Day 226: The Thrill of Freedom

Last month my mother came to visit as well as Gian’s parents who came to visit for a long weekend. While they were staying over they were sharing stories of us as small children. Once of these stories consisted of how both Gian and I – each in our own setup as little kids – would be the ones ‘destroying other childrens’ / siblings’ sand castles’.

As my mother was telling the story, I remembered how I experienced myself in those moments.
It was a really strange experience – this typical evil ‘destroying someone else’s sandcastle’. It starts with first seeing someone put all this effort, bucket by bucket, sand heap by sand heap – where every singular action eventually accumulates into this ‘great’ thing as a sand castle. And then for a moment just conceptualizing and playing with the idea of ‘I could just destroy all this’ and ‘I could just undo all of that in ONE single moment’. And that’s where this weird feeling starts creeping in. Because you are able to conceptualize this scenario, you are able to see that you can actually do this and that you could indeed in a single act, a single moment undo everything your brother/sister/friend has built. And inside yourself there’s this inherent ‘feeling’ that this path/scenario is not cool and that you shouldn’t do it. But just because you can feel that you shouldn’t do it – the possibility/ability of you going there and doing exactly that doesn’t cease to exist. So an interesting conflict/friction emerges as you can tell you should and of you going there and doing exactly that doesn’t cease to exist. So an interesting conflict/friction emerges as you can tell you should and yet you can. And this is actually quite confusing – because nothing is stopping you from doing something you know is inherently uncool. And then you start imagining destroying the sandcastle and then you move yourself to actually go there, and oh boy the moment you cross that line, that point of ‘I’m really doing this’ where you know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing (and not because someone else told you that it’s wrong , but just because you know you wouldn’t want this to be done unto you) – it creates such a rush of energy, such a thrill – because you’ve just done something which ‘shouldn’t be possible’, you know you crossed a boundary.

Then depending if there’s any adults around, you’d either get reprimanded or only have to deal with a crying sibling/friend, and within that you don’t really learn anything about what just happened and what you experienced.

Because this whole event, is a point of ‘freedom’. I had the freedom to destroy someone else’s sandcastle. And just because I could, I did.

So as a child you are faced with these situations where you can do all these things yet that doesn’t mean that you should to them. And there’s no-one around to explain to you how all of this works (cause your Parents are too busy protecting their own freedom to take advantage of you, so they’re not going to tell you to not indulge into freedom because they know that would just make them look like hypocrites). In the end – the only one that is able to stop you in a moment of ‘freedom’ is you. Freedom is really just a test of character. Freedom is where you are able to set your boundaries. Freedom is not about ‘what you can do’ but who you are and what principles you live by no matter ‘what freedom’ is existent.

And I mean, what are we seeing in the world today? We still have children who in the meantime have grown up to be adults, destroying other children/adults’ sandcastles/work/effort/livelihood. We live in a world where you are able to seize power and place others into submission, where you can place yourself in a position of superiority and exploit another. That freedom exists – but does that mean that you should do it just because you can?

We live in a world of absolute freedom, which really only means that the option, the possibility of abusing one another in the most extreme ways is existent. It’ the FreeDoom to Doom one another – something we’ve been doing quite successfully since the beginning of our existence. Maybe that is what the old Bible story is really telling us, the one about Adam and Eve and the Snake – maybe it’s just there to show us that we ‘just can’t help ourselves’ but making irrational, stupid decisions which are not in our best interest. And even though this story supposedly took place at the dawn of time – we still haven’t changed – we are still unable to live by simple guidelines and principles such as ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’, simply because we’re addicted to the thrill of freedom.

Day 64: Holding on to Myself

This Blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not experiencing anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an energy experience to guide me / tell me what to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be embalmed within some form of energy experience as feeling/emotion/thought in order to ‘make sense’ of my reality without seeing and realising that within the very moment I trust feelings/thoughts/emotions to ‘make sense’ of my reality I am in fact exercising judgment within interpreting what is happening inside me and outside of me as my environment and within that thus actually ‘make something up’ instead of directly seeing how things operate/function

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here without any thoughts/feelings/emotions as that is all that I have ever known / trusted – and so I fear stepping out of comfort zone as energy and step into the unknown/undiscovered within fear of losing myself as energy as personality as ‘who I believe myself to be’ – without seeing/realising/understanding that ‘who I am’ as emotions/feelings/thoughts is merely the product/result of the accumulation of the past as memories and as such does not ‘mean’ anything or does not have any particular ‘value’ – because if my past was different my memories would have been different and as such my thoughts/feelings/emotions and so my personality/Identity as ‘who I believe myself to be’ would be completely different – and so there is no point holding on to self as identify as it is merely brought about by coincidence and is in no way absolute, stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of identity/personality as ‘individuality’ within the belief that I will be ‘lost’ and ‘not know what to do’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within holding on to identity/personality my behaviour/actions/conduct will always be limited to serve and preserve my self-interest as the continued existence of my Character as ‘who I believe myself to be’ – and will thus never take the step/make the decision to look beyond my own limited existence as a Character and thus not move myself to change my actions/behaviour/conduct to facilitate a world/existence that is best for all

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that as long as I am here living within the starting point of preserving myself as a Character I will never stand up for what is Real – and since I have already seen that my character is simply the conglomeration of memories as past experiences which together form a body as personality which is completely random and determined by where you were born and what social/political/cultural/economic environment one was born into – it has no specific value and might as well be given up as it will never stand the test of time


When and as I see myself going into fear when seeing that I am not experiencing anything as energy as thought/feeling or emotion – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I do not require such energy to exist and that these points are merely in place to ensure my continued survival as a limited Character which will never look beyond itself – and so I commit myself stop the fear, ground myself within and as Breath, letting the fear flow out – and allow myself to look at what is actually relevant and acting accordingly instead of trusting/being dependent on energy as experience as emotions/feelings/thoughts to tell me what to do

When and as I see myself being ‘wobbly’ and ‘unstable’ within seeing that I am not experiencing anything and believing that I need to experience something to tell me what to do – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that any experience of the mind as energy as thoughts/feelings and emotions are always limited to what has been before as the past as where they originate from – and so if I allow myself to determine my direction and movement by energy as thoughts/feelings and emotions I will never grow and expand myself but only further lock/encage myself within my already limited existence as energy – and so I commit myself to let go of this fear and ground myself within and as my human physical body within breath and to trust myself to behave myself according to principle as what is Best for All Life instead of energy s what is Best for My Character only

When and as I see myself not experiencing anything in particular and believing that I must quickly find something to experience within the believe that I require experience as energy as thoughts/feelings and emotions to ‘make sense’ of my reality – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that ‘making sense’ is ‘fabricating sense’ as creating an illusion and so I commit myself to snap myself out of my fear and ground myself here within and as the physical as breath and trust COMMON SENSE as what here and does not have to be ‘made up’

When and as I see myself fearing ‘not being me anymore’ as identity/personality/character – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this ‘me’ is merely the conglomeration of memories where this identity/character/personality as ‘who I believe myself to be’ is the product/result/embodiment of and has no real value, as it is purely coincidental as if I had lived another life under different circumstances me as character would have been different, and so ‘who I am’ as ‘who I believe myself to be’ as no real value and is only here to entertain/distract myself from embracing myself as the Real Character as my Human Physical Body and so I commit myself to stop my fear within the realisation that I have valued the wrong character and ground myself within and as Breath as my Human Physical Body as the only thing about my personal existence which is Real

I commit to show that no Character is of any value which is clearly revealed/shown within all the various Portal interviews with beings from the Afterlife – where beyond the point of Death they are stripped of all Personality as ‘who they believed themselves to be’ and ‘who others believed them to be’ – and all that is left is a single voice as Principle, where no matter what being comes through the Portal the message is always the same as Equality and Oneness as What is Best for All

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Day 24: Life as a CharActor

A memory came up of when I was in high school while I was listening to the ‘Real Communication’ Life Review Interview, where at some point when I was 16-17 years old, I actually dreaded the break times in between classes, especially lunch time as it was longer, as it would mean spending my time with my classmates. I never really formed any relationships with any of my friends as I never really opened myself up or shared any intimate points or experiences with them – so ultimately all my friendships were based on talking about “stuff” as sharing our likes and dislikes as gossiping about people, talking about music, movies, fashion, etc.

Where all we did every day was re-enforce and re-confirm our own characters within ourselves, using one another’s likes and dislikes to validate that “who we are” as ‘character’ is in fact ‘real’, and the ‘right character’ to be – and all other characters who are not like our character are wrong and inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself as character, based on personal likes and dislikes which emerged from memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out other people with the same character so we can share and validate our character and experience ourselves as ‘real’ and ‘right’, so we may feel comfortable within the Lie we live – where if more than one person also lives and shares this lie, then it must actually be the truth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate other people’s likes and dislikes so they can in return validate my likes and dislikes so I can feel good about myself and delude myself that I am on the right path as the right character within this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out my personal character entourage where I can feel comforted and validated as character and forget about what really happens within this world and inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-occupy myself within myself and my world with getting my daily ‘likes’ where I will act out my character according to what I believe the people I like, like – so I can get my daily confirmation that everything is fine and that I do not have to change or take responsibility for anything within my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life’s about being a character and getting other characters to agree with your character and then you Die – without seeing and realising that this is an absolutely stupid way to live one’s life as if it is one big popularity contest between one’s own character and the character of others, where it’s not even about the actual being but made-up make-belief characters based on memories as likes and dislikes which after Death simply disappear into thin air and in no way contributed to making this world a Better Place of All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made life within myself about who I am as character and how to best present my character, where I will be very meticulous about how I look and what I wear, literally pulling a character suit over myself and then believing this character/suit to be “who I am”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I was not born with the characters which I believe myself to be now – which indicate that these characters are not Who I Am, but a creation of myself as myself which I adapted, as the Lie I live within this world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever stop and have a look at the various different characters existent within me and how they developed emerged – as I would have seen that they are based on memories as energy and likes and dislikes – and not in fact real, as they shift and change and do not stand the test of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lost myself within the various characters I created within myself – where I am so occupied about what character to be/wear now that I am completely oblivious to what goes on inside the world as the pain and suffering as consequence from a World System which is not Best for All, where half the people in the world suffer so those with money can live out and perfect their characters

I commit myself to identify all the various characters I have built around myself through which I accepted and allowed myself to live within separation – and to bring all these various characters back to myself and release myself from my own creation in separation through Self Forgiveness, Self Correction and Breath within every moment

I commit myself to investigate what characters I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within – to pin point the memories from which the characters emerged and let go of these memories so I can empower myself to live here in the moment instead of recycling the past

I commit myself to show how humans have currently only “lived” within and through characters as a form of entertainment where one uses those close to oneself to validate and feed the Lie one lives so one can feel comfortable enough to ignore and neglect the real hardship and abuse existent within this world as consequence of us behaving as CharActors instead of Care Takers as what’s Best for All Life

I commit myself to investigating all the various relationships and friendships I have and have had within my life and see how they contributed to my character building within myself and to let go of these relationships so I may stand as Care Taker as a responsible human being who will act within the Best Interest of All Life instead of not being able to see further than one’s own character and live a Lie in complete separation

Day 23: Decisions

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have never made a real decision within my life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I in fact have never made decision within my life – as all my decisions have only ever been based on past experiences as memory – and never a seeing in the moment what would be Best for All

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have never made a real decision within my life, as within every moment of decision I draw on my past, past experience and memories to tell me what to do – where I accepted and allowed my past to tell me, direct me into a particular decision – and thus it was never a real decision as it was already pre-determined based on my database of past experiences and memories

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my decisions are based on personal likes and dislikes as positive and negative energy annotations, based on past experiences and memories – where within every moment of decision will base my decisions and what route to talk on my personal likes and dislikes based on memory as past events and experiences – and thus never actually practically deciding within the moment within the starting point and context of what is Best for All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to personal likes and dislikes – and to believe these to be real – while obviously they cannot be real if everyone has different likes and dislikes and there is no uniformity or absoluteness in anyway whatsoever, and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that personal likes and dislikes can never be what is Best for All as it only considers what is Best for Self as Character

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am in fact a pre-programmed organic robot, executing and performing tasks based on my memory as all the inputs I’ve received throughout my life and the inputs I placed in myself within back chat – and thus any action, task, decision was never real but only ever based on past experiences as memory

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that with every new step, with every new decision – I am not in fact stepping forward, as I simply repeating and recycling my past within myself where I take all I have ever done and all I have ever experienced and run it through the equation of the decision I have to make in the present – and thus all that can ever come from this decision is more of the same, more of the past – and within that supporting and keeping myself as character in place

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have ever only existed as characters, as different sets of values as likes and dislikes – where I will move from one character to another as the input/environment changes and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have in fact never lived but only lived as fragmented characters within separation of myself, in constant fluctuation – instead of being here, stable, within every moment of breath

When and as I see myself being faced with a decision, and decide upon something – I stop and I breathe – I take a moment to evaluate how I accepted and allowed myself to come to this decision and ask myself: what variables were involved? What values were involved? Is this really what is best for all or is it a decision based on personal likes and dislikes which in no way whatsoever considers what is best for all? And within that I commit myself to evaluate the decisions I have made and the decisions still to make to check myself and my starting point within making decision and teach myself to make decisions which are in fact best for all and not automated decision making based on personal likes and dislikes

When and as I see myself shifting characters – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not in fact here, present as breath within every moment – but am allowing myself to be a program running in automation mode where I will change and adapt myself according to the various inputs coming from my environment and my self-taught outputs as a response to these inputs – I see and realise that this is not in fact real living and thus I stop and stick to breathing, here

Within that I commit myself to for myself identify all the various characters I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create within my life to deal with various situations, people – and to walk the process of Self Forgiveness and Self Correction pertaining these characters so I can merge all the fragmented, separated parts back together here as me and transform myself from being multiple disordered character to an actual living being Here

When and as I see myself making a decision based on personal likes and dislikes as positive and negative energy, I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not real decision making but running an automated program which is not reliable at all as it is only based on self-interest and the survival of self as character and thus I do not accepted and allow myself to go that route and re-direct myself to really look and see what requires to be done within the moment which is in the Best interest of ALL