Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection

When and as I see myself noticing consequence within me playing in any form, as the result of how I am playing around but want to ‘hold on’ to my way of doing things even though the feedback I am giving is telling me that it is not working effectively for everyone – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am being selfish within wanting to hold on to ‘my way of doing things’ – where I want to have fun the way I want to do it, where I believe that any deviation from MY WAY is a compromise which makes whatever I do NOT Fun anymore, not seeing and realising that I am in fact compromising by not changing as this has consequence for not just me but other people as well and so I commit myself to investigate ‘my way’ and see how I can change things in my approach to make sure that no consequences come about which could have been prevented if only I cared to prevent them

When and as I see myself react to others getting angry or giving me “negative” feedback in terms of how I do things for fun and take this personal within believing that it is ‘not fair’ because ‘I’m just having fun’ and ‘Why can’t they just leave me alone’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am only taking my mind experience into consideration and do not want to give this up and so do not investigate how what I am doing may create damage to others and so I commit myself to unconditionally look at who I am in what I am doing and check whether how I am doing things cannot be done differently without taking it personal as it is just a matter of acting in a way that’s best for all and aligning my application

When and as I see myself react to “negative feedback” in relation to what I do within believing that it is about me personally and that this means that “I am not good enough” and that “I should hide” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely interpreting the feedback given to me and distract myself with thoughts of self-judgment instead of looking at the point, where within giving in to such thoughts and not looking at how I can perfect myself I am actually manifesting myself as ‘not good enough’ as I am deliberately not pushing myself to be the best version of myself that I can be and so I commit myself to stop thoughts of self-judgment and instead simply look at the practical points in terms of how I can specify and expand my application in whatever I do, such as having fun

When and as I see myself in a situation where one is angry at me and I am reacting within fear/anxiety/crying – where I believe that he is wrong just because he is angry which I interpret as ‘exerting power over me’ and believe that I am right simply because I am in fear and crying which I interpret as ‘being a victim’ where a victim is ‘always right’ – where the other is the ‘bad guy’ and I am ‘the poor girl’ – and within that do not look at anything that has been said simply because of this weird-ass conviction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am allowing myself to be limited in what I see due to belief systems that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me and so I commit myself to investigate my belief systems and remove them to assist myself being able to see the bigger picture and correct myself accordingly

Related articles

• Day 111: Is Crying a Sign of Weakness?
• Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
• Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
• Day 143: Busted!
• Back to Breath (Day 7 of 21) Chasing Projections: DAY 138
• Day 87: Grounding Myself with Common Sense

Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately believe that because I react to someone where I feel bad / cry – that this means that the person is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ for ‘making me feel that way’ and that I am ‘right’ within ‘being the victim’ and that I was treated ‘unfairly’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone who ‘makes me feel bad’ is mean and should not have done / said what they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no-one has the right to ‘make me feel bad’ and that it is my right to be happy and that others must only ever do things to make me happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a child said something in class to another, where the other child was being stupid and the kid basically pointed it out – where the other then started crying and where the teacher scolded the one who made the comment – have created the belief that one cannot make another feel bad / make them cry no matter what the circumstance/situation is – where making someone crying is simply ‘not done’ and ‘evil’ and that such behaviour should be punished and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of the one child making a comment, the other crying and the teacher scolding the one who made the comment – have integrated the point that one can ‘get away’ with things if you cry / show that you feel bad as if that is one of the biggest violations that can be done unto and stored this information to use for future manipulation – while all the while the teacher was probably just trying to get the crying kid to shut up within punishing the other kid in order to avoid any later confrontation with unhappy parents who believe their child is being bullied and blame the teacher

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt ‘violated’ whenever I was faced with anger/conflict/friction where I couldn’t believe what just happened to me and what had been ‘done unto me’ – without seeing and realising that I was the one creating this experience for me and thus I was in essence ‘violating myself’ where all I was doing was react to what another said/did and interpreted what they said through filters of perception upon which I created the experience of feeling hurt/bad/violated – not seeing and realising that I wasn’t actually hurt/violated but that I was merely playing out an acquired manipulation tactic as I had seen when I was young in class, where I integrated within me the perfect way to avoid change, where if anyone says something which puts me out of character, I will cry and show ‘how bad’ I feel, making the other person ‘the bad guy’ and myself ‘the victim’ so that I can completely indulge in the experience of ‘being hurt’/’violated’ and shift the attention to the other – where I end up with a situation where I do not have to actually look at my actions and what the other person may be reflecting to myself because I am too busy drowning myself in tears and in my dramatics point out how it is the other person that needs to change, because he/she is MEAN!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when in school when a child made a comment about another child and the child started to cry, where the teacher scolded the child who made the comment – have also integrated the point that I should never say things which may possible hurt another to the point where they feel bad / hurt / cry –where I should limit myself to saying ‘nice things’ only, even if someone’s behaviour really bothers me within the starting point that saying something that “makes” another cry is ‘not done’ and of the highest evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with conflict/anger and ending up feeling hurt/crying – to have started to genuinely believe that what I am experiencing is real within being hurt/sad and believing that the other person is wrong/mean/evil as if it is a basic law of nature – not seeing and realising that this idea came from somewhere and that I adopted this idea and applied it – it wasn’t something that ‘just is’ and within this dogmatic belief have completely failed to look at the origin of this point and only indulged myself within my experience of sadness, hurt, feeling bad, victimization, self-pity and blame – losing sight of the bigger picture completely

Related articles

• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 232 - Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• Day 222 - I am worthless in Conversations and Self Sabotage

Day 111: Is Crying a Sign of Weakness?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!
Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique

 

When and as I see myself react to feeling like crying or seeing another cry/about to cry and react to this within thinking and judging it as being ‘weak’, ‘shameful’ and something that ‘shouldn’t be done in public’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise where this idea comes from as an idea that is imposed unto reality and has no valid basis – and so I commit myself to let go of the ideas and judgments and allow myself to be here and ground myself within and as my human physical body through breath


When and as I see myself listening to an authority figure such as parents – and simply accepting every word which is being said without looking at its implications and testing it for myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am allowing myself to ‘zone out’ and just absorb which is a form of abdicating self-responsibility, where I place the accuracy of the information as a responsibility of the authority figure where I am not in a position to question this – and so I commit myself to snap out of this zombie mode and listen actively to every word spoken and test the words to see if they are indeed common sense and best for all


When and as I see myself reacting to someone telling me to stop doing something because everyone is looking at me and then considering to stop because of this argument – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that “everyone’s watching you” is only a valid argument if I allow it to be, but is only valid if one allows fear of what others think of you to have power over oneself and so I commit myself to within that moment stop, breathe and check what is actually going on instead of immediately wanting to stop due to the all wining “everyone’s watching you” argument


I commit myself to disengage the relationship connections within myself between ‘crying’ and: ‘weak’, ‘shameful’ and ‘not in public’


When and as I see myself getting angry/irritated at someone when they use the ‘Stop doing this or that, everyone’s watching you’-card – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am only angry because I am accepting and allowing the “Stop doing this or that, everyone’s watching you’-card to work in terms of allowing it to induce a negative energy charge/experience within me upon which I then stop whatever I am doing, because I do fear everyone watching me – and so I commit myself to assume Self-Responsibility within not participating within reactions of anger/irritation and to not let the factor of ‘everyone’s watching you’ to play a role within my Self-Direction


When and as I see myself experiencing a negative energy charge to the point of crying as ‘weakness’, ‘shame’ and ‘embarrassment’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am acting upon a programmed response-pattern integrated during childhood and so I commit myself to correct myself and let go of the associations of weakness, shame and embarrassment and to unconditionally explore the manifestation of crying as myself


When and as I see myself reacting within anger to someone using my own emotions against me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no-one to blame but myself through allowing myself to be directed and stimulated by emotions and feelings to guide my actions rather than common sense principled living – and so I commit myself to snap out of the anger/blame mode and take responsibility for my inner-reality


When and as I see myself wanting to hide or suppress my tears when I feel tears well-up – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am still holding on to the belief that crying is ‘weak’, ‘shameful’ and ‘embarrassing and should thus not be done in public’ and so I commit myself to not suppress and hide but cry right then and there just to get over with it


When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘people will think badly of you’ is a valid argument as to why one should not do something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is just one of the many belief patterns we copy blindly from our parents as society as being a ‘valid’ and ‘meaningful’ argument, while it is not at all – and so I commit myself to disengage this belief and allow myself to use practical common sense insight


When and as I see myself accessing the belief that doing anything where people might possibly be thinking badly of you as being a ‘ No No’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is simply a belief, and beliefs can be disregarded and so I commit myself to let go and not use this factor as a meaningful component in my every day decision-making


When and as I see myself wanting to use negative reinforcement to get someone to behave the way I want them to, by deliberately saying and doing things of which I know will create a negative experience inside the other that will ‘shut them down’ as wanting a ‘quick fix’ to whatever I am faced with – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that such a reaction as a ‘quick fix’ does not come without consequence and is thus not a real fix at all and so I commit myself to within those moments breathe, slow down, investigate what is going on and act within common sense rather than impulsiveness as fear


I commit myself to bring about a world where Parents are educated in the ways of the Mind so that they can be Fit Parents capable of parenting and educating their children to truly prepare them to Live Effectively within this world as will happen within an Equal Money System

Related articles

• Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!
• Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique
• Day 95: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party - Part 2
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique

 This blog is a continuation to:
Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that crying is weak, shameful and should not be done in public where other people can see you -- because then they will think badly of you

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my parents in whatever they say -- within the sheer blind trust that they know still world better than I do, and so are fit to instruct me in 'the ways of the world' and that I need to know things like 'crying is weak, shameful and not done in public'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my mother said to stop crying 'because everyone's watching you', to have stopped and looked around and saw that at least one of the people on the street met my eyes, and went "shit, maybe she's right"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that it happens often tha tif you walk on the street and there are other people that your eyes will meet and that this does not have to mean anything in terms of "people are looking at you crying, better stop because they are thinking badly of you, you should be ashamed"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection within my mind between the act of crying and 'weak', 'shameful' and 'not in public'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated each time my mother would pull the "Stop crying because everyone's watching you card", because I knew it didn't make sense but it made me feel bad and so I would stop crying / making a scene

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have associated a negativ energy charge to the point of crying, where my mother was able to use this against me to make me stop, as the moment she would point out that I am crying and should stop because everyone's watching me, I would immediately be infused with a sense of shame and weakness, and then follow my mom to our destination in defeat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at my mother for using my emotions against me, without seeing and realising that this could only be done through my permission within allowing emotion and feelings to roam free within me with no direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a habit of hiding when crying or suppressing my tears, where I believe it is weak to cry in front of other people and that they will believe that I am weak and think bad things about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted my mother's argument as valid simply because she used to concept of 'people will think badly of you' and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people might think badly of you' is a good reason as to why one should refrain from doing something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing anything where other people may think badly of you is a 'no no'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mother have used negative and positive reinforcement to get the child to behave the way I want it to behave -- where the child was crying / making a scene / throwing a tantrum and there were people on the street looking at us and what we were doing, where I wanted this to stop as soon as possible because I do not want people to think that I am a bad mother that makes a child cry, and so in fear I took refuge in using negative reinforcement and said "Stop crying! Don't you know everyone's looking at YOU" -- where I knew this would create an instant bad feeling within the child and make it stop doing what it is doing, where I used my own fear as fear of people thinking badly of me and re-directed it to the child to get it to behave how I want -- without for a moment considering how such an action and words may affect the child long term

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where neither parent nor child have freaking clue of WHAT IS GOING ON within the world and INSIDE ONESELF -- where the child is just groping around and trying to make sense of the world, trusting the parent -- and where the parent has by now realised that the world does not make sense and kind of sucks but behaves in a way as if it knows how things work to present an illusion of 'authority' while all the while both are equally clueless -- with no support structure in place in the world anywhere, in any way whatsoever about effective parenting

Related articles

• Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!
• Day 107: Showing my True Colours
• Day 205 - Me against myself in Rebirthing myself as Life.
• Day 172 - giving Courage to myself.
• Day 116: The Apple doesn't Fall Far from the Tree
• Day 201 - I need to have a Laugh.

Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!

I have a habit where if I feel like I am about to cry, no matter about what -- that this requires to be done in hiding and not done where other people can see it, and that it is in essence a weakness.

The most clear memory I have around this point, is where my mother would drag me to some place that I didn't want to go to as a toddler (like school), and I would cry, cry and cry because I really did not want to go. As we are walking and she is pulling/dragging me -- I am crying and trying to hold back so that she really has to pull hard to get me to move forward, while I am shifting all my weight back to resist.

As I am just sobbing very exuberantly -- as if that is all that exists in that moment -- my mom suddenly whispers but in a 'shouting' way, where the words are kind of 'held back' behind the teeth but are still very harsh -- and she goes "Stop crying!! Can't you see everyone's watching you!!". Not 'everyone's watching US' no no, everyone's watching YOU.

So then I'd go huh? And kind of 'pause' for a moment as I stand and look around to see if this is indeed the case. There's some people on the street, and sure enough, they are looking at me -- but this might just be because I am looking at them and they are just meeting my eyes.

So now I am really confused, because what, I shouldn't be crying? I am making a fool out of myself because I am crying? But I am crying because you are forcing me to go somewhere I don't want to go -- I mean, I'm pretty sure they are watching you more than they are watching me, you are the one dragging me along!

So here, the idea is created that 'crying is bad', 'crying is shameful', 'crying is weak' and 'crying is not done in public'.

Obviously there are also other dimensions involved within this memory, where I was throwing a tantrum and tried to manipulate my way out of something by crying lots -- but this was not addressed by the parent, instead the focus was placed on the action of 'crying' and that I should stop what I am doing because it's a shameful thing to do. So instead of addressing the situation common sensically, the parent went into fear because of 'what other people might think' about how the parent and child are interacting, and so the parent freaks out and impulsively wants to infuse a 'bad feeling' into the child to just make it STOP. But this then got projected unto the child, where the parent was concerned what people might think and then re-directed/projected this point unto the child, and make the child believe that people are thinking bad about the child because of the way it is acting.

So this is quite a fuckup -- there's no common sense or self-insight present in parenting to this day, where the only tools used are positive reinforcement as providing the child with a 'positive feeling' such as compliments or candy and negative reinforcement by making the child 'feel bad' through for instance punishment and manipulation. This reduces children and the adults they become to what? Robots who's actions are completely predictable and based on negative and positive impulses? Isn't that the whole design of binary codes 1010100111?

We need to seriously re-evaluate our parenting methods, as we are creating little robots with no practical common sense or insight into themselves and into this world, who create dysfunctional ideas about themselves and then try to impose those same ideas unto the world around them -- leaving a world behind of disorder and failure.

To be continued

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• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 163: After Death Communication - Relationships and Love - Part 12
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2
• Day 98: Stress Management
• Day 167 - I need a Hero.

Day 95: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party - Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

When and as I see myself being sad when an animal has died, and see that I am ‘done’ with the crying/being sad and see myself wanting to go and dig up memories within myself as all the ‘good times’ we had together to deliberately instigate the generation of emotions as energy so that I can maintain the sadness and crying or even ‘up’ it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am going beyond the point of ‘letting go’ but instead abuse this moment to become an emotional wreck for the sake of becoming an emotional wreck which has no relation to the being that just died – and so I commit myself to within that moment snap myself out of wanting to go and dig up memories, breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself going into a mode of ‘seeing an opportunity’ when an animal has died to go and have a private pity party for myself in order to get rid of excess built-up/accumulated energy within my life – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am abusing the moment to deceive myself and others in order to ‘escape’ and have a temporary ‘exit’ of my reality – where I do not require to be responsible because of ‘extenuating circumstances’ – where I pretend to be badly affected so that I can sulk in my own self-pity and get to be ‘excused’ for it – which is completely unacceptable – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, investigate the movement of wanting to use this event as an opportunity to have a pity-party within writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself digging up memories to fuel feelings of being sad and crying when someone died and seeing that there is something ‘off’ about it – I stop and breathe – I see and realise that there is indeed something off about it as I am participating within deliberate self-manipulation to spill out emotions of self-pity which have accumulated throughout my life in a way that I can ‘cover them up’ and not have to look at them and so I stop and commit myself to take responsibility for these built up emotions and investigate how I have accumulated these throughout my life and give them direction through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself judging myself for not being overly emotional when someone has died – and where I want to in response to the judgment/guilt, go an dig up memories of all the ‘good times’ I had with the being to trigger crying/sadness as I perceive this to be ‘normal’ behaviour – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself within my human physical body and investigate my ideas of morality and ‘normalcy’ within the context of beings dying and what the ‘appropriate response’ should be

When and as I see myself access/go into the belief that crying when someone has died is a token of ‘care’ and that thus ‘not crying’ is a token of ‘not caring’ and ‘psychopathic behaviour’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have created this idea based on upbringing, education and media without ever investigating the phenomenon of Death and what it actually entails when someone dies and so I commit myself to debunk my beliefs about death and ‘care’ within Self-Reflective writing

Related articles

• Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2

Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would for a moment cry and be sad -- to not stop when I moved through the release, but instead go and deliberately go and 'dig up' memories within myself with all the 'good times' we had together to deliberately instigate the generation of emotions as energy so that I could continue crying and be sad instead of stopping when I saw that I was done with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and be sad and cry for a moment -- to not stop when I saw I was done being sad/crying -- but instead use this event/occurrence as an opportunity to have a 'pity party' with myself, where I deliberately use emotionally-laden memories in connection to the animal that passed away to bubble up emotions inside myself and have a cry/pity party -- where I go through all the events in my life where I felt powerless and a victim and tell myself how hard my life sucks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would be sad and crying -- to not stop when I saw I was done, but instead use this moment to go 'overboard' and push my energetic/emotional levels up and use the death of the animal as an excuse/justification to be an emotional wreck, because I saw that this type of behaviour would not be 'out of line' considering the event that just happened, and that thus no-one would come and bother me about it, they would even come and comfort me from time to time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when an animal would die and I would be sad and cry about it for a moment, and then to be able to continue being sad I would dig up memories deliberately that were positively loaded -- to not have stopped myself when looking at what I was doing and seeing that it was 'off' in the sense that I felt that I was cheating the animal that just died, because I wasn't in fact crying or mourning about the actual animal/being that just died -- but instead I was using the memories in which they featured to conjure up an emotional experience and use their death as an excuse to become an emotional, directionless, sobbing 'blob' and give in to self-pity which had been accumulated throughout my life but which I suppressed and never gave direction -- so I could for a moment release my feelings of self-pity within the misguided context of 'mourning' so that I would never give these experiences and how they came about a second thought, and so set myself up to release for a moment, to then be able to accumulate/recharge myself once again with emotions of self-pity throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when finding myself a bit sad for a moment, in terms of acknowledging the fuckedupness of our world -- but where this was only for a few seconds and did not feel like I was going to cry -- where I judged myself as being a 'bad person' for not crying and tried to guilt trip myself into going back to digging up emotional-laden memories to make myself cry so I wouldn't feel bad about not feeling bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea/judgment/belief about what one has to do in relation to the death of someone -- where I believe one should cry as a token to show that you cared about the being that died, where consequently I within that also created the idea/belief/judgment that if someone does not cry about the death of another, that this means/implies that they did not care and are kind of psychopathic

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that crying about someone dying does not necessarily have to mean that this shows that they 'cared' as I have seen for myself that my emotional cry burst-outs had nothing to do with the being that died but was a manipulation technique to suit my own selfish ends

Related articles

• Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain
• Day 89: Holding Back
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF