Day 233: Depression and Denial

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my focus on ‘getting through the day’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my day in anticipation of my day being over, to wait for the time where I am ‘too tired to do anything’ and can go to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a form of depression as a consequence of not directing my fearfulness - where I fear ‘my day’ but really fear myself within my day as I anticipate ‘more of the same’ to take place and be experienced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a polarity towards the day and night, fearing and wanting to avoid the day, wanting the day to get ‘over and done with’ - while looking forward to the night where I can ‘shut down’ and basically ‘not be existent’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be existent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out the time and state as sleep where ‘nothing more is required of me’ because I’ve made myself believe that it is all too much and too overwhelming

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I make things too much and too overwhelming through my very relationship with the day and night, my relationship to being awake and not being awake - where each time I resist the day, the night ‘becomes sweeter’ and the ‘sweeter’ the night becomes, the more I resist the day - trapping myself in a compounded loop where I enhance my experiences, polarizing myself even more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be awake, to not want to be existent because I have on some level given up on myself, given up on the fact that I can change, that my experience can change, that I can be the directive principle of myself instead of a slave to my mind and emotional experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my depression by referencing my experience of fear and overwhelm, that ‘this is just the way things are’ and that there is ‘no way out’ and ‘no chance of change’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only reason I don’t want to be existent is because I have accepted my state and position as being a slave to the mind - where I am stuck in the haze of the ‘now’ of consciousness where no moment is ‘new’ as every moment is laid over and projected over by my mind 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my depression by saying that ‘nothing is changing’, looking for external change as a reward that I am ‘doing the right thing’

Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk my process for myself, despite what may or may not be changing on the outside - where I have created conditions around my process that make it either ‘worth it’ or ‘not worth it’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fixated my process on ‘doing’ as what I am doing / not doing and what others are doing / not doing instead of focusing on Who I Am 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a chore out of process, a religion - where I ‘move’ and ‘do my corrections’ but do not do them as myself, but do them from a sense of ‘avoiding damnation’, of ‘having to do the right thing’ - from a ‘I have to’ not because ‘I want to’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have become a victim to myself, abdicating self-responsibility by blaming others for the actions and decisions I have made and the actions and decisions I have not made

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and argue for my limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and argue for my limitations instead of fighting and arguing for my expansion and growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to defend my idea that I cannot be self-responsible, that I am not a creator, that I am not of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and live in constant denial of my true nature, in denial of Oneness and Equality as an Equal Creator of Reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the belief that I am not a creator, that I am just a victim and a slave - not consider what it is I want to create for myself and everyone because apparently ‘that’s not even an option’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to believe or conceive that I am more than who I think and believe I am as a character - to only see and behold myself from a System’s perspective and have stopped seeing myself and who I am within the context of Life, as a Child of Life

Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self

When and as I see myself react to someone being angry at me for having broken something for whatever reason within having taken the person’s reaction personal and going into a ‘shut down’ mode where all I can see/experience is my fear and anxiety – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that by going into such a ‘shutdown’ mode I am only taking my own experience into consideration when looking at the situation and not allowing myself to see the bigger picture and thus not being in a position to make an effective assessment – and so I commit myself to stop, breathe – work through the fear and anxiety both within breathing and writing and move myself to take all the points into consideration and not just my self-experience

When and as I see myself react to someone being angry at me for having broken something during an activity and respond to this within deciding to ‘not do the activity again’ or to ‘do the activity in secret’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting without first actually looking and investigating whether the other mentioned valid points – regardless of how these were mentioned/put forward (within anger or not) and where within reacting I am only creating a short-cut to not investigate and to not change and so I commit myself to push myself to breathe through the automated reactions and actually look at what was said and how this applies to what happened and how I can specify my application with what had been shared with me

When and as I see myself react to wanting to engage in a particular activity within fear and anticipation of someone getting angry and me feeling miserable as a reaction to that – wherein I want to move towards making the decision to either ‘not do it’ or ‘do it in secret’ in order to avoid conflict/confrontation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am attempting to circumvent the point instead of walking through it, where I rather avoid a point I know I go into reaction to rather than investigating and correcting -- and so I commit myself to stop myself within moving towards ‘not wanting to do it’ or ‘doing it in secret’ and look at why I am wanting to make such a decision and what it is that I am not wanting to face and walk through the point

When and as I see myself react to the possibility of friction/conflict within engaging in a particular activity according to my definition of that activity within going into the opposite polarity of not doing it at all – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am sabotaging myself within ‘cutting myself off’ from the point wherein I rather shove the point away instead of looking and investigating who I am in what I do and what definition I have set for the activity and whether or not I can change/align who I am within the activity and thus change/align the definition of the activity to one that resolves the point of conflict within reaching a point that works for all

When and as I see myself react to someone’s feedback within anger to something I did within fear and anxiety – where I immediately look at how I can prevent/stop such a re-occurrence from the starting point of wanting to prevent/avoid experiencing inner turmoil and conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am focusing my attention on the wrong issue, where I shift my attention/focus to not wanting to experience inner turmoil from the starting point of not wanting to get it triggered rather than investigating WHY it is being triggered and what the implications of such reactions are within my reality and so I commit myself to within those moments of calculating how I can avoid things from happening in order to not experience inner turmoil, to shift my focus to questioning my experience rather then my environment and triggers, and sort out my inner experience first to be able to then make effective decisions with regards to my environment without compromising myself and others as myself

When and as I see myself react to someone being angry at me after I have made a mistake / broke something during an activity within fear and anxiety and wanting and believing that I can fix this point from the starting point where I remain the same but manipulate my environment to not trigger such reactions / to not be able to catch my mistakes – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am actually doing a disservice to myself, as I am setting myself and my environment up in a way to give me less specific feedback in relation to myself and my self-application, which will make it harder for me to see where I am still missing points and where I can specify my application and so I commit myself to embrace the event as an opportunity to upgrade my application as an opportunity of self-change within humbleness

Related articles

• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 143: Busted!
• Day 153 - Inevitable
• Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
• Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

Day 135: Stopping the Pattern

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear

When and as I see myself receiving an aggravated reply from someone and react to this input within anxiety and fear – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to let energy determine who I am both within and without and so I commit myself to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body until the energy dissipates

When and as I see myself reacting to me experiencing fear and anxiety as a reaction to receiving an aggravated reply from someone – within wanting to go into the point of ‘it’s better not to speak’ or ‘I could have avoided this if I didn’t speak’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that ‘not speaking’ is merely circumventing the issue which is myself and my acceptance and allowance of fear and anxiety to exist within and as me and allow it to determine who I am and the direction I take and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and ground myself as my human physical body -- let go of the thought and commit myself to work through the fear and anxiety within self-responsibility

When and as I see myself believing that my reaction as ‘it is better not to speak’ from a starting point of fear is justifiable within the belief that ‘it was the only logical conclusion/step to take’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the event could have gone different ways and do not accept and allow myself to defend my self-limitation within protecting my existence as fear and anxiety and so I commit myself to stop this backchat/justifications and face my fear

When and as I see myself access the belief / thought that particular traits/characteristics of personality just ‘happened’ to me where I did not have any control or say in how I adopted these attitudes – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have made the decision as a reaction to adopt these personality traits such as being shy/timid as a coping mechanism where I deliberately integrated these points within myself to protect my existence as fear and not question who I am and the world around me and so I commit myself to not take any beliefs for granted as beliefs of personality where I think that they just ‘happened’ to me and to walk these points out into specificity so that I can see/realise/understand how I have come to be this way and let go of these patterns of limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘not speaking’ is the only possible ‘solution’ to being faced with conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is not a solution but a reaction based within fear and so I commit myself to disregard my backchat as ‘don’t speak’ and to ground myself within and as my human physical body and face the conflict/friction unconditionally and trust myself to be able to assess within the moment what would be the best direction to take

When and as I see myself reacting to a person being aggravated within fear and anxiety upon seeing the particular energy as conflict/friction being emanated from the person within believing/perceiving that this energy is bigger/more than me and placing myself within a position of less than/smaller as self-victimization and self-imposed inferiority – believing that I cannot handle such energy/such a situation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely reacting and that it is my reaction as fear and anxiety which poses a problem to me effectively moving and directing myself and so I commit myself to stop my energetic experience of fear and anxiety towards energy of conflict/friction and ground myself within and as my human physical body and re-assess the situation from a common sense perspective

When and as I see myself reacting to conflict/friction within my environment within ‘weighing off’ my options as ‘should I not speak and avoid conflict/friction’ or ‘should I push through my fear and speak’ – where I want to opt for the fastest and shortest way out of conflict/friction – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have scripted such an escape-route pattern within and for myself as a coping mechanism to conflict/friction within my childhood where I did not understand what was going on and how to deal with both myself and the other and within my confusion decided to just ‘shut down’ as the easiest way to deal with the situation and took on the personality of ‘shy’ / ‘timid’ in order to avoid conflict/friction and thus never allowing myself to effectively face and walk through the point of conflict/friction and so I commit myself to stop this pattern of hiding and to speak when I see I can speak regardless of fear and anxiety as a statement of self-value and self-appreciation

Related articles

• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• The Angels and Demons of God as ENERGY: DAY 226
• Day 228 - Working, the physical and emotion Part 1

Day 56: Fearing Myself

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 51: Shocking Sounds
Day 52: Prelude – Don’t take anything for Granted
Day 53: I Am Robot
Day 54: Reading Sounds

Day 55: Sounds as Reference

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the sound of a door opening and closing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed an additional meaning to the sound of a door opening and closing – where other than this sound meaning that a door has opened and closed – I attached the meaning of ‘opportunity for conflict’ unto the sound and created a relationship connected between the sound and this meaning as an idea/belief inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an emotion experience as energy as fear and anxiety to the sound of a door opening and closing – where I believed within myself that the sound of a door opening and closing is a ‘bad omen’ and token for conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have jumped inside myself when I would sit at home and hear the door open and close – where I would ‘kickstart’ fear and anxiety within myself and think “Oh oh, I hope it’s not dad”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had some sort of advantage within reacting within fear and anxiety to the sound of the front door opening and closing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that I was in no way having an ‘advantage’ over the situation within being in fear and anxiety, as all I was doing was putting myself under strain without influencing/affecting the situation in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear the door open and close downstairs and be able to discern that it was my father who came home – have placed myself into ‘lockdown’ within fear and anxiety and try to remain in my room in an attempt to avoid my father and within that avoid conflict

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that if my father was out for conflict then it was going to happen no matter if I was going to stay in my room or not so there was no point in modifying my behaviour for the sake of ‘what if’ – where just because of this ‘what if’ I place myself on lockdown and confine myself to a stressful experience which in no way assists or supports me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear loud noises coming from downstairs, slowly and quietly work my way to the staircase outside of my bedroom door, and try and identify what they are talking about so I can see whether I am being mentioned or not so that I know if I have to go into hiding or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I could hear loud noises coming from downstairs and trying to ‘hear-in’ on what is going on, have believed that if I can find out what they are arguing about that I can do something to change/fix the situation for myself in terms of minimalizing conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear loud noises coming from downstairs and go sit on the staircase to find out what they are arguing about – have gone into massive fear and petrification where I breathe very shallowly just in case they can hear me breathe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would be listening in to what my parents were arguing about downstairs and would hear my name – to start crying almost instantaneously and think “Oh no, not again” and go hide in my bed/bathroom next to my room in the hope that I would be able to avoid conflict this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear my father’s footsteps on the stairs have increased my levels of anxiety and fear within anticipating him coming to my room and stirring up conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created strenuous situations for myself – where every day I would place myself in a state of fear and anxiety within the fear of ‘what if’ – where yes from time to time my father would be coming up to my room and lash out on me / us – but where most of the time this wasn’t the case – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the worst part about fearing conflict as the fear itself as all the days and nights spent in fear and anxiety which combined add to more distress and unpleasantness than the actual conflict occasions and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the fear of conflict was not me fearing my father but fearing how I would experience myself within facing my father and thus I was actually fearing myself as I was the one generating and creating the various experiences as fear, anxiety and petrification and so the point was never to ‘avoid the conflict’ but to come to a point where I can manage myself as my inner experiences as this is what I really feared


When and as I see myself going into a negative energy charge upon hearing the sound of a door opening and closing within the belief that this sound implies ‘a door to conflict’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting within a programmed response pattern based on the past as memory and that this implication/meaning is a make-belief I created myself and so I commit myself to breathe, be here and let go of the energetic charge experience

When and as I see myself reacting within an emotional experience of fear and anxiety to the sound of a door opening and closing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not here but acting within and as memory and thus I commit myself to stop my participation within fear and anxiety and ground myself here as my physical body within and as breath

When and as I see myself reacting to the sound of people arguing / conflict and wanting to find out whether I am being mentioned or not – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the conversation/argument is either about me or it is not and I will find out if I am involved and that there is no point being stressed out ‘just in case’ and so I commit myself to stop participating in the fear of ‘what if’ and wanting to gain a sense of control within wanting to find out whether I am being mentioned – but just be here within and as breath and unconditionally let go of the fear and trust myself to deal with the situation if necessary

When and as I see myself minimalizing my breath when hearing conflict within the fear that someone might notice me and re-direct their conflict/anger towards me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within holding my breath/breathing shallowly I am only keeping myself as fear in place and in no way actually supporting myself – and so I commit myself to snap out of my fear and allow myself to breathe unconditionally and trust myself to deal with the situation if it were to come my way

When and as I see myself wanting to cry/break down within hearing my name mentioned within conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point within becoming all emotional within knowing that the conflict is somehow related to me – as I know that I will just feel shitty and depressed with myself if I continue participating within this breakdown – and so I commit myself to breathe be here and trust myself to deal with the situation / direct myself when the point opens up

When and as I see myself perceiving conflict as something ‘out there’ which ‘happens to me, done unto me by another’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the main point/issue at hand is the conflict I experience inside myself as fear and anxiety and so When and as I see myself reacting in fear to conflict within wanting to avoid conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that what I am trying to avoid is my own inner experience as how I believe I will experience myself and thus I commit myself to work on myself as fear and anxiety so that I no longer compromise myself and my living within fear of conflict

Related articles

• The Science of Thought - Part 1: DAY 150
• Interdimensional-Physical Relationships - Part 2: DAY 132
• Day 41: What if I become Useless?
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?
• Day 28: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever - Part 3