Friday, 26 October 2012

Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won’t get Disappointed

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 
Day 89: Holding Back 
Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly monitor the behaviour of a new bird in comparison to birds of the past -- specifically looking to 'match' any behaviour points to those that either did or didn't make it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/observe Puf bop her head down a bit, and then immediately link it / connect it to all past memories as pictures of past birds bopping their heads down, where most of them went into a point of self-defeat and ended up dying -- where I upload this point of and project it unto the bird as 'what if she is going to die' / 'maybe something's wrong with her;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly link any behaviour to the behaviour of past birds as categorised in 'behaviour of birds that made it' and 'behaviour of birds that didn't make it' -- where I try and put each and every movement, sound, behavioural pattern into either one of the categories which I then use to 'steer' my thoughts in either a positive or negative direction, depending on whether I was able to match the behaviour with a bird that made it or did not make it and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to monitor, match, and classify the behaviour according to past memories in an attempt to 'predict the future' -- where I believe that if I can match and classify the behaviour of a new bird to any of the old/previous birds -- that I will be able to determine its outcome and within that gain a sense of 'control'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire/believe that I need - a sense of control - so that I can be 'prepared' and 'ready' for the worst case scenario as the Death of a bird so that it does not come as a 'surprise' -- and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am NOT in control and that it does not matter how I manage my inner-reality from the starting point of 'wanting to be prepared' -- as this won't make a difference to the outcome/result of the bird's life -- but is only me keeping myself distracted and occupied and within that denying myself to see how the Bird is actually doing or not doing as I am too busy projecting the past unto the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have embraced the motto of 'Always expect the worst, then you cannot be disappointed' -- where whenever I want something to happen, I go into the worst case scenario just so that I can manipulate 'how I feel' when my expectation doesn't pan out -- without actually looking at the nature of my expectation/desire and actually working through the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have embraced the motto of 'always expect the worst, like that you can't be disappointed' as an armour that I put around myself, where I still hope for the best yet cover it up with a layer of 'expecting the worst' so that whatever happens it first hits my armour as 'I expected the worst anyway' as a way to not have to deal with the layer below as what I actually hoped/wished

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have integrated the motto of 'always expect the worst, like that you can't get disappointed' as a way to cope /suppress my actual experience, where I literally 'suit up' with this motto over my actual experience, to cover it up and ignore it, so that when what I feared happens, I can just "brush it off" -- but I only in fact further suppress it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me putting a cover/armour on as 'always expect the worst, then you can't get disappointed' is me directing myself and 'being stable' -- without seeing and realising that this is just me placing a lid on a boiling pot, to suppress the sound of the boiling water, where all seems 'stable' and 'clear' -- yet below the surface the water / experience of myself is boiling and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/realise that putting a lid on is not me directing myself, but me suppressing, controlling and thus in fact hiding from myself '

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the experience of wanting to look out for birds / other beings, where I believe that this will be perceived as 'weak' and that I must not show that I care / would be sad/hurt if something happens to them -- where I put up a 'brave face' and adopt the attitude of 'always expect the worst so you can't get disappointed' as a way to hide my experience from myself and others out of fear of judgment -- which indicates the judgment already existent within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse worry with care -- where I allow myself to mix care as diligence and consistency with fear as worrying/fearing something bad happening -- not seeing and realising that fear as worrying is not caring, as it is just passive energy movement inside myself which in no way actually contributes to the physical caring of another
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