Day 235: Taunting Myself

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to Anchor myself within my breathing, within my chest - within the Here moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself to fullness of the moment Here and instead keep sending myself down the highway of my mind with many lanes going into many different directions and many lights demanding my attention -- believing and perceiving that this is what is important, that being in my head is supportive and constructive - that this provides me valuable information -- in the meantime being blind to the reality and moment I am in, being blind to me here and being consumed by an alternate reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is dangerous to be here and not follow the ‘pop up’ advertisement of the mind of ‘look at this!, follow this! Investigate this! You may want to fear this!’ - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that my mind has my best interest at heart and that it serves me to follow my mind

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have shown myself beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mind does not have my best interest at heart - but only cares about its self-preservation and being high on energy regardless of the consequences to myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried reasoning my way out of my mind from within my mind - not seeing and realising that this is like trying to walk out of a maze that doesn’t have an entry and exit - it’s designed to just keep going forever. I cannot ‘walk out of the maze’ there is only ‘dropping the whole maze’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mis-placed my trust in the mind, in the system, in separation - instead of placing my trust in breath, in the moment, in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the relief that comes with being here with the breath, the groundedness of the physical, the stability of the moment is ‘too good to be true’ and then sabotage myself by bringing up pictures, images, projections and beliefs that are known triggers and get me going on a rollercoaster of energy to disprove to myself that I can be here, stable, grounded and that I need to be ‘on high alert’ that ‘I am not safe’ and that I am ‘kidding myself’ by trusting the moment and life here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become habituated to taunting myself, to rattling myself up, to getting energy going

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taunt my own efforts at change where the moment I move myself beyond diminishment and into empowerment I unleash a tsunami of triggers towards myself as if to say to myself ‘no you’re not allowed to! You’re not allowed to be at peace! You’re not allowed to believe in yourself and others! Get back to your corner!!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become my own worst bully, my own worst enemy - taunting myself into submission and defeat 

Eqafe Interviews:

Introduction to Self Bullying and Self-Hatred - Atlanteans - Part 473
Self Bullying and Self Hatred Part 2 - Atlanteans - Part 474