Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!

The other day I found an open space in my schedule of about 20-30 min and I was wondering what I could do. My body was a bit tired from the activities of the day so I was looking at doing something restful, and then decided I wanted to do some progressive muscle relaxation (where you start with your toes and tighten the muscles of your toes and then let them relax, and so go through all the muscles/limbs of your body until you end with your head). I then imagined myself doing it and became quite uncomfortable, where within me imagining myself doing it, I was 'looking at it' as if I was 'someone else' and then thought that this exercise is/looks ridiculous and suddenly I became embarrassed that I wanted to do it and then I ended up not doing it.

I then remembered how when I was a kid and wanted to do stuff to explore nature/myself as my body -- my mother would eventually notice it / find out about it and make remarks that 'I was being ridiculous' and 'shouldn't bother with these things'. They were regarded as childish phases which my mom was waiting for me to go through/transition so that I could 'get back down to Earth' and leave my fantasies behind and focus more on things like studying, reading or whatever was going to prepare me for the 'Real World', which was basically the 'Money World'. Obviously, there was no time and space to explore nature/our bodies in the world of money and was considered to 'just be a waste of time' and something that'll 'get you nowhere'. So then I would shamefully stop whatever I was doing, and be embarrassed that my mother still had to point out to me 'at this age' that I should occupy myself with other things.

Initially when I explored spirituality and in the end Desteni I always felt uncomfortable about it because it wasn't anything that was 'going to make me money' and 'get me somewhere in this world'. So I wasn't particularly open about it when I was for instance browsing through the website (if my mother would come in I would quickly close the browser) or doing Self-Forgiveness, or just sitting/lying and practicing 4 count Breathing. I felt like I was busy doing something ridiculous and should just quit it already. So now when I am faced with opportunities where I can explore my body or do things like Self Forgiveness out loud -- I feel embarrassed and ridiculous because "c'mon -- who does that??" (lol, here I now also remember all the snide remarks and comments from my friends when I would talk about things like getting in touch with yourself). For instance, at the end of one of our 'baby-talks' with Bernard and the Fetus, he said I should investigate what each vertebrae of my spine stands for, within utilizing breath. I said 'ok' -- but was thinking that I should probably not even bother, because there's no way I can do this. And the reason why I thought it was because I was judging it as 'ridiculous' and 'stupid' and there's no way I am going to waste my time on this 'fantasy stuff' and should do more productive things. So within knowing that I wasn't going to do it I already made up my mind that I wasn't going to be able to do it. And I remember the first time I practiced I was having such a hard time even getting AWARE of my spine and in a way 'finding my spine in my body', that I wanted to give up almost immediately and that 'I don't need to do this stupid shit, see it doesn't work it's just a fantasy, I'm just going to stop now and do more important things that actually matter' (though there I did just continue practicing until I fell asleep)

So even now when I want to do the spine thing or things like progressive muscle relaxation to practice being more here with and as my body -- the 'ridiculous' paranoia comes and shows its face and immediately basically be 'bullies me down' into not doing it or giving up almost immediately. So this is a point I want to look at and investigate, how things that are actually relevant are made to be 'ridiculous' and those things that don't matter have taken on Godly proportions like the money system. (Not that money doesn't matter, but that the values our current money system represents are distorted).

Related articles

• Day 364 - May I speak Please Part 2
• Day 33 - Forgive me Father for I have Sinned!
• Day 210: Blinded by the Light/Shine of Money
• Day 357 - Writing about who I am within Writing Part 2
• Day 209: Correcting instead of Sidestepping
• Day 396: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason - Part Two
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 229: Can Equality only be Achieved through Inequality? | Equality and Human Rights - Part 7
• Day 225: Equality and Disinformation - Equality and Human Rights - Part 4
• Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin

Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall 

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach 

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resisted writing about having had an eating disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my eating disorder period as me being ‘superficial’ and consequently not wanting to write about it because of fear of being seen as ‘superficial’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by not writing about ED I am only further perpetuating the taboo around eating disorders as some weird/disturbing phenomena within this world which is not yet understood – instead of seeing and realising that an ED is the mathematical outcome of having experienced particular reactions and having participated within particular thought patterns which were acted upon, resulting in ED behaviour – there is nothing good or bad about it – it merely is what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have wanted to write about my ED within fear of being seen as ‘superficial’ – not seeing and realising, that our world is superficial and as never achieved anything of real substance and within that my ED was merely one of the many faces of superficiality within a world of inequality where the nature of the mind and actual living is not understood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself and others as myself who have and still are participating within a form of ED -- without judging or scrutinizing the society which promotes and brews such behaviour through a distorted value system of valuing image and imagination over physical reality – not seeing and realising that the one is merely the outcome of the other

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that through hiding and being all ‘hush hush’ about having an eating disorder I am accepting and allowing myself to protect disorder and disharmony in the world at large – where hiding, being shameful and not talking about the problem, I am putting myself in a position where I will not talk about the problems that exist at large in society – where I will protect the dirty secrets of the world as long as I can protect my own

Related articles

• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 168: Always Just out of Reach
• Day 167: The Big Fall
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Where to start -

I didn't develop an Eating Disorder in a 'natural' way. Meaning, when I was first introduced to the concept of eating disorders, the way it was presented to me was as a 'disease' that just kind of 'happens' to you. To me this seemed weird, because it appeared to be a purely psychological point, and I didn't get why it was dubbed a disease. Either way, I believed that it was something that just 'happened' and went with what I had been told, because "obviously" the medical authority 'knows best'.

At that point in my life, I was pretty bored . My life was pretty much normal and everything was going quite well -- I just didn't have any purpose or goal and found it annoying to just go through my days every day without it 'going anywhere'. I saw other people having a particular passion or pursuing partiular things and I was jealous of how engaged they were and having a point of focus in their life. I found myself lacking passion and commitment.

Then one day, my and my mom and I were watching a documentary on anorexia. I was fascinated by the discipline these girls had to simply not eat no matter what. I wished I could be so commited and 'passionate' about something, and remember thinking 'too bad it's a disease and not something you can just 'do' '. Then as we were watching the documentary, a lot of attention was placed on what went on inside the girls' minds and what thought patterns they followed.

I then thought, well if I can't "get it" (as if its some infectious disease that you can 'catch'), then many I can 'simulate it' by managing my thoughts and my behaviour exactly to how these girls do it. I was really excited when the documentary was over - I had something to do!

Ever since I had hit puberty, I had put on weight and hadn't been satisfied with my weight since - so it was like a 'win-win' situation, because I could keep myself occupied with something and lose weight!

So it's interesting to see how I separated myself from these points of commitment, passion, focus, purpose and discipline and then instead of embracing and applying these points within myself as self-supported -- I placed them 'out there' and adopted them within a point of self-destructiveness instead of self-support. Even though I started applying these points within a context that was not supportive, afterwards I was able to take these points and apply them within self-support later - within the context of Desteni. So here is one of the dimensions that within this whole episode were quite 'fucked', but where if you change your starting-point and direct yourself towards something constructive - and align yourself with for instance the principles that Desteni stands for as walking yourself to Life and ACTUAL Self-Perfection, self-honesty and what's Best for All - you can still practice the same points minus the negative side effects as screwing your body and mind over. So even though this 'phase' I went through was not cool, I am quite grateful for these points, as I within going through this, could see that I was able to decide on something and make it my focus/goal and apply myself consistently within it.

Related articles

• Day 155: Introduction - Starving Myself
• Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 - Appearance
• Day 262: I just kept the picture in motion fast enough to ensure that everything was always a bit fuzzy
• 257. A Piece of Heaven at the Expense of Life
• The Mind Movement Character - Introduction: DAY 159

Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of investigating my experience within having taken my father’s reaction personal in relation to me playing around on the pc and then breaking this – have gone into ‘shut down’ mode where I don’t consider anything but my experience as energy as fear and anxiety and where within this close-mindedness I made the decision that playing around on the pc and exploring things is best done in secret / in a way that will not be obvious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was forced to take the route of ‘playing in secret’ on the pc because of fear that my father would react ‘badly’ again where I would end up feeling miserable – where instead of tackling the point within myself and actually dealing with it I decided to see how I can ‘minimize’ the point through avoidance/circumvention where instead of changing myself and my behaviour I merely ‘mutated’ it by playing around when my father was not around and not telling him if something happened so that it could have been ‘anyone’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to deal with this situation where my father would get angry if I messed things up on the pc during my ‘playtime’ was through doing it in secret and sometimes promising myself that I would simply NEVER EVER touch the pc again to avoid such situations at ALL COST where I believed that I will just ‘give up’ this point of exploration if it meant not having to face conflict/friction – going into the opposite polarity which is again: not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was faced with my father being angry at me having messed things up on the pc after my ‘play time’ and experiencing inner turmoil in relation to my father’s anger – have immediately looked at how I can change my behaviour in terms of avoiding conflict where I believed that what must change is my external environment and where I completely disregarded the issue as my inner experience as turmoil within fear and anxiety – where I did not once asked myself : ‘wait, why am I experiencing myself this way? Do I have to experience myself this way? This experience is within me, can’t I just change it?’ but instead manipulated my movement to secrecy in order to avoid inner conflict in the face of outer conflict, which meant that the conflict was still within me, all it needed was the right trigger – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I remove the trigger to particular experiences inside myself as fear/anxiety in relation to anger outbursts – that my problem is ‘fixed’ – not seeing and realising that the trigger was never the problem but the experience which was already pre-existent within and as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to besides taking on my inner experience, to also not have looked at how I could approach playing around on the pc without creating damage due to ignorance on my part where I did not yet completely understand what consequences are created through particular actions on a pc – where I absolutely wanted to discover things through ‘trial and error’ without first doing my homework as in reading up about computers and how these things work as other people have already investigated pcs and what is the best way to do particular things to get a particular result – or asking someone to show me around, as this would have saved me lots of breaking and screwing up things at the expense of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had the right to go and play around on the pc without getting some background first, where I believed it was unfair for my father to get angry at me when things would break/malfunction within the pc because I believed that I was not doing anything ‘wrong’ as I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to consider anything beyond myself and my own experience and only wanted to have ‘fun’ without taking into consideration how my version of ‘fun’ could create damage to others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that such events were never about ‘me’ and ‘my self-expression’ where I believed such incidents to be indicators that I am ‘not good enough’ and that ‘I should hide’ – where these points were my own interpretation of the events which I decided on and brought into being/reality through my belief/participation within them – and where I failed to look beyond my limited existence and realise that it’s not all about me and that I did not yet take everything into consideration and was creating unnecessary consequence for myself and others, where instead of addressing my attitude, I attempted to address my environment leaving everything unchanged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since my father was reacting in anger and I was reacting within fear/anxiety/crying – that because of the nature of the energy he was expressing as ‘anger’ I believed that he must be wrong and that I was right because I was crying, which makes him the ‘bad guy’ and me the ‘poor girl’– where just because I believed anger to be ‘wrong’ I did not look at whether at some level or another he has a point, but immediately went into self-victimization and self-righteousness

Related articles

• Day 204 - Self judgment and Aggression
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• Day 134: Living by the Rule of Fear
• Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being

Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won’t get Disappointed

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 
Day 89: Holding Back 
Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly monitor the behaviour of a new bird in comparison to birds of the past -- specifically looking to 'match' any behaviour points to those that either did or didn't make it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/observe Puf bop her head down a bit, and then immediately link it / connect it to all past memories as pictures of past birds bopping their heads down, where most of them went into a point of self-defeat and ended up dying -- where I upload this point of and project it unto the bird as 'what if she is going to die' / 'maybe something's wrong with her;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly link any behaviour to the behaviour of past birds as categorised in 'behaviour of birds that made it' and 'behaviour of birds that didn't make it' -- where I try and put each and every movement, sound, behavioural pattern into either one of the categories which I then use to 'steer' my thoughts in either a positive or negative direction, depending on whether I was able to match the behaviour with a bird that made it or did not make it and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to monitor, match, and classify the behaviour according to past memories in an attempt to 'predict the future' -- where I believe that if I can match and classify the behaviour of a new bird to any of the old/previous birds -- that I will be able to determine its outcome and within that gain a sense of 'control'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire/believe that I need - a sense of control - so that I can be 'prepared' and 'ready' for the worst case scenario as the Death of a bird so that it does not come as a 'surprise' -- and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am NOT in control and that it does not matter how I manage my inner-reality from the starting point of 'wanting to be prepared' -- as this won't make a difference to the outcome/result of the bird's life -- but is only me keeping myself distracted and occupied and within that denying myself to see how the Bird is actually doing or not doing as I am too busy projecting the past unto the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have embraced the motto of 'Always expect the worst, then you cannot be disappointed' -- where whenever I want something to happen, I go into the worst case scenario just so that I can manipulate 'how I feel' when my expectation doesn't pan out -- without actually looking at the nature of my expectation/desire and actually working through the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have embraced the motto of 'always expect the worst, like that you can't be disappointed' as an armour that I put around myself, where I still hope for the best yet cover it up with a layer of 'expecting the worst' so that whatever happens it first hits my armour as 'I expected the worst anyway' as a way to not have to deal with the layer below as what I actually hoped/wished

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have integrated the motto of 'always expect the worst, like that you can't get disappointed' as a way to cope /suppress my actual experience, where I literally 'suit up' with this motto over my actual experience, to cover it up and ignore it, so that when what I feared happens, I can just "brush it off" -- but I only in fact further suppress it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me putting a cover/armour on as 'always expect the worst, then you can't get disappointed' is me directing myself and 'being stable' -- without seeing and realising that this is just me placing a lid on a boiling pot, to suppress the sound of the boiling water, where all seems 'stable' and 'clear' -- yet below the surface the water / experience of myself is boiling and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/realise that putting a lid on is not me directing myself, but me suppressing, controlling and thus in fact hiding from myself '

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the experience of wanting to look out for birds / other beings, where I believe that this will be perceived as 'weak' and that I must not show that I care / would be sad/hurt if something happens to them -- where I put up a 'brave face' and adopt the attitude of 'always expect the worst so you can't get disappointed' as a way to hide my experience from myself and others out of fear of judgment -- which indicates the judgment already existent within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse worry with care -- where I allow myself to mix care as diligence and consistency with fear as worrying/fearing something bad happening -- not seeing and realising that fear as worrying is not caring, as it is just passive energy movement inside myself which in no way actually contributes to the physical caring of another

Related articles

• Day 89: Holding Back
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2
• Day 103: Expectation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 82: Self-Completion
• Day 98: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements continued 3...