This blog is a continuation to Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately generate and participate within thoughts which are non-supportive to my physical well-being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forced myself through my mind
to turn on myself within composing, generating and participating in
thoughts which I knew did not match reality – but did it anyway because I
wanted to deliberately make myself disordered
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have
practiced having non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in
relation to food and my body, where I would deliberately over analyse
foods from a knowledge perspective and create a relationship with everything single
piece of food in my environment as to ‘twist’ its nature – where for
instance a banana was no longer a banana but had x amount of calories
and was not good for this and that and has so much sugar and it’s a BAD FOOD
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately manipulated and twisted my relationship
with food by labelling foods from a starting point of ‘what will make
me fat’ – without actually understanding how fat is produced in the body
and how my human physical body really works in anyway whatsoever – but
just go on ‘hearsay’ information about ‘bad’ and ‘good’ foods and create
a whole food religion
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have
deliberately manipulated and sabotaged my relationship with my human
physical body – where I was previously quite fine with my body as it’s
just kind of here
and does what it does – to deliberately meticulously starting to
observe, analyse and investigate my body and start labelling and marking
all the things that are ‘wrong’ with my body – again based only on
‘hearsay’ information while having no clue what and how the body works
and why particular points are manifested within a particular way within
only caring about how my body ‘looks like’ and being completely
oblivious/ignorant as to the actual workings and process of the body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have
deliberately repeated the same thoughts and thought patterns over and
over again until I actually believe them and automatically just ‘pop up’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ignored
knowing that what I was doing was fucked up as it was clear that I was
sabotaging my well being both mentally and physically for the sake of
looking a particular way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I could see what I was doing have gone and delved deeper into thought manipulation as to ‘cover up’ what I saw and throw a bunch of garbage on top of it – where I threw so many thoughts of judgment and manipulation at myself so that I would “calm down” and continue with depriving myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately
re-shape my perception of myself as to make it easier to abuse myself – to justify it and ‘make sense’ out of it so that I would not have to stop for a moment and question my behaviour
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have brainwashed myself into an Eating Disorder
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