Sunday, 13 January 2013

Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions

 This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3

While I was busy losing weight, I got to a point where I was skinny, but not like 'underweight' skinny. My mom had been observing losing me weight but hadn't said anything so far.

Then one day, she came to me and gave me a hug and went "Oh, just look at you -- so thing and slender - you have achieved what I never could! I am so proud of you!"

My mom had been trying to lose weight and following different diets ever since I could remember. Whenever we would visit our grandparents, her father would always make remarks about her weight and it was obvious that this was affecting her. And whatever she did, even after she'd lose some weight - she'd still look kind of the same.

So as my mom was giving me this compliment, I could hear in her voice and see in her eyes what a big deal this has been for her in her life, which I had noticed before, but hadn't realised the 'depth' of it so to speak. The way she said it and the words she chose - it was all very specific - and in that moment I felt so 'powerful' and 'chuffed' with myself - because I had just achieved in a few months what my mom had tried for most of her life but never succeeded. Within that moment I got a sense of 'superiority', where I felt like I was rising 'above' my mother and within that I found greater motivation to continue what I was doing, to be able to continue to experience this sense of superiority.

So I experienced a nice boost of fuel right then and there -- while at the same time feeling bad/guilty because I felt like I was 'cheating'. In front of my family - which was only dinner - I just ate less, so from their perspective I was just losing weight because I was eating more in moderation, while actually I didn't eat anything at all besides the dinner they saw me eat. It also felt bizarre, because they way I had achieved this 'new figure' -- was not in a healthy manner, yet I was receiving compliments from every direction (not just my mom, that one just stood out). Obviously, the people I got the compliments from did not know the full story, yet it was interesting to see how everyone supported my 'new look' without asking how I did it, where the only point of focus was the 'image' that I had attained without looking/considering what had gone into it to attain this image -- which was in essence not a cool procedure.

After I got this boost, I got even more strict with myself and lost more weight. But now my mother was getting concerned about me, and kind of getting suspicious and agitated. I was confused about this change in attitude, because I was like 'Uh, isn't this what you wanted? You were fine with me losing weight rapidly previously, why is it a problem now all of a sudden?' From my perspective nothing had changed, I had been hard on myself all this time and following unhealthy procedures, now I was just going 'that extra mile' so for me it didn't make sense that what I was doing now was invalid while what I had done previously had apparently been 'valid' -- they were both destructive in nature. I felt like I was receiving 'mixed signals' where it kind of resulted into 'it's okay to abuse yourself to some point but don't go too far with it'.

This was something which I had kind of seen before as a general point within society, but pushing it this far within my own life, it had become more prominent and clear for me to see. This made me reflect on the nature of society and what we accept and allow as 'normal' -- where everyone has got mental disorders to some extent, like everyone experiences feelings and emotions as 'ups' and 'downs' which is considered 'normal' and 'acceptable' -- yet go and take it that 'extra mile' and now you are mentally ill and are labelled being bi-polar.

SO it was kind of sick to see how in general, being dysfunctional is accepted as long as you don't take it too far (which to me seemed unfair) -- probably because if you take it 'too far', the nature of the dysfunction becomes evident which might get people to question the design as for instance going through 'highs and lows' as actually not being 'okay' and 'normal' -- so be dysfunctional, because we don't really want to change our nature, but keep your dysfunction 'in check' and 'under the radar' otherwise we have to actually deal with the problem.

So it was interesting to see the deception of how we live, what we do, what is seen as 'normal' and what is 'abnormal' -- and how we are not consistent in what is deemed 'acceptable' and 'not acceptable'.

Because it's okay to have moods, but then if you have moods at a higher 'intensity' - it's suddenly not okay anymore.
It's fine to have thoughts but it's not fine to have voices in your head. It's okay to fantasize about sex and imagine stuff while you're masturbating, but it's not okay to actually play out your fantasies or go and be a 'peeping tom'.
It's okay to want to look nice but if you use botox you're superficial.
It's okay to have secrets but it's not okay to lie.
It's okay if you can't concentrate from time to time but it's not normal to have ADHD.
It's okay to blend in with your environment but it's not okay to be a 'faker'.
It's okay to circumcise but it's not okay to abuse children.
It's okay to bend the rules but it's not okay to break them.
It's okay to value and respect your culture but it's not okay to be a racist.
It's okay to speak your mind but it's not okay to be mean.
It's okay to be smart but if you're very smart you're a nerd.
It's okay to be lonely but not to be alone
It's okay to be religious but not okay to be in a cult.
It's okay to believe in God but not okay to believe in the Spaghetti Monster
It's okay to want to change the world but not okay to actually do it.
It's okay to celebrate birthdays but it's not okay to be self-centered
It's okay to put down your pet but it's not okay to euthanize people
It's okay to eat animals but not people
It's okay to advertise but not okay to Mind Control
It's okay to 'be yourself' but farting in public is NOT DONE
It's okay to be normal but it's not okay to be ordinary
It's okay to be nice but it's not okay to be an asslicker
It's okay to win but not okay to lose
It's okay to enjoy food but it's not okay to be obese
It's okay to have a system where unemployment is inevitable, but if you're unemployed you're lazy
It's okay to talk to Jesus but not to yourself
It's okay to get someone drunk to get in their pants but it's not okay to rape someone
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