Day 238: Avoiding Disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a Fool for having had and wanting to Trust Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as dangerous and reckless to drop the ways of the System and to rather embrace the ways of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for trusting Life, the moment, here -- perceiving and believing that it is naive and gullible and a sure way to destroy myself and others around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that it is not safe to Trust Life and that I have to use walls of knowledge and information to protect and defend me -- where I am constantly in a state of control and wanting to be ‘on top’ of the situation, not seeing the moment, not trusting the moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is all in reverse - that it is not safe to trust the mind in its limited ways and that it is safe to trust life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of trusting myself as life, as process


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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected trusting myself, trusting life with causing pain and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become scared of taking responsibility for myself and others because I have connected it to certain events where I was blamed for someone's pain and suffering and allowed it to crush me, allowed it to create pain and suffering within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility, to trust myself, to stand with and as myself because I perceive and believe that 'I am not the right person', 'please don't ask me to stand' - 'I am going to fuck up and create pain and suffering for me and for others'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing within and as my point of responsibility, of trust - believing and perceiving that it will only create disappointment for myself and others, so please don't ask anything of me, don't ask me to be or do more - it will only create more suffering, it is better if I take myself out of the equation and save everyone a lot of pain and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cringe at the sight of 'being more' of 'doing more' - believing and perceiving that I am doomed and rotten to the core, that when others ask me for assistance or support, hold within me 'you don't know who you are dealing with, I am not who you think I am - don't ask me to support because it will only create more pain and suffering'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forgotten who I am - where all that exists and remains is the pain and hurt of having 'fucked up' where I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to one / a few events that I have defined as a 'fuck up' as a 'failure' and as a disappointment to myself and others - holding on to this 'bad' while forgetting and disregarding any good I created and contributed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the constant fear and anticipation that I am going to be blindsided again and have a shitstorm pour over me, that it is inevitable and just 'waiting to happen' - where I perceive and believe I can't trust 'any good' within myself or others, that is bound to get smashed in my face and that I will feel stupid and foolish for having put any trust and faith in myself and others

Within this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the worst of myself and others, of the world - as a way to protect myself from any hurt and pain, as a way to avoid disappointment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by holding my eye, my focus and attention steady on the worst, on all that is going wrong and can go wrong - that is what I am nurturing and maintaining within myself and within the world - in essence creating that which I fear, that which I dislike - and only seeing that of myself and others which confirms my starting point 'as the worst' - and so I am constantly trapped and experience only the worst of me, as a constant inner hell and do not allow myself to experience anything else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the statement that 'you don't know who I really am' as the worst of me - feeling convinced that is the 'the truth', the 'reality' - not considering that I am so consumed by one or a few experiences - that it is actually I, who does not know who I am and I am not allowing myself to find out who I really am and who I could be - because I have already condemned myself to the worst

Day 232: Fear, so much Fear!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear and survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself things to do to keep busy, to keep engaged and have myself focus on anything but my experience of fear and survival - to then when one moment / task is done - plunge into a panic of ‘what now??? Now it’s all back!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my own fear / of me experiencing and embodying fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my fear is very valid, where I perceive and believe my fear is my ‘voice of reason’ and that it’s there for a reason and that I must listen to it and be engaged with it because it’s trying to tell me something important that I need to know / be aware of to be able to avoid some worst case scenario -- and yet at the same time be so consumed by the fear that all I exist as is this fear and see no solutions, no direction and only react more to the state I am in which compounds the fear even more

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and distract myself from my fears and my experiences by keeping busy and keeping engaged so that I do not have a moment to myself where I am alone with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on the one hand want to get away from my experience of fear because I ‘disappear’ and yet at the same time want to be engaged in my fear, give it attention, because I perceive and believe that it’s telling me information to protect me and I must act on my fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my fear in separation of myself, as this external entity that attacks and ‘takes over’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than my fear

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the creator of my own fear, that I am the one creating my own overwhelming experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see that I am capable of creating overwhelming experiences for and towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my fears where I will tell myself ‘let go of the fear, whether I am in fear or not, I am here anyway’ - where for a moment I have peace inside myself only to then bring up all the ‘what ifs’ I have been fearing as if to put me ‘back in my place’ , ‘back to diminishment’ that I am ‘not allowed to not have fear’, that ‘fearlessness is ignorant and stupid’ - who do I think I am to not be fearful?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the only way to give direction to points of concern is by fearing them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated fear to being responsible and considerate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fearfulness is a practical survival skill

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated fear to being aware 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be able to list all the things that can go wrong and being aware of everything that can go wrong at a given moment is ‘responsible’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is the answer to everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that fear is justified because of previous moments / events where I didn’t know how to direct something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past shows me my future, in that the future is necessarily going to be the same as the past and that I am bound to experience myself in the same way and respond to things the same way and so I am trapped and a victim and will only ever experience myself as my limitations 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear because I do not trust that I can change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even within this very self-forgiveness defend and justify my fears through logic

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have shown myself that I do not need fear 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and defend the known while at the same time being unwilling to explore the unknown 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my fear and justify my fearfulness because apparently it ‘got me this far’ and so ‘has to be of use / valuable’ and that it is ‘reckless’ to ‘give that up’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to place the blame outside of myself as to ‘why I am so fearful’, that it’s because of ‘all of these reasons and things are just worth fearing’ while in reality I have not taken enough time, consistently, to do my writing, my forgiveness and have let things accumulate to the point where I am ‘too full of stuff’ and everything seems hopeless with no solution in sight - while I very well know that when I was most empowered was then I was writing and doing forgiveness consistently and that my current experience is a manifested consequence of ‘letting things slide’

Within this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I could ‘afford’ to let things slide because I had reached a point of stability within myself and things were working out - perceiving and believing that once it has been ‘achieved’ it will remain there forevermore, taking only note of the end result and not the process of creation and that it is this process of creation that requires to be maintained and practised consistently over time

I commit myself to get back to what I know serves me, to the basics, to the tools that have always supported me as breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective statements and actions

I commit myself to trust myself to get back to my real self, to trust that my experience of fearfulness is not a final condemnation and an absolute, that I am not bound to and by fear -- and that I can experience, live and express myself as my best potential both for myself and for others as myself

Day 106: Regret

While we were walking back from putting the horses in the neighbour’s field this morning, we saw that there was a random cardboard box standing next to the fence of the neighbour’s field in which the cows were grazing.

Gian went to check it out saying “Let’s make sure there’s no puppies in there” – and as he said that, a memory popped up of when I found a box with puppies in it.

I was in high school, maybe 16 years old. It was walking away from school down the station but decided to first go to the public library before catching a train home. As I was walking past the station, I saw a cardboard box next to one of the bins. I went to check it out and there was a whole bunch of golden puppies in it.

At first I was shocked, because I had heard of these type of things happening but I had never seen it before ‘in my face’ type of thing. My school was in a red light district, in a kind of poor part of the city and I wasn’t sure if anyone would walk by here that would be able to help these pups.

I was looking at what I should do. I wanted to grab the box and go home, show my parents and make a plan. But then I remember how my mom would always moan about dogs, as they used to have a dog and he started destroying furniture and doors, and then gave him away. Not that I was planning on keeping these pups per se, I just wanted to get them out off the street and to a place where they could be taken care of.

So then fear kicked in, because I didn’t want to upset my parents and I didn’t want to get into trouble. I was also scared that I might run in trouble on the train, as I didn’t know for sure what the regulations were concerning pets – and again: I didn’t want to get in trouble.

So in the end I decided that it was ‘not worth it’, that I was ‘too scared’ and so I walked away and went to the library. All the way walking to the library and then walking from the library back to the station, I was worried about the pups and what might happen or have already happened to them.

Just as I was about to get to the entrance of the station, I take a turn to get to the other side where I had initially seen the box. When I got there the box was gone.

On my way home I kept telling myself that ‘someone else probably sorted it out / took care of them’ -- but how could I be sure? That neighbourhood was a bit dodge, who knows what could have happened to them. And I’ve since then always regretted not having picked up the box and make sure that they went somewhere safe.

As I walked through the memory on our walk back to the farm, I looked at how I would have handled the situation now, and looking at it now, the ridiculousness of my behaviour is very evident. If I had to be faced with the same situation now, I would have picked up the box without hesitation, take it home and make a plan – and if it turned out to be a problem on the train I would have just dealt with it because it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But who I was at that point, even though what I did was ridiculous and stupid – the fear was so intense and so real, that I felt like I had no other choice but to obey it – fear was my reality and not common sense practical consideration.

The particular point that sticks out for me in this memory, is the point of ‘authority’. Where both my parents and the train person in his uniform represent points of ‘authority’ – and where even if these authority figures did not make sense, I would not want to go against it out of fear of getting into trouble. So what’s always bugged me about this memory, is that I chose fear as self-interest in terms of not wanting to get into trouble over the certainty that those pups had been taken care of – where I rather allowed the possibility of them dying or being abused to exist over me stepping up within myself and do what I see needs to be done regardless of how particular authority figures may have reacted to that.

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Day 61: Self-Disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore self-disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem self-disappointment as ‘being of the mind’ and within that use it as an excuse to dismiss/ignore it – within believing/kidding myself that I am being directed by a ‘low’/’down’ energy/mood and that I must just ‘get out of it’ and not pay much attention to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the experience of self-disappointment within believing that I am being depressed – without seeing and realising that I am feeling depressed because I am not addressing my self-disappointment and then within that further disappointing myself to the point of depression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand still within every experience I have – and truly investigate what it is about – instead of just trying to ‘brush it off’ as self-suppression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to address self-disappointment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that self-disappointment can be real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of addressing self-disappointment, go into depression and further disappointment to a point where I am in complete aversion towards myself without looking at how I created this experience for myself – and then kid myself into believing that the depression is the problem without seeing/realising that the depression is merely an outflow/result of me knowing that I am disappointment with myself and not doing anything to get myself to a point where I am satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed with myself and believe this to just be a ‘mood swing’ with no further meaning/implication – which then leads me into depression within not addressing the point and then go into self-destructive behaviour in order to distract myself from taking responsibility for my self-disappointment which only makes things worse

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be true to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take note of self-disappointment and see/identify where I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and take self-responsibility within correcting the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within self-disappointment within the realisation that I haven’t been true to myself and within that bring myself down within ‘down energy’ which spirals out of control and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that judging myself for self-compromise with self-disappointment/regret does not in any way assist or support me but only distracts me from coming to the point of self-responsibility and changing my actions to a point where I can be satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing the point of self-disappointment, go into an energetic experience/reaction towards the point as self-judgment where I want to ‘do something about it’ from an energetic starting point – where instead of being here, stable and correcting myself/taking self-responsibility – I go into a point of ‘making up’ and ‘punishing myself’ where I go into the opposite polarity / extreme and set goals/standards for myself which I can’t practically live up to and within that find myself in a strenuous position – and where when I come to the point where I realise that I didn’t and couldn’t live up to my new standard/goals – go into further self-judgment as self-victimization and failure in believing that “I am such a fuck up” – instead of seeing and realising that I had been unreasonable within myself within ‘wanting to make up for it’ where I was being too strict with myself and not allowing flexibility and so again = compromising myself. Same point, different picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into all these various dimensions/directions in relation to self-disappointment – and within these various directions/dimensions never actually get to the point but just entertain myself with another energy dimension where I go and fuck around without ever coming to the point of correction/self-responsibility which inevitably only leads to more self-compromise and self-disappointment since this trapping myself in all these various dimensions/directions is itself again self-compromise and so within that I just keep the pattern/cycle going



When and as I see myself being disappointment with myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am indicating to myself that I am not yet completely satisfied with my application and that I could be more specific/effective within a particular point or points – and so I commit myself to trace back the point of disappointment so I can correct myself

When and as I see myself being disappointment with myself and dismissing/ignoring the point because there is a ‘negative energy’ attached to it and within that believing that it is “of the mind” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the ‘negative energy’ is not inherent to the point of self-disappointment but is a negative energy which has come about through self-judgment and postponement – where I did not accept and allow myself to address the point of self-disappointment IMMEDIATELY within the very moment it opened up – but instead waited, judged it and left myself to wallow in my own self-pity and then believing this energy to be a part of ‘self-disappointment’ so that I have a ‘good reason’ to ignore this self-disappointment so that I can have a ‘good reason’ to not change my ways – and so I commit myself to investigate and look at every single point of self-disappointment within me and to not just dismiss it because there’s an energy around it – and I commit myself to catch myself within those very moment that I compromise myself which will inevitably lead to self-disappointment so I can correct myself before it even happens because I know inside myself that there are those moments where I know what to do, but I don’t do it -- and I know that I will regret not doing it – but I still don’t – because I find it easier to give in to energy than sticking to principle and so I commit myself to stand by / listen to principle as that voice inside me that knows very well what requires to be done and to dismiss the energy experience of temptation

When and as I see myself being in a state of depression – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is me indicating that I am not satisfied with myself/my life /how I handle things and so I commit myself to identify the point which requires specification/alignment and get myself to change the point without any further distraction such as self-judgment / pity

When and as I see myself judging myself within being disappointed with myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point judging myself as this is only me removing myself further from taking actual self-responsibility where I believe that I am taking ‘passive responsibility’ within judging myself as ‘punishment’ and believe that I can get away with my dishonest actions as long as I repent and show that I am sorry – and so I commit myself to snap myself out of self-judgment as the nasty self-sabotage trick it is – and ground myself here, within and as breath and do what needs to be done within active self-correction

When and as I see myself being disappointed with myself and go into a point of wanting to ‘make up’ / ‘compensate’ for my “evil doing” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is no solution and actually just a repetition of the exact same pattern but this time within the other polarity side of the construct which means that if I participate in this I am going to end up right where I started as I am within this compromising myself and self-compromise leads to self-disappointment and so I commit myself to when I deal with a point of self-disappointment and self-correction – double check my starting point to ensure that it is not within energy but simply a point of self-responsibility as correcting/specifying/re-aligning myself within the realisation / acknowledgement that how I did something previously was not cool and so I change/correct it

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Day 36: Self as Creator

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to direct disease as myself – or that at the least it is something for ‘later in my process’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see / realise / understand that if I am the creator of the tick, the virus and the experience of the disease – that I am equally able to direct the disease as myself since all of these variables / factors were me already in the first place –I just can’t remember creating it thanks to this fantastic thing I / we created where we forget all and everything at the point of ‘death’ and ‘birth’ and cycles of karma which we created deliberately to remove ourselves from ever taking self-responsibility within ‘not remembering’ what we’ve done

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that ‘directing a disease as myself’ is not at all impossible within the realisation that I am in fact the creator of and everything and at the same time am part of creation within the realisation that we are all One as Substance and are all made from the same matter as this Physical Reality we all share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from the tick that bit me and all ticks in existence within believing that “I was the victim of a tick” – instead of seeing and realising that the tick(s) is just another part of me as substance manifested in a different form but is still me in fact within the context of Physical Oneness an Equality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that anything in this world can only ever exist as a reflection of our nature – and so I cannot blame the tick for becoming sick as the tick is merely an external manifestation of what is already existent here within and as me as my very beingness and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a tick for my experience within the attempt of not having to face my true parasitic nature which is merely revealed through the externalized manifestation of ticks and other parasites

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe / trust that it is impossible for me to direct disease as myself and that it is impossible for me to change – without seeing and realising that this is just another excuse / justification for not taking self-responsibility -- because if I acknowledge that self-change and self-trust is possible within the realisation that I am here as everything in fact – then this will mean that I will have to take responsibility for everything that is here as me in fact and get my ass in gear – which is something I’ve defined as scary and unwanted within myself and believe that I rather take only limited self-responsibility as the limited reality which is confined within and as my mind

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is completely possible to redirect my trust – where I am able to simply unconditionally redirect my trust of ‘not being able to change’ to ‘I am able to change’ -- and within that statement – change

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have taken the realisation of ‘ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE’ and pull it through into practical application within every moment and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to beliefs of self-limitation within the religion of myself in the face of the countless times I have been shown and seen for myself that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

When and as I see myself going into an attitude of disbelief, where I do not trust myself to be able to change / direct myself as disease – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the creator of the disease as I am the creator of everything and part of creation as everything – and within the realisation that I am Equal and One with this physical reality within the sharing of Substance I commit myself to trust myself and move myself as disease within the understanding that the disease and my human physical body is me in fact

When and as I see myself postponing walking through a point – within the belief that ‘I can’t do this’ and ‘it’s something for later in my process’ and ‘not now / not yet’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there’s no point ‘postponing’ to walk through a point if the point is right here – the point is RIGHT HERE – and not LATER, so I embrace the point and walk the point unconditionally in self-trust and let go of all beliefs of self-limitation

I commit myself to remind myself and everyone else that we are in fact the creators of everything and are able to direct creation as ourselves in every possible way – and the only reason I / we are not able to do so is because we have not yet embraced self-responsibility within the realisation that we are One within this Physical Reality as Substance and have allowed ourselves to remain stuck in fragmented limited realities of ourselves as we believe that the only thing which is real is the Mind which for some reason we think is this *amazing* thing, while it’s the most limited thing existence

When and as I see myself looking at something as it being ‘out there’ and ‘separate’ from me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that everything in existence is and has always only been an extension and reflection of ourselves so we can never really ‘observe’ or ‘behold’ anything which is not ME / US – and within that I commit myself to deconstruct and remove all the layers of separation as beliefs of ‘me and them’ and ‘me against the world’ as all I can ever be faced with is myself and so I commit myself to walk the process of the elimination of Self as the Mind as this is the most limited reality / version one can live in and as and I commit myself toembrace/amalgamate/integrate myself into and as the physical and explore what is possible FOR REAL

When and as I see myself blaming another for an experience I have within myself such as disease – I stop and I breathe – I remind myself that I am the creator of my experience and am perfectly able to direct the experience/disease as myself Equal and One

I commit myself to show that we cannot blame and point fingers at one another as everything and everyone are different parts of ourselves manifested in different externalized forms – but all are me / us in fact and so whenever we point fingers we are really just pointing fingers at ourselves, and so there is no point pointing fingers but to take self-responsibility as creators and move ourselves Equal and One towards what is Best for All so All Parts of ourselves in and as this Physical Reality can be taken Care of Equally within Dignity

When and as I see myself accessing and playing out the belief that ‘I can’t do this’, ‘it’s impossible’, ‘I can’t change’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is just another of my ‘tricks’ to not take self-responsibility and see/realise/understand that I am perfectly able to change – and so I move my trust of ‘not being able to change’ to trusting myself as change and I change in fact

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that taking responsibility for everything which is here as myself which is this Physical Reality in its entirety is ‘scary’ and ‘unwanted’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the only way Self-Responsibility can be Real if it is Self-Responsibility IN FACT, and this can only happen when everything in its totality is included within this point of Self-Responsibility and anything less is not real Self-Responsibility as one has not accepted and embraced All Parts of Self as Everything and Everyone in this Physical Reality and so there is really only one type of Self-Responsibility and this Self-Responsibility is All Encompassing

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that I am unable to take Self-Responsibility as All Parts of Myself in and as this Physical Reality – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the scope may change but the Principle remains the same – and as such, nothing much changes and my application will be one and the same as acting within the Principle of what is Best for All within Self-Honesty and transforming this World and thus our Nature to one that is Best for All, so that All Parts of Myself are may be Equal and Equally taken care of

I commit myself to show that since we can trust we can trust whatever it is we want – and whatever we trust will be – and as such why not move our Trust in Separation and Inhumanity to Trust in Equality and Humanity as what is Best for All Life and Manifest / Create a World of Equality At Last

I commit myself to remind myself and others that we are in fact the creators of everything and everyone as we are of the same source as Physical Substance and show that we are able to create anything and move reality into any direction we want – and within that I commit myself to direct this reality as myself to one of Oneness and Equality where All Parts of Reality/Creation are taken care of Equally and Responsibly

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