Day 236: Getting Ahead of Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HATE THIS EXPERIENCE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get rid of the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to understand the experience I am in, I just want it GONE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for the experience that I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself that I am not getting out of this experience 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that it is useless to do self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the self forgiveness I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being in a point of negativity, for being negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a mind experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that my current experience and point I am walking invalidates all of who I am 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am never going to move out of this experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk this point truly, because of the shame and judgment involved, any effort or attempt has only been to get rid off and get away from the experience, to get back to a sense of ‘normality’ when this point was not present or at least not active / activated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I cannot ‘afford’ to walk this point, that it just needs to be ‘gone and done’ 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have made everything about ‘the destination’ - of where I think I should be of where I think I should be at - wanting to be there without walking the process, the journey

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get ahead of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to skip ahead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to walk the physical process of walking a point through

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be patient with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to be patient with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and live in a state of urgency, where I perceive and believe that I need to change NOW, things have to move and change NOW and every day that things are still the same I perceive and believe as a judgment and failure on my part

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to want to walk the process of 1 + 1 + 1 +1 - denying the process of creation and only being fixated on the outcome / end result

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fixating on the outcome / end result without giving attention to the process of creation is pointless and shows how much I have been stuck in my mind dimension where everything is ‘instant’, expecting physical reality to match my imagination - where I can see and conceptualize my correction, my living potential - but it’s not here YET, where I get hung up on the fact that I can see it but it’s not yet manifested as a reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my own experience and points worse for myself by constantly comparing myself to the potential that I see and envision for myself, reacting that I am not yet there or rather that it’s not yet ‘here’ and within that add more fuel to the fire, add more energy to the experience I am already in and blowing it out of proportion

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to hold the potential I can see for myself as a seed within me that I nurture within myself - to in every day and every moment ask myself: how can I nurture this seed? What is the + 1 that will assist and support me right here, right now to assist in the creation and manifestation process of my potential - to focus on what is Here and what is in my Reach to work with - rather than getting stuck in future projections and imaginations and build up more energy/friction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into a drop after writing this - not believing in myself, not wanting to give myself a chance

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the drop was created because I had a moment of hesitation, a moment of doubt a moment of postponement and did not immediately act on the statement that I wrote out for myself

Day 216: Internalizing Conversations

When I was small I had someone in my environment that would get very loud and aggressive in conflict situations. I had all these things I wanted to say but instead of saying them I would just *think* them, as to not trigger any more unnecessary reactions from the other and instead just ‘wait out’ the rant and rage until the energy ran out.

What I noticed is that I still play out this exact pattern in situations of conflict or possible conflict – without this pattern being ‘relevant’ anymore. Meaning, I know there is nothing to fear in terms of the other person irrationally lashing out or something like that, so there is space for me to speak and nothing ‘bad’ will happen. But I have now become so accustomed to ‘thinking it’ instead of ‘speaking it’ that something will be happening in front of me and I want to point out something, that I just think it and feel like I have ‘done my part’ and can go on now with my day / life.

What would happen later though is that the point would come and cycle over and over in my head as what I wanted to say but didn’t – where I didn’t give the point an outlet but instead internalized it and then my head becomes like a haunted house with this ghost haunting me because it has no direction, nowhere to go.

Then it would even come to the point where I would dream about the same conflict point and I am like screaaaming at the other person, simply because I hadn’t spoken/expressed my point in real, physical reality, where I now have to go and ‘let it out’ in my dreams, but by that time the point has accumulated to such an extent that how I behave in the dream is completely out of line and then I wake up in the morning going wtf, I have some stuff to sort out lol.

So this is obviously not cool that a singular point of holding back has to travel through all these dimensions to be ‘heard’ and ‘seen’ by me before I will consider actually working with the point, which is what I will work on next.

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