Day 240: The Non-Believer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as ‘work’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as ‘burden’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a burden out of everything in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything and everyone as out to abuse me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone pushing through resistance 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given in to resistance 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have diminished myself to such an extent that even the most basic things like feeding myself have become a burden 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind 'I have time', behind 'I don't have to do this right now', behind 'choice' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'in time things will get easier' that 'time heals all wounds' - not seeing and realizing that it is in reverse, that wounds fester and grow deeper roots 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to wait for things to 'come together' on their own accord

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have taken Bernard's words to heart, for real - but instead stored them as knowledge and information in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'in time it will be easier to live and apply his words' with the hidden notion that 'maybe I don't have to live and apply them, maybe there's a way out' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wasted my time and continue to waste my time 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to save me from myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not believe in myself 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have twisted the words 'believing in myself' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined believing in myself as hoping and waiting for things to magically work out 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'believing in myself' as 'taking a backseat' within myself, that I don't have to be aware, that I don't have to be in breath 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined believing in myself as passive hope, waiting and hoping for things to magically work out 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am somehow exempt from reality and consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a state of shock, of ‘oh shit, I really have to do this, WE really have to do this’ - where there is a sense of ‘I can’t believe this is happening, this is real’ even though it has been shared and foretold many times, but I took it for granted, believed and perceived that somehow there’s going to be a ‘happy ending’ - yet all the indicators are not pointing at a happy ending , things are getting worse 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated process as a method of ‘self improvement’ as a way to ‘improve myself’ and ‘improve my life’ - looking only at the context of ‘my life’ and ‘this one life’ and not from the perspective of eternity as eternal being that is going to be here after death, as a being that is part of all that is here, that there is no actual ‘death’ as ‘an end’ - there is no escaping what is here as what I have accepted and allowed as what is currently exists here on this earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked my process as overcoming ‘some limitations’ and not within the commitment to overcome ALL limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have settled for improvement and not absolute transcendence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have settled for improvement and not absolute transcendence because I already decided at the beginning of my process that ‘I can’t really do this’ 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided that I ‘can’t really do this’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided within myself that walking process is ‘impossible’ and within that never really committed 100%

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard is the exception 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard asked everyone to do the impossible 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked my process as a lifestyle - and in essence have walked as a non-believer, as a Judas - showing a front of agreement but behind my back crossing my fingers that 'I don't actually believe this' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning of my process had seen the implications of Bernard's words, of being the directive principle in EVERY MOMENT OF BREATH, even when ASLEEP - and to have in that moment gone 'pfft, no way, that's stretching it too far' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never really have started my process but been only walking the process to walking my process - still 'making up my mind' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been walking in postponement, waiting 'for proof' even though I lived with the walking and talking proof as Bernard 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated process like a dream - that it's not really real - while it is all in reverse - what I thought was real and important was the dream