Showing posts with label behaviour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label behaviour. Show all posts

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Day 228: How We Worship False Images & are Self-Blasphemous

I was investigating a pattern of Self-Compromise within myself where I went back to childhood memories to trace the origin of this pattern and what motivated me to take on this pattern within my life and acting it out.

As I was walking a mini-Mind Construct* on this point, I could see how and why I had allowed Self-Compromise to become such a big part of my life. While I currently experience Self-Compromise to be a ‘very big part of me’, I could see while walking my Mind Construct, that this hadn’t always been so.

I could identify the specific moment in childhood where I had made a particular decision about a direction I would take in my life / a particular ‘role’ or ‘purpose’ that I had assigned to myself which had Self-Compromise has a direct outflow/consequence.

This role/purpose that I had assigned to myself, had been made in separation of myself – where I was aspiring to embody a particular idea/image.

I could see within opening up the point further in my Mind Construct, that in every moment of participating in this role and giving into Self-Compromise, how I was feeding and growing this construct/idea – where initially I as a child had been aware of the decision I had made, and was aware that this ‘is not me’ – to over time continuously participating in the point to where it superseded the ‘real me’ and where I kind of started to forget about this decision that I had made in the past to participate in this construct, and where as time progressed even more, and my ‘real me’ had now been effectively completely suppressed by this construct and others that I had taken on on the way – I now believed that this ‘idea’/’role’ I took on *was me*, and that this was in fact the ‘only real me’ and only ever was and will be ‘the real me’.

As I was applying my Self Forgiveness on this point, it struck me how I throughout my life had actively lived out the point of ‘Worshipping a False Image’ and ‘Serving a False God’ ( because after all, if we are made in the image and likeness of “God”, it means that ‘we are’ “God”). Where I actively served a false image/idea of myself, believing it to be ‘the real deal’ and within doing so, not serving myself as Life, but serving myself as the Mind. This would be: Self-Blasphemy, as we are insulting ourselves and treating ourselves with a great deal of lack of respect within pursuing and maintaining our ‘false images’.

So this was quite cool to see, once again, how we create our limitations and believe ourselves to be all these ideas and images that when you get to the core of it = are actually not. And how within seeing/revealing this creation process for yourself, the simplicity of the realization that you do not have to live-out this particular point or pattern, because you can see/realise that you were never ‘it’ in the first place = is just awesome.



* A Mind-Construct is a specific structured method of Self-Investigation taught within SRA as part of the Desteni I Process

Monday, 21 January 2013

Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions

Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection

In Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions I mentioned how at some point my family started getting suspicious of my eating behaviour and how skinny I started looking.

My mom would start pointing out how my lunchbox is still full when I get back home or from school or that she didn't see me prepare my lunchbox and how she never sees me eat breakfast, and that the scale has been left out in the bathroom a lot. I remember the one day, I came out of the bathroom and my mother looked at me and I just saw fear in her eyes, she looked bewildered and said "What is up with you! You don't have an eating disorder now have you?!". And because of the amount of fear and worry in her eyes, I just told her to "Stop being so paranoid, I'm fine". I think she was quite happy with that answer, because imagine if I had said 'yes mom, I have an eating disorder' -- that's like a big fear come true and she would have probably interpreted it has being 'her fault' and her being a 'bad mother'.

I realised I had been careless and had to become more specific in how I did things. In the mornings while my mom was in the bathroom I would take an empty plate, put the toaster upside down and shake some crumbs unto it. I'd then take a knife and put some choc-spread on it and make a streak on the plate -- now I had dirty dishes as 'proof' that I had eaten breakfast and I would leave it on the table in a nonchalant way. My mom would see the dishes and fill in the gaps herself, and I could see her smile.

I would do the same with my lunch, make lunch in the morning and then at lunchtime just crumb a piece up a bit and wipe the inside of my lunchbox with a piece to make it nice and dirty - forging 'having eaten lunch'. On weekends I would try going to friends, and tell my parents I would eat there and when I got at my friends I'd tell them I already ate at home.

I basically did not eat anything except for dinner, but now my parents were forcing me to take big portions and there was no way out of it. So I ate the big dinners and I started putting on weight, because now the body is in survival mode and wants to just store up as much in the body in anticipation of the next 'famine'. I started getting desperate.

During this whole period, I would also read a lot of blogs of other people, there's a whole 'pro-ana' and 'pro-mia' community on the internet ( pro-ana being pro-anorexia and pro-mia being pro-bulimia') of people posting daily about their daily application and progress. I saw that some girls would puke out the food they ate after binging - which was something I would rather not do -- I'd rather just not eat if I could instead of eating and then having to puke it out -- it just seemed like too much of a hassle.

But now that I felt that I was in a 'desperate spot', I decided to give it a go with my dinners. I'd drink a shitload of water, almost a sip after every bite so that it would be easier to throw it up later. I thought it worked great - initially. I could eat my dinners without any fuss, and could eat several meals during the weekends when there were more eyes around and then afterwards just go up to the bathroom upstairs and throw it all up. This worked fine for a bit, but after a while my stomach started hurting a lot and my throat as well. I couldn't puke as easily anymore and now whenever I would puke, most of the puke would come out through my nose and the veins in my eyes would pop of all the pressure, leaving them bloodshot. Then at some point I saw that I was puking out blood with my food and that's when I knew I had to stop -- my project had gone too far and the damage to my body was now undeniable.

To be continued...
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Sunday, 30 December 2012

Day 154: Cutting the Strings

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
Day 136: Walking Back in Time
Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions
Day 138: Move or Be Moved
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
Day 146: Death of a Horse
Day 147 & 148: Aftermath - Death of a Horse
Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?
Day 151: My Way or the Highway
Day 152: Things are Not Always what they Seem
Day 153: Body – Marionette of the Mind
Day 154: Cutting the Strings


When and as I see myself participating within movements which just seemingly seem to ‘happen’ where these movements just come about without me actively directing and moving myself within awareness – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am not the directive principle something else is and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and identify what program is directing my physical movement and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself moving my hand over my mouth within conversations/activities – I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accessing my ‘holding back’ programming and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself as my human physical body and participate unconditionally and to investigate what fear point triggered the program and to work through it within writing and self-correction

When and as I see myself pick up my scarf and move towards my mouth / place it over my mouth – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that unless my face is cold there is no logical explanation as to why I would be placing my scarf over my mouth and so I must be accessing the ‘holding back’ program within and as me and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, remove the scarf and participate unconditionally

When and as I see myself move my hand in front of my mouth, move my scarf in front of my mouth, start mumbling or experience a movement of ‘holding back’ within my chest – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise I am accessing a program in support of ‘holding back’ indicating to me that I am reacting to a fear point and so I commit myself to correct these movements as removing my hand/scarf away from my mouth and start speaking clearly to assist and support myself to get out of my programmed response pattern to particular triggers and I commit myself to identify, trace, and pin-point the exact trigger that set the reaction into motion and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing emotions and feelings such as fear and anxiety upon which I respond with particular movements which get set in motion without really knowing ‘how’ or ‘why’ I am responding this way – I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am playing out a programmed pattern designed to set off upon receiving particular triggers, where I have accepted and allowed such points/experiences/movements to a point of normalcy and so I commit myself to question every inner movement and outer movement as my human physical body within asking myself: where does this movement come from – am I the directive principle or not? And to accordingly assist and support myself to spot any patterns which I was not yet conscious of and to investigate them within self-reflective writing and write and apply myself to correction

I commit myself to identify/spot every moment where I go and access the ‘holding back’ program within myself and to correct myself each and every time until it is done

When and as I see myself experience resistance/difficulty in relation to stop the pattern of holding back within and as me and want to rather just ‘go with it’ as what I am used to / have allowed to become my ‘comfort zone’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can either continue compromising myself to the rest of my life or I can make an effort to change, which will take some time, discipline, diligence, consistency and patience – but where I will have actually changed and have a result that I can be happy/satisfied with and so I commit myself to change within honouring myself and the best I can be
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Friday, 28 December 2012

Day 153: Body – Marionette of the Mind

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and established an automated response pattern of fear and holding back in relation to speaking – to the extent where I am completely unaware that I am even doing it, where it has become so ‘natural’ to ‘hold back’ and be uncomfortable within speaking that this experience has become ‘the norm’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be here within and as my human physical body – where I’ve separated myself from my human physical body to the extent that I do not even notice how I slowly but surely move my scarf in front of my mouth while there is no logical explanation why I should do this as its completely impractical in terms of speaking and breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have integrated the point of ‘holding back’ within speaking / expression to such an extent that it is not just something playing out in my mind but where it is extended all the way into my physique as how I hold myself and what movements I make – where my bodily movements and posture further ‘lock in’ the mode I am in and keep me in place within the ‘holding back’ state of mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just ‘go’ with what I feel and act upon feelings and emotions such as fear and anxiety and within that hold back within speaking and move by body according to those feelings and emotions without for a second stopping and asking myself where these feelings and emotions came from and why I am just acting upon them without questioning why and where this pattern originated from

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is not ‘normal’ to have created a particular relationship towards speaking and expression in terms of experiencing fear and anxiety and holding back – and that this behavioural pattern was created at some point in time and can thus be ‘uncreated’ in terms of deconstructing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to being uncomfortable within speaking within having made it the ‘norm’ for myself as ‘all I know’ where I do not question my experience and behaviour but have accepted it as myself as ‘who I am’ and am too scared to change this point as myself so I rather hold on to self-limitation instead of going beyond my comfort zone

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to support myself within identifying the particular behavioural symptoms in terms of thought, feeling and emotion patterns as well as physical patterns such as hiding my face/mouth and mumbling to assist and support myself to catch myself when and as I go into such patterns so that I may stop myself, bring myself back here as my human physical body and re-align myself within breath and out of my mind
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Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!

I have a habit where if I feel like I am about to cry, no matter about what -- that this requires to be done in hiding and not done where other people can see it, and that it is in essence a weakness.

The most clear memory I have around this point, is where my mother would drag me to some place that I didn't want to go to as a toddler (like school), and I would cry, cry and cry because I really did not want to go. As we are walking and she is pulling/dragging me -- I am crying and trying to hold back so that she really has to pull hard to get me to move forward, while I am shifting all my weight back to resist.

As I am just sobbing very exuberantly -- as if that is all that exists in that moment -- my mom suddenly whispers but in a 'shouting' way, where the words are kind of 'held back' behind the teeth but are still very harsh -- and she goes "Stop crying!! Can't you see everyone's watching you!!". Not 'everyone's watching US' no no, everyone's watching YOU.

So then I'd go huh? And kind of 'pause' for a moment as I stand and look around to see if this is indeed the case. There's some people on the street, and sure enough, they are looking at me -- but this might just be because I am looking at them and they are just meeting my eyes.

So now I am really confused, because what, I shouldn't be crying? I am making a fool out of myself because I am crying? But I am crying because you are forcing me to go somewhere I don't want to go -- I mean, I'm pretty sure they are watching you more than they are watching me, you are the one dragging me along!

So here, the idea is created that 'crying is bad', 'crying is shameful', 'crying is weak' and 'crying is not done in public'.

Obviously there are also other dimensions involved within this memory, where I was throwing a tantrum and tried to manipulate my way out of something by crying lots -- but this was not addressed by the parent, instead the focus was placed on the action of 'crying' and that I should stop what I am doing because it's a shameful thing to do. So instead of addressing the situation common sensically, the parent went into fear because of 'what other people might think' about how the parent and child are interacting, and so the parent freaks out and impulsively wants to infuse a 'bad feeling' into the child to just make it STOP. But this then got projected unto the child, where the parent was concerned what people might think and then re-directed/projected this point unto the child, and make the child believe that people are thinking bad about the child because of the way it is acting.

So this is quite a fuckup -- there's no common sense or self-insight present in parenting to this day, where the only tools used are positive reinforcement as providing the child with a 'positive feeling' such as compliments or candy and negative reinforcement by making the child 'feel bad' through for instance punishment and manipulation. This reduces children and the adults they become to what? Robots who's actions are completely predictable and based on negative and positive impulses? Isn't that the whole design of binary codes 1010100111?

We need to seriously re-evaluate our parenting methods, as we are creating little robots with no practical common sense or insight into themselves and into this world, who create dysfunctional ideas about themselves and then try to impose those same ideas unto the world around them -- leaving a world behind of disorder and failure.

To be continued
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Monday, 3 September 2012

Day 44: Taking Things Personal

 This is a continuation to Day 42: Why?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when I walked with the teacher to our classroom after I fell and the teacher simply kept silent throughout our walk – where I accepted and allowed myself have come to the conclusion that what happened was ‘normal’ and ‘nothing out of the ordinary’ – and where furthermore I concluded that what happened was ‘just’ in the sense that I had deserved what happened, within the belief that it was implied by her silence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpreted the teacher’s silence – within believing that it meant that ‘nothing was wrong’ and that ‘what happened, happened for a reason’ where I accepted and allowed myself to believe this reason to be ‘me’ and as such, there was ‘nothing to say about it’ – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the silence did not imply anything per se – where the assumptions I made as apparent “implications” were of my own creation, reflecting my own attitude towards myself back to myself – and so within taking the behaviour of the teacher personal, I was in fact only accessing judgments/beliefs/ideas already existent within me and projecting them unto the teacher as if they were in fact emanating from her – while they were not, it was all coming from myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of “pondering” what this silence “might mean” – to stop, and realise that I am creating something, making something more out of a situation that what it really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always try and figure out what “the meaning” of things is that happen to me and my reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within trying to find out what ‘the meaning’ is of something, I am in fact separating myself from what happened / is going on – where I go into a mode of ‘speculating’ what it might mean and then decide to make whatever speculation ‘suits me best’ a reality for myself, within deciding that “this happened for that reason” – and so entertain myself within a separate, ‘customized’ version of reality – where events have particular meanings and implications and where I believe those meanings and implications to be true – without seeing and realising that I made them up in an attempt to never be here as this physical reality and deal with what actually goes on within this World and the atrocity that has become of Life on Earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that taking things personal is normal / the way of Life – where “taking things personal” is just human nature and so we shouldn’t really do anything about it because it is ‘who we are’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever question the nature and existence of “taking things personal” – as “taking things personal” is actually a form of mental disorder as one is creating and holding on to a distorted version of reality within oneself, which self holds to be ‘true’ and ‘evident’ – while it is actually all made up, and where we are okay with everyone doing this

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that “taking things personal” is not normal, and not acceptable behaviour – as one is within “taking things personal” removing themselves from reality, and within doing so, basing their actions and behaviour on a modified version of reality which is not coherent with how things work in fact – leading us humans to act in irrational, destructive ways and justifying it under ‘everyone takes things personal, it’s just who we are’ – without ever questioning the implications of such a statement of acceptance and the door to abuse it opens towards the real, actual, physical reality which is being completely disregarded within us only paying attention to our own ‘version’ of things as our judgments, opinions, beliefs, perspectives, points of view

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the teacher’s silence personal after the event of me falling after I had been pushed by someone else, where I believed that the ‘push’ and the ‘fall’ were personal – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the boy pushing/shoving me out of the way ‘meant’ something, within the sense of it being ‘personal’ and ‘specifically’ pertaining to me – without seeing and realising that the actions of the boy weren’t personal – but in fact a statement of humanity as a whole – where within the action of the boy pushing me to the ground for the sake of being able to continue playing his game – causing real physical damage and pain -- is the result of education of parents and society as a whole as the result of our values and principles, where the boy within that one singular moment simply revealed that we human beings value our personal energetic mind reality more than the physical reality we all share – where the boy could have only performed this action if we all agreed that this is acceptable, otherwise he would not have been taught that such behaviour is ‘okay’ and ‘acceptable’ and so the action would have never occurred within his mind – but it DID – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed the boy, and blamed him personally for my experience – instead of seeing and realising that he was merely demonstrating our values as humanity as a whole, and as such I cannot blame him, and I cannot take his actions personal either – as I am both creator and victim of my own creation as I am part of the whole who decides what is acceptable and what not – where my own actions which occurred after the event also clearly indicated that I value personal mind energetic reality more than the physical reality which we all share within assuming and taking things personal and victimizing myself – and so there is no point blaming the boy, as that would just be hypocrisy and an attempt to shift responsibility away from myself


When and as I see myself observing someone’s behaviour and ‘making something out of it’ within having thoughts about it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am assigning a value judgment to the situation and within that altering reality for myself within that moment – where consequently I lose grip with reality and am no longer able to make trustworthy decisions – as I have clearly revealed to myself within my writing that when I go and ‘interpret’ things – I end up diminishing and compromising myself within placing self-limiting beliefs unto myself – and so I commit myself to stop all thoughts when observing someone’s behaviour so I may remain here, as this physical reality and not get lost on some other imaginary plane of existence

When and as I see myself observing someone’s behaviour, and assign a particular value / meaning to it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this value / meaning is not coming from the other person but comes from me – where this value/meaning is not ‘given’ within the situation, but a decision I make to be what I want it to be – and so I stop and commit myself to look at what I have revealed to myself within interpreting someone’s behaviour, apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements as such events indicate to me that there are still Characters at play which I haven’t considered / addressed properly before

When and as I see myself ‘pondering’ within ‘trying to figure out the meaning behind something’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am participating within creating a mental disorder within creating alternate versions of reality – where I am distracting myself from what is actually going on within this physical reality, where I accepted and allowed myself to assign ‘value’ and ‘meaning’ to reality as if it really has that meaning in fact, while it just my own personal made-up meaning, where I end up creating meanings about everything within my world as ‘opinion’ – where each time I am looking at something in the world, I am not really looking at what it is, but only observing my interpretation of what it is as my opinion, and so I have locked myself away from reality where it is just out of reach – literally creating a bubble around myself where everything I see and experience is actually just myself as my mind as the opinions I’ve conjured up and imposed on reality – and within that deny myself access to what is real

I commit myself to show that ‘taking things personal’ is not normal and not okay – as it has disastrous effects within the acceptance and allowance of letting people act upon their own version of reality – where everyone has a different idea about reality which clashes with everyone’s else’s – resulting in an Earth that gets raped right in front of our eyes but we won’t do a thing about it as we’re all caught up in our little mind bubbles as what we think is real – which ends up in the destruction of what is real in fact

When and as I see myself taking someone’s actions personal and blaming them for my experience – I stop and I breathe – I allow myself to take a step back and look at the bigger picture – as within ‘taking things personal’ I am in fact placing myself in the centre of the Universe as if everything revolves around me – while everything that happens does not revolve around me personally but revolves around everything and everyone as the result of our collective acceptances and allowances – and so instead of blaming and taking someone’s actions personal, I take this point as an opportunity to investigate how I accepted and allowed such behaviour to manifest within this world which is an indication that this behaviour lies within me as well – and so I commit myself to forgive myself for the manifestation of such behaviour and so place myself within a position of self-responsibility within investigating how such behaviour came about within our world and deconstructing it within myself – so I can be a living example that we do not have to accept and allow this behaviour and set a new standard of what is acceptable and what is not within this world, so we can start creating a World that is Best for All



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