Leila's Journey to Life: disease

Showing posts with label disease. Show all posts

Monday, 25 February 2013

Day 189: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 186: Baggage fro m the Past – when is an ED really over?
Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 1

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt/shame/regret within the context of ‘I am a bad person’, thinking that ‘I shouldn’t have done that’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I created this experience for myself within having adopted particular rules/guidelines within my Morality Character where I labelled some foods as ‘good’ and some foods as ‘bad’ and will consequently according to what I eat either experience a positive energy charge connected to the ‘good food’ or a negative energy charge connected to the ‘bad food’ and so I commit myself to breathe, stop, let go and investigate what rules/script I adopted which resulted in my experience and delete/remove them

When and as I see myself experience guilt/shame/regret in relation to eating particular foods – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the creator of my experience within my participation and development of my Morality Character and thus I commit myself to take responsibility for my creation and remove myself from Morality and align myself to Principle as what’s Best for my Body

When and as I see myself picking out food based on information linked to weight loss and gain – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am eating / feeding myself in order to satisfy my mind which is not the purpose of food and where as a consequence I make bad food decisions which I later regret – even though they were supposed to be ‘good decisions’ according to my food religion but my body then shows me otherwise and so I commit myself to let go and listen to my body and pick food / eat in order to sustain my body which is the purpose of food in the first place

When and as I see myself eating a food from the bad/fattening category and start thinking of ways I can make it ‘okay’ within considering what I will and will not eat in the future or consider particular exercises/activities as to ‘make up’ for those ‘extra calories’ where I am “calculating” things in my mind – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely trying to make up for ‘feeling bad’ and try to find ways to justify my decision so that I can ‘feel better’ – without looking at why I ate the food and why it is necessary to go and ‘make up’ for it and so I commit myself to stop and retrace my steps all the way back and investigate the trigger that set me off down this path of disordered reasoning

When and as I see myself accessing all my rules, codes and guidelines in relation to food and trying to figure out the ‘right thing to do’ while at the same time finding excuses/reasons why I ‘shouldn’t do the right thing’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am constantly trying to do the ‘right thing’ while at the same time trying to avoid it – there is something wrong with my direction as I am conflicted about what it is I want and thus I commit myself to investigate my starting point and come to a commitment/principle that I can actually stand by within what’s Best for my Body

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food – Part 2

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts deliberately aimed at undermining my body for the sake of achieving a particular picture presentation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these thoughts are not supportive and not sustainable and have to stop,, I also see and realise that I have integrated these thoughts pattern through repetitions through time and will take time and continuous dedication to stop and correct myself and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of the thought(s) and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself participate within disordered thought patterns which I know do not make sense and only serve to manipulate myself into actions of self-sabotage which I will then later regret – I stop and I breathe – I have seen the beginning and end of this pattern and takes me no-where and so I commit myself to and let go and save myself the unnecessary regret of not sticking with common sense

When and as I see myself participating within non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body where I take/look at a piece of food and start going through all the information and knowledge I have about that particular food and will weigh out the ‘good’ against the ‘bad’ within the framework of ‘will this make me fat’ – and then base my decision to eat or not eat the food on that – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I gathered while I was having an eating disorder was selective and in line with my obsession and thus this information is not reliable as I will only ever use it to justify disordered eating patterns and so I commit myself to let go of all the knowledge and information and to simply check within myself as my human physical body what it feels like eating and work with that

When and as I see myself looking at foods in terms of only the information and knowledge I have about them – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a very limited way of interacting with food as all I know is a bunch of numbers like calories and have ideas of morality of what properties of the food are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ but do not actually in any way whatsoever know the food for real but only know of the idea that I have about the food which keeps me from actually dealing with the food and basically making completely random food choices which are not substantiated in fact as I have no idea how my human physical body actually operates and processes foods and so I commit myself to let go of all that I thought I knew about food while participating within an ED and to trust my body to tell me what foods are required to be eaten

When and as I see myself meticulously scanning my body and start noting down all the things that are apparently ‘wrong’ with it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these ideas/judgments/ideals were not always a part of me and do not have to be there – as these judgments in terms of what the body ‘looks like’ in no way serve in catering for my body’s well being and so I commit myself to stop and embrace myself as my human body unconditionally and be grateful for the unconditionality of my body being here and still being here after all I have put it through

When and as I see myself repeating thoughts I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am literally brainwashing myself as I have seen and realised how this would play out in the past and so I commit myself to stop right then and there as there is no point to allow such a point to accumulate to complete integration and automation but to rather nip it in the bud and prevent any unnecessary consequences from taking place

When and as I see myself doing / thinking / saying /writing something which I, inside myself know I shouldn’t be doing within experiencing it as essentially ‘stabbing myself in the back’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can’t lie to myself and that if I continue lying and cheating on myself I will eventually get tired of myself so I commit myself to stop and correct myself right then and then and to not let this pattern play out any longer unnecessarily

When and as I see myself justify my actions over and over again and coming up with new ways of justifying what I am doing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I only use justification to cover something up which I inherently know I should not be doing and so I commit myself to stop and flagpoint these justifications to remind me that I am not being honest with myself and require to review my self-application

When and as I see myself going into that same vibe/train of thoughts that marked my eating disorder phase – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am entering dangerous territory and do not want to go there because if I go there I have to anyway get out of it again so I might as well stop right now and here and get over it as that is inevitable – and that is what I commit myself to

Saturday, 9 February 2013

Day 179: You Reap what You Sow

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an Eating Disorder thinking and believing that participating within it would only affect me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider how my participation within generating/developing and maintaining an Eating Disorder may influence others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked and surprised when I saw some of my friends follow into my footsteps – where they had seen the change within me and followed foot in the pursuit of losing weight – where an event like this needed to happen to give me a wake-up call and re-evaluate what I am doing at the cost of others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I was feeding into the same cycle that contributed to me developing an Eating Disorder and where I was now the one triggering / feeding in to others developing Eating Disorders

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated within self-destructive behaviour and within doing so directly supported self-destructive behaviour within others – even if it hadn’t been my intention to do so – it had been implied by my actions as my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not expect others to not do as I was doing – after all I was doing it so it would be hypocritical to not want others to do the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have simply swallowed “the bitter truth” as seeing my friends go down the same path where I secretly within myself “wished them luck” on the road down the rabbit hole – where I saw that the only way I would be able to correct this is if I stop and correct myself and get them out of this mindfuck before it got worse - but was not willing to give my Eating Disorder up and within that left my friends to their own devices

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not stopped myself and not have stopped my friends from participating within self-destructive behaviour such as ED because I was too scared to give it up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the deliberate decisions to not step in and prevent harm from being done unto my friends by themselves because I was not yet willing to give up my own self-harm as I believed that ED was all there was to my life and if I give this up now I will be left with nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to overrule common sense where I let fear get the better of me and not intervene where I saw I could within preventing my friends from generating an eating disorder

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have taken self-responsibility for my actions and the consequences which arose out of them where I did not do anything when my friends starting dabbling with Eating Disorder behaviour because I was too scared to stop myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seized the moment I saw I should speak and tell my friends to stop and not go down that road and explain the exact nature of what it is they’re about to get themselves into and within that make the decision to stop myself and correct myself right then and there and stand as a proper example

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Day 177: Ana - I Failed You

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 167: The Big Fall and Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and consider myself to be a failure for not having been able to push through within continuing to participate within my Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpred my "Big Fall" as the confirmation point that I am a failure and will never get anywhere in Life because I can't stick to anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed all my self-worth and self-value within this one point of pursuing and maintaining an Eating Disorder where I placed all my hopes into this one point and thus when I didn't persevere in this one point as ED I deemed myself as a complete failure and waste of space and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone and stuffed myself to confirm / affirm that I am a failure and I will never get anywhere so I might as well stuff myself to shit as "if I'm not going to get anywhere in Life I might as well enjoy stuffing myself and getting an energy high from food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have locked myself into a mode of self-defeat from that day onwards -- where whatever I do and whatever I participate in, it is never good enough and I will never be good enough because I have already proven to myself that I can't commit to something to a point of completion

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my Eating Disorder did not end that day but merely took a 180 turn where I went into the opposite polarity of 'not caring what I eat' and 'stuffing myself' where I then only cared about the energetic experience / charge I would get from eating tasty food which is again eating from a Mind perspective and not actually taking into consideration what foods would actually assist and support my body and thus still existing within a pattern of self-destruction and self-neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after my 'Big Fall' have gone into a polarity experience whereby I now stuffed myself with all the foods I had denied myself for so long and gaining lots of weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that my relationship towards food and eating was now one of 'Not caring' as if I was totally "cool" and "fine" with eating whatever I wanted and carried this attitude from a point of superiority in terms of "Look at me, I'm not superficial, I don't care about this whole "be skinny thing" just eat what you like and love yourself" -- not seeing and realising that I had taken on this attitude from a starting point of Spite wherein I wanted to push away / say 'fuck you' in the face of anorexia as if I was "over it" and where anorexia wasn't "good enough for me" wherein I took on a diminishing / demeaning stance towards anorexia/bulimia/ed to hide the fact that it was actually I who felt rejected, diminished, demeaned and not good enough in face of Anorexia as I had failed -- but instead put up a 'tough front' in order to not having to face these feelings and hiding from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a stance of 'I don't care' towards food and eating as an easy way out / quick fix for not having to deal with my inner turmoil

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have given myself the time and space to properly work through this point but instead allowed myself to drag this burden around for years without seeing and realising how much this memory/experience was still affecting me within my every day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I failed maintaining an Eating Disorder that this means that I am a failure

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that having and maintaining an Eating Disorder is not sustainable and would have ended at some point or another as in the end the Physical perishes in order to maintain one's imagination and fantasies of being skinny

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that not persevering with an Eating Disorder does not automatically imply that I am a failure, but is a decision that I made for myself within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I do not have to see / define / experience myself as a failure for not having persevered within pursuing/maintaining an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only thing I failed at was valuing myself as a Being rather than an image/picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only valued myself in so far that I could stick within maintaining an Eating Disorder instead of valuing myself as Life

Monday, 28 January 2013

Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within not having been satisfied with myself and my life, have made the decision to pursue an eating disorder in order to make my life more interesting – where I totally and completely submerge myself into this one point of ‘change’ within being unwilling to look at the actual cause/reason as to why I am unhappy/dissatisfied with my life as what is already here and bring about the necessary corrections

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within being unhappy/dissatisfied with my life and how things were going -- to not have looked at all the various dimensions/aspects that my life consists of pinpoint what requires correction and have giving it direction to change – but where instead I created an additional point/later/dimension on top of what was already existent, and submerged myself within this point totally and completely to the point that all other dimensions/aspects of my life are ‘pushed away’ and only this one point as an Eating Disorder exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within not being happy/satisfied with my life and not really wanting to look at the origin/cause/reason of this unhappiness/dissatisfaction – have created a point of distraction/entertainment as an Eating Disorder which I submerged and indulged in to the fullest extent, where every moment of my day was tied to this one point which took dominance in my life as coping mechanism where I could be busy/entertained and feel like I was ‘doing something’ and ‘going somewhere’ while all the while I was really hiding from myself and the points that required direction within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within having found my life dull and boring to have created the point of Eating Disorder within my life as a way to ‘spice up’ and make my life more ‘exciting’ – believing that this was an innocent point and not considering that my constant and continuous participation within this one point would cause it to start leading a life of its own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of changing my life and the points I was dissatisfied with, have merely mutated my life within adding an additional dimension/aspect within it to entertain and distract myself whereby my life in essence remained the same but went unnoticed within being completely obsessed and involved in this one point as managing an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within making the decision of taking on an Eating Disorder, have only taken into account the mental/mind aspect of my life/reality, where all I cared about was having particular experiences without for a moment looking at and considering the physical implications of such an undertaking, where I utterly and completely disregarded my human physical body and only cared about having a positive energetic experience within losing weight

When and as I see myself seeking out and looking for a point that I can add to my life in order to bring in new energy charges within being unhappy/dissatisfied with my life or finding it dull/boring – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not interested in real change but want to go for a ‘quick fix’, where instead of investigating why I am unhappy and dissatisfied with my life and giving those points direction to come to a correction – have gone and looked/created an additional point that I can add/integrate to my already existing life in order to bring in something ‘new’ and suppress my current experience – I see and realise that this is not an actual solution but merely covering up / hiding the problem and making it harder for myself to actually bring about change that I can be satisfied with permanently and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and investigate the nature of me looking for a project/point to add to my life to ‘heighten’ the contrast of my living experience so to speak, and commit myself to identify/investigate the cause/origin that triggered this looking for / creation of an additional dimension within my life within investigating who I am and who I live as now, and to see where I can change things to a point of effectiveness so that I do not have to trap myself within a polarity game of energy where I constantly seek out the good to balance out bad without seeing and understanding how these negative and positive experiences came about in the first place

When and as I see myself go into a movement of ‘maybe I can focus on losing weight again’ – I stop and I breathe, I see and realise that I have gone down this road before which is merely a point of distraction to cover up an inherent feeling of dissatisfaction and disappointment with my life and so I commit myself to identify these points of dissatisfaction/disappointment and map them out so that I can work through them within Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

Day 167: The Big Fall

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

Whenever I would go through a 'rough patch', I'd be bouncing around between starving myself and binging. I would get to a point where I was frustrated with myself and wanting to give up / get over with it -- upon which I would start binging.

I saw the binging as a point of 'stopping' the ED, where I believed that eating lots of food was the 'good' and 'right thing to do' in comparison and in contrast to starving/depriving myself -- while it was actually still a continuance and outflow of the same point.

Since I'd find myself in a bad spot, where I felt like a failure - I would go 'fine, whatever!' and go for whatever junk food was closest and stuff myself. But how I actually experienced myself and the binge eating was still a statement of failure, where I went from one side of being a failure / not good enough to starving myself to 'better myself' to the other side of eating lots and mostly lots of crap food as a point of 'I'm a mess / failure anyway so I might as well screw myself over with lots of shitty food -- I'm a screw up anyway, screwing myself over this little bit more is not going to make much of a difference'. So then that's how I would justify going into binge eating.

Then after I was done, I would feel bad, ashamed and guilty. I'd access a point of wanting to 'undo' what I just had done, so there puking became a point of 'going back in time' and correcting my mistake. So then I'd puke.

But even though the puking removes the food from your stomach, it doesn't remove the actual reason/motivation or the 'why' as to why I had stuffed myself in the first place -- which was in essence a point of self-disappointment and self-hatred.

All I cared about was getting rid of the guilt and now of course I also had to prove myself so then I'd go right back to strictly starving myself - back to the other side of the polarity.

I mean, the way I experienced myself within stuffing myself with crap food and knowing its not good for my body was the same way I'd experience myself when downing alcohol or doing drugs, where there was a point of wanting to obliterate myself.

So then when I eventually 'stopped' starving myself and believed myself to have gone 'back to normal' (not that I ever had a 'normal' relationship with food), I actually took on more of a binging pattern within myself and would 'spoil' myself a lot so to speak, eating lots of shitty food -- and then I would justify it with 'well, I'm eating aren't I?'. Like, even though I knew something was off about my eating pattern, I'd make it sound 'alright' because it was not 'not eating', as if the 'not eating' was the only thing that the ED had consisted of - while it hadn't, both points had gone hand in hand.

No-one also questioned this behaviour, and I was getting chubby -- but this was then considered 'healthy' as opposed to being skinny, and eating lots was encouraged and met by a smile on my mother's face, being happy that I was apparently 'out of it'.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Where to start -

I didn't develop an Eating Disorder in a 'natural' way. Meaning, when I was first introduced to the concept of eating disorders, the way it was presented to me was as a 'disease' that just kind of 'happens' to you. To me this seemed weird, because it appeared to be a purely psychological point, and I didn't get why it was dubbed a disease. Either way, I believed that it was something that just 'happened' and went with what I had been told, because "obviously" the medical authority 'knows best'.

At that point in my life, I was pretty bored . My life was pretty much normal and everything was going quite well -- I just didn't have any purpose or goal and found it annoying to just go through my days every day without it 'going anywhere'. I saw other people having a particular passion or pursuing partiular things and I was jealous of how engaged they were and having a point of focus in their life. I found myself lacking passion and commitment.

Then one day, my and my mom and I were watching a documentary on anorexia. I was fascinated by the discipline these girls had to simply not eat no matter what. I wished I could be so commited and 'passionate' about something, and remember thinking 'too bad it's a disease and not something you can just 'do' '. Then as we were watching the documentary, a lot of attention was placed on what went on inside the girls' minds and what thought patterns they followed.

I then thought, well if I can't "get it" (as if its some infectious disease that you can 'catch'), then many I can 'simulate it' by managing my thoughts and my behaviour exactly to how these girls do it. I was really excited when the documentary was over - I had something to do!

Ever since I had hit puberty, I had put on weight and hadn't been satisfied with my weight since - so it was like a 'win-win' situation, because I could keep myself occupied with something and lose weight!

So it's interesting to see how I separated myself from these points of commitment, passion, focus, purpose and discipline and then instead of embracing and applying these points within myself as self-supported -- I placed them 'out there' and adopted them within a point of self-destructiveness instead of self-support. Even though I started applying these points within a context that was not supportive, afterwards I was able to take these points and apply them within self-support later - within the context of Desteni. So here is one of the dimensions that within this whole episode were quite 'fucked', but where if you change your starting-point and direct yourself towards something constructive - and align yourself with for instance the principles that Desteni stands for as walking yourself to Life and ACTUAL Self-Perfection, self-honesty and what's Best for All - you can still practice the same points minus the negative side effects as screwing your body and mind over. So even though this 'phase' I went through was not cool, I am quite grateful for these points, as I within going through this, could see that I was able to decide on something and make it my focus/goal and apply myself consistently within it.

Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Within the next few blogs I want to walk a point that occurred a few years back when I was about 16, where for about a whole year I basically starved myself.

I’ve talked a bit about this point in one of my previous blogs prior to starting the Journey to Life, within: Finding my Desteni - How I was Able to Hear the Desteni Message

It was quite a fucked-up year in terms of the amount of brainwashing I imposed unto myself and the extent that this point completely took over my life – even more so that I had expected/anticipated (because I believed I was in ‘control’) – but when looking at it now there were also some cool points that opened up, or rather, within all of the fucked-up-ness there is always an angle of looking at things in terms of turning them into points of self-support.

So within the next few blogs, I will write about how it started, why I did it, how I did, what I realised and some of the unexpected consequences that came about – as well as writing out Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements as I don’t think I’ve written this out properly for myself before.

Pages

Monday, 25 February 2013

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Wednesday, 20 February 2013

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Saturday, 9 February 2013

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

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Monday, 28 January 2013

Sunday, 27 January 2013

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Tuesday, 1 January 2013

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