Friday, 5 October 2012

Day 70: Fear of Others as Myself

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 24: Life as a CharActor
Day 65: Fear of Sharing 

In my previously blog, I started writing out Self Forgiveness, because I had a particular experience and couldn’t really place it – and so wanted to just to some Self Forgiveness to see where it would take me. This blog is a continuation, where the point afterwards opened up.

A memory popped up yesterday after writing my blog, well, not a memory per se but more of a conglomeration of memories which all focused on the same point. I was basically looking at all the friendships I’ve had during my life and how I never really ‘tied’ myself with these people. Whenever something would get ‘off’ or ‘ugly’ in our friendships, I’d just back off and that was it. I didn’t like how things were going so I would stop talking to them, going out with them and then after a while they’d just be strangers to me. It wasn’t ‘immediate’ meaning, I would still talk to them but less and less and I would stop going out with them to do stuff and then one day these things would then accumulate to us no longer being friends.

And I can remember a lot of the moments with specific friends where they were doing something / acting in a particular way , showing a side of themselves that they’d never shown before and I would go “Woah, what the hell is this?” and within that moment, immediately make the decision to ‘back off’ like “Okay, I’m done here” and that was that. I also never created any emotional bonds with any of the people/friends I hung out with. When we’d be together and do stuff we’d have fun but when I was not with them I couldn’t care less about them. And if after ‘breaking up’ they would come around and be all emotional about us not being friends anymore I’d just kind of shrug my shoulders and move on. During my friendships I would also not really bother to do anything to ‘maintain’ our friendships. If they didn’t call me or ask me to do stuff, then it wouldn’t happen. I saw a lot of my friends being very engaged in their friendships and doing things together and always calling / sharing stuff and I thought it was too much of a hassle. I liked being by myself and would for instance rather read a book at home then go out with friends, I liked my ‘me ‘ time lol.

All throughout my life I kind of jumped from one friendship to another, where each time when a nasty side was revealed, I backed off and found someone else, until they showed a nasty side, and then I would jump again. If I look at my friendships/relationships throughout my life, I never had a real, intimate, deep, long lasting relationship with anyone.

In a way it was cool in terms that I wasn’t “tied” to anyone and have always been able to move on quite fine without having to deal with any emotional garbage, yet at the same time I now also see it as a pity because I never really developed any intimate relationships which could have actually been cool.

If I look at it now, even the points where the friends would show a ‘nasty’ side or something I didn’t like – I still see it as reflecting back to the intimacy point, where instead of talking to them and sorting the point out, I rather did nothing and just remove myself, because I saw this point of opening up about whatever I saw, as a point of intimacy, and I just didn’t want to go there. It’s almost like, any point where any of my relationships would become ‘real’ – where a point opens up such as nastiness, if I were to address this point, then I would be admitting to myself that my relationship with this person is real, and within that – that the person is real! And the moment the person is real, in terms of being just like me – that’s some serious shit. Because if my friend is ‘real’ just like me, and goes through stuff just like me, then this implies a point of responsibility to be there for them. And then the question arises: Can I do that? Do I even want to do that? And so far, this answer has always been No, where I don’t want to address a point which would require addressing if I were to remain their friend, and where I don’t want to open myself up because of fear and lack of confidence and where I don’t want to get intimate with people because I fear I will get ‘sucked in’ – where this “sucked in” is just my interpretation of seeing that point of responsibility and not wanting to commit myself to develop an actual relationship with another as myself.

To be continued...

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