Showing posts with label breathing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breathing. Show all posts

Wednesday, 28 October 2020

Day 235: Taunting Myself

 


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to Anchor myself within my breathing, within my chest - within the Here moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself to fullness of the moment Here and instead keep sending myself down the highway of my mind with many lanes going into many different directions and many lights demanding my attention -- believing and perceiving that this is what is important, that being in my head is supportive and constructive - that this provides me valuable information -- in the meantime being blind to the reality and moment I am in, being blind to me here and being consumed by an alternate reality


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is dangerous to be here and not follow the ‘pop up’ advertisement of the mind of ‘look at this!, follow this! Investigate this! You may want to fear this!’ - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that my mind has my best interest at heart and that it serves me to follow my mind


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have shown myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mind does not have my best interest at heart - but only cares about its self-preservation and being high on energy regardless of the consequences to myself and others


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried reasoning my way out of my mind from within my mind - not seeing and realising that this is like trying to walk out of a maze that doesn’t have an entry and exit - it’s designed to just keep going forever. I cannot ‘walk out of the maze’ there is only ‘dropping the whole maze’.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mis-placed my trust in the mind, in the system, in separation - instead of placing my trust in breath, in the moment, in life


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the relief that comes with being here with the breath, the groundedness of the physical, the stability of the moment is ‘too good to be true’ and then sabotage myself by bringing up pictures, images, projections and beliefs that are known triggers and get me going on a rollercoaster of energy to disprove to myself that I can be here, stable, grounded and that I need to be ‘on high alert’ that ‘I am not safe’ and that I am ‘kidding myself’ by trusting the moment and life here


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become habituated to taunting myself, to rattling myself up, to getting energy going


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taunt my own efforts at change where the moment I move myself beyond diminishment and into empowerment I unleash a tsunami of triggers towards myself as if to say to myself ‘no you’re not allowed to! You’re not allowed to be at peace! You’re not allowed to believe in yourself and others! Get back to your corner!!’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become my own worst bully, my own worst enemy - taunting myself into submission and defeat 



Eqafe Interviews:

Introduction to Self Bullying and Self-Hatred - Atlanteans - Part 473
Self Bullying and Self Hatred Part 2 - Atlanteans - Part 474

Monday, 26 September 2016

Day 229: Guilty until Proven Innocent & The Mathematics of Self-Trust

The other day I was in a discussion when the topic came up of how to work with points that are pointed out by someone else.

In my own process, when someone would point something out that they saw in my words and behaviour – I’d sometimes get this ‘surge’ movement inside of myself coming up where I felt compelled to disagree and set the record straight.

This surging experience I interpreted as being a movement of self-trust, that ‘I know what I’m experiencing’ and that ‘I know where I stand’.

After some trial and error and discussions – I realised that this movement was not at all ‘self-trust’ – but an energetic experience of unquestionable self-righteousness. I also learnt that self-trust – is not an experience. It’s not an experience or feeling of ‘blind faith’ of ‘just knowing’. Self-trust wasn’t so much a ‘decision’ either (like – “I am going to trust myself from now on!). Self-trust is more of a verb – it requires certain actions for you to take.

You wouldn’t just blindly loan out money to a stranger. You’d want to know them, and have a sense of their track record.

The same goes with Self-Trust – it’s not enough to simply ‘experience’ and ‘believe’ that you’re trustworthy – you need to be able to show yourself a track record.
And that track record is your self-investigation, you testing points out, seeing what the feedback is, and specifying your application accordingly.

With being really good at deceiving and sabotaging ourselves, what I started to use whenever someone pointed something out to me -- is to use the principle of ‘guilty until proven innocent’.
I’ll assume that I was in a reaction, a movement, or some form of misalignment – check myself, check what I was looking at, what I was doing before, anything that may have led to developing an experience in the current moment and anything that led to having created my current stance.
Maybe I find something that was not aligned – maybe I don’t. If I do, I can work on it to specify myself, and if I don’t – I can use the information I tracked down within myself to discuss the point further with the person, and so learn to specify my communication (which means that in a way, something was still misaligned!)

It can be handy to have a tagline or a specific Living Word you bring up in those moments – as it’s easy to get lost in an experience and ramble over all the reasons and justifications of ‘why I said what I said’, ‘why I saw what I saw’. To for a moment just shove all the talking aside – remember the decision I made in walking this process, to be humble, to remember the dedication and persistence it takes to work through every little cranny of the mind – to not take anything for granted.

It only takes one moment of being unaware, one moment of letting something slip by, taking something for granted – and before you know it you’re on a slippery slope in altering your entire perception about reality. It kind of reminds me of working though math equations in high school. Where if you make one mistake, in one little variable that you didn’t quite move correctly – the whole path the equation takes and end result is COMPLETELY different to what you end up seeing on the blackboard as the version the teacher worked out correctly. Where it just takes that one little teeny weeny mistake to create a HUGE disparity between what you worked out and what it is in reality.

Same with the mind. If you’re not aware of every breath in every moment, keeping track of your every movement, correcting the mistakes as you catch them right then and there, unless you got yourself covered every step of the way – how can you be trusted? How can you be sure that how you’re looking and seeing things isn’t like a math equation that quietly went astray without you noticing?

Sunday, 9 June 2013

Day 213: Arguments of Convenience

This blog is in continuation to: 
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!
Day 212: Time is Money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ridiculousness and futility whenever I am doing something which could be perceived/labelled as 'non-productive' within a monetary sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of guilt whenever I am doing something / participating within something which could be perceived as 'non-productive' within a monetary sense and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must at all times be productive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have turned the concept of 'unproductivity' into an excuse -- where I have accepted and allowed myself to bring it up as a reason as to why doing something or investigating a point which is in relation to developing self-intimacy and self-understanding is not 'what I should do now' and manipulate myself into skipping / postponing the activity under the guise that 'it's not productive', while I am merely just resisting the point of exploring and developing self-intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within not doing things which require me to work on myself as a being, where I use the reason / excuse that 'it is not productive' to make myself feel 'okay' with not doing it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I don't take the time out for myself to work on myself then I cannot expect others to do the same and thus cannot expect this world to change any time soon -- as the very system of 'productivity' and 'infinite economic growth' is merely the result/outcome/consequence of our human nature which we accepted and allowed collectively and thus unless we do something about our nature, the system will remain the same as an equal and one reflection of who we are -- and thus as long as I allow myself to postpone self-change I am postponing the change of the system and will always find myself in a 'productivity trap'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to downplay the importance of self-investigation and self-exploration within the belief that it 'doesn't help anyone else' -- not seeing and realising that change starts with self and that if no-one takes out the time to change themselves we will always believe that we are unable to change and remain victims of our own stupidity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my 'productivity' argument at times when I don't want to do a point of self-intimacy / working on myself and then at other times use the 'I need time for myself' argument when I don't feel like doing something which could be categorized as 'productive'-- where these arguments conveniently pop up according to what I want to do instead of what needs to be done / what would be best for all -- where I allow energy to determine the 'reasoning applicable in the moment' to manipulate my way into always 'doing what I want' instead of using practical common sense within 'doing what needs to be done', where my preferences only come secondary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swing from one side to the other where I will either focus too much on productivity and too little on self-development, or too much on self-development and too little of productivity -- where I do not allow myself to line out a practical balance because obviously both points require to be addressed
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Sunday, 30 December 2012

Day 154: Cutting the Strings

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
Day 135: Stopping the Pattern
Day 136: Walking Back in Time
Day 137: Re-Acting Reactive Reactions
Day 138: Move or Be Moved
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?
Day 142: Respecting Beliefs
Day 143: Busted!
Day 144: Moving Beyond Self
Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
Day 146: Death of a Horse
Day 147 & 148: Aftermath - Death of a Horse
Day 149: Interpretation vs Seeing & Correcting
Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?
Day 151: My Way or the Highway
Day 152: Things are Not Always what they Seem
Day 153: Body – Marionette of the Mind
Day 154: Cutting the Strings


When and as I see myself participating within movements which just seemingly seem to ‘happen’ where these movements just come about without me actively directing and moving myself within awareness – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am not the directive principle something else is and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and identify what program is directing my physical movement and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements and Application

When and as I see myself moving my hand over my mouth within conversations/activities – I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accessing my ‘holding back’ programming and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, ground myself as my human physical body and participate unconditionally and to investigate what fear point triggered the program and to work through it within writing and self-correction

When and as I see myself pick up my scarf and move towards my mouth / place it over my mouth – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that unless my face is cold there is no logical explanation as to why I would be placing my scarf over my mouth and so I must be accessing the ‘holding back’ program within and as me and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, remove the scarf and participate unconditionally

When and as I see myself move my hand in front of my mouth, move my scarf in front of my mouth, start mumbling or experience a movement of ‘holding back’ within my chest – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise I am accessing a program in support of ‘holding back’ indicating to me that I am reacting to a fear point and so I commit myself to correct these movements as removing my hand/scarf away from my mouth and start speaking clearly to assist and support myself to get out of my programmed response pattern to particular triggers and I commit myself to identify, trace, and pin-point the exact trigger that set the reaction into motion and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing emotions and feelings such as fear and anxiety upon which I respond with particular movements which get set in motion without really knowing ‘how’ or ‘why’ I am responding this way – I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am playing out a programmed pattern designed to set off upon receiving particular triggers, where I have accepted and allowed such points/experiences/movements to a point of normalcy and so I commit myself to question every inner movement and outer movement as my human physical body within asking myself: where does this movement come from – am I the directive principle or not? And to accordingly assist and support myself to spot any patterns which I was not yet conscious of and to investigate them within self-reflective writing and write and apply myself to correction

I commit myself to identify/spot every moment where I go and access the ‘holding back’ program within myself and to correct myself each and every time until it is done

When and as I see myself experience resistance/difficulty in relation to stop the pattern of holding back within and as me and want to rather just ‘go with it’ as what I am used to / have allowed to become my ‘comfort zone’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can either continue compromising myself to the rest of my life or I can make an effort to change, which will take some time, discipline, diligence, consistency and patience – but where I will have actually changed and have a result that I can be happy/satisfied with and so I commit myself to change within honouring myself and the best I can be
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Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Day 21: Back Chat – Nothing has Changed – Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my back chat my permission to do with me as it wants in terms of how I will experience myself during my day and shifting from mood to mood

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voices inside my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that back chat is valid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see back chat as a part of “Who I Am” and what makes me – ME – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to individuality and uniqueness

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that no-one is unique as we are all just pre-programmed organic robots following our back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the voices inside my head

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that having voices inside one’s head is disturbing and should be checked out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is normal to have thoughts running inside one’s head that no-one else can hear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everyone should have the right to ‘privacy’ as ‘back chat’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this implies that everyone should be allowed to have their private room where they can abuse and have back stabbing thoughts about one another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have split myself where I am one person on the outside and another within my back chat as my secret mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my back chat keeps me safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my back chat provides me with guidance and structure

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only ‘guidance’ my back chat provides me is how to remain within my limited bubble of reality and not change into a person who acts within the interest of what is Best for All

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my back chat will only ever keep me within a closed loop where I always end up at the same point and never ever move or expand myself within me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop my back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the same back chat patterns over and over again, day by day – even though I know where this pattern goes, all the thoughts that is going to come next after the initial initiating thought and how I am going to just come back to the same spot and later repeat the same cycle all over again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that each time I participate within a pattern and repeat it, I am only making it harder for myself to work through the particular point as each repetition is another layer being added within myself which I will later have to remove – instead of seeing and realising that if I simply stop and not participate within back chat, there are no layers to be added that need to be removed later – which allows me then to work with what is already here, which is already plenty to work with in terms of walking myself backwards and getting to a point of nothingness

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I decide the direction, duration and difficulty level of my own process within every breath within the decision to either breathe effectively or not

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that Desteni has been repeating the same message, the same principle over and over again throughout all the years – where nothing has changed except the words used from time to time – where each time a new word is used to describe the same thing I accept and allow myself to be moved and be motivated to “take myself on” instead of me moving myself within the understanding of the core, base, principle of the message which hasn’t changed in any way whatsoever – yet I have not moved myself to apply it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to apply myself within the understanding of the Desteni message

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by energy, where each time apparently a “new point” opens up – which is the same point under a different name – I will accept and allow myself to be moved and “get back in there” – instead of seeing and realising that nothing has changed in fact and that this movement is self-deception as it was initiated from an outside source instead of me moving myself within the understanding of what has to be done and what is Best for All Life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if after all these years I am still not applying the basic Desteni principles such as breathing in every moment and stopping any thoughts, emotions and feelings inside myself within every moment: that there is something seriously wrong with my capability of doing simple things as these are very simple steps/guidelines to stick to yet I have not disciplined myself to apply these within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to apply myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone applying myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am only compromising myself within not applying myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up justifications and excuses as to why I am not applying myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse and dishonour breath through expecting my human physical body to work and function for me unconditionally 24/7 without giving it a moment’s consideration and being here with and as my human physical body to support me within every single moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a pattern where I will resort to breath within those moment that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined as “difficult’ and those moments/experiences which I do not want to experience – but where I will not breathe effectively within every single moment of my day and in those moments where I experience myself as “good” as these are moments/experiences that I do not want to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use breath selectively only in those moments where I want to change instead of being here as breath within every single moment within the consideration of what’s Best for All and not my limited self-interest desires and wants

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I won’t get anywhere as long as I am selective in terms of what I like and what I dislike – where both polarities require to be addressed but where I will be more engaged towards stopping the “bad”, “negative” experiences and not give much attention to the “good”, “positive” experiences

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is useless to address the “bad” if one is not going to address the “good” as both are sides of the same coin

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot expect myself to change COMPLETELY if I am going to be selective about what I want and don’t want to change

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have been wasting my time

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to GET REAL

Self-Forgiveness and Commitment Statements to follow within next Blog