Day 232: Fear, so much Fear!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear and survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find myself things to do to keep busy, to keep engaged and have myself focus on anything but my experience of fear and survival - to then when one moment / task is done - plunge into a panic of ‘what now??? Now it’s all back!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my own fear / of me experiencing and embodying fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my fear is very valid, where I perceive and believe my fear is my ‘voice of reason’ and that it’s there for a reason and that I must listen to it and be engaged with it because it’s trying to tell me something important that I need to know / be aware of to be able to avoid some worst case scenario -- and yet at the same time be so consumed by the fear that all I exist as is this fear and see no solutions, no direction and only react more to the state I am in which compounds the fear even more

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and distract myself from my fears and my experiences by keeping busy and keeping engaged so that I do not have a moment to myself where I am alone with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on the one hand want to get away from my experience of fear because I ‘disappear’ and yet at the same time want to be engaged in my fear, give it attention, because I perceive and believe that it’s telling me information to protect me and I must act on my fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my fear in separation of myself, as this external entity that attacks and ‘takes over’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than my fear

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the creator of my own fear, that I am the one creating my own overwhelming experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see that I am capable of creating overwhelming experiences for and towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my fears where I will tell myself ‘let go of the fear, whether I am in fear or not, I am here anyway’ - where for a moment I have peace inside myself only to then bring up all the ‘what ifs’ I have been fearing as if to put me ‘back in my place’ , ‘back to diminishment’ that I am ‘not allowed to not have fear’, that ‘fearlessness is ignorant and stupid’ - who do I think I am to not be fearful?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the only way to give direction to points of concern is by fearing them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated fear to being responsible and considerate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fearfulness is a practical survival skill

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated fear to being aware 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to be able to list all the things that can go wrong and being aware of everything that can go wrong at a given moment is ‘responsible’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is the answer to everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that fear is justified because of previous moments / events where I didn’t know how to direct something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past shows me my future, in that the future is necessarily going to be the same as the past and that I am bound to experience myself in the same way and respond to things the same way and so I am trapped and a victim and will only ever experience myself as my limitations 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear because I do not trust that I can change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even within this very self-forgiveness defend and justify my fears through logic

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have shown myself that I do not need fear 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and defend the known while at the same time being unwilling to explore the unknown 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my fear and justify my fearfulness because apparently it ‘got me this far’ and so ‘has to be of use / valuable’ and that it is ‘reckless’ to ‘give that up’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to place the blame outside of myself as to ‘why I am so fearful’, that it’s because of ‘all of these reasons and things are just worth fearing’ while in reality I have not taken enough time, consistently, to do my writing, my forgiveness and have let things accumulate to the point where I am ‘too full of stuff’ and everything seems hopeless with no solution in sight - while I very well know that when I was most empowered was then I was writing and doing forgiveness consistently and that my current experience is a manifested consequence of ‘letting things slide’

Within this - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I could ‘afford’ to let things slide because I had reached a point of stability within myself and things were working out - perceiving and believing that once it has been ‘achieved’ it will remain there forevermore, taking only note of the end result and not the process of creation and that it is this process of creation that requires to be maintained and practised consistently over time

I commit myself to get back to what I know serves me, to the basics, to the tools that have always supported me as breathing, self-forgiveness, writing and self-corrective statements and actions

I commit myself to trust myself to get back to my real self, to trust that my experience of fearfulness is not a final condemnation and an absolute, that I am not bound to and by fear -- and that I can experience, live and express myself as my best potential both for myself and for others as myself