Monday 20 May 2013

Day 203: My Head is like a Broken Record

Also read:
Day 386: Fetal Development Stages – Consciousness Research – Week 14 (Part Two)
Being able to Stop Thoughts – proves that both ‘who I am’ and Thought itself is Illusion: DAY 377 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and believe my thoughts as the content they present as ‘not trusting myself’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the past to tell me who I am, within trusting my thoughts , where my thoughts are merely the result of the accumulation of memories as data and the meanings as emotions and feelings attached/embedded within these memories whereby the thoughts are ‘ghosts of the past’ haunting me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and ‘live here’ while ‘looking through the past’, instead of being here – breath by breath, as the only way within which ‘living here’ is possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are valid, without actually having tested them to see whether they are valid in all ways, or whether they are only valid within the context of the existence of the memory as being an extension of data – but instead merely apathetically accepted and allowed them as apparently being ‘normal’ and within doing so accepting and allowing the limitation that comes with living by one’s thoughts as one’s own personal nightmare

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of distrust and inadequacy, without seeing and realizing that I am merely echoing memories – where within accepting these thoughts and allowing them to play over and over again like a broken record, I am merely creating new memories with the exact same content, over and over again – to only further perpetuate my accepted and allowed limitation within enforcing the same pattern and thus enforcing the same outcome with no room for change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts and emotional/feeling experiences that are attached to them, believing that because they come up, ‘they must be real’ and I ‘must follow them’ and I ‘must accept them’ (while these are also thoughts lol), without questioning where my thoughts/feelings and emotions come from

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have made the decision, the commitment, the statement – to decide to live here, breath by breath, moment by moment – within believing my thoughts that tell me that it’s ‘too hard’, it’s ‘too difficult’, ‘not yet’, ‘maybe later’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that in terms of living the commitment of breathing here in every moment – there is no ‘later’ or ‘process’ that needs to take place in order for me to supposedly be enabled to effectively live here breath by breath – as all there is, is the decision as willpower , as commitment, as I am here, this is what I accept and allow, this is who I am – and who I am is now living breath by breath and not give in to the voices of the memories as thoughts, desperately wanting attention and be held unto because of some perverse perception of apparent value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have postponed making the decision of living breath by breath, where I saw that it was inevitable to make this decision and to live by the decision made – but instead perceived the decision as the final decision within a negative charge connotation, connecting it to ‘death’ – where this decision would be ‘it’, living by this decision would mean no turning back – wherein I went into fear and instead of pushing through the bullshit of thought, I stepped back within myself and went ‘not yet’, and justified it with ‘I cannot do this anyway’ and thus in fact fulfilling my own self-belief within not doing it, not seeing and realizing that my decision to ‘not do it’ does not mean that I ‘cannot do it’, only that I don’t want to bother finding out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived in regret of that one moment, where I saw what needed to be done, but instead allowed myself to be persuaded by my thoughts and what they had to say and so within that moment accepted and allowed myself to remain limited because apparently these thoughts that claim that I am limited have some freaking value and I should just ‘go with it’

I commit myself to live breathe by breath here, to live in awareness instead of consciousness and to when and as I see myself missing a breath of having missed breaths – to simply pick up again as a matter of common sense and self-dedication and self-will and to not allow myself to give into the thoughts who are ready to cheer me down into giving up and self-defeat – because I have made a commitment and I have made a decision and I am tired of letting myself down – it has been enough

I commit myself to trust myself and to learn to trust myself to be able to just do this one simple thing: to be here within a single breath ever only, and to practice this point over and over, breath by breath – the only way you can practice anything – until it is a living natural expression of and as me, where I live it instead of practicing it

I commit myself to disregard the voices in my head, to see them for what they are as merely the collection of data and information being repeated – and to use them as an opportunity to identify the programming, the rules that I have accepted and allowed myself to live by – and to reverse engineer their creation to a point of nothingness, so I may create a new rule, a new law by which to live – as that what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to give myself to opportunity to live here, as I see and realize that I have only ever lived as thought – or rather have lived through thought within believing that it was ‘me’, within believing that ‘who I am’ is the mind and where within the realization that I am not the mind, and not yet the body – I am absolutely nothing – and thus I grant myself the opportunity to kill myself as the mind and birth myself as the Life from and as the Physical and find out who I really am, as Life – and disregard/shed what I have been living as a Lie.

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Monday 13 May 2013

Day 202: Personalizing Bad Grades

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 199: Exam Nightmares
Day 200: I Don't Do Bad Grades 
Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access fear of failure whenever I am studying within accessing the 'race'/'competition'-point, where I fear for myself and my future just thinking of the possibility of bad grades

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected 'the end of my future' / 'the end of the world' to 'bad grades' within an emotional attachment of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created and attached an emotional attachment/layer to 'bad grades' as in 'grades just above passing' or 'failing grades' -- wherein I react to it in fear and despair instead of practically analyzing what feedback these grades give me and how I can change/adapt things to 'improve' them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected 'failure' to 'bad grades' where I believe that only 'failures' do 'bad grades' and that 'bad grades' is a bad omen for 'future failures' / ensures 'future failure'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take bad grades personal, where instead of practically looking at how I got to have bad grades, I am worried about my image and reputation, whereby now I don't only fear 'the end of the world' as my 'future being in jeopardy' but also the 'end of my image' and 'end of my reputation' -- where I believe I have to keep my bad grades hidden/ a secret so that no-one can find out that I don't match the image/reputation I try to uphold

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this has got nothing to do about 'others' but only myself -- where I am the one investing energy and placing value in the idea of 'not having bad grades' -- where I may just as well not invest energy and value into the idea resulting in me not having issues with bad grades, and simply working through the necessary steps/procedures to correct this point -- within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is my emotional attachment / view of grades that is keeping me /hindering me from practically working through the correction of improving myself, as I am being blindsided by emotional outbursts, preventing me from seeing to the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so invested in a miniscule point like grades, where my whole being will shake if I see the sight of bad grades -- but where if I later that day see the news with people being bombed I will feel nothing in comparison -- indicating to me how our value systems have become completely warped and have lost all perspective about what really matters



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Saturday 11 May 2013

Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 199: Exam Nightmares
Day 200: I Don't Do Bad Grades 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades' within observing my siblings having good grades and this being praised by my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that 'passing' is not good enough and that one should always aim for a '100%'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear of bad grades within having been pushed/motivated to 'always have good grades', as others indicated that 'having good grades' will give you the widest variety of options for your future and thus if I have bad grades I am putting in danger my future as I won't necessarily be able to study / follow what I want if/when bad grades limit me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my desire for good grades is rooted/embedded within the fear of having bad grades as fearing for my future / having limited career options

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have promised to myself that I will never allow myself to have bad grades because if I do I might end up in a miserable position in the system

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have questioned my parents or the education system, where it became clear that even though school was a place where I could be with my friends and play during break times -- I was at the same time in a race/competition with the other children in the class, a race/competition for future status in society/the system -- where some will study hard to make sure that they will be able to further their education while others don't or simply can't with the means available and where each child does not look out or look back at one's friends or care about their situation because we all know 'someone has to do the sucky jobs one day' but 'at least it won't be me because I have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into a form of tunnel vision, where all I could see was a straight vision to my future / future position in society/the system -- where all I cared about was 'getting good grades' as this was what I understood to be my 'ticket' to a nice life in the system -- where there was no time or space to consider others who may not be doing as well as I was and thus would possibly end up in less favourable positions in society/system -- but where instead of helping/assisting them I only went further into fear as I 'cannot waste any time on them' and must 'take advantage' of their shortcomings as this puts me 'further ahead' in the race

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Wednesday 08 May 2013

Day 200: I Don’t Do Bad Grades

I was looking at this exam point some more and two memories popped up in relation to having an emotional attachment/connection to this point.

The first one is when I received a test back for geography, and I either almost failed or failed the test – and was absolutely flabbergasted by this. I just couldn’t believe it – I couldn’t believe that this piece of paper with such a bad grade had my name on it – there MUST have been a mistake. I, Leila, DO NOT GET THESE GRADES! Lol. All around me people had the same grade or lower and they were pretty ‘cool’ about it, meaning, they just saw the grade, had a little sigh but then they were over it. I was trying to play it cool but on the inside my head I was going insane – I had never been faced with the such a low grade and I didn’t have any reference on how to cope with this, so I was just like a bouncing ball bouncing in all directions inside my head with emotions and feelings bouncing along with it, trying to find out ‘how to feel about this’ and what to ‘make of it’. My whole day after that was completely fucked, I felt completely worthless and useless and was completely depressed by the time I got home that day.

Then I have another memory, where I am about to go home, school’s almost over and I have my paper with me with all my grades which were all just *perfect*. I was really chuffed with myself and when I got my mom had tears in her eyes. These were my last grades as I graduated from high school and it was like the epitome of my ‘academic achievement’ all throughout school – from primary all the way till the end of high school. My grades had always been great, and I had managed to end it off with ‘perfect’ grades.

And then I remembered that one bad test and how I had experienced myself. And I remember my friends who had to deal with bad grades all the time and how they did seem to be ‘overthrown’ by it the way I had been, and how jealous I had been that they could just not put so much of themselves into ‘a grade’.

And I could see how stupid it was to get so emotional over a bad grade, and I could see how stupid it was to be ‘so happy’ about a good grade – but it was like I just couldn’t ‘help myself’ – it was so automatic, so ingrained, so deep.

I remember get my first grades while studying here in South Africa, and I got my list and it was so awkward and weird – because usually, I would immediately go and take the piece of paper to my mom, that’s who the paper is for. But my mom’s not around here, she’s not involved in my studies. And so I was sitting there with the paper, looking at it, and it was just so ‘freeing’ that I could hold it without having to move and having to ‘show it’ to anyone. The paper with the grades was here for me, and me alone. I could share it with other people but I didn’t have to – because that was no longer what it was about. It was just a piece of paper giving me feedback on how I’d done on my subjects, so I could look at it, take in the information , fold the piece of paper and put it away – and that was that. It was so freaking awesome lol
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Friday 03 May 2013

Day 199: Exam Nightmares

The beginning of this week as I started studying ‘for real’ for my exams, I had two exam nightmares in a row. In the first one I had started doing the exam and was pretty much writing down and selecting whatever as I hadn’t really studied to have a ‘good grade’ but just to pass. After a while of doing the exam I got distracted and started doing other stuff (for some reason I was doing the exam in Belgium in my parents’ house where I used to live, so I could leave the room and do other things). Then I suddenly realise that my two-hour time limit is about to run out and I run back to the exam papers to finish them, and then I realise that I wasn’t supposed to write the answers on the exam papers themselves, but on separate sheets. So I’m going ‘Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shit, Shit, Shit’ and I quickly start copying over what I wrote. Because time is running out like really fast, I am writing at superspeed and notice that my handwriting is barely illegible. More ‘Shit, Fuck, Shit, Fuck’. As I am copying and thus re-reading my answers, I suddenly realise how many of my answers aren’t straight but just ‘circling around the question’ where I say things without really saying anything. So now I’m really freaking out because I am both running out of time and it’s becoming evident that even if I had time to write everything down – I’d probably still fail.

Then I see that there are old notebooks lying around from my brother on the same subject ( a subject I haven’t even heard about in my ‘wake life’ and so don’t even have this subject this semester), and I peak at what is in the notes and see that he has given completely different answers to some of the questions and I go ‘Oh oh’ because it’s clear that I won’t be able to pull off ‘pretending I know the material’ because I can see the answers are quite specific and its obvious looking at what I wrote that I don’t have a clue what I am talking about.

At some point time runs out and I wake up. I’m covered in sweat and freaked out.

The second dream/nightmare was very vague and wasn’t me doing an actual exam but was only about the exam schedule and preparing for the exam and gathering notes – but the main stressor was the schedule, just looking at the days and the times made me nervous. This one also played out in Belgium.

So what I found quite interesting in both these dreams is that the play-out takes place in Belgium – and not in South Africa where I am currently having exams. This reminded me that most of my exam stress and worries took place where I grew up. I can see there is a difference studying for exams, here, now, compared to how I used to study exams in Belgium. But even though there’s a difference in situation, simply because there are some symbols and variables the same –all those memories from the past get reloaded right back and come interfere with what I am doing now. It’s like the mind is going “oh oh, ‘exams’ and ‘schedule’ --- I know this one!!!” and then proudly goes and digs into the archives of the past and digs up old records containing thoughts, feelings and emotions and starts playing the record to make everything feel like ‘the good old times’.

So within the next couple of posts I want to investigate my relationship towards studying, exams and grades to remove the garbage from the past so I can study in peace lol.
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Sunday 17 March 2013

Day 198: What is going on Inside me? - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel
Day 197: What is going on Inside me?

When and as I see myself react in response to someone saying / asking me something and where I do not immediately understand/know what to do with the experience and react to it within interpreting what I *think* is going on – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting and rushing instead of breathing and investigating and so I commit myself to stop, let go of the reaction and have a look at what happened / zoom in into the chain of events to identify what happened so I can give myself and the situation direction

When and as I see myself react within fear and confusion to my experience when sensing something is ‘off’ when someone says something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am faced with a point that I have not yet investigated for myself and so I commit myself to slow down and investigate the point for myself

When and as I see myself going into backchat after having had a particular experience that I did not entirely understood – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that back chat is the result of thought accumulation and so I commit myself to trace my steps back and see where I missed a point that required direction/correction that was left untouched and give it direction

When and as I see myself wanting to immediately distance myself and object/protest/rebel against someone after they say / ask something without really knowing why – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is a point for me here to look at and that its never advisable to just ‘follow an inclination’ simply because it is ‘strong’ and so I commit myself to stop myself as I feel the urge, breathe, let go and investigate the chain of events

When and as I see myself ignore/brush away an experience within the assumption that ‘I’m probably just projection’ from the starting point of wanting to get this experience ‘over with’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely trying to give myself an answer for the sake of ‘moving on’ without actually, effectively moving/working with the point and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and investigate instead of assume

When and as I see that an experience keeps re-occurring no matter how many times I try to stop it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that my approach is not working and thus commit myself to find a different way / alternative as to how to approach the point

When and as I see myself starting to take out my frustration and irritation internally unto another – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this indicate that the point has already gone to far and way off track and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and trace back the steps to identify the point of origin and correct myself within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself invert an experience in relation to another where I overanalyse and interpret the experience instead of talking/speaking as the experience emerge – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have left experiences to ‘wander around’ in the past where they were left to grow and compound with no direction and so I commit myself to speak as it emerge and open up the point unconditionally

Sunday 10 March 2013

Day 197: What is going on Inside me?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 196: Irresistible Urge to Resist and Rebel
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my experience when hearing another person speak where I did not know what to do with the experience and instead of looking directly at what is gone, went into fear and from there interpreted what ‘must be going on’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear and confusion to my experience when sensing something was ‘off’ when someone sad something instead of seeing and realising that whatever goes on inside me IS me and thus I should be able to see, assess and direct what is going on

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe effectively when noticing the experience coming up inside me, where instead of being here, seeing and acknowledging I reacted and went into fear and confusion and interpreted what was going on which from there merely accumulated into further interpretation and back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within not understanding what is going on, to immediately want to distance myself from the person and object/protest/rebel against what it is they said without even really knowing why

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately want to object/protest/rebel/do the opposite of what the person is saying or asking without understanding why and without looking at whether it makes any sense at all to act this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a moment/breather to investigate my experience but instead in wanting to ‘get over with it’, brushed it off as ‘oh it’s probably just me / I must be projecting’ without actually investigating it, just so as to be able to give myself an answer to my confusion so that I can ‘get on’ with my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the experience and within this passiveness, allowed this experience and my reaction to it to just keep ‘swimming around’ within me without any form of direction where it accumulates and kind of goes ‘hello, heeeelllooo, HEEELLOOOOOO’ desperately wanting my attention to acknowledge its existence and give it direction where each time the experience would come up I would just kind of ‘No, go away – what are you doing here’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if my method of dealing with an experience is not working as in stopping it and ‘brushing it off’, where it keeps on coming back that obviously I need to change my method/approach and try something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my experience of frustration accumulate within not knowing how to deal with this experience wherein I started to misdirect/misguide this frustration/annoyance/irritation with myself and my inability to deal unto the other person where I started creating new layers/dimensions to the point and making things more complicated instead of stopping, and tracing back all the steps aaaall the way to the beginning and really see what is going on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the tendency to invert all my experiences in relation to other people where I overanalyse and interpret them instead of talking/speaking/expressing as it comes up – where I leave the experience to wander and grow instead of opening it open and directing it