Monday, 29 October 2012

Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

While I was busy writing my blogs on the birdies, a point opened up in relation to their death/them dying and how I would experience myself. In the past I've almost always cried a lot and experienced myself to be very emotional. During my stay here at the farm, I've had to deal with a lot of deaths, mostly birds as the ones we would find and chickens, ducks, goslings.

With the last two birds that died, I found myself not being emotional and not crying.

Stuff had happened, it resulted in the death of the animal -- there was nothing more I could do. It was just another confirmation of how we've designed, created and allowed which is fucked into every possible way.

Then, as I noticed that I wasn't crying or being overly emotional -- I started to feel bad and guilty, thinking I should cry now and be sad, and that the amount of sadness/crying would reflect 'how much I cared' about the being that died. So now I felt bad/guilty, because I interpreted how I was experiencing myself -- or rather my 'lack' of experience, as a bad thing -- thinking that it meant that I didn't care and was 'unrespectful' towards the dead.

Then, I looked at my past experiences when animals died, where often I would for a moment be sad and upon realising that they are dead/gone -- but it would be a very short experience. What I did afterwards, was actually quite interesting. Once I was crying and being sad, but not like, in an energetic way -- I would use the opportunity of 'there has been a death' -- to go completely 'overboard' with sadness. Like I just said, I would be sad for a moment, but be fine quite soon afterwards -- and once I would hit that moment of "Hmm, I'm actually quite fine, there's no more reason to be sad" -- I'd go and deliberately 'dig' into memories as 'all the good times we had together' to make myself become emotional and cry alot -- just for the sake of being emotional and crying, where I felt that this was a good opportunity to seize and allow myself to be an emotional wreck, because it would be seen as 'justifiable', considering someone just died.

I remember doing this with my guinea pig's death, where I would manipulate myself into being an emotional wreck through digging up memories, and then looking at the memory and saying to myself "See, this is what you are loosing -- you are never going to be able to have such a moment again", upon which emotions would well up and I would cry and cry and just lay in my bed and sob all depressed and victim like, where I was actually enjoying just being this bag of emotions just laying there all 'powerless' and "oh my god, the world and my life sucks so much" -- where I basically used the death of the pet as an excuse to have a self-pity party.

So then this whole experience really didn't have anything to do with the being that died, I just found it to be a good opportunity to let out all the self-pity that I had accumulated until that point in my life (maybe not all of it, but still a substantial amount).

Looking back at how I experienced myself with the death of my guinea pig, I used this 'mechanism' to manipulate myself and others, and where others would not 'question' my behaviour, because 'Hey, I just lost someone' -- where within that moment of deliberately digging up memories and saying things to myself that I knew would make me feel bad/cry -- I felt like I was 'cheating' in the sense of using the dead animal's "name in vain" -- where I was abusing their death and their life for the sake of suiting my own personal interest as having a pity party.

So then fast forwarding back to where I am now, where I was feeling bad about not feeling bad (lol) -- I immediately went into a movement of 'maybe I should go and dig up some memories and make myself cry, because that's the appropriate thing to do', where with the last bird, I dug up a memory and I could see the mechanism already turning its wheels, where I felt the emotions welling up and 'winding myself up' energetically. But then I stopped, because I saw that this was not the point, because within digging up memories as pictures with energetic signatures attached, I'm not dealing with the actual animal that died -- I'm just using information stored within me to manipulate how I feel, which as no actual direct physical relationship to the being that just died -- and that to me was like 'sacrilege' where I was once again going into the point of 'using someone's name in vain' -- and so I stopped and simply accepted that I was not going to be crying over this death and moved on pretty quickly.
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