Day 28: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever – Part 3

When and as I hear horror stories / see scary movie scenes and react to them within fear – I stop and I breathe – I commit myself to investigate why I am allowing myself to be imprinted with fear and untangle these points within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I am faced with points of potential ‘danger’ and react within fear – I stop and I breathe – I look at what it is that I can do practically, as a common sense point of prevention as to not create any unnecessary consequence for myself, apply these points and then let go of the point of danger --- as I have seen/realised/understood/walked the point that pre-occupying oneself with fear is only worsening/limiting the situation for self and does not have any practical contribution to the problem – and so I let go, breathe and walk Here, in every moment of breath

When and as I see myself reaching for fear as a protection mechanism – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that reaching out to an experience of fear is like locking yourself up in your personal jail in the hope that nothing will happen to you / that you’re safe from the ‘outside world’ – but now within the fear of something happening, you’ve already trapped yourself – and so your own fear is really your own worst enemy – and thus I commit myself to investigate all patterns where I tend to reach for fear as a protection mechanism, write it out , let go and correct myself

When and as I see myself changing/altering my behaviour towards something or someone in my environment after having received a ‘new piece of information’ – I stop and I breathe – I see/realise/understand that I now have created a new relationship / new character in relation to the thing/being where I added my own layer/dimension– and started participating with them/it through this layer instead of participating with them actually, direct – and thus I commit myself to investigate my relationship with all beings, people, objects and remove all the illusionary layers and characters which I have created throughout my life based on memory as stored information – so I can finally allow myself to participate within this physical world for real, and let go of my own ‘personal/customized’ “version” of reality – which was never real

When and as I see myself reacting within fear when having to make a decision – I stop and I breathe – I look at all the points within common sense and make a decision within the moment – and if I find myself unable to consider all points effectively because of fear possession, I get someone else involved to cross-reference the information to make sure that I do not make stupid decisions, and in fact consider all the points/dimensions involved

I commit myself to not make my Life on Earth more unpleasant than it has to be – by committing myself to stop all Back Chat and remove all Characters which I’ve created/accumulated over the years – so I may finally be here, as this physical reality and find out how things work for real

Day 27: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever – Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to as a kid when listening to the stories about ticks, tick bite fever and it killing people – have accepted and allowed these stories to imprint ‘fear of ticks’ as ‘fear of death’ within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a kid when hearing stories about ticks, tick bite fever and death – have responded to this within myself from a starting point of fear – where I within the moment of hearing the stories allow myself to become completely irrational and be possessed by this feeling of petrification of ‘what if this happens to me ‘, and created a fear relationship with ticks instead of investigating the tick phenomena and taking the practical steps / pre-cautions when necessary to minimize the potential of being bitten by ticks – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an emotional relationship as fear towards ticks where whenever I was in long grass would pre-occupy my mind with ‘oh no what if there are ticks here’ and ‘I hope I don’t get bitten’ and ‘Eeek! What was that itchy sensation I just felt on my leg!” – where I allowed fear to possess me within every moment of my participation with nature instead of me being here, having taking the precautions and from there simply let go of the tick point – as I will either get bitten or not get bitten and being in my mind thinking, worrying and generating this fear experience will not make a damn difference to the outcome

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise – that before I ever heard of the tick stories I was fine playing and having fun in the grass – whereas when had been fed information about ticks (which when looking at it now was probably inaccurate / extremely exaggerated for the sake of making it sound more ‘horrific’ than it really is) this information now dominated my mind and changed my whole experience of being in grass/nature – where all I could think about was ticks – and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this ‘new information’ should in no way alter/change my behaviour/approach/expression within nature – as the same “threat” existed before, but because I was not aware of it, I did not allow it to limit my expression – whereas now I was ‘aware’ of the threat and allowed this to possess me as knowledge and information where I altered my behaviour and approach to being within nature because of this one point of ‘possibility’ – without seeing and realising that before I ever knew about ticks, the possibilities as statistical probabilities of me getting bitten by a tick were just the same – and so there’s really no reason why I should now be around nature with a constant cloud of fear within my head, as this will in no way change the possibility of me getting bitten by a tick or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that my ‘fear of ticks’ was ‘keeping me safe from ticks’ – where I believed that if I am possessed/pre-occupied with the fear of getting bitten by a tick I will be more alert and will be able to keep ticks off me – where I traded ‘me being here as breath in every moment, trusting that I will deal with ticks if and when I have to and having an enjoyable time in nature’ with ‘me living in my head as fear of ticks as fear of death hoping religiously and faithfully that if I keep fearing maybe the ticks won’t get to me while having no fun at all in nature’ -- wherein the latter I allow myself to abdicate all self-responsibility as I simply ‘hope’ that it won’t happen

What’s interesting with being in the hospital – was that the exact same thing happened, where the doctor was now feeding me ‘horror stories’ of people dying/being badly affected by tick bite fever – and my mind going  into that same fear frequency as it did when I was a kid, where I allowed fear to override all common sense and was willing to do anything to not make the horror story happen to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when the doctor told me that he was going to keep me in the hospital for a few days because of those few rare cases where people die/get badly affected – have gone into completely fear mode, allowing fear to override all common sense and for a moment just be paralyzed and willing to comply with anything as long as it would mean that I’d be safe from the horror stories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust doctors blindly, because of the belief that ‘they are here to help people’ – without taking into consideration the Money Game which is currently behind every doctors practice – where, if I had been here as breath it would have been obvious to see that through his words he was scaring me into being admitted to the hospital, as this would give the hospital/him income

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally walk through an event – no matter what the outcome, within the realisation that having ideas/back chat about the event is not going to change/alter the outcome anyway – so why bother making the walk unpleasant by creating an inner hell about it, which is totally unnecessary

Day 26: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever

When I was a kid, me and my older brother and sister joined our local Scouting group and we’d do lots of outdoor activities and go on out on camps etc.

During that time I would hear stories from other kids within the group and other friends who were in scouting groups about kids who had gone camping with their scouting group and that a kid from their group had died during the night, and that they later found out that it was due to tick bites (or similar types of stories).

It was interesting, because these stories would go around as “horror stories” and from then on I was really scared of long grass and not wearing high boots and long pants in long grass from the fear of ticks and other bugs getting on to me and biting me.

Then years later I came to the Farm and there ticks became a part of daily life. Horses had ticks, dogs had ticks, cats had tick – humans had ticks! That was a bit of a shocker for me, because now all those horror stories started creeping up again going “don’t get bitten, you’re gonna DIE!!!”  Lol

In the beginning I had some issues with pulling off ticks from the dogs and the horses, especially those who’d been sucking for a while and they’re one big blood balloon, and once you pull them you kind of squash them at the same time and the blood then squirts around you, and in some unfortunate cases on you and your face (and in even more unfortunate events in your eyes and mouth).

But as it became a habit of pulling and killing ticks, it just became ‘normal’.

Then, last week Friday evening I started feeling very nauseous, feverish, my neck was stiffening up, I had a headache and I noticed that one of my lymph nodes by my groin was quite swollen. At first I didn’t connect all the symptoms together until I remember that I had an itchy insect bite close to the lymph node that was swollen (I didn't even know that it was a tickbite, as I had been scratching it through my pants and assumed it was a mosquito bite).

The next day we went to the doctor and they confirmed that I had tick bite fever. They wanted to keep me in the hospital for a few days, where the doctor was referring to some very rare cases where this type of tick bite fever causes brain problems and where once or twice a year they will have someone with the same symptoms that they have to hook up on respirators. So I as I heard that of course, I went into complete fear mode “what? Attack my brain? Be hooked up on machinery? Nooooooo” yet at the same time I could feel the deception coming from the doctor using fear to keep me in the hospital for a few days (which is very, VERY costly). Since a bunch of other people had had tick bite fever on the farm, and were all treated at home successfully with lots of rest and the right medicine, we requested to not be admitted and rather be discharged (so they can stop CHARGING us lol).

So now I’ve been sick for over a week, with some definitive improvement where I’m not in pain and feverish all the time, but it will creep up and subside in random patterns/cycles. The bite was pitch black with red around it (the black being dead skin tissue), and today the black bit got pushed out by my body, and now there’s just a hole in my leg that's busy healing.

It’s been quite an interesting week in terms of looking at all the fears and other bullshit that comes up in relation to being sick. And then also interesting in terms of being forced out of my normal daily schedule and being able to see all the various ideas and rules I had made up about my daily routine and tasks, which now seem obviously ridiculous – but while I was “in my pattern” as all the various things I had created and attached to my daily routines, and participating within it = I didn’t see it at all. 

For some reason my legs are also quite weak and I can only walk in “slow motion style” which has also been cool for me because I tend to rush from point A to B within the ‘menial’ little things we do in everyday life like eating, putting your dishes away, fetching this and that -- where I saw myself wanting to go into the same pattern of rushing but then as I turn around to move myself from point A to B, my body would literally hold me back and then I got reminded that I can only do the slow-mo walk – so I have been enjoying this point as well as literally having to slow myself down and being aware of every step I take.

So yeah, the whole being in pain and puking part sucks ass but at the same time it also shows you how a small thing like a tick can put your life ”upside down” for a moment and show you what really matters: which is this physically reality -- and that the mind as all the thoughts, feeling, emotions and back chat is really puny and non-important. Because while you’re sick all that matters is you as your physical body getting better and all the thoughts, worries, etc that I would experience during my daily life within my usual ‘routine’ were now completely irrelevant, and I could now see how they are completely unnecessary to living life.

 I am quite grateful for this somewhat painful reminder lol.

Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Commitments to follow…