on a pursuit to understand our economic system or how our world operates, I had closed that door with my judgments.

Only later as I got involved with Desteni and the Equal Money Proposal, it got to me that I do not have any clue of how or money system works and how the world operates.
Yes I could see that something was wrong as I could observe poverty on the news, homeless people in the city. But I had no actual idea of how these manifestations came about. I saw them as one of the many ‘facts of life’ which I did not question at all.

So when Desteni came up with the Equal Money point, I got a bit grumpy because now I had to go and investigate money. I saw myself as very ‘money illiterate’ – I had only recently gotten my own bank account and bank card which I only has used like once lol. Throughout my life I was always taken care of by my parents and received some pocket money that was mine to spend.

I thought of myself as being incapable of researching a point like this and whenever I made an attempt I could not understand what was being discussed because the terms they used was not part of my vocabulary. I simply gave up.

We fast forward a bit more.

I am now living at the Desteni Farm and all the girls have decided to study at University.

It was kind of tacitly agreed upon that all of us were going to study psychology. Then when registration came closer I asked myself “Is this really what I want to study?”. I went to the university’s website and checked out what other curriculum they offered. One of them caught my eye. It was a study in Politics, Philosophy and Economy. Politics and Economy were very unknown to me but I could see the importance of Politics and Economy within the context of establishing World Equality and an Equal Money System. I had gotten Philosophy in High School and Gabriel, my elder brother had studied philosophy at University and I was always enjoyed what he had to share about what he had learnt over the weekend.

I had already read quite a bit on Psychology and whenever I had gotten Religion in high school it was more psychology than anything else.

I also figured that just because I had allowed myself to see myself as ‘not an economy person’ - that this should not hold me back. I saw that money was important to research so I willed myself to be interested in it lol.

From that perspective this course seemed quite challenging and it was something ‘new’. The description for the study said that it would equip the student with critical thinking skills within the area of politics and economy and work towards identifying problems and providing solutions. This seemed perfect for me in relation to the establishment of an Equal Money System.

I discussed this with Maite (my sister) and she said she was actually also not much interested in Psychology and seemed happy that I had found this other course. So we ended up both registering for this one instead.
Whereas I had previously always loved philosophy, it was an absolute pain in the*ss. The module was one big mess that made no (common) sense at all and I realized how delusional I had been in the past towards philosophy. Politics and Economy on the other hand are the subjects that I’ve enjoyed the most!

I am very glad that I decided to push through my resistance of getting to know our money system better. In a short period of time I’ve enabled myself to grasp and process such much more within my world.

Even now I can see how when I was small I got scared looking at certain things just because I didn’t understand, I did not have the vocabulary to grasp what was going on.

I remember very clearly for instance, that when I was still a toddler in school (and all we did was play all the long) we had to go into a classroom of the kids that were6-7 years old. I was standing in front and started looking at one of the books that was lying open on one of the kid’s desk. It had some weird figures on it and number and I went “WTF whas that!” inside myself. I looked at the kids whose book it was and he had a very sad face. I went into anxiety as I was thinking about how one day I will be sitting in that kid’s position having that book open in front of me and having to understand it.

Later when the moment came and I was that kid – we got to the particular page in the book that I had seen a few years back and the figure and numbers were completely clear to me! I thought it was very funny that I had been so scared, as it was just a matter of learning new words (and figures) to be able to understand what was going on. Then throughout primary school I was scared of high school because what I had seen my brother and sister study was completely unknown to me. Again when I got there myself it all made sense.

Then throughout high school I feared university and now that I’m at university I see that there’s nothing to be scared about lol (again).

In essence – the difficulty level of primary school, high school and university = are exactly the same. The only thing that changes is vocabulary. Anyone can learn anything as long as you learn all the words, it’s really just that simple.

Fear, A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

2011-04-19T20:17:00.000+02:00

My Horse Charlie’s been having a back leg problem for quite a while now. A few days ago a horse specialist came over to check him out and supplied us with meds for a three week treatment.

Part of the treatment is me jabbing a 18 gauge needle into his buttocks.

I really hate doing this.

If I know I will have to be stabbing/jabbing him in the morning then that’s the thought I go to sleep with and in the morning I wake up, that’s the thought I wake up with: “Oh no I have to jab him with the needle today”.

When the moment comes that I have to jab the needle into his butt I start to panic a bit and HOPE that the needle goes through his bum from the first go. Depending on how Charlie’s butt is doing that day and what spot I poke him it will be either hard or very hard lol.

When I jab him I go will full force, almost projecting the needle/syringe to go completely through his bum so to speak. But then sometimes in the moment as my arm is coming down towards his hum and the needle is approaching my fear takes over and I image the needle not going through and kind of just ‘hitting the surface’ as you would when for instance trying to poke a stone with a needle.

In that singular moment, a fraction of a second – my muscles weaken, my arm slows down and the needle doesn’t go through. It’s a very horrible feeling to stand there with the needle just being on top of his skin, no penetration whatsoever, seeing his entire body flinching. But it is this exact fear of this scenario happening that caused the very event to happen!

So now before I jab – I breathe – direct – jab. If the jab doesn’t go through immediately it simply indicates I have to go ‘harder’ because he is having one of those days where his muscle is all tensed up. I do not take it personal, just breathe again and jab harder.

So this shows how when you fear something – you open the door within your reality for it to happen. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It’s funny how we still gives value to fear as if it is valid – no seeing and realising that by acknowledging a fear as being ‘real’ and a ‘valid point of reference’ – you are allowing, no you are CREATING this type of shit to happen in your world, and then there’s only yourself to blame.

Taking control of your life by eliminating useless points such as fear is part if the Desteni I Process self-development tools.

Pain is not the only thing it Kills – Vultures Die Too

2011-04-07T07:20:00.001+02:00

In India the Vulture population has declined by 99%.Upon investigation it turned out that the cause of this drastic decline was within the food the vultures were consuming.
One of their food supplies are the carcasses of deceased livestock. Many of these cows were treated with a painkiller/anti-inflammatory drug Diclofenac.

They die – the drug stays in their system – the vultures eat the corpse – the vultures get it in their system...and die of kidney failure.The drug has been banned – but it may still take years before all the ones that were already in circulation get out. Will the remaining 1% hold?
How has such a fuck-up come about? The only way this type of side-effect and inconsideration can come about is when the animal their best interest is not taken into account.
Because – this veterinary drug is supposed to 'help animals' as in treating livestock – no-one took into consideration the possible outcome if any of these carcasses get eaten.Which inherently shows that the drug was not manufactured taking into consideration 'the animals' – but only the depth of the Humans their pockets.
In an Equal Money System – this would not happen. We would not only start taking into considerations the animals as a whole once they're all almost dead.
Vote for an Equal Money System – Vote for a System of Consideration of All Life

www.equalmoney.org

The Birds are Dying

2011-04-02T03:20:00.001+02:00

1st collector for The Birds are Dying
Follow my videos on vodpod

The Birds are Dying --Many bird species are heading towards extinction.
To find out more visit my blog @: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/2011/04/birds-are-dying.html
To find out how we can change our world in a supportive environment, human, animals and plants included: visit www.equalmoney.org & www.desteni.co.za
For effective life coaching go to www.desteniiprocess.com

The Birds are Dying

2011-04-01T14:50:00.001+02:00

With climate changes the birds are put in a vulnerable position. With the estimate projections and estimations of coming climate changes, some bird species are expected to decrease drastically, and in some cases even go completely extinct.

Birds are tied to particular environments for their food intake and breeding process. With climate changes, birds that were used to low lands are forced to move to higher grounds, where it is a bit fresher – to get back to a temperature that they are used to. Though, not all birds are flexible to adapt to new environments with different vegetation/foods available for them – and thus will be likely to die. Another implication of this 'moving to higher grounds'; is that less and less terrain becomes available for the birds. This is just simply geometrics. So as climate keeps on changing, the birds will be forced to move higher and higher – until there is nowhere else to go.
This terrain reduction also decreases birds their survival chances.

When the birds get to the point of breeding, they are ineffective. The little amount of birds that do hatch, are likely to get eaten by the parents to be able to survive.

The consequences of what we've accepted and allowed to manifest in this world are starting to creep out and show its head.
We always thought that'd we'd never have to face the consequences – but they are now knocking on the door. Centuries of abuse is now taking its toll and we can no longer accept and allow to postpone taking responsibility. The birds are already suffering. The least we can do is make food available for them where we can – and stop the current system of madness that is killing each and every single living thing on earth.

It is not too late – Let's Vote for an Equal Money System!

Man Arrested For Selling Wife’s Body Parts

2011-03-19T19:07:00.001+02:00

The Article:
Tanzanian police have arrested a man for allegedly trying to sell his wife’s body parts to an undercover police officer.

Authorities say he confessed Friday to killing his wife and attempting to sell her head, breast and genitals because he learned of a demand for body parts in the Shinynga area.

Police were tipped off by bank guards who spotted the man with a plastic bag that he said contained pork.

They say the suspect will undergo an psychiatric exam before his trial.

How much more clearer can it get? Our current Monetary System is getting people to kill their wives, chopping them into pieces so he can get money for the organs and body parts.

The only entity that requires a ‘psychiatric evaluation’ is our freaking Money System.

If you had a person who had 50 people locked up in a room and gave 1 of them all the food and luxuries you can imagine and let the other 49 starve to death without a blink – you’d want that person to get a psychiatric evaluation right? Cause I mean, that’s just fucked up!

Yet – that’s exactly what we are allowing to exist through our participation and support of the current Capitalistic System that is in place.

Let’s stop this insanity – Let’s Vote for an Equal Money System!

Relationship Management with Mind Constructs

2011-03-10T21:09:00.001+02:00

Gian and I are now working with a new 'strategy' to deal with points that come up.

Whenever we see that one of us is facing a 'major point' we suggest to do a Mind Construct on the point.
This works very effective because we get to write out the construct in detail. The great thing about Mind Constructs is the specificity you can work with in terms of unfolding the pattern - each and every step from point A to B - to see exactly what you're participating and thus see the solution/correction with the same clarity.

It's like reading your programming/script - erase - and rewrite.

After a while you get to see your patterns 'in the moment' - where instead of at a later stage writing about it - you immediately see the pattern right here, right now (because of having trained yourself with Mind Constructs) and are able to deal with it. This is also fun way to work with each other when things pop up in the moment. Like we'll be in the mall and Gian will behave a certain way or I will behave a certain way and then the other one goes 'right there! what did you do, what were you thinking before you did that, give me a timeline' lol. And then we discuss it and correct ourselves.

I will also in random conversations go 'I see a basic mind construct component there...', or when watching tv/series you can go 'Basic Mind Construct Component right there!!! Obvious blame' and then quickly lay out the pattern form myself lol.
So you can also apply what you have learnt from doing Mind Constructs in writing to your every day life to see how and why you behave a certain way or others or people in tv series / movies.

So yeah, Mind Constructs are cool =)

Inflation Rates, Are they to be Trusted?

2011-03-08T21:47:00.000+02:00

A short article in Farmer’s Weekly raised an interesting point: The Inflation Rates presented to us, can they be trusted?

The writer of the article gave the example of an incident where the water bills that residents in Jo’burg received were simply outrageous – and that the high amount was apparently due to ‘inflation factors’. The actual story was that the company that the municipality had hired (and already paid) to manage and draw up all the water bills fucked out along with the money – and the municipality had to hire a new firm that they now had to pay again... and for which the residents had to pay the price.

The inflation rates in this case were used as an excuse to demand outrageous amounts of money from residents to pay for “water” and to present an image of ‘scarceness’ (read = the fuck up of the municipality).

What numbers that are presented to us can be trusted? Are the resources really scarce or is it just a false representation for the sake of profit?

Stop Corruption, Stop Inefficiency, Vote for Equal Money!

The Principle of Economy... Or what it Ought to Be

2011-03-03T23:01:00.000+02:00

The other day I was watching one of the DVD’s that goes with my Economy module for this Semester and an interesting point opened up.

The guy in the video was explaining how the ‘basic’ Principle of Economy in essence works with three point:

1. We have a certain amount of limited resources.

2. There’s a certain amount of Beings that require these resources

3. How do we get those resources to those Beings?

But now the interesting thing is that in real life this is not really how it works.
Instead it follows the following Principe:

1. We have a certain amount of limited resources

2. There’s a certain amount of Beings that require these resources

3. Not everyone can pay for these resources

4. How do we get the resources to the people that can pay for the resources

So – we’re not looking at basic common sense practicality where you know if a child were to set up an economy it would look at “okay how much is there of this, there’s so many that need it, how do I get to there’. That seems to be the most simply way of dealing with the situation.

Though in reality this is not how it is applied . No, instead we’re playing a game of win and lose where if you have money you are part of the winners and if you have none well then you’re not even a loser, you don’t even have the privilege to ‘play’ the game.

So how did it get this far that we allow basic points such as the allocation of basic resources that everyone needs be directed by only money. Why does money decide where what goes? Why can’t we just decide from a starting point of Common Sense and what is best for all?

Obviously the solution is already outlined in the initial principle mentioned – but since we are in a current World System that works with Money to move every single point – the only possible way to correct this “mistake” is to give everyone Equal Money! Because – if everyone has Equal Money then everyone can access the Basic Resources = Problem solved!

Also – if we have a look at the current System and what our “limited resources” are being used for = it’s a whole lot of bunch of CRAP: technology with an expiry date, shoes that fall apart in a matter of months, clothes that look pretty but require a manual for you to know how to put it on, make up, shampoo, food that is not food – basically most of the things that you see in your everyday mall are products of consumerism that support the profit making money game. They have no other practical use whatsoever.

So instead of moaning about ‘our limited resources’ and ‘we’re gonna have to up the prices, because the resources are getting more scarce’ – we should have a look at what we are spending our precious resources on and if it is really worth it. Because if I look at all the crap in this world that is being produced – 98% is all just for profit – where foods are being produced in masses and get thrown away, where there’s hundreds and thousands of designs and brands for a single object, just so you can have your ‘choice’. It’s too much and we don’t need it.

So Imagine in an Equal Money System, where we stop wasting our resources on useless crap – just imagine what is possible and what future we can secure for those still to come.

Support Effective Use of Resources - Support an Equal Money System!

Son Gets Killed By Father While Intervening in Parents' Fight

2011-02-28T22:58:00.000+02:00

I've recently set up some news RSS feeds into my mail inbox so I can stay up to date with events happening in South Africa and the World.

One of the Headlines of today reads 'Son Gets Killed By Father While Intervening in Parents' Fight'

While the Parents were fighting and arguing the Son tried to intervene to protect his Mother, but instead the Father turned on him and stabbed him in the neck with a knife.

How much more must we take? How much more madness must we witness before we realise that the World we live in and the things that happen every single day are not okay?

When people criticize the Equal Money System, they compare it to our current established system and social conditioning. Wanting 'proof' based on what the 'current system' is created on, where our current system is the 'point of reference' and 'almighty judge' to which the Equal Money System must prove itself and 'live up' to its 'expectations'. Which if you look at it, is quite ridiculous - because - why would we want to prove the 'worthiness' of an Equal Money System to a World of Madness and Abuse? That would defeat the whole point of an Equal Money System now wouldn't it.

So to want 'proofs' about an Equal Money System based on your acceptance and defense of the conditioning of our current System (where children get stabbed in the neck when intervening in a fight) is just complete non-sense. People look at an Equal Money System and say'it's not going to work' - but do not even for a second look at what is currently happening and how we really do not have that many options. The current condition of the World is downright cruel and to defend it is criminal. Because one thing is for sure: we cannot continue like this. If an Equal Money System can mean a way out of this mess, out of this Demonic State of Affairs - why not give it a chance? Why is everyone trying to hold on to the current state of affairs? It's all over the news - but maybe it's still just that little bit too much 'out there'.

So the question is: How far are we willing to let this World spin out of control before we take action?
How many children must die?
Every day without an Equal Money System is a day where we flush life down the drain...

R100 Million Flop Festival

2011-02-09T21:05:00.000+02:00

R100 Million Flop Festival

http://www.iol.co.za/news/south-africa/gauteng/youth-festival-flop-cost-more-than-reported-1.1023252

“The event was held at the Tshwane Events Centre in Pretoria in December with the theme: “Let's defeat imperialism for a world of peace, solidarity and social transformation”.”

“The NYDA said it had expected about 30,000 people to attend, but on Tuesday Lungisa said that 15,000 people had attended, of whom 7000 were from abroad.”

Why waste R100 000 000 on a freaking Festival ‘about’ something instead of investing your money in something actual that will actually implement and bring forth the change that so many like to talk about? And remember – this is taxpayers money.

In a society where half the population is unemployed and living in poverty – you’d think one would reconsider their priorities.

I mean: Festival for 15 000 people or Invest in Basic Living Requirements for everyone using everyone’s money......

Hmmmm, yes, difficult decision,.... but I think the right side is weighing down just that little bit more you know.

In an Equal Money System these type of decisions would not have to be made because the priorities are set. This would not even be open for debate. Unless all Basic Living Requirements are satisfied and being maintained – the thought of throwing millions at a festival should be far, far, faaaaaar away (and so should the reckless parties of corrupt politicians).

My Agreement - Making a Decision

2011-01-27T23:23:00.000+02:00

I've been in an Agreement with Gian for about 2 years and 9 months now.

Here I share some points that I found to be 'fundamental' within walking Process in Agreement...

I remember the day that Bernard spoke to me about entering an Agreement, that I should first ask myself the question whether I am willing to commit myself to a single being for 'eternity'.

This stirred-up a lot of points within me, mostly in relation to ideas I had formed about concepts such as'marriage' and 'freedom' and 'commitment'. Though now I can see how starting with the disentanglement of that particular single point from the beginning - I started establishing the foundation upon which the Agreement that I later on entered was going to be built.

What was clear to me at that point in my process was the following: Process is going to have to be walked by everyone, everyone is a 'reflection' of me, we're all in this mess together - so one has to be able to walk an Agreement with anyone/everyone - as everyone shares all points, and all points have to be taken responsibility for.

So when the point opened up of entering into an Agreement with Gian, the points where I saw that I resisted (which was certain characteristics/personality traits within Gian) - I knew were not 'valid reasons' to 'not go there' - as I understood the point that I have to be able to walk with anyone, so why not Gian?

In the early stages of the Agreement, I had many moments where I wanted to 'give-up' and just say 'no'.
Where I thought I couldn't take it anymore, it was just not working, how am I ever going to get through this?
Then as I want to speak the words or discuss the point - I saw that this would be self-dishonest, self-defeating. Because all I would be doing was giving up on myself, saying 'I can't change' and giving up on my partner saying that 'he can't change'. While if you look at it from a commonsense perspective: even if I do end the Agreement due to the current points I am facing and my experience thereof - I am still going to have to push through & transcend the exact same points - so really, there was no point in 'ending' the Agreement as this would only be an attempt to 'postpone' the 'inevitable' and thus create a timeloop. The points are here - might as well face them as they come.

Then there was many times where I would wander off and play with the idea of entering an Agreement with someone else, trying to convince myself that 'it was just not working with Gian' and 'it will go better/easier with this or that person'. While again - if I had to look at it from a common sense perspective - we are all copies. And the points that I am currently facing where I go into 'escapism' in the form of desiring an Agreement with someone else, I am going to have to face with any other person anyway! Because, like I said, we are all copies, and secondly, I am still going to be stuck with, yes, exactly = me! So my experience is going to be the exact same just with a different person in front of me. So again, another reason to end the Agreement defeated.

The 'Dynamic' of the Agreement was also something that was/is quite challenging. In many ways, Gian and I are opposites - where our strong and weak points are each other's polarities. So, in the beginning = we were not equal. We weren't programmed as 'equal'. For instance, my strong points and skills rest more on the intellectual side - which is Gian's weak point. Whereas Gian's strong point is his enthusiasm, innocence and ability to 'move' things and not being able to hold things in (whatever is bothering him, it'll come out some way or another) - which is my weak point. [Together we're a team! lol]. So as we walk, I assist him with his weak points, get them to a point of effectiveness and he'll do the same for me and so we 'equalize' each other.

Where one can either 'take it personal' that one's being assisted with their weak point - or just accept that that's the way you've been programmed, be real about and allow yourself to change.

That's all for now - I will share more in the days to come.

ECO NO ME - I Am Here to Satisfy your Needs

2011-01-26T21:21:00.000+02:00

In my current semester my modules are either in relation to English Writing Skills - or Economy/Business Management.

The first point that opened up while reading one of my prescribed books was that of 'need satisfaction' - where 'the people' are the source of unlimited needs - and the business, the economy is merely the humble servant of 'the people' and their 'unlimited needs' - at your service.

The authors explain that it is the needs of the people that are ever changing and evolving, and that the business/economy has to keep up and provide.

While - if I look at my own experience - my 'basic needs' stay the same: I require food as energy to survive, I require shelter, I require clothing, I require air to breathe, a hole to poo in. These needs don't change, these needs do not 'evolve' - it's not like I develop new needs that if they do not get satisfied that I die.

The "needs" that 'evolve', that 'change' - are not needs that we develop, but needs that are presented to us. Because - you can only 'want' and 'need' an iPod once you have knowledge of the iPod (which the business manufactures and provides) - after you have seen the iPod, have heard about the iPod. These needs are 'given' to you in a way through audiovisual advertising by the company. But you did not have this need before there was an iPod. Saying that your need was there before, is just some Capitalistic mambo jumbo to justify why they keep on producing products that do not last - and release a particular versions of a products while they already have designed a way better version - but hey what the heck, we'll just keep on buying.

Another point was how they present statistics and data in a way to support the argument that Capitalism is the ultimate system and the solution to all your problems. Where they'll go 'Oh look at the US and look at all those countries there, they all have a capitalistic money system and you know what, they are wealthy = thus if you want to be a wealthy country you just got to implement capitalism!'

That's such a 'one sided' way of looking at it. They don't look or give information of how that country's position as a capitalistic system influence every other country in the world or any other relationship. You cannot isolate one country from another as it's one big whole. You pull a string here, it's going to ruffle on the other side.

So that is some observations I've made while starting my new semester - and the bullshit they try to pull off in the textbooks.

An Equal Money System is what we need!

Battlestar Galactica – Season 3 – Episode 5 – ‘Collaborators’

2011-01-23T22:56:00.001+02:00

Ending the Cycle of Blood for Blood – Forgiveness is the only way forward

Context:
In the previous Episodes there were a whole bunch of people on New Caprica, which the Cylons took over – Admiral Adama and the Galactica came to the rescue.

Those who managed to escape from New Caprica are seeking revenge under the name of ‘Justice’ against those they believe collaborated with the Cylons. Six of them, including Chief Tyrol and Col. Tigh, have formed the Circle and are acting as judge, jury and executioner. Those found guilty are blown out of an airlock.

A lot of interesting points come up in this episode – the main point being ‘Vengeance’ under the disguise of ‘Justice’.

A whole lot of people did a whole lot of stupid things – everybody did.

Like Gaeta mentions – they all collectively voted for Baltar to be president, they all wanted to indulge into their desire and ideals.

And even before that - everyone is responsible - as the Cylons is the creation of Man.

Everyone participated and created the fuck-up together – there’s no point in pointing fingers and blaming others for ‘what they went through’.

The ‘Blood for Blood’ principle cannot work though – because just like ‘Karma’ it is something that just keeps on going in circles moving from one polarity into the other into infinity.

Once Roslin got back into Presidency and got to know about the ‘trials’ that had been going on, she made a Public Statement – and that Statement was one of Forgiveness.

That whatever anyone did in the past under the occupation of the Cylons – everyone was Pardoned.

Which was really the only Solution – the only point which would’ve allowed everyone to move on and step away from never-ending polarity conflict.

Fascinatingly, in the moment while watching the episode I was analyzing within myself what 'moral decision' I would have made and looking at all the points that required to be taken into consideration, where when I came to the point that Roslin said 'okay everyone's pardoned' - I experienced a moment of 'Surprise' , where I went 'Of course!! That makes total Sense! Why did I not think of that?'

Instead I had been looking at the whole scenario from a frame of 'right and wrong' - instead of stepping outside the frame/box and looking at Forgiveness.

So that was a nice little educational highlight in the series.

No Space for Choice within 1 +1

2011-01-22T20:41:00.001+02:00

This is a continuation on my previous post which covers the point of doing 'one thing at a time' - though there was still a point missing, which is the point of not allowing space for Choice.

Because now during my day for instance, I have point that I have to deal with. I've established that I can only do 1 thing, 1 breath - but now I went into 'what shall I do now' from a perspective of 'scrolling through' all my available 'options' as choice and then make a decision based on energy - where I will pick something on the basis of 'I want to' and 'I don't want to do that right now' (and postpone).
Instead of looking at things from a practical common sense perspective - where I look at 'what is priority' and 'how much time/breaths is this going to take me' and then just DO IT.

So that's that.

1 + 1 - Getting Everything Done - One thing at a Time

2011-01-21T22:10:00.001+02:00

I’ve noticed that when I want to ‘take things on’ – I grab a whole bunch of points and I want to deal with them ‘right here’, ‘right now’ – rushing into it without actual consideration. It’s then more of a ‘wanting to get things done’ instead of taking each point on, one by one – and getting it done in actuality.

So now I am looking at what points I would like to have effectively in place in my realty – take a singular point on, take it into consistency until it is integrated completely as a part of my world, as a part of me. Once a point is completed – take on the next.

Because – just like a computer where there’s several programs running at the same time trying to execute things = it’s bound to get into trouble – so it’s best to just do one thing, one time – breath by breath.

With this I want to take on my back. I spend a lot of time working and sitting in front of my PC, if not most of the time and it is taking quite a toll on my back since I’m not sitting straight but move into all kind of weird positions to keep on re-balancing myself – instead if just keeping to one point – straight – supported, then there is no need to go into strange polarity positionings to balance myself out.

Gian almost reminds me everyday, to look at how I’m sitting and how it is not supporting my body – but I haven’t yet been able to will myself to get this point to a point of consistency.

So now I stick to this point – apply it – until it is done!

And then I move to the next point lol.

Inconsideration & Consequence

2011-01-11T20:55:00.001+02:00

Written on 10-01-11 - as a joint Blogpost by Leila Zamora Moreno & Gian Robberts

Today an Event happened that showed how ‘Specificity’ can be a lifesaver – literally.

In this case though – it pressed the attention to how a life could have been saved, how an accident could have been prevented – if we would have been more specific and considerate within every point of our room in relation to our Bird – TweeTweet.

TweeTweet is the Fiscal Flycatcher that Bernard found a few months ago by the entry Gate of the Farm – and that we’ve been taking care of ever since.

We recently moved into a room within a house.
Now that our living area/room was situated in a house, and the dogs were now also living with us we had take more points into consideration. Previously it was just the two of us (Gian & Me), the Bird and a few rats. The points were very simple: Keep the door closed and do not let any other animal in.

Moving into a house presented a whole new set of points that had to be looked at, because we weren’t now the only beings living in the same block. Keeping the door closed the whole time (which we did initially + we had to lock it with a key because the door wouldn’t close properly) wasn’t very practical with the dogs wanting to be able to move around. So slowly we allowed the door to be open more and more till at one point we just left it open most of the time. TweeTweet would keep himself to flying in our room, preferably sitting by the windows where he could observe all the things that were going on outside.

From time to time he’d find himself in the kitchen / lounge area, but this was seldom (after for instance chasing ‘Tweeter’, Maite & LJ’s Teenage Rooster, out of the room). We also found him flying outside, right in front of the building twice but directed him back inside safely.

The dogs were all fine with him being out there, Chimera would sometimes upset him because she’d want to play with him and he interpreted it as ‘being chased’.

So you’d think that – if anything would go wrong – it would be a) he flies out of the room and something happens (out in the wild, cats, etc) or b) one of the dogs kills him (albeit by accident).

But now – from all possible deaths – he died by falling through the small feeding hole of the little fish tank we have in our room & drowned.

I was baffled when I heard the cause of TweeTweet’s Death because it seemed so Random. From all possible Death Scenario’s this was the one. Showing us that we had overlooked one simple thing: ‘What if the bird comes by the hole and decides to go for one of the fishies?’ I mean – we know he’s adventurous & that he likes shiny things: 1 + 1 = 2.

Gian gives a Practical Example of how – in one moment of ignoring and ‘waiving away’ a single point of awareness, a singular point of consideration – you create your own (and that of others’) demise:

“Since we moved into the new room I have been feeding all the animals in the mornings, changing their water and providing them with food for the day. After I would be done making TweeTweet’s food, I would place the food at a specific point in the room and wait for the food to soak.
Meanwhile, I’d then open the cage that served as TweeTweet’s sleeping cage. He would climb on my finger and I would bring him out - he would either fly away and land on the highest point in the room and check everything – or per usual he would scream for food and I would feed him.

Most of the time he’d want me to feed him, specifically screaming for food when I was around. I had taken on the point of being his caretaker; he can trust me with his life.

It happened a few times in the mornings while I was feeding the fish, that TweeTweeT would sit on my shoulder and observe what I was doing. He’d then jump to the tank and poke at the fish in the tank, I then said no do not do that and he would fly away (that’s what parents do so what did I do as the parent). I created curiosity with in TweeTweet and he wanted to go where it was forbidden and find out why he can’t go there.
He did this with me being present about 2 times. The one time he climbed up and looked through the hole - I pushed him off and said “No do not do that, go away leave the fish alone”.

In my mind I had a flash thought that I should cover up the hole, but instead I immediately went into my own opinion of reality and how I believe it works and said ‘no way that TweeTweet will ever go in there for the fish’ – and I simply ignored the point after that as being irrelevant and nothing to be worried about. (all the points that I saw was practically possible points of playing out with in my understanding of the physical seemed pretty valid) according to my own self interest in that moment and not what is best for all ‘Twee Tweed”

I was wrong – I did not take all of and as the physical as me into consideration and I trusted the physical instead of myself. I did not apply the 1 + 1 = 2 equality equation and now for my ignorance for not standing equal to and as the physical - as TweeTweet and his expression-, he suffered the consequences.

He placed all his trust in me and within that single moment of consideration I could not trust myself to actually see that it is relevant with in what is here as the physical and not the mind as that which I gave trust to and caused suffering and death.

Now another being such as TweeTweet lost his life for the sake that I must wake up and see what I have accepted and allowed to exist. How many more should die before humanity actually see what is here and what the fuck we are doing. Billions of animals die yearly for no fucking reason - but die at the hand of the abusive accepted and allowed nature of the human, and Yet only a hand full will see it but not Yet act on it – as I did.

The Specificity that was required in this case – is not Specificity as Obsession & Paranoia, where you go and ‘secure’ everything from a Starting Point of ‘Fear of Loss’. Not ‘fearing losing something’ does not mean that you become Reckless – just as you don’t go and not look around you when you’re about to cross a street because you do not fear Death – that’s absurdity – not Practicality and Practicality is that which we want to work with.

It’s a matter of following a Mathematical Equation and finding all the variables as points where possibilities exist that can be prevented – and to fine-tune yourself as this Mathematical Equation into and as Perfection where all is considered, and nothing taken for granted.

So TweeTweet Death’s was a learning Experience – as every bird and animal we’ve had that died has been a learning experience. To each time show us what points we missed – so we may correct ourselves and become more effective in what we do and who we are. Thank you TweeTweet, you were an awesome friend.

Another One Bites the Dust & God is An Evil Fucker

2010-12-27T00:11:00.001+02:00

Few days back Cerise found another Nestling that the cats had caught. It didn't look like it got hurt by the cats and seemed to be quite 'lively'.

Those so far have been the 'two requirements' for little birdies to Survive.

If they get bitten by a cat - no matter how lethal the bite itself - the bird dies due to the bacteria the cats carry in their saliva. Which is pretty damn stupid - the smallest puncture and they're fucked.

'Liveliness' is a requirement because some birds just go into complete trauma and depression after we take them in. We don't just 'take-in' little birdies - it always happens after an event - whether being kicked out by the parents, caught by cats etc. When they go into trauma & shock = they do not want to eat, they do not want to move. If you push them they just fall to the side and stay there - completely giving up on life. We talk to the birdies, saying that it doesn't have to be this way and that it's all just in their head. They decide whether they want to live or not - it's really simple = you eat or you die. Sometimes they 'get over-it' but most of the time they don't.

So back to this birdie - it was lively & seemed healthy so I was hopeful that this one was 'going to make it'. Usually if they're not going to make it they die the same day, that night or the day after.

We checked what type of Bird it was and it turned out too also be a Flycatcher like TweetTweet (Fiscal Flycatcher that we've had since beginning of November) - they are pretty resilient to trauma and can be very stubborn and aggressive. So because of the birdie being a Flycatcher - African Paradise Flycatcher to be precise - I thought everything was pointing to the 'right direction'.

I had to 'force-feed' the birdie the first day though - get my nail in-between the bill, get it open and shove some soaked cat-food pellet pieces down its throat (it's an Insect Eater and this cat-food has about the right proportion of protein and fat for Birds, fascinatingly enough). The next day it was looking much 'better' and making lots of sounds and weaning for food. While I was inspecting the bird though, there seemed to be something wrong underneath its right wing. It looked like a fleecy type of thing - I first thought that maybe the Cats had made a rip in the skin and that the lung or something was exposed. Then later I saw that it was like that around its entire belly on that same side. I did some research and it basically came down to that sometimes when cats get to the birdies, the birdie gets punctured and air leaks underneath the skin. This then gets all blown up and the birdie gets prone to infection.

The birdie was now eating 3-4 times more than the grown-up Flycatcher and it just seemed to keep on wanting more and more - even after dark. It was almost like it just wanted to keep on having more 'fuel' and that it was running out of it quickly. I also noticed that the birdie was shaking now - so it was probably trying to fight off an infection - metabolism going overdrive.

He survived that night and in the morning after horses I fed it and kept it on my belly, enclosed in my hands, keeping it nice and warm. After two hours it seemed to be doing better - no more shaking and not asking for food anymore that much. I thought maybe the birdie should rest a bit, so I put him in the little shoebox that we'd prepared for him and kept him in and then he started acting weird - opening its wings and just lying there. I saw that I had done everything I could and it was now just a matter of time. So I went back to sleep as it was still quiet early. An hour or so later I woke up, I checked the box - and there it was, not begging for food anymore - body still = the birdie was dead. I asked Gian to take care of the Birdie (throw it away) and after he left the room I started crying. For three days I had kept the birdie with me constantly, everywhere I went, I took the birdie with me to make sure that it would get food whenever it needed and that it would stay nice and warm [except during horses, then he'd sleep in the box]. I played with him and talked to him and now he was suddenly dead - again.

The entire Design is so fucked up - these birdies almost don't stand a chance. The moment the slightest thing goes wrong - a bit too cold, a bit too hungry, a bit too much trauma, the slightest injury = they die.

It's so completely fucked up beyond imagination and no-one seems to notice it. Today I watched a piece of documentary on Hummingbirds and there again - the Fucked up Design of Nature exposed. The only thing they do is live from Day to Day - if they do not consume half of their body weight in Nectar [+1000 flowers] and in addition to that, enough bugs for protein = they simply die. Even when they're not flying their heartbeat can race at 600 beats per minute. And it's for this exact same reason that these birds are aggressive. If they find a flower they will want to protect it and keep it from other because their Survival depends on it [recognize this behavior somewhere?] - sometimes they simply die during the night, during their sleep because their 'fuel' ran out.

If God really existed - then he was either an Evil Fucker or a Complete Retard - to allow such fucked-up designs in Existence. Then again - we are the creators of this Existence so what does that tell about us?

Freedom

2010-12-20T22:57:00.000+02:00

A Week back or so we "found" these two birdies here. We had to remove their nest from the roof because the workers were busy welding pipes and the nest almost caught fire.

They weren't very happy with the situations and were constantly flying around and trying to get out of their cage. When we would let them out they would just fly and hoover around and they'd get chased by TweetTweet (a Flycatcher who's about 2-3 times their size).

We decided not to let them out anymore because all the chasing around made them very nervous. [When they were hungry they'd fly up to TweetTweet and beg her for food, thinking she's their mother - she would just grab their legs and try to pull their legs off....]

We also decided that once they started eating seeds and drink water [we fed them very watery pro nutro]- we'd let them go because then they'd be able to survive outside - and getting outside seemed to be the only thing they cared about.

So then one day I'm sitting by my desk and see that they finally started eating & drinking and that they were looking quite strong. I tell Gian and a few moments later we let them fly out. It was quite a windy day and they were struggling quite a bit to fly, but after a few minutes they were out of our sights.

A bit later I'm sitting by my desk, where I have a view through my window to the BirdFeeder and the Birds that go there. I see that there's a group of Birds that fly away with each sound / movement - except for this one little birdie. So I take the binoculars and take a look, and it's one of the two birdies we let go. He looked a bit lost and upset - bewildered - not knowing what to do. I took note of it but left it at that.

An hour after we let them go, I went up to the new building, and when I came back I saw that the two birdies were sitting by our window from our room, trying to get in.

All this time that they've been in our room, they were all about "Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!" and now that we had let them out, they were all about 'Let me In! Let me In! Let me In!"

They thought that they'd find "freedom" when getting out of their cage, out of our room - but the freedom that they found wasn't freedom at all. Out there, there was only Survival - not exactly the "Freedom" they'd been looking for.

We were able to get the youngest one back, and is currently living with us. The eldest one would come flying down to us but then go back into the trees. After a while he we couldn't hear him anymore (when we'd whistle they'd both respond with a short 'tweet' - that's how we would find them when we couldn't see them).

Lol - the moment we got the youngest one in the cage, it stuffed itself with food and fell asleep from exhaustion. This was just ONE HOUR of being outside 'in the wild'.

The Idea and Picture that everyone has of Nature is so deceptive - as if it is this 'Beautiful' Thing - and 'if only we could be a bit more like Nature & The Animals'. The truth is that Nature and The Animal Kingdom are a reflection of our Nature, of Human Nature. The Survival you see in Nature is the same Survival you see within Human Society. It's Cruel & Deceptive.

This just shows the extent of how we have fucked up this entire reality in each and every single way possible- that deception has seeped through every particle of existence. It's time to Stop.

Expanding Responsibility

2010-11-25T22:38:00.000+02:00

About a month ago, Cerise purchased some DVD’s over the internet on Hoof Rehabilitation for Horses. Before, a few of us would do a little hoof trimming ‘on the side’ – meaning – the farrier and his boys would come every 4 to 6 weeks and trim the horses their feet down, and after that we would do bits of maintenance trims (in my case mostly taking flares down).

Watching these new DVD’s though, gave a whole new perspective on the anatomy of a horse’s hoof and the dynamics involved. Taking in this new information and looking at our current farrier and his methods, I realised that he is actually just harming the horses. If I looked at the problems Charlie has had with his hoofs – they would re-occur after each trim, and whenever the farrier came, for the next week his hoofs would be very sensitive and soar.

I wasn’t too happy with this realisation because it came down to me having to make a decision.

a) I let our current farrier trim Charlie’s hooves knowing that he is actually just harming him

b) I educate myself and take full responsibility for Charlie’s hooves and no longer depend on a farrier.

The reason why I wasn’t ‘too happy’ with the realisation I had, was that I now knew that the farrier was harming the horse’s hoof and thus I could not just “ignore” this and let the point of ‘hooves’ be something the farrier takes care of – something that the farrier must deal with on his next visit, and I can just ‘wash my hands off’ this point and distance myself - because ‘it’s not my area’, ‘I don’t deal with this’, ‘it’s his problem’...

With this new knowledge it became my problem though and it was up to me to do something about it. So I started studying the DVD’s and slowly started trimming Charlie’s hooves.

Then a week later or so, Cerise came in my room saying that the farrier was gonna be here nownow and that it was up to me if I wanted to take Charlie down.

My first thought was that I should bring him down to get a trim, ‘to be on the safe side’. On the safe side from the perspective of ‘what if I did anything wrong’, ‘what if I am fucking my horse up’ – ‘let the guy just do his job, this is his area of expertise’. But then I also knew that if I let him trim my horse it would undo everything I’ve done so far and that I’d have to start over from scratch. So it came down to a point of trust – to allow myself to trust myself and stick to my common sense.

My only point of certainty was that I knew that the traditional method of trimming was harming the horse and that what was being in explained in the DVD’s made a whole lot of sense.

So I decided not to bring Charlie down.

This for me was a very hard decision because it somehow felt that I was ‘letting go’ of being able to depend on the farrier and that it was now all up to me. I also knew that he wouldn’t agree with this way of trimming (this was clear from past conversations on the topic where he would disagree with certain styles of trimming) and kind of ‘wanted to be nice’ and ‘stick to his method’ and from that perspective ‘just let him trim Charlie’ – not wanting any conflict or confrontation of any kind.

I also in a way didn’t see myself fit to take care of Charlie’s hooves - seeing him as ‘more than’ due to his profession being that of a farrier – you know, hooves is what he does – and me only being into horse stuff quiet recently, and learning new things – thinking that he as ‘the established knowledge’ might see me as a dumb, spoiled, stupid, girl that doesn’t know what she’s doing (which is all just self-judgment and pre-conceived I ideas I have about myself as being inadequate)

I went down anyway to assist with the horses that were being done because some of the people weren’t on the farm. As they were busy doing the hooves I observed and was quite satisfied with my decision of not letting them do Charlie. When Polo (horse) was done I left.

Afterwards Rozelle came to me in my room saying that they almost did Charlie’s feet but that they told them not to do it. She then also said that the farrier disagreed with the way I was trimming and that according to him I was harming the horse and that if I was to continue he didn’t want to work on my horse every again.

So there big fear and anxiety came up – for me this confirmed my anticipation that he wouldn’t agree and that if I was going to trim Charlie myself, I wouldn’t be able to ‘fall back’ on the farrier if I wanted.

I started looking at all the different possibilities of what he might have been referring to that I might have done wrong, that could end up in me having done harm unto Charlie. I re-watched the videos, rechecked all the documentation to see where I could’ve done something wrong. The only point that I could see was that I might had ‘done wrong’ – was that I had taken down his hoof a bit too much.

I did self-forgiveness that day out loud on self-trust and fear of making mistakes and fucking Charlie up. But I was still very anxious about his feet and the ‘possible harm’ that might come from what I had done (abscesses or bruises or pain in general). I resisted going to the horses and taking care of Charlie because all I could think of was his hooves and me having fucked them up. Each time I would go up to him I would immediately check his feet to make sure that everything was still ‘right’ and that he was still standing (lol I even imagined his hooves having fallen off and him laying on the ground). I’d also want to get away from Charlie has soon as possible because I wanted to ‘get away’ from this uncomfortable point. The fear was quite extensive.

I then realised what I was doing, and that I was actually neglecting Charlie in a way as if he was something ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ because of his hooves and the new responsibility that came along with it. It reminded me of the day when I first got Charlie, I was so scared and afraid of him because I was afraid of the amount of responsibility involved. This being was fully dependent on me and that was it. When I realised that point – I stopped – and I embraced the responsibility, just as I had done before when I got him.

Later that day I looked again at everything, and I picked up one of the hooves that was trimmed by the farrier and that hoof was looking worse than Charlie’s. Meaning that his argument against the way Charlie’s foot was trimmed was invalid, because if that was the case – it could also be applied to the way he was trimming hooves ( I feared I had taken the hoof down too much – yet the other horses their hooves were cut flat – the harm he was speaking of might as well happen to them).

So I set all my nervousness and anxieties aside and allowed myself to trust myself once more. Charlie’s feet are looking good and I am satisfied that I can maintain his feet on my own. I know that this is a step in the unknown but this is a point of responsibility that was going to have to be taken either way. I know I might make mistakes, but I also know that I will get right eventually. And I’ve got Cerise who is also joining me in this ‘new journey’ of taking care of our boys’ hooves and we can support each other in this.

And – looking at it from a practical side - if everyone were to look after their own horse’s their hooves, there would be no need for farriers doing a mass amount of horses and fucking up their bodies completely. This bieng just a consideration for in an Equal Money System.

Reflecting Back on Parents visiting the Desteni Farm

2010-11-05T20:38:00.000+02:00

My mother came to visit the Farm last year, around July/August.
This year she came and visit again, this time with my father. They planned a tour through South Africa prior to coming to the Farm, and asked me and Maite to come with - which we did.

After the tour Bernard came to pick us up at Durban airport and we left for the farm.

The decision that my father was going to visit along with my mother had been made pretty early on. So during the year, I would from time to time wonder and even fear what it would be like with my father visiting the farm.

My relationship with my father back in Belgium was one of fear and avoidance. I resisted seeing him again, at the farm, because I feared that we would just play out the same dynamic again. All the worst case scenario stuff that I had imagined didn't happen at all lol.

What was interesting though was that I could see my parents for the first time. They were taken out of their comfort/safety zone which was their 'home' and also 'their country' - to a different country, where they didn't know the language well, and stayed at someone else's place.

Just that change of environment exposed how much of how I knew them to be was all environment related. Back in Belgium I saw my parents, as responsible, trustworthy adults. But seeing them in an environment where they have literally no control = showed the real truth. They couldn't go and use their 'family authority' or 'this is my house' authority whenever it suited them, because they were no longer in their 'bubble'.

Them being here left them in a vulnerable position, which allowed me to re-evaluate how I saw my parents and who I am in relation to them. Suddenly me and Maite were put in the position of 'parents' or 'responsible ones'. They don't know English very well, so with every little thing they wanted to do or find out = we had to be present, and they would freak out whenever they wouldn't understand a situation (= left with no control).

The most interesting part for me was that I saw that I do not have to have this 'fear-avoidance' relationship with my dad, and that if something is bother me, I can actually talk to him about.

So basically, it was interesting to see how their personality as I knew them to be was closely related and tied to their home environment/safety/comfort-zone - and once that is taken away, that particular personality breaks apart. It was fascinating that I could see with my own eyes how I had experienced myself towards my parents, and how we as a family participated with each other had been one big fraud, a huge mind fuck for all those years - each one just playing out their script, their role - without stepping out of it.

And with that realization - it was cool to just let go.

Why we Are All Mass Murderers within Our Current Money System

2009-12-08T14:38:00.001+02:00

I would like to mention the point of ‘Why we are all Mass Murderers’ with our Current Money System.

Due to accepting and allowing the existence of our Current Money System we are all collectively Mass Murderers.

So, Why are we all Mass Murderers within our Current Money System?

Because our Current Money System is Based on a Polarity Construct where some ‘Have’ and some ‘Have-Not’. Where we all participate in making the rich more rich and the poor more poor. And we all have agreed on this Money System.

As long as we keep on supporting our Current Money System simply by accepting it and allowing it to exist – we are actually the ones killing those unable to support themselves due to lack of money.

They are not just dying of ‘starvation’. They are dying because of our ignorance and lack of basic common sense and care for one another.

They are dying because we are unwilling to change. They are dying in Our name.

We are the ones putting death sentences on innocent children just so we can maintain and continue our lifestyle.

We are the ones Responsible – We are the ones that can thus make a Change.

Support an Equal Money System where all get a Basic Amount of Money to be able to support themselves – and Stop the needless dying.

An Equal Money System where those that currently Have – will still Have – but they won’t have unnecessary things that they do not actually need– because those things require others to not have.

And where the current Have-Not’s – will Have as well.

It has already been proven that there is enough food and resources to support Everyone. The only reason why one would not want to Implement an Equal Money and Support system is due to Self-Interest.

Stop the Killing, Stand for an Equal Money System.

points that came up during movie

2008-12-08T12:29:00.000+02:00

What came up during the movie I went to see yesterday

So – what came up within seeing ‘Twilight’. First of all my fascinating for this guy – his eyes – that specific look I always fall for.

What did I find so fascinating about him?

He was beautiful. He seemed mature, ‘deep’ – the perception that there is something ‘more’ within this guy. And this ‘more’ would state that there is a ‘less’ within me – that I am unfulfilled – that I am incomplete and that I need to fill up this ‘less’ and fulfill myself.

Excitement – I look for excitement. During the movie I got sucked into this energy of excitement – like an energy that builds up to then come to its climax like an orgasm.

Whenever I meet a guy like that I get totally fascinated and then my sole purpose – goal becomes ‘getting him’. It’s like an exciting chase – my search for acceptance within another. And I will not care how much I compromise myself – supress myself – abuse myself – as long as I get this guy I believe it to be all worth it.
The belief that acceptance lies within another. That self acceptance can only be here if I get accepted by someone else first. And being accepted by this being becomes my focus – not realising that I am separating myself from self-acceptance HERE. Literally chasing a ghost – a projection outside of myself.

Getting someone to love me – accept me – being the ultimate goal in my life. This energy – excitement of getting that is similar to that of the energy of sex – of getting an orgasm.

Getting my goal fulfilled – to get my goal achieved is my orgasm.

Seeing sex as the ultimate act of acceptance – THE achievement – the final goal. So the path of excitement – the desire – chase – manipulation is only there to get to this final point. To experience myself as complete – which I defined to be the act of sex – experiencing an orgasm - as being the act of total acceptance. And believe that to be something I have to achieve (while it is really an empty and shallow experience – and then there’s the dissapointment afterwards – because I still feel incomplete – unfulfilled. Because I haven’t accepted myself and until I see and realise that all of me is HERE and I accept myself as all of me that is here – I will experience myself as being incomplete and unfulfilled – looking for something more. But this can never be achieved by looking and getting something outside – separate from myself. Cause by looking for something ‘more’ I am stating that I am ‘less’ and thus I will get ‘less’ – one and equal. Trapped forever – enslaved forever within desire – polarity – separation and unfulfillment.

Wanting – desiring to be complete – to be fulfilled. Big time separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the act of sex as being the act of ultimate acceptance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that acceptance lies within the act of sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined an orgasm as the experience of being complete – as being fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define completeness and fullfilment as having sex and experiencing an orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have let ‘experiencing completeness, fullfillment and acceptance’ be the ultimate goal in my life that I have to achieve – which I separated myself from – and projected unto the act of sex and experiencing an orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have let ‘having an orgasm wherein I experience fulfillment, completeness and total self acceptance’ become my ultimate goal in my life – as THE thing I have to achieve to be content with myself – to finally be complete

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken for granted the extent to which I separated me from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as incomplete

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be incomplete – to experience myself as being incomplete

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as being unfulfilled – to believe myself being unfulfilled – and to experience myself as being unfulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as ‘missing’ something – stating that there is a ‘less’ within me and that I need to get a ‘more’ to complete myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have started a search – a quest – to get that ‘something more’ which I perceive myself to need to be fulfilled – looking, searching and seeking for something outside of myself to complete myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this ‘more’ I am searching for – lies within guys – within relationships and the act of sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated me from myself – and within that experience myself as missing something

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I can never be complete, fulfilled and accept myself by looking for something outside of myself. There is nothing outside of myself that can complete, fullfill me or accept me. Only I can complete, fullfill and accept me – within seeing and realising that all of me is already HERE as ME and thus I do not require to look for it somewhere outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘finding someone to totally accept me – love me’ as being the ultimate goal in my life that I have to achieve

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘the act of sex – as the act of total acceptance’ as being the ultimate goal in my life that I have to achieve

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined sex as the key to experience acceptance, completeness and fullfillment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made something out of sex which it is not

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that sex is simply an expression – nothing more – nothing less

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/belief/opinion/image/perception that the key to experiencing acceptance, completeness and fullfillment lies within sex – within experiencing an orgasm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise msyelf within achieving this ultimate goal that I have set for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself within achieving this ultimate goal that I have set for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself within achieving this ultimate goal that I have set for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care to which extent I have to compromise, suppress, abuse myself – as long as I can achieve my goal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw myself as life into a trashcan so I can chase some illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to abdicate msyelf completely to the mind – to my quest – search – goal of achievement

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is nothing for me to achieve – as all is here already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy this search – this quest and defined it as being exciting – while it’s all just one big energy fuck leading to – exactly NOWHERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up this energy and then follow it in the hope and belief that it will lead me to something MORE than who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be more than who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look up this energy and follow it even though I know it leads to nowhere – yet I follow my curiosity and hope that maybe MAYBE THIS TIME I will get what I want

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to STOP when I notice myself following this energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to this energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need this energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need this energy like I need water to keep myself alive

Funny – the movie was about vampires – but who’s being the real vampire here lol “III nEEEEEED ENEERGYYYYYYY *sucks energy up yummmm better than blood mmm*

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that all of me is HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as impossibe/inprobable that everything of me is already here as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to see that all of me is already here as me – because I have defined it as being impossible and unreal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as impossible that all of me is already HERE as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as impossible and unreal for me to accept me to live in self acceptance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as impossible and unreal for me to love me and live in self love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as unreal and impossible for me to be complete and fulfilled without needing anything or anyone outside of myself to ‘make me so’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and deny myself within these definitions

I let go of all definitions

I accept myself here

I appreciate myself

I love myself

I am here

I am stable

I do not accept and allow myself to distract myself with haunting projections and following energies that lead to nowhere

I do not accept and allow myself to separate me from myself any longer

I see that all of me is HERE – and that looking for me somewhere out there is simply separation and not real.

I accept that all of me is HERE as me

I breathe

I express

I am here

Manipulation

2008-12-06T18:10:00.001+02:00

Manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation to exist within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate out of self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become habituated to manipulating – to manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted manipulating/manipulation within my nature – deeming it as natural

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation to be normal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined manipulation as ‘normal’ , ‘natural’ and ‘accepted’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that manipulation isn’t normal, natural or acceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that manipulation can be justified

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question manipulation in all its different ways and forms

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate people into liking me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to manipulate people into liking me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/perception/belief/opinion/image that I need to manipulate people into liking me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ok to manipulate other beings into liking me as it is all I have ever known and believe it to be justified because everyone else is doing it – instead of seeing and realising that it is not ok, it is not normal to manipulate and it is not ok that everyone else is doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made it a habit to manipulate other beings into liking me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live through a program where I manipulate other beings into liking me – instead of expressing myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation to be a natural extension of myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question why I manipulate other beings into liking me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become used to manipulating other beings into liking me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question myself and stop in the moment that I see and realise that I am using manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken manipulation for granted because it seemed ‘so me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to and as manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation to exist within and as me – as a part of me which I believe to be me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that manipulation is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and endless pattern where I manipulate other beings into liking me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to practice manipulation as if it is necessary – like breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe manipulation to be necessary

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that manipulation is not necessary

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to just unconditionally express myself – direct – instead of wasting my time in manipulating and calculating how I should express myself to come to a desired outcome/result

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do without manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself unconditionally out of fear what the other might say or think – and thus I wrap what I want to express in manipulation

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be unconditionally and directive within my expression – but instead present what I want to express in such a way that I can have a desired outcome/result (or avoid a certain outcome/result) – without realising that I am actually compromising myself and my self expression through manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to manipulate in whatever I express

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can choose between expressing myself in a manipulative way – or being direct – whenever it suits me best

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there lies no choice within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become dependent on manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed manipulation to be my ‘safe zone’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing that part of me where I defined myself according to manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out who I am if I were to let go of manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared in letting go of manipulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of manipulation because of fear of conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have soaked manipulation into everything I say or do – out of fear of conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use manipulation out of fear of conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used manipulation to avoid conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used manipulation so that I do not have to be faced with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used manipulation as a form of procrastination so that I do not have to face myself – yet

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that whenever I am not being unconditional – I am manipulating in one way or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the constant and continuous expectation/anticipation of conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken this expectation/anticipation for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the constant and continuous expectation/anticipation of conflict and therefore use manipulation constantly and continuously in order to prevent this ‘conflict’ that I expect/anticipate to be coming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become used to living in constant and continuous expectation/anticipation of conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned myself into fearing conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project conflict into the future and use manipulation as a means to avoid this ‘conflict’ idea that I projected into the future

Where does this construct originate from?
Childhood - newsflash

Expressing myself unconditionally wasn’t appreciated and thus I compromised and suppressed my self expression. If I did express myself I would to it in such a way towards a being that I could calculate how they would react to it – as in getting positive feedback from them – instead of judgment (if I were to just unconditionally express myself)

So herein the belief/idea was also created that if I were to unconditionally express myself - I would end up being judged. So instead I would present myself and express myself in such a way that I could calculate how the other being would react to it – and get positive feedback because of fear of judgment.

This construct kept running throughout my entire life – even though it didn’t/doesn’t apply to the circumstances at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate other beings into liking me because I fear being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to use manipulation – and that if I don’t I will end up being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use manipulation to avoid being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/belief/opinion/image/perception that if I do not manipulate – I will get judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I unconditionally express myself that I will get judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/image/belief/perception/opinion that if I were to unconditionally express myself – that I will get judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned myself into believing that I have to use manipulation and that if I don’t I will get judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned myself into believing that if I express myself unconditionally that I will get judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and avoid judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect and anticipate other people judging me and thus I use manipulation as a means to avoid judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment because I believe it to be real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that judgment is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the image/idea/belief/opinion/perception that judgment is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached worth, value and meaning to judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe judgment to be valid

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that judgment is not real – not valid – and is actually worthless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used manipulation as a means to keep myself safe from judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need manipulation to be able to live in this world

I let go

I breathe

I let go of manipulation

I let go of control

I let go of fear

I accept myself

I am here

I express myself here in every moment of breath – where no expectation or anticpation exists – where only I as the breath remains HERE. I express msyelf unconditionally and not accept and allow myself to compromise myself.
I let go of my fear of judgment. I see and realise that judgment is not real – and it never has been real.
I let go of patterns and habits that do not serve me – such as manipulation and the anticipation of judgment.
When I notice myself going into manipulation mode – I STOP – I breathe – I let go and simply express myself unconditionally.
I assist and support myself - within capturing these moments of shifting in a mode - by being here in self presence in every moment of breath. To no longer live in constructs and programs of the past – but live here in every single moment of breath – living to the fullest.

Mistakes

2008-12-03T22:04:00.001+02:00

Bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘bad’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect ‘bad’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined mistakes/making mistakes as bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that making mistakes is bad – that mistakes are bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mistakes as being bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity manifestation of good and bad – in judging mistakes as bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mistakes

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see mistakes for what they are – mis takes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/image/belief/perception/idea/illusion that mistakes are BAAAAAD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make something of mistakes in my head which it is not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret mistakes through and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as bad when making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/image/belief/perception/idea/illusion/interpretation that I am bad if I make a mistake

Failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘failure’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and link ‘failure’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined making mistakes as failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that failing and making mistakes are the same thing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure whenever I make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be a failure whenever I make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/opinion/image/belief/perception/interpretation that making a mistake equals failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/opinion/image/belief/perception/interpretation that if I make a mistake that this implies that I am a failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge mistakes as failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for making mistakes as being a failure

Self-Judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘self judgment’ to ‘making a mistake’/’mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect ‘self judgment’ to mistakes/making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mistakes/making mistakes implies self judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I make a mistake – according to the ideas/perceptions/beliefs/opinions that I have (created) about what mistakes are and what they ‘imply’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to something that is not even REAL

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied by defining myself according to stuff that is not even real lolol

I forgiven myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bother judging myself when I make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell in self judgment when I make a mistake instead of looking at the mistake practically and do it over and over again until I stop mis taking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to judge myself for making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/idea/image/belief/perception that I should judge myself and that I have to judge myself when I make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made a religion out of judging myself for making mistakes lol

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself that see and realise that self judgment is not real – and not valid

Belief that mistakes are not allowed – everything must go perfect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘not allowed’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and link ‘not allowed’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined mistakes and making mistakes as NOT ALLOWED

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an opinion/idea/image/belief/perception about mistakes/making mistakes that looks like this : NOT ALLOWED lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mistakes/making mistakes is not allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within not allowing myself to make mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/image/idea/belief/perception that everything must go perfect from the very first time and that no mistakes are allowed

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am limiting myself within accepting the belief that mistakes are not allowed

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the belief - that mistakes is not allowed – does not actually serve me - and thus I let it go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect ‘everything must go perfect’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘everything must go perfect’ to ‘making mistakes/mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have set up a rule for myself that everything must go perfect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within wanting to do everything right from the first time

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the belief - that everything I do must go perfect from the very first time – does not serve me – and thus I let it go

Right/Wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘right/wrong’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and link ‘right/wrong’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret mistakes according to right/wrong – according to morality – according to polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place mistakes/making mistakes within polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret and experience mistakes from a polarity perspective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in polarity within defining mistakes/making mistakes as wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in polarity within defining not making a mistake/no mistakes as right

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is wrong to make mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something ‘wrong’ as in making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined mistakes as wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take mistakes personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place mistakes within the box of “WRONG!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should do everything right – and that I cannot make mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry whether what I do is right or wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within polarity mindgames to keep myself occupied and distracted from what is really HERE

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ to be valid opinions within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the opinions that exist within me of what is right and wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached and placed value, worth and meaning into ‘right’ and ‘wrong’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ are simply opinions and thus not real

Fear of judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes because of fear what other people might maybe possibly think about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to make mistakes out of the fear what other people might maybe possibly think of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pre occupied with what people think of me – and in this occupation/distraction keep myself from giving myself space – allowing myself to make mistakes and expand myself within and through this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes because of fear that other people might judge me for the mistakes I make

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect and anticipate judgment from others if I were to make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take other people their judgments personally and believe that because they react to me making a mistake that there is something wrong with ME

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I make a mistake – and thus take other people their judgments personally as a validation that I fucked up and that I suck

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather not take risks because I do not want to find out afterwards that I was indeed wrong – that I made a mistake and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within this BIG TIME

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give fuck all about what other people think of me

Holding back – “what if”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back within the fear of making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should fear mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘fear’ to ‘mistake/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect ‘fear’ to ‘mistake/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/image/opinion/belief/perception that mistakes/making mistakes should be feared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned myself into fearing mistakes/making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the fear of making a mistake – as in holding back – instead of pushing and breathing through the fear and just going for it unconditionally – for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and ponder about “what if’ – instead of taking directive action in self trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bother about “what ifs”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pre occupied with “what ifs”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that worrying and thinking about ‘what ifs’ is what it is = A BIG WASTE OF TIME

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a choice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at things from the perspective of having a choice

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that only systems have got choice

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when I consider choice – I am already being dishonest with myself

Control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘control’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect ‘control’ to ‘mistakes/making mistakes’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in constant and continuous control within the fear of possibly making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to practice control non stop because of the fear of making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to practice and participate in control because I haven’t let go of the fear of making a mistake

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally and within that let go of all fear and thus let go of control

Trust – Direction –Movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself self trust within the fear of making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself self direction within the fear of making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself self movement within the fear of making a mistake

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that self trust – self direction and self movement is HERE as ME and that there is no reason to fear mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within denying myself self trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within denying myself self movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within denying myself self direction

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am deliberately putting myself in a situation where I am stuck – as there is no self movement, self trust of self direction involved – all because of my fear of maybe possibly making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the fear of making mistakes

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am compromising myself within denying myself self trust – self direction and self movement

I let go

I do not accept and allow myself to compromise myself over some stupid fear that doesn’t make sense at all

I let go of fear

I trust myself

I direct myself

I move myself

And I ENJOOOOOY myself hihihi lolol

Truth of Myself

2008-12-03T22:02:00.001+02:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea of what the truth of me is - as some separate entity idea that I have yet to discover within myself lol
(from previous self forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/image/belief/perception/opinion of what the “truth of me” is – as some separate entitiy that I have yet to discover within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/image/belief/perception of what the “truth of me” could possibly be – as some separate entity that is hiding within myself that I have never heard of but should be scared about lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created expectations and assumptions of what “the truth of me” could possibly be – but not actually knowing what this is – as I have defined it outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of myself as something separate, outside of myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the truth of me is not some creepy idea – but my self honesty point in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I had created an idea/image/belief/perception/opinion of what the truth of me could be – or “is” – instead of realising that the truth of me is not an idea – but who I am in every single moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the idea that I had of what the truth of me is – was never real – but just an illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of me as something horrible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/belief/image/idea/perception that the truth of me was something horrible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is horrible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of me as some “dark secret” that slumbered inside of me – as an entity that I was not even aware of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/belief/image/idea/perception that the truth of me was some dark secret that slumbered inside of me – as an entity that I was not even aware of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a dark secret within me that I do not know of but it sure as hell must be awfull lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated me from myself by creating an idea of what the truth of me is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of me as ‘hidden evil’ inside of me of which I am not aware and which can pop out anytime

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/image/idea/belief/perception that the truth of me is some hidden evil of which I am unware that can pop up anytime and take over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is some hidden evil within me that I am unaware of and that can pop up at any time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of me as being my greatest fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/image/idea/perception/belief of the truth of me as being my greatest fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should fear myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me being my greatest fear is simply ridiculous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the truth of me as “unknown” – instead of realising that it is here as me in every breath

I let go of all defintions/ideas/perceptions/images/beliefs/opinions related to the truth of me

I see and realise that I live the truth of me in every single moment of breath – and that this is not something separate from me

I see that the truth of me is here in every single moment of breath – and it is not only irrational but ridiculous to fear the moment of breath here as me and thus just stupid to fear the truth of me.

I let go of fear

I am here

I breathe

Facing

2008-12-02T15:40:00.003+02:00

Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feeling/emotion anxiety to the word facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect the word facing to anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing implies anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anxiety has got anything to do with facing.

Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feeling/emotion fear to the word facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect the word facing to anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing implies fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear has got anything to do with facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to have defined facing as something to be done wthin the future – expecting and anticipating this ‘moment’ which thus created fear and anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing as being a future projection – something that will happen in the future
Instead of realising that facing is HERE in every single moment of breath I face myself as what I have accepted and allowed – every single moment I have the opportunity to face me to transform me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing is something that should be feared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing as something that should be feared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/belief/perception/image/opinion that facing is something that should be feared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of the truth of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea of what the truth of me as some separate entity idea outside of myself that I have yet to discover lol

Okay – this is an interesting one – will map that one out as well.

Not enjoyable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘not enjoyable’ to the word facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing as not being enjoyable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the image/idea/picture/perception/opinion/belief that facing myself is not enjoyable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the image/perception/idea/opinion/belief/picture that I am not able to enjoy myself within facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as some event separate outside of myself that ‘happens to me’ – instead of seeing and realising that facing is HERE as me in every single moment of breath – it is me directing me into facing myself in every single moment instead of being event driven as something that happens to me that I am “now facing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the idea/perception/idea/belief/opinion that I cannot enjoy myself within facing myself – which is in every single moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that facing me is a self directive expression of me and thus I am able to move myself within this expression and enjoy me – because in facing me as what I have accepted and allowed I am honouring me as life and I allow myself to enjoy myself within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have set up rules for myself that I am not allowed to enjoy myself within facing myself which is actually the same as saying that I cannot enjoy myself at all haha

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with my self imposed rules and limitation of what can and can’t be done within facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined what facing is

I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to have created an opinion of what facing means – of what it apparently implies

I allow myself to enjoy myself in every single moment

I allow myself to enjoy myself within facing myself as I am doing myself a favour haha

Uncomfortable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the experience of being uncomfortable to the word facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect being uncomfortable to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as something to be experienced as uncomfortable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/image/opinion/belief/perception that facing myself implies being uncomfortable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable within facing myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this uncomfortability is the resistance of the mind – fear of loss – fear of death – fear of letting go of all the rules, ideas, definitions and limitations

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace this uncomfortability as me and push through it – transforming and changing myself within and as the mind – into no more accepting and allowing my bullshit as self imposed rules, limitations, ideas

Test

Test, points, evaluation, fear of making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect mistakes to the word facing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach “fear of making mistakes” to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself implies mistakes.

Well it kind of does lol. OK – map out mistakes lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist facing myself because of the fear of making a mistake

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is no bigger mistake than fear of making a mistake lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and be pre occupied with the fear of making mistakes instead of accepting myself and loving myself and within this not allow such a fear to limit me or hold me back but just go for it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that mistakes do not exist – they only assist and support thus what are they really?

Stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the experience of stress to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect and link stress to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the opinion/belief/idea/image/perception that facing myself implies stress

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself under tension and stress

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that stress is totally unnecessary and useless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given worth, value and meaning to stress as something that appently helps me – assists and supports me – while all it really does is fuck myself up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck myself up with stress

How/where does this stress originate from?  from the rules I have placed upon myself to which I apparently have to live by and keep up with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself when I am not following my self imposed rules and limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself within self judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself in the belief that I should do better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself in the belief that I could to better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress myself in the belief that I am not doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that self judgment does not serve me in anyway whatsoever

I let go of self judgment

I let go of judgment

I allow myself to live

Depressing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feeling of being depressed to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being depressed is one of the consequences of facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined depression as a consequence of facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I face myself I will get depressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/opinion/belief/perception/image that facing myself implies experiencing depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined depression as a consequence of facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the image/idea/perception/opinion/belief that I will get get depressed if I face myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is impossible to be depressed within facing myself because if I were to face myself I simply stand up from depression – and how can it be depressing to do myself a favour as in facing myself?

Difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached ‘difficult’ to ‘facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect ‘difficult’ to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as being difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/opinion/belief/image/perception that facing myself is difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/opinion/belief/image/perception about facing myself in general.

Hard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached “hard” to “facing myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect “hard” to “facing myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘facing myself’ as being ‘hard’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the perception/idea/image/belief/opinion that facing myself is hard

Unpleasant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached ‘unpleasant’ to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected and linked ‘unpleasant’ to ‘facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as being unpleasant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself is unpleasant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the idea/perception/image/opinion/belief that facing myself is unpleasant

Heavy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached heavy/burden to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected ‘heavy/burden’ to ‘facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as being a burden

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the image/idea/perception/belief/opinion that facing myself is a burden – that facing myself is heavy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that not facing myself is the actually burden as I have to carry the weight of the mind

Having to prove something to someone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached ‘having to prove something to someone’ to facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have linked and connected ‘having to prove something to someone’ to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing implies that I have to prove something to someone

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to face me for me – but face myself to apparently please another

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to face myself unconditionally – head on for myself as myself

Bernard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached ‘Bernard’ to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected and linked ‘Bernard’ to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself implies having Bernard around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need Bernard in order to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the perception/image/idea/belief/opinion that I need Bernard in order to face myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I only need myself in order to face myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need Bernard to push my buttons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need Bernard to point out points within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am dependent on Bernard within facing myself

Farm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached “the farm” to “facing myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected and linked “the farm” to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am defined by my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only face myself properly in certain environments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need the farm and the people at the farm in order for me to be able to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself has got anything to do to with the farm or the people at the farm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from the people at the farm

No Fun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached ‘no fun’ to ‘facing myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link and connect ‘no fun’ to facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself implies no fun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘facing myself’ as not being fun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined facing myself as something dead serious where there is no space for fun

I allow myself to have fun within my facing myself

I allow myself to have fun within my process

I allow myself to have fun in every single moment of breath

I face myself in every single moment of breath

Muziekschool

2008-11-30T20:43:00.001+02:00

When I wrote my multiply post on my experiences with money I came across a memory of myself going to music school.

I didn’t enjoy having that memory again cause I didn’t want to be reminded of that period. I totally suppressed that time – and when the memory popped-up I was thinking “shit, it’s still there”.

So obviously – something I have to look at.

Since I was like 6 or so I had to go to music school after the regular school hours. I followed this course along with other kids where you learn about melody, rhythm, music in general.
I followed this for about 1 or 2 years – can’t remember exactly.
That course was kind of fun cause we got it in the ballet room of the school – which equals a lot of space to run around and a lot of mirrors to have fun with.

I think we also learnt how to play flute at that time.

When I was about 7-8 I had to move over to more advanced classes. I was a bit older now and all the kids had to sit at a desk/table and there was a big blackboard in front of the room just like at school – so it was like going to more school after school.

Playing time was over now, no more running around in the ballet room. We had to learn about music theory, we had to sing notes, learn Italian words by heart,… all the fun was GONE.

I was a very shy kid and did not really know anyone in my class. All the other girls came from the same school and all knew each other + they actually had talent – they had great voices. I only knew this one girl that used to be in my school but she was only distracting me during class which made it hard for me to keep up. There was also one guy – he also had a great voice and he was gay as hell ha-ha and he was so much fun.

I was always silent during classes and didn’t say a single word – unless the teacher asked me a question (but I was always in fear and anxiety of the possibility that he might ask me a question and that I might not know the answer).

First year of those new classes were quite ok – cause we had a large group so we did everything in group (so we never had to sing alone) and you could just mix in with the crowd and not be noticed lol.

But afterwards the classes either got split or many kids left. And then there were only about 15-20 of us left. Which meant we had to do stuff alone – like singing.

I fucking hated singing stupid fucking notes in front of the stupid fucking class. Ah – here comes my suppressed anger lol fucckedifuckfuckfuck.

At the beginning of every class we would sing all the notes together to warm up our voices and then I would just go “lalalaalala’ quietly not even singing just whispering or sometimes just moving with my mouth pretending I’m singing along.

Whenever I had to sing on my own there would come no sound out my mouth. I just couldn’t sing in front of all those people. And then the teacher would get angry and the kids would start laughing so then I really pushed myself to sing while suppressing crying – to at least get some notes out.

Then I would tremble for the rest of the class just being concentrated on not crying and holding it in. Once at home I would cry in my room.

A lot of times I would pretend to be sick – or just before we had to leave for my class I’d go sit on the toilet and pretend I was having major poo going on which would result in me being so late that mom said “I might as well NOT go now”. And then she was all pissed at me and say something like “you know we – your parents pay for those lessons”

Feeding me with guilt so I would feel bad and not pull such a trick again. I then just simply started skipping music school by going to sit in the public library (the library was next to the music school) and spend my time until class would be over. Or I would sit the entire class on the toilet at the music school (and I wasn’t the only kid doing this – damn there were MANY kids skipping music school) and get out when it was over.

Of course my mom found out so she took some measurements. Normally I would go home right after school and have about half an hour – 40 min to do stuff and then we had to leave for music school. During those 30-40 min I’d do everything I could – and I made up everything I could to just not having to go to music school. Sometimes it worked but most of the time it didn’t. So when we had to go I either skipped class – or just went to the class (after a while my mom made sure she saw me enter the classroom).

My mom was pretty tired of the same scenario happening over and over again and hearing and seeing me doing everything in my power to not have to go to music school.
And she was tired of me skipping music school. Thus à measurements.

She arranged it so that after regular school my guitar teacher would pick me up at school and bring me to music school straight away – a friend of my moms would bring my guitar so I wouldn’t have to worry about that (besides the normal music class I would just before have guitar class).
So it was impossible for me to ask my mom to not go – and it was impossible to go sit on the toilet at home…

At school when the bell rang at the end of the day – I would almost piss my pants knowing I had to go to music school. I was really miserable back then. I hated being at home because of my dad and I hated being out of home cause that ment music school.

Haha, I remember that on the building of the music school at the front there was this red light – and if it was on it meant a teacher was sick. So everytime we’d arrive at the school I’d be looking out the window of the car to get a glimpse of the lamp to check if it was on. And if it was I kept hoping it was one of my teachers.

I also hated studying for the exams at music school – I already had to learn stuff for regular school and now I had to learn even more. I hated everything at music school cause everything you did would get judged as in getting grades. And then your grades would hang in the hallway where everyone could see it and everyone would be comparing grades.

When we played guitar for our exam in first year it was just you and your teacher – the next year it was in front of a jury and even later you had to play in front of an entire crowd…
Thank god I quitted before that had to happen lol.

Whenever I’d enter the music school there was this YOU HAVE TO PERFORM vibe that I’d experience. You have to perform, you have to do your best and we judge you and it better be good.

At one point someone of the family commited suicide. Just after that I had to go to music school and I started crying in class – not because the person that died – but because I felt like shit at music school – and I had an excuse to why I was crying cause someone died so everyone was like aaaw poor leila.

It took my mom quite a while before she understood that I really not enjoyed going to music school.
Me saying I don’t want to go wasn’t clear enough. Me doing everything to be late wasn’t clear enough. Me skipping music school wasn’t clear enough. Me crying wasn’t clear enough – but when I cried on my knees and begging her not having to go there anymore as if my life depended on it – she started to notice something.

The day we went up there and said Leila quits was the best day of my life lol. They all tried to persuade me into staying or going to a different music school but I simply had enough.

After three years I finally got to quit – I was so happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed the time and the experience of when I went to music school – believing that this chapter was closed and to never be opened again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience total disgust while writing about music school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgusted with myself for what I experienced at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to look into the experience I had there because of the total disgust that came up

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am actually doing myself a favour by looking into this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to forget about all of that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided within myself the day that I quit that I would never set foot in that building ever again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look back at that time in hate, anger and regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed the anger that I experienced because my mother forced me to go music school and I couldn’t do anything about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger towards myself and my mother for not seeing what I felt back then and how she kept forcing me to go to music school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to felt powerless, hopeless and lost because no matter what I did my mother she kept pushing me to go to music school – no matter what I did or what I felt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for in despair having cried on my knees begging my mom not to force me into going to music school

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak for having broken down infront of my mom – crying and begging on my knees

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to felt hopeless, helpless, powerless, lost and rejected because my mom did not support me but forced me into going to music school – and I couldn’t understand why she would do that and let me experience all that shit when it was obvious that I hated it – I couldn’t understand how she could be so cold

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt lost because I had no one to count on – even my mother was ‘against me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt miserable because I had no one to talk to everyone was busy worrying about there own lives and I felt being all alone and just being dragged along by everything outside of myself.

I remember now that at home that everyone lived in their own little bubble – my dad would always sit in front of the tv being angry – my brother would be alone in his room being all depressed and I would almost never hear anything from him since he was in art school – my sister was being the happy intelligent good daughter – doing ballet – going to music school – being a good student at school that’s what her life seemed to be about – my mom seemed to be just trying to keep everything together and I was just being there and I was just in a total state of WTF

Lately when I have been doing self forgiveness on anger related to the past – I found that most of the anger came from confusion and not being able to understand – which I later turned into self judgment. In this ‘I don’t get it – I don’t understand – this doesn’t make sense’ state – I concluded : then it must be me – something is wrong with me.
But the core of this anger was me not being able to understand. Just a “WTF” state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry because because no one seemed to notice what I was experiencing – no one seemed to notice that I actually existed and that I actually felt something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt betrayed by my mother because I saw her as the one who put me in situations such as music school where I’d experience myself as shit – and I could not understand why she would deliberatly put me there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that I was the problem that I was the cause that there was something wrong with me for having to go through all of this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt abandoned because no one understood what I was experiencing or seemed to care about what I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at all and everything because it just didn’t make any sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my frustration having put myself down because I didn’t get it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realise that it was all just fucked big time – it wasn’t just me lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have postponed looking at this point because of all the self judgment that I had about this point – believing that if I would look into this I would find big filthy shit – but instead of realising that by looking into this point I am doing myself a favour – I am allowing myself to be intimate with me and I allow myself clarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied myself clarity because of fear of what I might find within this clarity – expecting and anticipating something terrible,horrible, bad

Getting them constructs out

2008-11-21T18:43:00.001+02:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my frustration, fear and anxiety unto the matrix as a system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined the matrix as ‘something out there’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that my mind is the actual matrix.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am actually frustrated, in fear and anxiety towards myself as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anger, frustration, fear and anxiety within me through believing or thinking that I am powerless in the face of the system as my mind of emotions and thoughts

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the ‘anger and resistance I experience towards the system’ is actually the anger, resistance, frustration towards me, because I have accepted and allowed this experience within me and I did not stop it

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stop what I accept and allow to exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed thoughts, feelings and emotions to fuck with me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be stable within self-trust – instead of crashing down every time I perceive I’m being questioned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear creating a time loop

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stick with my self trust because I fear I might be wrong and I fear creating a time loop and experiencing this all over again but then intensified

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear being wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes because I fear consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather ask others for direction instead of trusting myself because I fear being wrong/making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everyone outside of myself knows what is the “right thing to do”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather trust other people so when something goes wrong I can blame them and shift my responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not in the right position of trusting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed a rule for myself : that I am not able/allowed to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created rules and standards for myself by which I live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear that if I do trust myself and it turns out that I wrong that I will look back at myself in regret and judge myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because I fear other people their judgment and what they think of me if I’d trust myself when in the end it turns out to be a fuck up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes out of fear of judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself out of fear of judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take mistakes personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take judgment personally

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself because I would rather listen to other beings and do as they perceive to be fit instead of trusting myself because I immediately assume that they know best and that I am wrong and that it’s better to listen to others

Okaaay, I better dig deeper into that last one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed self trust within suppressing self expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated self trust from self expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied myself self trust within denying myself self expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live in accordance of my own true self as me here in self trust self honesty and self expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be courageous enough to trust myself unconditionally and within that express myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my self expression through the beliefs of what is right and wrong – what is acceptable and unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stopped trusting myself because my expression had been judged by family and school – and thus it felt not right for me to trust myself and express myself within trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare trusting myself because I fear that it will turn out being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself and expressing myself within self trust out of fear of being judged by other thus I hold back and rather do as others tell me or suggest me to do and trust them instead of myself because then at least I am safe from their judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that there is something wrong with my self expression and thus something wrong with my self trust within which I would express myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have told myself that I shouldn’t trust myself because I always turned out being judged by others so I believed it was not worth it and thus I compromised myself and others within this conditioning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now feel uncomfortable with trusting myself because I am unsure whether I should really trust myself because I might get judged again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an expectation and anticipation space within myself where I participate in 24/24 – the expectation/anticipation that I will get judged

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to drop my personality as the opinion that was placed unto me as a kid – and live my own true self in self trust self honesty and self expression – to honour me to live me unconditionally HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined it as “not right” to trust myself because of the belief that if I trust myself I will just get hurt again – and thus I would rather do like everyone else because it is safe to be like everyone else it is safe to be a sheep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a sheep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a sheep as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a sheep is my only option

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a choice : the choice that I can choose to trust myself or to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that there is no choice within self trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can choose whether I trust myself or not lol

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by not trusting myself I am compromising myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop allowing myself to trust and express myself because of fear of being touched

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep questioning my self trust as being the right thing to do – and with every ‘opportunity’ I get I question – I doubt and I stop trusting myself – instead of standing – stable HERE – no matter what, trusting myself unconditionally – taking a stand within myself and sticking to it

I see and realise that I have created a construct where I am in the constant and continuous expectation/anticipation of being judged. This brings forth fear – anxiety and I keep holding myself back within this fear and anxiety – holding back on self expression and holding back on self trust.
I see that this construct originates from my childhood where I was judged extensively by everyone at home with whatever I did – and thus I see that those judgments were not for me to be taken personal.
I see that I have created the fear and the belief that I am able of doing something wrong/making a mistake (as expression being judged this would imply “wrong”/”mistake” for me)
I see that I have to take self-responsibility for this construct and let go of living in the constant fear and anxiety (anticipation and expectation) of getting judged but push through my fears and express and trust myself unconditionally HERE in every single moment of breath – to not allow this construct to limit me – control or influence me – but for me to stand within absolute self trust, self determination and self freedom of expressing myself unconditionally absolute in every moment of breath in total self honesty HERE – living and honouring me as life.
I stop self judgment.
I am patient and gentle with myself.
Self trust is allowed lol

21 days no smoking

2008-11-15T15:55:00.001+02:00

21 Days no Smoking

What I found interesting to note was that when I first decided to not smoke for 21 days (this was last Monday or so) was that it was very difficult and I just wanted a goddamn cigarette! So I smoked one lol. So I “fucked up” after an hour or something like that. What I saw then within my decision of not smoking for 21 days – was that I had made this decision from the starting point of directing myself through “not smoking for 21 days” and a way of ‘punishing’ myself for not having directed myself. Which is of course bullshit and kept wanting to smoke and then did so.

Then Wednesday I was smoking and I was looking inside myself and saw that I fucked because of my starting point not being clear. And I wanted to hide behind ‘because my starting point was not clear I am now allowed to smoke and I do not really have to do the 21 days’.

And I saw that that was unacceptable – I knew within myself that I have to do these 21 days eventually. And then in one single moment I killed my cigarette – walked to the most nearby trashcan in the street and threw away my tobacco and my papers away (there wasn’t much left of it anyway).

And that was cool because I felt the difference between who I was the first time I made the decision and who I was within making the same decision the second time. It was me stepping forth inside myself – me moving me. The experience was like uh – water starting to move by itself – from centre flowing outwards - without anything or anyone making it move – just moving by itself as an expression. I guess that’s how I would describe the experience of self movement. Which was quite cool haha.

And it’s cool cause I have no resistance whatsoever towards smoking cigarettes – sometimes my mind goes “hmm I’d enjoy a cig right now” but it’s just a thought and related to habits (for example: I’d smoke a cig after every meal) and then I breath – centre myself in my chest and move on. At first I reacted to people smoking around me but that’s because I expected myself to react and have all sorts of difficulties towards ‘not smoking’ lol.

What I also found is that I am simply not able to smoke a cigarette. It’s not an option – it’s ‘out of the question’ in a way. Because I cannot allow myself to accept and allow such a dishonesty to exist within me (as in not doing the 21 days and give in to the urge of smoking). And that is so cool – seeing within myself that I can do this and I will not allow myself to go there (smoking a cig).

That’s so nice.

Haha.

And it’s really easy hahahahahaha – I really expected it to be a struggle but instead it’s an expression.

Ponder ponder

2008-11-14T20:31:00.002+02:00

I've been working and pondering on why I go into the experience of fear and anxiety whenever I am around people.

Why do I feel threatend? Why do I go into a defense mode? What do I want to protect? Why do I take things personally? See everything as an attack?

I want to present an image and idea to people. And this idea/image gets threatend. It feels in danger. Why would I want to present an image of myself in the first place? Why not be me here - and just be me - show me. Why would I not want to simply be myself. Am I less than an image? Am I less than an idea? Am I really such a terrible person?

No!

Yet I believe myself to be bad - really really bad. Why else would I want to present an image that I know is not even real - is this image 'better' than who I really am? Is there something TERRIBLY WRONG with me that I have to present this image and keep it up as if my life depends on it? What bullshit.

Releasing

2008-11-13T17:20:00.002+02:00

MEMORY

This was in primary school I think.
I had cut alot of herbs and plants out from the garden and put them in a can of water and closed it. A friend of mine had told me that if you put a certain plant in a closed bottle of water for a night or two that you get this mix that you can use to put on plants cause it kills the little bugs that eat the plants.

So I was like oooh cool, plants and herbs and shit. So I just took random plants (not even the ones my friend told would help hihi I just liked the idea of doing stuff with plants so that’s what I did) and flowers and herbs and put them in this can thing and put a lid on it. Because I knew that my mom would find it ridiculous that I was doing this and silly I hid the can in my trashcan in my room, underneath some old newspapers and stuff.

Then a few days later I am sitting in the living room doing some stuff and I hear my mom talking to my brother. I know they are looking at me and I can hear them but they don’t know that. My mom then starts to tell my brother how she found this can filled with water and plants and shit in my trashcan and how she was surprised to find it cause she thought it was silly and stupid and assumed that I had stopped “being a little baby” and they both laughed.

I felt really angry – I did not understand what was wrong with me doing shit like that. And I was amazed that my mom had found the can in my trashcan. So I then went upstairs with tears in my eyes still being very angry.

Then I took the bottle and just threw everything away while crying and judging myself for having been so “silly” and like “ a baby”.

I then wanted to appear strong and suppressed the experience because I did not want anyone to know that I was hurt – and I decided that I would never share anything with anyone cause all everyone does is judge and I end up feeling hurt.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally when my mother judged my expression as in doing stuff with plants and shared her judgment with my brother who agreed with her and laughed along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt betrayed by my mother because she judged what I did and shared it with my brother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt as if I had been stabbed in my back because they were judging me behind my back and laughing about me as if I am a ridiculous little baby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally when my mother said that she had assumed that I stopped being ‘a baby’ a long time ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my mother said that I wasn’t acting my age

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my mother ridiculed my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when my brother ridiculed my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become angry within myself but not do anything as I perceived my mother and my brother to be authority and I could not say anything to them – because of the belief that it is useless to express yourself towards authority as they will just wave you away as if you’re an annoying little fly and not listen and not take you serious

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have said anything to them because I perceived myself as small and them as big (adults) and that there was no use in saying something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen myself as powerless towards my mother and brother simply because they are adults and kids have to obey adults cause they are always right and know everything better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn against myself and be angry towards myself because ‘look what I did – doing stupid silly stuff like that – stupid me – of course they are all laughing at me I’m just stupid silly and ridiculous’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to the mind and self judgment by the physical act of just throwing everything away saying to myself that I’m just silly and that I just stop doing stuff like that cause it is seen as ridiculous – and if mom and brother say that it’s ridiculous then it must be so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that it is just not worth it and that I might as well just throw everything away and “adapt” myself and ‘get over’ myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that there was something wrong with me because I could not understand why I was being ridiculous and then just assumed that it had to do with me and it was my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made my moms judgment my own

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my mom was simply revealing the judgments existent within her due to acceptances and allowances within herself – me simply reflecting this – but it had nothing to do with me personally

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have stood up within myself when I heard my mom judge my expression and not allow her judgment affect me in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have stopped expressing myself unconditionally out of the fear of being ridiculed and feeling hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is simply not worth it to express myself if I just get ridiculed and laughed away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being ridiculed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being laughed with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being humiliated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression out of fear of being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my self expression because I did not want others to know that there was something wrong with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prented that I don’t care and present myself as strong and stable while I am unstable within myself and feel vulnerable – ready to get hurt and cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something wrong and then being laughed at

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when beings laugh with what I say or do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather do things on my own because I fear what other beings might say about it and what they think of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself unconditionally because I fear getting hurt again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that when standing within vulnerability absolute that I cannot get hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put myself down after hearing what my mom said about what I did – seeing myself as ridiculous and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged and defined myself as ridiculous and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given in to self defeat by throwing away the content of the can in the toilet – in total anger and sadness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to the mind in the moment that I threw away the content of the can in the toilet – acting according to perceptions of the mind instead of directing myself here in breath in self honesty – not allowing myself to be directed by the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed limitation within me the moment I threw away the content of the can in the toilet – instead of standing up within me not allowing myself to be controlled or influenced by the reactions of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the end of my unconditional self expression within myself within the act of throwing away the content of the can in the toilet – deciding in that moment that I will never do such a thing again and that I will from now on act according to how people expect me to act – do as they do – because I feared judgment and I did not want anyone to get to me anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have then started controlling my expression in such a way that I made sure that I did not say anything wrong or off the hook so that no one would judge me and made sure I was not vulnerable so that I couldn’t be touched by anyone – hurt by anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have replaced my unconditional self expression with control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out of fear of judgment and how people might react to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself thinking “oh god you did it again” when I said something and people had to laugh and I felt ridiculed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret beings laughing when I say something as me being ridiculous

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be on my guard because I fear saying something wrong – I fear making a mistake

I see that when beings react to something that I say or do that it is THEIR reaction and that it has got nothing to do with me personally.
Thus I do no longer accept and allow myself to be influenced, controlled and directed by the reactions, opinions of others.
I take into consideration what beings express – but I do not take it personally.
If I move within myself (reaction) I stop – I breathe and see that it has got nothing to do with me personally – and I let go.

I do not allow myself to go into self judgment – and putting myself down.

I do no longer accept and allow myself to “live” and be stuck within constructs of the past. I do no longer accept and allow myself to hold back and suppress my expression out of fear what others might think etc.
I do not allow and accept myself to hold back out of fear of being humiliated or embarrassed – how can I be humiliated and embarrassed if I am simply just here, how can something outside of myself have power over me or affect me? It cannot – unless I allow it – give it permission to affect me

I allow myself to live.

2008-11-11T21:39:00.002+02:00

expression is here - in the moment as a statement of yourself
you are clear and there is no reason involved - there is no desire for a specific outcome or result - if so --> starting point is not clear and you are being directed by the mind

a directive expression is here - clear - no second thoughts - no doubts - you stand as your expression and you walk

mind fucks

2008-11-11T21:29:00.002+02:00

funny how I see things but then rely on my thoughts and get confused

And within my confusion I then go ask for assitance - then I interpret the assistance with my mind and fuck myself over some more
- creating an entire mindfuck to then find out I already saw the point in the beginning but I didn't dare to trust myself and to actually stand

Food

2008-11-11T15:55:00.001+02:00

Food

Whenever I chew on something that I dislike (mostly vegetables) I get this puking spasm coming up from my stomach.
This has been so for as long as I can remember - it got better though since I got back from SA (I only noticed it at home that I was able to chew on food where I would usually react with those spasms but there was no reaction).

Where does this reaction originate from? Childhood - duh lol

When I was little I was forced to eat everything on my plate - I had to sit at the table till I ate everything and if I didn't my father would get reaaally mad - so then I just swallowed it quickly with a lot of water because I did not want to make a scene by puking and getting my father even more angry.

Emotions and feelings attached to this kind of events --> fear, anxiety and petrification

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feelings of fear, anxiety and petrification to eating food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached the feelings of fear, anxiety and petrification to food that I dislike

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself for disliking certain foods because my father would get angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in disgust when seeing the picture presentation of food that I linked to disgust due to my father getting angry at me when I did not eat that specific food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to enjoy eating all sorts of food because I defined some foods to be disgusting because I disliked them when I was little and then was forced to eat it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already expect that I will get puke spasms when I see specific food lying in my plate because I link it to past events where I refused to eat the food and then got forced to eat it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the food I eat as me and while I eat transcend the ideas that I have about that particular kind of food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my perception and ideas about food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past memories and events

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to correct this puking spasm because I believe that I am less than it and that it is more and stronger than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do anything about my puking spasms with regards to food because I perceived myself as being powerless and helpless towards my father when he got angry and forced me to eat all my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abused myself as my human physical body by drinking tons of water just to get the food in my stomach without having to chew on it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submit myself to my fear of my father beating me up and thus I rather do what he says and get the food down my throat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personally that my father got angry at me for not eating all my food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself that my fother got angry due to acceptanced and allowances within himself that he was acting out on me - but it had nothing to do with me personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with this puking spasms for having submitted myself to the mind - as a reminder that I am a bad person because I did not eat my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as a terrible kid because I did not eat all of my food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself for being "a difficult kid with food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself everytime we would go eat somewhere and I did not like the food but forced myself to eat it and suppress the puking spasms because I was afraid what other people might think of me if they knew how much food I do not like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as someone who is difficult with regards to food

Memory pops up :

In primary school I had to eat at school - and this one time I refused to eat my food and the principal was there - she was a women and she then put all the food one by one in my mouth and I had to chew it. I felt so embarrassed.

Later when we got our bulletins with our grades she said my grades were great but she then made a comment about me and the food thing and the entire class started laughing. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and embarrassed that I have problems with food and want to keep it hidden from everyone because I am afraid they will all laugh at me and that I will feel terrible about myself - yet again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself everytime I get face to face with food that I dislike or when people make comments on how I do not like a lot of food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get uncomfortable when people make comments about the food I eat (or rather not eat)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to my 'problem' with food

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk through this point till it is done - not accepting anything less

Practically applying and moving through the God of Man docs

2008-11-03T17:53:00.000+02:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless towards everything and everyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have built and created the perception that I am powerless towards everything and everyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as powerless in this world

Where does this perception/idea originate from?

It originates from my childhood experiences where I experienced myself to be powerless towards my parents – especially my father.
They were/are my authority figures and I must obey/submit to them and do as I am told – I as a kid have no “power” to defend myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have victimized myself by running off crying every time I was confronted with angry parents imprinting fear into me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the habit of going off and cry somewhere on my own every time that my status of inferiority and powerlessness was confirmed by doing what my parents tell me to do – out of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a victim towards my parents and the control they practice on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as powerless when confronted with someone that presents himself as authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my parents as authority – and in that define myself as a victim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear within myself – the fear of being hurt by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the fear within myself – the fear that me as a victim will be confirmed again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the fear within myself – the fear of being faced with self-defeat once more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my hate unto my father for showing me what exists within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project love unto my mother because she helps me with suppressing what exists within and as me – so I do not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manifested a protection-mechanism within me where I go to ‘others’ looking for comfort and soothing in order to suppress the emotional and feeling turmoil existent within myself – looking for the complete opposite. So I can feel safe and secure and forget about what happened and how I reacted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the experience of emotional and feeling turmoil within me through, as and within anger – to deal with it and keep it all in – creating a perception for myself and others that I am alright – that I am okay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed myself through anger because I perceived anger to be more ‘stable and strong’ than the emotional, feeling turmoil which I perceived as ‘weak’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seemingly balance myself by reaching out for polarity opposites while I am actually suppressing what I am experiencing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined anger as “strong and stable” as “strength”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defines strength as suppressing the weakness within myself as emotion/feeling turmoil through anger that is perceived as ‘strength’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined emotions and feelings as ‘weak’

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to define weakness as the acceptance and allowance of remaining within emotional/feeling turmoil manifested as crying due to an event/experience that had taken place with others and having others see this existence of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge myself in anger because I refuse to see myself as weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in anger because I do not want to experience myself as weak – and because I do not want to be seen as weak by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have build and created a protection-mechanism where I use anger – that is perceived as ‘strong’ – to suppress the emotional/feeling turmoil – perceived as weak – to protect myself by not experiencing the ‘weak’ as what I actually exist as, while protecting myself from others through manifesting myself as the perception of ‘strength’, presenting to others the illusion of ‘not being affected by the experience of even or by those who participated in it.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have build/created a protection mechanism where I act out – using the emotional/feeling turmoil and physically express what is experienced within me through doing the exact same thing to another, herein protecting myself from the perspective of ‘not giving in to the authority of others’ and protecting myself from others from the perspective of revealing/showing that: If you hurt me, I’ll hurt you and even more so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the perception that “standing up” means “doing to another what was done unto me” – taking revenge towards another

To which persons or events do I currently still react the same way?
Towards my parents, especially my fatherTowards beings that have an apparent position, for instance teachers, bosses
In a situation where I get hurt physically for no “logic” reason
In situations where something happens all of a sudden and I do not know what is going on and then I take it personally and think it is maybe my fault
Towards beings that express anger.

What do I do with myself when the emotions suddenly start surging up inside me as a volcano erupting as a ‘more explosive surge of emotions/feelings rising up within you’ or as a ‘storm brewing’ as a more ‘subtle’ movement of emotions/feelings culminating within you?
I first try to make sure that no one notices what I am experiencing because I do not want to be seen as weak and I try to contain and suppress the emotions within me from the moment that I am aware of them – I will try to act normal and smile and joke - then I’ll try to get away ASAP and find a place where I can be alone and just cry – seemingly not knowing why I am crying – but the feeling of being a victim is very much present then. The entire experience of the reaction comes over as being irrational and feels “ancient” in a way.

After the crying or during the crying I want no one to see me – and if someone sees me I will try to look for comfort. Or when someone comforts me without even knowing it I have the feeling to cry again.

This entire experience results in anger due to extensive suppression and self judgment – taking the entire event personally.

And then this anger I suppress as well – since I accepted this experience as a part of my self definition – not seeing the option of change.
à beliefsystem about myself and others which keeps replaying over and over throughout my life as “the way it is”

Untangling live memory

Memory:I am lying in my bed and I can hear my father coming up the stairs. He is quite heavy so you can hear him come loud and clearly. I know I am in trouble because I haven’t cleaned up my room like my mom told me to.
My heart beats really hard and fast – I feel like peeing my PJ pants.

He comes in and starts screaming in French. He talks about my mom, obeying, cleaning up room. He then drags me out of bed. I am petrified and just lie on the floor crying. He starts to kick my in my belly with his legs. I just take the entire experience and believe that there is nothing I can do but just endure it – after all the moment will pass.

After that I cry in my bed – my mom reacts to the crying and comes in to comfort me. She keeps me in a hug position, strokes my hair and goes “shhhhhhhh, it’s okaay”
Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately start crying when my father came into my room all angry and screaming and beating me up – instead of standing up breathing and not accepting and allowing myself to take what was done unto me personally – but realising what he was doing it due to acceptances and allowances within himself and had nothing to do with me personally.

(Within self forgiveness à specificity = bring experience here, add realisation/insight, add as self corrective application à completeness of SF)

Practical Corrective Application in the Moment of the experience:
Breathe, stand up and not accept or allow myself to give into emotions and feelings as taking the event personally.

The realisation/insight of the Practical Corrective Application:
He is not doing it to me personally. He is merely exerting what exists of and within himself towards me that is actually himself one and equal.

Back to the memory – the physical act:
Being petrified – lying still – taking the beat – crying

Questions: What did I experience within me, that caused me to start crying during but mostly after my father beat me?

I experienced a tornado inside me of feelings and emotions – mostly absolute fear – within the moment that I am faced with my angry father – and this then gets intensified with me experiencing physical pain as he beats me. As if it confirms my fear.

What is the accepted and allowed act within me – that manifested the expressed act of crying?

It was ‘giving into’ the emotions/feelings that I experienced in that moment within me, ‘giving in to’ was me accepting and allowing the emotions/feelings to ‘take over’ and because of this act of ‘giving in to’ emotions/feelings, I manifested the expression of and as Crying.

A complete take over and possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the emotions and feelings existent within me; of me and as me such as fear, petrification and anxiety – in the moment when my father beat me up through kicking his legs into my belly that manifested the expressed act of me as Crying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the emotions/feelings such as fear, petrification and anxiety within me, of me and as me to ‘take over’ and posses me the moment I was beaten up by my father through him kicking me in my belly with his legs which manifested the expressed act of me as Crying.

Identifying the nature of the physical action taken

Questions:

1) What did I experience within me, that caused me to start crying during but mostly after my father beat me?

2) What is the accepted and allowed act within me – that manifested the expressed act of crying?

3) What did the other represent within their physical act of beating me up?
Treating me as ‘less then him’, making himself ‘more than me’ or ‘stronger than me’. Therefore, he represented: AUTHORITY

4) How did I experience myself within the representation of my father as ‘authority’, which he represented through his physical act of beating me up?
I experienced myself as being “belittled”, because I perceived him to be ‘more stronger than me’ because he had the ability to beat me up.I experienced me as being ‘hurt’, ‘harmed’ and ‘abused’ by him.

5) How did I confirm this experience of myself within, to myself?
Through the Act of Crying

6) What Polarity Construct was ‘playing out’ in this event?
Me, as the ‘powerless victim’ being ‘abused/harmed’ by those who establish their ‘authority as power’ to/towards me.

ASSESSMENT

I experienced myself as ‘powerless’ within the presence of my father that through acts/words established his authority over/of me, that’s why I ended up crying in my bed, because I felt that I couldn’t do anything, because he was stronger than me.
I experience myself as the ‘victim’ when such a being causes me “physical pain/hurt’ as ‘abuse’ being done unto me, because there was no ‘reason’ for it and I couldn’t ‘defend’ myself.

Self Forgiveness from/of the Questions and responses:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being ‘belittled’ by and through my father that beat me up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my father as more than me and see myself as less than him, which is why I experienced myself as being “belittled”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as “less than him”, because he managed to beat me up and hurt me physically and therefore why I experienced him as “more strong than me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I perceived him to be “stronger than me” and “more than me”, that little’ol me couldn’t stand up, but rather cry in bed, confirming the “less than” and “belittlement” experience existent within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the powerless victim in the presence of those I perceive as authority/power based on what they express towards me.

Self Forgiveness from/of the ASSESSMENT

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as ‘powerless’ within the presence of those that through their acts/words establish their authority over/of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘cry in my bed’ – because I believed I couldn’t do anything – I believed I couldn’t stand up within me – because of the accepted and allowed belief that he was stronger/more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the ‘victim’ when my father caused me physical pain through beating me up , and because of the physical pain, experienced myself as the victim,’being abused by another’.

Tracing and Identifying the manifested ‘protection-mechanism’ – through identifying the Physical Action taken after the event the Jack-in-The-Box Memory revealed

Questions:

What did I do with myself after the event occurred?
I went back into my bed and put the warm sheets over me, crawling up like a little baby. My mom then came to me to comfort me. I held her tight and she held me, stroked me and said “Shhhhh, it’s okaay”

Why did I end up crying in my bed?
I went into my bed and cry because I did not know how to handle or deal with the situation. I then let my mom comfort me because I assumed that if she sees how much I am confused and in pain – that she might be able to do something to prevent this from happening again – believing that she as a grown-up (=authority) has the power to do this (=prevent this from happening again).

What did my mom do when she saw me crying?
She held me, stroked me and said “Shhhhh, it’s okaay”. She did this with the intention of easing my pain. She showed me that she cared. She stayed with me till I stopped crying and calmed down and be silent. Then she left me alone to sleep in my silence.

What did I experience within me when I was with my mom according to her specific expression towards me?
I experienced comfort as she held me tight in her arms.
I experienced safety.
I experienced care
I experienced myself as being protected

ASSESSMENT
I allowed my mom to come into my bed to comfort me because I did not know how to deal or handle the situation at that moment and believed that my mother would know how to handle and help me with how I experienced myself – and prevent a situation like this from happening again. She held me tight and caressed me, stroked my hair saying “Shhhh, it’s okaay”. I felt safe, protected and being cared of. After awhile I felt calm and silent and fell asleep as if it was all just a bad dream.

Observing the actual nature of the entire experience

Questions:

What does me allowing my mom to comfort me and be with me from the perception/belief that she will know how to handle/deal with the situation/event, reveal about myself?
That I have a belief that I am not able to deal with or handle such a situation/event for myself, by myself – but would rather trust others and rely on them to figure it out – instead of assisting and supporting myself in such events/situations.

What does ‘feeling better’ only after I received comfort, soothing and care from my mother – reveal about myself?
That I need comfort, care and soothing from someone/ a source outside of myself in order to be able to deal with or handle the emotional/feeling turmoil experienced within me, after a conflicting/confrontational event.

What does the act of me allowed my mom to comfort, care and soothing me, reveal about the nature of me?
That I need comfort, care and soothing from others to only then ‘feel better’ within myself – about myself – because only then the ‘emotional/feeling’ turmoil within myself ‘goes away’, and therefore, I will allow others to come to me and give me comfort, care and soothing through physical acts of ‘holding me in their arms’ – because I know that only then, the emotional/feeling trauma ‘goes away’ (=suppressed).

What is actually really happening within me – when the emotional/feeling turmoil ‘goes away’ only after receiving comfort, care and soothing through physically being held with concerned soft words from my parents? Was I really ‘dealing’ with the even that had occurred?
No – I was not dealing with the even occurred. I suppressed it – pushed it away inside of me until I could not ‘see’ it anymore. The emotional/feeling turmoil is suppressed by replacing it with the experience I receive through physical acts as being held in my mom’s arms, through which I experience comfort/care/soothing, which ‘replace’ the ‘inner turmoil of emotions/feeling’ within à An outside physical experience, replacing the inside turmoil experienced within.Therefore, my attention is being ‘diverted’ from what I experience within, to what I’m now without.

ASSESSMENT
I have a beliefsystem about myself that I am not able to handle or deal with situations/events where I experience emotional/feeling turmoil inside of me – thus I allow others to come to me – because I believe that this other CAN , and has the power to help me handle my experience and prevent such a situation/event from happening again. When I am experiencing emotional/feeling turmoil inside of myself I believe that I have no ‘control’ over it – and that the only cure of me feeling better and silent within myself is through allowing another to sooth, comfort and care about me through physical acts such as holding me in their arms, touching and speaking words that calm me down.
I realise that I wasn’t actually dealing with the experience within myself – but just replaced one experience with a complete opposite. It is not really replaced – the first experience just gets pushed down and suppressed so that it seems that it is replaced but it is still there and it’s still not resolved.
I realise that I seek and search or wait for ‘help’ from others as an attempt to deal with an experience within myself and my world, but what actually happens is me suppressing what is experienced within myself through the receiving of help from others – instead of me standing up in and as me here and directing me one and equal to and as the moment.
Therefore, I will go to others or wait for them to come to me to suppress the experience both within and without – and this is how I “deal with” situations/experiences/events I believe I can’t handle or deal with directly one and equal here in self-honesty.
I realise that the experience of me receiving comfort, care and soothing from another is actually only diverting my attention from what is experienced within me, therefore it is suppressed within and replaced with a polarity opposite physical experience without.

The ‘Protection-Mechanism’ I exist as and ‘live out’:
In conflicting/confrontational events, I make sure I am alone and cry and wait for others to come and comfort me – because I seek protection and safety from others, within which I am comforted and soothed, protecting me from myself to not experience the emotional/feeling turmoil within, because it is replaced with my perception of ‘love’ as receiving physical expressions I experience as ‘comfort’ and ‘care’ to suppress what exist within me, and at the same time ‘hide’ within other’s ‘protection’ and ‘safety’ to not have to face those that ‘caused’ the experience within me and my world – not taking self responsibility and not directing myself - but hide and suppress.

Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others such as my mom to come and ‘help’ me with what I experience within me and my world, because I believed that I wasn’t capable or able to ‘handle’/’deal with’ or ‘direct’ the situation as me here as the moment one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘look for’ and ‘seek’ for comfort, soothing and care from others – because I believe that this is the only way to ‘deal with’ or ‘handle’/’direct’ the experience within myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise, that I wasn’t actually really ‘dealing with’ or ‘handling’ the experience within myself through ‘waiting for others for help’ to suppress such experienced within me and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a polarity system within me and as me and my world by/through suppressing what I experience within me as emotional/feeling turmoil through replacing it, in diverting my attention to physical-expressions I receive from others as comfort/care and soothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘love’ as receiving physical expressed actions from others as ‘comfort’/’care’ and soothing such as being held, hugged or caressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a ‘Protection-Mechanism’ as me as ‘waiting for others for help and comfort’ to protect me from myself through suppression and hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep repeating this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to confirm and support the self-definition I have given myself -enhancing this self-definition every time such an event occurs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to be a part of me as the self-definition I have accepted and allowed to live as – repeating the scenario of this ‘Protection-Mechanism’ to confirm my self-definition to myself and others – as ‘who I am’ – based on past experiences and memories through which I defined myself as.

Pulling through the Jack-In-The-Box revealed construct to current time and how it still influences and affects me

Question One of Step Two: The Nature of the Physical Action:
Who and What within my world currently represents an ‘authoritative-stance’ towards whom I experience myself as ‘less than,’‘not considered,’ ‘taken for granted’ and their physical expressions of words or mannerism/behaviour causing the emotional/feeling turmoil within me, manifesting the belief of me being ‘hurt’ by them, which manifests the experience of me as being the ‘powerless victim?

I project authority unto everything and everyone. The powerless victim has become my self definition through which I live every single moment.

Question Two of Step One: The Physical Action:
Towards whom/what in my world, do I very quickly, almost instantaneously/automatically – react towards within myself, in either a ‘flurry of emotions/feelings’ within which I start crying immediately with emotions, feeling suddenly, immediately, automatically rising up within me?
Towards my parents, especially my fatherTowards beings that have an apparent position, for instance teachers, bosses
In a situation where I get hurt physically for no “logic” reason
In situations where something happens all of a sudden and I do not know what is going on and then I take it personally and think it is maybe my fault
Towards beings that express anger.
Towards beings that yell/scream.

Mergence of Questions One and Two:
Towards whom/what within my world that in a moment of an conflicting/
confrontational situation, do I experience myself as ‘the powerless victim
being abused’ by that which represents ‘authority’ which causes me to almost
immediately, instantaneously, automatically react towards within myself in
emotions feelings that suddenly, ‘seemingly out of nowhere’ automatically
‘surge up’ inside myself?

Towards basically everyone – but with the beings mentioned in Question Two of Step One : The Physical action – it is intensified.

Question Three of Step Three: The Physical Action taken After the Event
occurred:
How do I deal with or handle sudden surges of emotional/feeling turmoil within me, when I’m faced with confrontation/conflict with another?

I try to get away asap – without showing others what I am experiencing. Once I am alone I allow myself to cry and in that confirm that I am a powerless victim. I take the event/confrontation personal and turn into self-judgment. I then suppress this experience within myself which results into anger – that compounds every time such an event occurs.

The Final Step : Identifying the Behavioural Conditioning’ as manifested physical habit that I exist as

With whom/what particular being/environment that represents an ‘authoritative-stance’ within which I experience yourself as the ‘powerless victim’ ‘without choice or right’ believing myself to be ‘disregarded,’ ‘inferiorized’ as the experience of being ‘hurt’ which causes an automatic, sudden, immediate surge of explosive/culminating emotions/feelings within
me – which manifests, for example, the ‘protection-mechanism’ wherein I ‘hide and accept the self-definition of powerless victim as myself – resulting in anger?

Whenever I am being faced with a being I place myself as inferior and the other as superior instantaneously. I believe that I have no right to speak and that the other that represents authority knows it all. I believe that I am doomed to submit myself and that I do not have to right to express myself or share my perspectives. I attempt to do everything to not get the other being angry or question me – I do everything to avoid conflict. Because I know that once there is conflict I will feel this emotional/feeling turmoil again inside myself – and I will feel like the powerless victim. And I do not want to experience this thus I stay low as my inferior placement that I placed upon myself – in order to avoid conflict – in order to not face myself as the self-defined self accepted and allowed beliefsystem that I have about myself – the self-definition I gave myself and accepted myself as and through which I live. Because I do not want to face myself and I do not want to take self-responsibility.

If conflict does occur – I totally freeze within myself as the emotional/feeling turmoil surges up inside of me. I wait for the right moment that I can leave and go cry on my own feeling all powerless, helpless and hopeless – the victim. I then get tired of this and get really angry. Then I suppress all of this – feel calm again and go on with my life – still going through my life every moment through the self-definition I accepted myself as – as who and what I am.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define every single being outside of myself as ‘authority’ as ‘power’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define every single being outside of myself as the ‘authoritative power’ in and as my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the ‘powerless victim’ when facing other beings in a conflicting/confrontational situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a ‘powerless victim’ towards the definition I have formed of others as being the “authoritative power”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘go into’ immediate instantaneous and automatic emotional/feeling turmoil the moment I experience another acting out their ‘authoritative power’, which makes me experience myself as the ‘powerless victim’, because of my experienced reactions of surging emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s the other one’s fault and that the other is to blame and the problem which cause the emotional/feeling turmoil that surge up within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise, that the emotional/feeling surging coming up suddenly, automatically – only exists because of the perception of me as being the ‘powerless victim’ and the perception I have formed of the other as an ‘authoritative-figure’ as the polarity opposite of what I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘standing up’ and ‘not accepting being treated the way I am’ – is me secluding me in isolation and just being angry – resisting the entire event - instead of taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise – that if I attempt to fight against something, I create resistance and in that resistance, I will ‘lose’, because I am making the statement that ‘I need to fight against that which I believe is more then me’,’having power over me’ – against which I will lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘play the game’ of ‘win/lose’ within myself in the manifested participation of me in a conflicting/confrontational situatuon/event, which in essence is a game of ‘win/lose’ as a game of ‘inferiority/superiority’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantaneously place myself as inferior when being faced with another being – and within that place the other as superior – seeing the other as authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no right to speak within the perception that the other is superior to me and represents authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately assume that the other beings knows best – knows it all – when I am faced with another being and I place myself as inferior towards this being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior towards another when being faced with another being – believing that I am doomed to submit myself to this other being and that I do not have the right to express myself and/or share my perspectives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place mysef as inferior instantaneously when being faced with another being because I want to make sure that I do not create conflict – and I believe that by placing myself as inferior I will not trigger anything in the other being and thus be able to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior instantaneously because I fear the emotional/feeling turmoil that I might experience if conflict occurs – in placing myself as inferior I believe that I have less chance of triggering something in the other being – believing that I am not challenging the other being as superiority and thus am able to avoid conflict because I want to avoid the emotional/feeling turmoil within myself that will surge up if conflict occurs – and I want to avoid feeling like an angry hopeless, powerless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist the experience of emotional/feeling turmoil within myself because I do not want to be faced with myself as the self definition of an angry, helpless powerless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist being faced with myself as the self definition of an angry, helpless, powerless victim because I fear and do not dare to take self-responsibility and self-directive action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze in petrification within myself as the emotional/feeling turmoil surges up inside me because of conflict – because I am now being faced with myself as the self-definition of myself and that’s which I fear and when faced with this I stand in total petrification, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait within this event of conflict for the right moment to leave while I do not show what (or try my best not to show) what is going on inside me – running away from myself within this –stating that I cannot handle this – stating that I am not able to deal with this through the physical act of walking away from the event which I already invited within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the right moment within a conflict event to go away to then be on my own where no one can see and hear me to cry and within the crying confirm my own self definition of that as a powerless, helpless victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the event that happened personally.

I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to believe that I am the cause of the event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I was not able to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a loser when conflict does occur.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the event has got nothing to do with me personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the cause of the event because I triggered something within another – and thus I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the other being within the position of authority as ‘untouchable’ and thus they cannot be to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in total anger within myself while crying and confirming my accepted self definition of that as a powerless, helpless victim – because I am not taking self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility and direct myself one and equal in self honesty instead of drowning in my self pity, drowning in my confirmed self definition as a powerless, helpless victim that it in anger but not practically doing anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress what I experience within the acceptance of my self-definition of a powerless, helpless victim – accepting this as my self definition, believing that I cannot change this since I am powerless – so I push it away where I do not have to feel or see it and then go on to live out my self definition.

Realisation points during weekend in Amsterdam

2008-11-02T23:03:00.000+02:00

Realisation points during weekend in Amsterdam

When me and Maite arrived at the Amsterdam Central Station it was weird first of all seeing Jozien with her kids – seeing Jozien as mom.

What was really scary was seeing myself as one of Jozien’s kids – Lulu – the youngest – and seeing Maite as Zina – the eldest.

Just in one moment I was already able to see the entire set-up between those two and what would happen to them if there wouldn’t be any intervention. They would end up just like me and Maite. Just the entire set-up and ‘position’ a being has within the family construct already has got a major impact on the development of a being’s self-definition.

So it was cool discussing that point and how we saw things and how we could see the course of things if there wouldn’t be any direct intervention.

Seeing Lulu was also a self-responsibility point for myself. Seeing that it is fucking unacceptable for a kid to be influenced by environment and family set-up.
Seeing Lulu play and eat – doing whatever – brought up a lot of memories and experiences within myself. Which was quiet cool.

You see yourself as another being physically manifested – and she is only one year old. It was so fucking cool that I had this opportunity to just sit there and observe myself as a one year old kid. It was fascinating – even if it was only for a few moments (they left soon to go to family during the weekend).

It was as if she was holding the key to breaking down my self-definition / beliefsystem that I have about myself. And I hold to key for Jozien to practically assist Lulu and in that hold the key for Lulu to “prevent” her from ending up like me.

Cause really, that’s such an unnecesarry experience hahahaha.

It was a pretty intense weekend – lots of points opened up.
Very cool.

Kids are awesome.

My experiences with money

2008-10-28T19:13:00.000+02:00

My experiences with money

When I was little my mom told me to save all my pocket money in a little bear. She said that once the bear was nice and full I could buy myself something nice. Woah, was I just excited to see the pile of little coins growing.

So every Sunday when I would get my pocket money I’d put it in the bear (his body was transparant till his chest) and I could see the pile get a bit bigger. I was so proud of myself putting those coins in there and seeing how it would grow.

Then one day, after saving looooooooooooooooooooong time , me and my mom counted the money and she decided that it was cool now for me to go and buy something.
I was so happy. I never had all the cool toys that my friends were used to so I was happy and hoping that I could get something nice like my friends had.

So this once day we go to this toy shop and I could go look around for something to buy for myself. I was amazed by all the pretty colours and all the shiny plastic things around me in the shop. Every time I pointed something out and yelled my mom “MOMMY MOMMY LOOK AT THIS!!!!!” she would simply go, no, too expensive, you don’t have that kind of money.

So everytime I would make sure if I pointed something out that it was cheaper than the thing I just pointed out but it would always still be too expensive – pfft, after a while the excitement was all gone.

Eventually I found this board where you can draw on with a little pen and the board could erase the drawings on it – it was like something magical. And my mom kept saying ‘Don’t you like drawing?? Yes you like drawing, buy this!!”.

I didn’t look as cool as all the other things. But my mom said it was from a good brand like me brother his little car and that it would last long – so that I had to buy it – and that it would be a good decision.
So I was like ok, I’ll buy this then.

Suddenly ALL my coins gone. But I was happy cause I had something for myself now. There were alse these pre-made pastic things that you could put in the board and then you had to follow the lines that were on them and then you’d get the drawing on the board.

But it got very boring after awhile. There was really nothing to it.

That’s my first experience with money that I can remember.

So what did my mom teach me:

Save your money
Buy something of a brand
Buy something that is not just fun but from which you can also learn (drawing)
Everything is expensive
You are limited by the amount of money you own.

Interesting – just now as I went downstairs to get my tobacco the memories of buying my guitars popped up.

Just like drawing – playing music is also good for your kids. You know, develop in their talents and shit.

I wanted to learn how to play guitar when I was a litle kid because I enjoyed music and it would make me cool.
My father and mother were happy that I wanted to learn how to play an instument – them being such good parents they bought me an accoustic guitar.

Well actually, I HAD to learn how to play an instrument. Already from when I was very very small I used to go music school and I would learn reading notes, and about melody and rhythm and we’d play flute.

Then when I was a bit older but still very young the lessons got more advanced and we had to write down the notes that our teacher was playing on the piano and the rhythm – and we also had to sing notes – brrrrrrrrrr.

I really hated that because it never worked out for me to sing in the class for everyone.
All of them were girls and had excellent voices and could sing very nice. And I was there because my parents had sent me there – not because I had talent.

I was always so embarrased when I had to sing infront of everyone – it was bloody painful.

But once I was out of there and alone – I could sing those notes just fine lol.

Anyway, I’m getting a bit off topic. At one point after a few years of music school you have to decide what instrument you want to learn. I actually wanted to play the harp but because it was bloody expensive I never mentioned it to my parents so I just said like yeah ok guitar then.
(they knew I was interested but they made sure I knew that buying a harp was very expensive)

Anyway at some point I stopped going to music school because I would almost piss my pants every time I’d enter those doors because of the “YOU HAVE TO PERFORM – pressure”.
I just couldn’t handle it so I cried and cried till it got through to my mom that this was not what I wanted to do.

Afterwards I learnt to play guitar by myself and then I actually had fun. I then started saving for an electric guitar which my parents approved because it is good for the development of your kid. When they decided that I had enough money I could buy one – and so I did.
Again all my money gone but I had my electric guitar.
That also got boring after awhile.
So then I thought that a bass guitar might be more fun – so I saved for that – bought one – same story.

Then I said fuck that saving thing there’s not anything that I can buy that’s gonna make me feel better or enjoy myself.

Soon after that my money would go to cigarettes haha. At least I enjoy those lol.

Buying cigarettes was then considered as bad because all my money would go to it every week and I would have nothing left but it was not like I needed money for anything else.
My parents always gave me very little pocket money and if I asked them why so little they would say :”Well you get everything you need from us so why need more.” That seemed like an acceptable answer at the time.

But it was just their way to make sure I was completely dependent on them.
That’s so evil. And I only saw this when it was “too late”.

When I was in highschool the question came up of maybe doing a student job during the holidays but I was like “wtf, you guys give me everything I need right, I don’t need the money – I’m glad it’s holidays I hate school why the fuck would I want to get a job? Holidays are there to have fun not to work”

So I never got myself a student job because there was no “why” involved – there was no reason why I should do it so I didn’t lol.
At that time it was already decided that I would go to university and study and that my parents would pay my studies. And that I’d get a job with my degree then.

But that plan didn’t really work out….

So now I still have no money because all my money goes to my cigarettes – the last time I saved money was for a pen and tablet to draw on computer – which I do enjoy and it’s the only thing I do not regret buying along with cigarettes.

I still only get enough money to pay for my cigarettes – I decided I do not want to study because there is nothing that interests me – so now the entire “plan” that was set up for me is fucked and I am stuck.

I never considered – and so did my parents – that maybe I might not end up studying – that maybe I would not follow the path they wanted me to follow.

And now that I made clear that I’m not going to do that. I’m pretty fucked concerning money.
Because I do not study my parents do not get child support money from the governement.
So they want me to get a job and pay them money.

And they still want me to go study – atleast my dad. So that is what I told him. He believes that I am going to study next year (the study costs 10 000 euros for 4 years omg) and he is willing to pay it.

See – the only reason I could go to SA was because I said to my father that I would get a job when I’d be back and study afterwards.
Else I wouldn’t have been allowed to go – and in my misery I would have ended up studying something random because if I do not do as he wants – he either kills me or I get kicked out and I have nowhere to go.

Basically my entire life I did not have to worry about money – and I did not have to work with money. Because it wasn’t necesarry for the path my parents had set out for me.
But now that I do not follow that path – I’m pretty fucked.

I am now basically home all day – I cannot go anywhere because it costs me money. If I ask my mom for money she says get a job. I can’t do anything because everything costs money. And the only reply I keep getting is “get a job”. Or “when you have a job you’re allowed to have this and that.”

And since I never worked in my life – and I went to an Art Highschool – my resumé looks pretty crappy. ( Art highschool doesn’t look good on a resumé in case you didn’t know – people then think you are a self centered ego person that cannot work)And I do not have many options as a job
So now I have been looking for a job and have some job interviews coming up.
At one point I had one – but it turned out I’d have to work my ass of for only 500 euros a month – from which I have to give 250 to my parents which leaves me with 250 euros.

And me being exhausted.

Sooo, yea

Bottom line

Money sucks

God of Man - e-book version

2008-10-28T15:23:00.000+02:00

God of Man - Upload a Document to Scribd

2008-10-26T22:34:00.000+02:00

going deeper into the inferiority - self defeat construct

Memories

When I was little and experienced sudden fear along with physical pain and feeling hurt - I wasn't able to handle and understand my experience and the situations I found myself in. I would then go into self-defeat and inferiority and just cry - not knowing what was actually going on.

For example: I was once kicked to the ground by some kid when I was in kindergarden - and the kid was much older than me - I would just cry - and in my inability to comprehend my experience go into self-defeat and inferiority.

A kid would throw a rock to my head for no reason and I would bleed, be in pain and just cry.

Someone would hit me and even if it did not hurt I would cry - just because of the shock going through my entire physical body.

Someone would scream to me and again the shock would go through me and I end up crying and feeling miserable about myself.

Whenever I experience this particular shock going through my human physical body - I react in self-defeat, inferiority - ultimatly in anger, frustration and suppression. But mostly anger.
Whenever I suddenly experience pain because an even that "doesn't make sense" I go into self-defeat and inferiority.

This has been very clear to me the last couple of months. Whenever I would I experience myself this way - all I could do is feel that it was something from my past that was deeply ingrained within and as me - that was still playing out as a habitual reaction.

This has then become a natural reactions that I accepted as myself, as the only possible way I could experience myself within such experiences/situations.

Thanks to the God of Man series I was able to specificly pinpoint the experiences and now I can sort them out.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into self defeat and inferiority whenever I experience myself within a situation where I feel hurt and am not able to comprehend the situation - why it happend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to my mind as self defeat and inferiority whenever I experience something that I do not understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self defeat and inferiority as my only option when confronted with situations that I do not know how to handle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self-defeat and inferiority as my only option whenever I feel hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self-defeat and inferiority as my only option whenever I am hurt physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of self-defeat and inferiority as my only option whenever I am confronted with someone that express anger and directs it towards me - which I then take personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take events personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invite events into myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediatly take events personal - as a natural reaction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise and see that taking events personal is NOT natural.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive, taking events personal as my only option - as the only possible response I can give.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to break the chain of reaction of taking things personal within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take everything that happens "to me" as personal.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that events to do not happen TO ME. They just happen - it is up to me if I let them in or not.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to breathe through situations that I do not undertstand - but instead just tumble and fall into the mind as my saviour - into a reaction that I am used to and familiar with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel familiar with the experience of self defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel familiar with the experience of inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather go with the flow of chain of reactions that I am familiar with - getting dragged along through and by the reactions - instead of stopping for a moment and see that I am here - and that I am able to direct myself as the experience of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self-defeat and inferiority be a part of my everyday experience.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to stop and actually see what was really going on.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question my every day experience of myself - but accept it as normal - accept it as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted the experience of inferiority as normal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted the experience of self-defeat as normal.

IT IS NOT NORMAL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted inferiority as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted self-defeat as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the past for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refused looking at my past and its influences it is currently still having on me - because I believed it to be too painful and too much for me.
While all along I was just experiencing myself the same way as I used to - I just didn't want to be reminded of the fact that I was accepting it's continuation - and doing nothing about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have denied self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bullshit myself with ideas, perceptions, excuses and justifications.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'busted'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start doing weird stuff with my mouth - as if I am not wanting to admit this.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to admit my own stupidity and lack of self-movement and self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to admit that I have been wasting my time big tme.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have difficulty to admit that I have been waiting for nothing - I could have just directed myself long time ago - but no, I decided to wait - I decided self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a little kid that has been caught on doing something bad and is now being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I disgraced myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I dishonoured myself.

Because that's what I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have disgraced myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonour myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been bullshitting around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be event driven.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my self-directiveness away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given myself away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to point out my shit so I could work on it - while I could see my shit myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for confirmation of my shit before I work on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for others to direct me instead of directing myself and taking self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be guided around like a little puppet.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on others to direct me while I clearly know that I am perfectly able to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't acceped and allowed myself to direct myself out of fear of fucking up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been blind to my self-acceptance and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not be able to stand in the face of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have already decided that I will not be able to stand in the face of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have already giving up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go already go for self-defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already give in to self-imposed inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already decide that my self imposed limitations will rule over me.

I STOP

TILL HERE NO FURTHER

I DO NOT ACCEPT AND ALLOW THIS BULLSHIT

I STAND WITHIN SELF TRUST

I TRUST MYSELF

I AM COURAGE

I DIRECT MYSELF

I TAKE SELF RESPONSIBILTY

I DO NOT LONGER ACCEPT AND ALLOW MYSELF TO BULLSHIT MYSELF AND DISHONOUR MYSELF.

I STAND

inferiority - self defeat

2008-10-26T21:28:00.000+02:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project authority on everyone around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project authority on everyone around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everyone around me as authorotive figures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose inferiority unto myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everyone as more than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe in my self imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel comfortable in my self imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind self imposed inferiority because I do not take self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given into self-defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted self-defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience system people as superior and frightning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as inferior in the presence of other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no authority whatsoever and that I am not allowed to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards people that are effective in the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as inferior because I am not effective in the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become used to the experience of inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become used to experiencing everyone as superior and authorotive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my everyday experience for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay in my self-imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as self-defeat

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to consider standing up from within this self-defeat

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to consider changing my experience within self-defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the construct of self-defeat personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let self-defeat be a part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by self-defeat

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be aware of moments of self-imposed inferiority and stand up within myself from that point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to my minds reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to perceptions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to ideas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to the mind in moments where I feel like I cannot handle a situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go for the mind in moments where my self trust is tested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my good old mind instead of myself here in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather trust my mind as what I am used to and act according to memories and experiences of the past instead of directing myself HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather go into habitual reactions instead of trusting myself here and act accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the experience of inferiority become a habitual experience

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to stand up from inferiority

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to consider changing my experience within inferiority

I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to take myself for granted

I forgive myself tha tI have accepted and allowed myself to take my self direction for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my creativeness for granted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a zombie within the matrix

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is easier to sit within my self imposed inferiority instead of taking self responsibility and directing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted self-imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the idea that I am inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if inferiority is who and what I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let inferiority be a part of my self definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken self-imposed inferiority for granted - while it was always obvious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to the ideas that I have about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to the perceptions I have about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to the self definition I gave myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to give up my self-imposed inferiority - I wouldn't be ME anymore

duh , that's the whole fucking point lolol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by giving up and letting go of my self imposed inferiority I will somehow be different and alienated from myself lolol

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see ridiculousness in the fear of loss

I see that I have no excuse - there is no valid reason to why I should not give up my self imposed inferiority

I resist doing it so I know this is what I have to do haha. Losing a part of my self-definition as self-imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will experience myself as not safe if I give up my self-imposed inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like going into superiority as a counter reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I stop my self-imposed inferiority - I have to experience myself within superiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into polarity

I STOP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the comfort of inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that I would feel better about myself after doing this self forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self dishonest in my startingpoint of doing self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have done self forgiveness towards a desired specific result/outcome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless now that I see that it didn't work out that way

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only way to stop experiencing anger and frustration towards myself is to stand up from my self imposed inferiority and self-defeat

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise and see that as long as I do not stand up from my self-imposed inferiority and self defeat - I will keep experiencing myself within anger and frustration and I will keep on being pissed off with myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to love myself enough to stand up from my self-imposed inferiority and self defeat

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to care enough about myself to stand up from my self-imposed inferiority and self defeat

till here no further

I do not longer accept and allow myself to submit and abdicate myself to my self imposed inferiority state of mind

I do not longer accept and allowed myself to submit and abdicate myself to self defeat

I take self responsibility

I direct myself

I stand up from my doom

and see that I was never doomed