Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately believe that because I react to someone where I feel bad / cry – that this means that the person is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ for ‘making me feel that way’ and that I am ‘right’ within ‘being the victim’ and that I was treated ‘unfairly’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone who ‘makes me feel bad’ is mean and should not have done / said what they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no-one has the right to ‘make me feel bad’ and that it is my right to be happy and that others must only ever do things to make me happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a child said something in class to another, where the other child was being stupid and the kid basically pointed it out – where the other then started crying and where the teacher scolded the one who made the comment – have created the belief that one cannot make another feel bad / make them cry no matter what the circumstance/situation is – where making someone crying is simply ‘not done’ and ‘evil’ and that such behaviour should be punished and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of the one child making a comment, the other crying and the teacher scolding the one who made the comment – have integrated the point that one can ‘get away’ with things if you cry / show that you feel bad as if that is one of the biggest violations that can be done unto and stored this information to use for future manipulation – while all the while the teacher was probably just trying to get the crying kid to shut up within punishing the other kid in order to avoid any later confrontation with unhappy parents who believe their child is being bullied and blame the teacher

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt ‘violated’ whenever I was faced with anger/conflict/friction where I couldn’t believe what just happened to me and what had been ‘done unto me’ – without seeing and realising that I was the one creating this experience for me and thus I was in essence ‘violating myself’ where all I was doing was react to what another said/did and interpreted what they said through filters of perception upon which I created the experience of feeling hurt/bad/violated – not seeing and realising that I wasn’t actually hurt/violated but that I was merely playing out an acquired manipulation tactic as I had seen when I was young in class, where I integrated within me the perfect way to avoid change, where if anyone says something which puts me out of character, I will cry and show ‘how bad’ I feel, making the other person ‘the bad guy’ and myself ‘the victim’ so that I can completely indulge in the experience of ‘being hurt’/’violated’ and shift the attention to the other – where I end up with a situation where I do not have to actually look at my actions and what the other person may be reflecting to myself because I am too busy drowning myself in tears and in my dramatics point out how it is the other person that needs to change, because he/she is MEAN!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when in school when a child made a comment about another child and the child started to cry, where the teacher scolded the child who made the comment – have also integrated the point that I should never say things which may possible hurt another to the point where they feel bad / hurt / cry –where I should limit myself to saying ‘nice things’ only, even if someone’s behaviour really bothers me within the starting point that saying something that “makes” another cry is ‘not done’ and of the highest evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with conflict/anger and ending up feeling hurt/crying – to have started to genuinely believe that what I am experiencing is real within being hurt/sad and believing that the other person is wrong/mean/evil as if it is a basic law of nature – not seeing and realising that this idea came from somewhere and that I adopted this idea and applied it – it wasn’t something that ‘just is’ and within this dogmatic belief have completely failed to look at the origin of this point and only indulged myself within my experience of sadness, hurt, feeling bad, victimization, self-pity and blame – losing sight of the bigger picture completely

Related articles

• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 232 - Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• Day 222 - I am worthless in Conversations and Self Sabotage

Day 42: Why?

I've been looking at how I created a relationship of victimization within and towards my human physical body, where whenever something 'bad' would happen like a cut, a scrape, a fall, a bruise, an injury, disease, pain etc - I would be overwhelmed with a sense of powerlessness and helplessness and asking myself 'Why? Why is this happening to me?'. I'd instantaneously become very emotional and cry (although as I got older I'd start to suppress the crying more and more because I didn't want to be seen as 'weak'). Now it doesn't come up as prominent anymore until someone will for instance ask me 'Are you alright?' and then this whole wave of emotions would 'wash over me' and with it the tears would start welling up in my eyes and I go 'WTF, What is this experience? Why is this here?'. The experience is hard to describe because I never really looked at it before, as I just saw it as one of my weird annoying 'quirks' which would pop up from time to time but I never bothered to question it because I thought it was simply a 'part of who I am'. The experience is something like a lostness, confusing like just not knowing why all these bad things happen to me and my body and why these experience exist (pain, discomfort). Then later, when I looked at it again a memory popped up from when I was in my first year of 'kindergarten' (where I went to school you had three years of kindergarten, starting from 2-3 years old until you're 6 or something and then you start your first year in primary school) and both kindergarten and the primary school grades were situated in the same school. So on the playground you had kids from ages 2 to 12 roaming around. I was one of the youngest.

One day I was walking around on my own just exploring, not really 'doing' anything or having any 'game' or 'purpose' that I was walking around with, and then at some point I stood still and looked at one of the concrete tiles (the playground consisted mostly of a concrete tiled flat space (and the tiles were like very rough, grainy) with a small part with sand and some trees and jungle gyms), and then out of nowhere I saw this boy from the 6th grade (so one of the eldest) stand behind me and he was looking somewhere very focussed into the distance, and it looked like he wanted to get wherever it was where he was looking and I saw his body moving into action to 'get there' but then he noticed from the corner of his eye that this little toddler - me - was in the way of his body already moving into the opposite direction of the playground and then he quickly shoved me out of the way and sprinted to wherever he was going. When I look at it now it's clear that he was obviously playing a game with his friends that he got really involved in that when he saw I was in the way he just wanted to get this 'obstruction' out of the way so he can keep in the loop of the game with his friends.

For me in that moment I had NO idea what was going on and I was just completely in shock. As I write it out, it all sounds like it was moving quite slow but me seeing him to the point where I hit the ground all happened in less than a second. I landed on the concrete tiles with my knees (I mean, what a stupid idea to have a playground made out of concrete tiles? Kids fall on it all the time) and this intense pain shocked through my body. I moved myself over a bit, still on the ground and saw that my pants had a dark red stain by my one knee and it felt wet. I cried and I cried. The teacher who takes care of us 'little ones' found me and took me inside. I was in pain, crying, confused and I was looking for some answers. Why did this happen? Why did the boy push me? Why am I in this pain? Why is my leg bleeding so bad? Why would someone want to inflict this on me? I don't understand!! As the teacher was walking me while holding my hand I was full of anticipation to get those questions answered. I was very small though and had little vocabulary so I didn't really say anything while walking/crying as I assumed the teacher would talk to me soon enough. When we got to our 'classroom' (can't really call it a classroom, it's a room full of toys and drawing/crafting stuff lol) we rolled up my pants to see what 'the damage' was and my whole knee was open, my leg covered in blood from knee to ankle. She then just pointed at the little toilet room, told me to take off my pants, showed I should sit down and gave me some toilet paper telling me to 'clean myself up'. She then left.
And so I sat there on the toilet in the little toilet room all alone, in my undies, in pain, bleeding with all the questions and no-one was telling me what was going on. As I started cleaning up the blood from my leg I experienced a sense of aloness, weakness, powerlessness, helplessness -- a victim-like state. As I dabbed the toilet paper on my bloody leg I started to 'toughen up' inside as I thought there was nothing I could do and there was no-one here to help me, I wasn't getting any wiser so what's the point? After a bit the teacher came back, and put some red stuff on my wound that was prickly, she gave me a different set of pants. She put my bloody pants in a plastic bag and told me I should take it home with me after school. We then walked back to the playground where she gave me a little push of 'off you go' and there I was, back on the playground like nothing ever happened. I walked back to the spot where I fell and there were blood stains on it. I remember them being there for quite a few days after the incident.

I wasn't told why the boy pushed me and the boy was never approached about it -- so I assumed that he hadn't done anything 'unacceptable' and that it was implied that it was my own fault that I ended up the way I did, that there was nothing wrong with the boy pusing me and my body getting hurt, but that it was 'me' that was wrong in general.

So now whenever I experience pain, a cut, a fall, whatever -- this whole experience gets uploaded into every cell of my body. Depending on the severity/intensity/element of surprise of the incident -- the experience will be more or less intense but it'll always be there. And although my whole tick bite fever incident was quite different from what played out in the memory, the pain and discomfor triggered the same experience.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow 

 Related articles

• Day 37: What's Happening to Me?!
• Day 38: Being Sick is So BAD! Or is it?
• Day 35: Reversing Trust
• Day 26: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever
• Emotional/Feeling Body Creation - Part 2: DAY 103
• Parental Input in Child Character-Building - Part 2: DAY 109

Day 20: Angry People – Anger and Me – Part 5

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear angry people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let past memories ingrain fear of angry people within and as me – where I did not know and did not understand why someone would get angry at me and took their reaction personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of the person getting angry with me, have taken it personal – in the belief that I was the cause/reason why the person was angry – where I now see/realize/understand that just as I am responsible for my reactions of anger – the person in question was also responsible for their own reaction of anger – and had in fact nothing to do with me as a being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of the person getting angry at me and shouting/ lashing out – have gone into complete fear and petrification where I froze completely within and as my physical human body as I thought that the end was upon me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear angry people as I fear them doing something unto me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question the reaction of anger the person went into – as my non-responsiveness implies that I thought this kind of behavior was ‘okay’/’acceptable’  within the belief that I must have had done something wrong – and that this was the consequence of having done something wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone within complete fear and petrification when the person lashed out on me within anger – and where this became my main response mechanism to any other later event relating to anger – where I would simply stand frozen and wait it out, then run to my room and cry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot deal with anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief within myself that I cannot deal with anger – as I did not as a child have the vocabulary to communicate with the person being angry at me – where I wanted to say/express something but just couldn’t find any words – and then defined myself according to this experience, as the experience of being ‘powerless’ and ‘helpless’ and then within all subsequent events related to anger – would access the same experience inside myself, where I basically each time would loop through my very first memory again – reliving the exact same pattern without looking at how I could do it differently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within the moment of the person being angry at me / lashing out on me – have only looked at the emotional aspect of what was happening within the event and did not really look at the words spoken by the being and whether or not the being was making sense – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in turn respond to this within emotion instead of common sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed value within emotions and see them as a valid part of life – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider emotions to be a valid component within conversations which must be considered and valued, where I completely disregard what is being said and whether it does or doesn’t make sense as I’ve accepted and allowed emotions to override all logic as common sense

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that emotions are not a valid part of life and not a valid component of conversations and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to discard any emotions within conversations/arguments and only look at the words spoken and in turn respond to these words within common sense practicality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when people get angry at me – instead of seeing and realizing that one can only be angry at self – and that I am thus only serving as a mirror for the other person within that particular moment where they saw something within me which reminded them of themselves which they had not yet sorted out – and then triggered anger as a reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am only able to respond to the emotions of others with emotions of my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless in the face of strong emotional outbursts

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I can only give emotions authority over me if I place myself within that position of powerlessness as I am in fact in that moment giving permission for these emotions to influence and control me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I do not have to react when others are reacting/being emotional – and that this in fact a decision I make for myself within myself – and thus I can also decide to not play this game and STOP within myself – and within this not feed / confirm the other person’s emotional outburst

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to handle conflict situations within a common sense approach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with moments of conflict and friction anticipate and expect fear, anxiety, petrification and lock-down mode within myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to direct myself within common sense practicality and not be swept away by the wave of emotions

When and as I am faced with another person being angry and responding to this within emotions as fear, petrification, anxiety and “lock-down” mode – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that this is not the only way to respond to a situation like this and that I can decide for myself how I would like to walk through this experience – where I either allow emotions to direct myself and the event or step up and use practical common sense to direct the event

When and as I am faced with another person being angry and taking it personal – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that it is not personal and that the person within that particular moment is taking out their own inner-frustrations on me – where they are dealing with a point in relation to themselves which I happened to trigger – but where this is no way means that I am the “cause” or “reason” why they are angry as I have already seen and realized within myself that one can only be angry at oneself for accepting and allowing dishonesty to exist within

When and as I am faced with another being angry and going into emotions and feelings – I stop and I breathe – I see / realize / understand that there is no point within going into emotions and feelings as a response to another’s emotional outburst as this only feeds their experience – instead I look at the words spoken and reflect the person’s words back to themselves to assist and support the other in seeing what has been accepted and allowed within self

When and as I am faced with an angry person and going into feelings of doubt and distrust – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am the creator of my own inner experience and thus I direct myself within this realization/understanding to stop this inner self-doubt and allow myself to trust myself within breath to do what is best for all

I commit myself to changing the current educational system and parental support system in a way where emotions and feelings are explained from the start – so humans may be aware of how they operate and be more aware of how one’s own behavior towards others reflects only one’s relationship towards self

I commit myself to the re-education of human beings on Earth so they may in fact become responsible parents and teachers within this world who support and assist the children in understanding how reality works and within that empowering them and giving them the tools to work with their own inner reality so that they don’t have to go through a lifetime of confusion and abuse to then only after death realize what happened and how it happened within one’s Life Review