Friday, 5 November 2010

Reflecting Back on Parents visiting the Desteni Farm

My mother came to visit the Farm last year, around July/August.
This year she came and visit again, this time with my father. They planned a tour through South Africa prior to coming to the Farm, and asked me and Maite to come with - which we did.

After the tour Bernard came to pick us up at Durban airport and we left for the farm.

The decision that my father was going to visit along with my mother had been made pretty early on. So during the year, I would from time to time wonder and even fear what it would be like with my father visiting the farm.

My relationship with my father back in Belgium was one of fear and avoidance. I resisted seeing him again, at the farm, because I feared that we would just play out the same dynamic again. All the worst case scenario stuff that I had imagined didn't happen at all lol.

What was interesting though was that I could see my parents for the first time. They were taken out of their comfort/safety zone which was their 'home' and also 'their country' - to a different country, where they didn't know the language well, and stayed at someone else's place.

Just that change of environment exposed how much of how I knew them to be was all environment related. Back in Belgium I saw my parents, as responsible, trustworthy adults. But seeing them in an environment where they have literally no control = showed the real truth. They couldn't go and use their 'family authority' or 'this is my house' authority whenever it suited them, because they were no longer in their 'bubble'.

Them being here left them in a vulnerable position, which allowed me to re-evaluate how I saw my parents and who I am in relation to them. Suddenly me and Maite were put in the position of 'parents' or 'responsible ones'. They don't know English very well, so with every little thing they wanted to do or find out = we had to be present, and they would freak out whenever they wouldn't understand a situation (= left with no control).

The most interesting part for me was that I saw that I do not have to have this 'fear-avoidance' relationship with my dad, and that if something is bother me, I can actually talk to him about.

So basically, it was interesting to see how their personality as I knew them to be was closely related and tied to their home environment/safety/comfort-zone - and once that is taken away, that particular personality breaks apart. It was fascinating that I could see with my own eyes how I had experienced myself towards my parents, and how we as a family participated with each other had been one big fraud, a huge mind fuck for all those years - each one just playing out their script, their role - without stepping out of it.

 And with that realization -  it was cool to just let go.
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