Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Where to start -

I didn't develop an Eating Disorder in a 'natural' way. Meaning, when I was first introduced to the concept of eating disorders, the way it was presented to me was as a 'disease' that just kind of 'happens' to you. To me this seemed weird, because it appeared to be a purely psychological point, and I didn't get why it was dubbed a disease. Either way, I believed that it was something that just 'happened' and went with what I had been told, because "obviously" the medical authority 'knows best'.

At that point in my life, I was pretty bored . My life was pretty much normal and everything was going quite well -- I just didn't have any purpose or goal and found it annoying to just go through my days every day without it 'going anywhere'. I saw other people having a particular passion or pursuing partiular things and I was jealous of how engaged they were and having a point of focus in their life. I found myself lacking passion and commitment.

Then one day, my and my mom and I were watching a documentary on anorexia. I was fascinated by the discipline these girls had to simply not eat no matter what. I wished I could be so commited and 'passionate' about something, and remember thinking 'too bad it's a disease and not something you can just 'do' '. Then as we were watching the documentary, a lot of attention was placed on what went on inside the girls' minds and what thought patterns they followed.

I then thought, well if I can't "get it" (as if its some infectious disease that you can 'catch'), then many I can 'simulate it' by managing my thoughts and my behaviour exactly to how these girls do it. I was really excited when the documentary was over - I had something to do!

Ever since I had hit puberty, I had put on weight and hadn't been satisfied with my weight since - so it was like a 'win-win' situation, because I could keep myself occupied with something and lose weight!

So it's interesting to see how I separated myself from these points of commitment, passion, focus, purpose and discipline and then instead of embracing and applying these points within myself as self-supported -- I placed them 'out there' and adopted them within a point of self-destructiveness instead of self-support. Even though I started applying these points within a context that was not supportive, afterwards I was able to take these points and apply them within self-support later - within the context of Desteni. So here is one of the dimensions that within this whole episode were quite 'fucked', but where if you change your starting-point and direct yourself towards something constructive - and align yourself with for instance the principles that Desteni stands for as walking yourself to Life and ACTUAL Self-Perfection, self-honesty and what's Best for All - you can still practice the same points minus the negative side effects as screwing your body and mind over. So even though this 'phase' I went through was not cool, I am quite grateful for these points, as I within going through this, could see that I was able to decide on something and make it my focus/goal and apply myself consistently within it.

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