Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2

Within the book where I made my drawings / sketches – I would also start keeping a form of diary.

Here, I would write everyday about how I felt, what I did and how I did in terms of keeping up with particular goals. I would set myself particular goals, whether it was in the form of calories, weight or exercise. Depending on how I did – my writing would either be ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ if I had kept up with my goal or did ‘better’ – and would be ‘negative’ and literally me insulting myself, if things hadn’t gone according to plan. When I was busy managing my thoughts (which I wrote about in Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thoughts - Part 1) I would also ‘practise’ insulting myself where I would swear at myself if I fucked up – I had a really hard time with that one, and it felt completely stupid, awkward and fake to be calling myself a ‘stupid bitch’ for instance. I never would previously insult or swear at myself so this point I transferred to writing, where I would practice ‘bashing’ myself. It was awkward at first, but I got better at it. The writing was always more to induce some kind of emotional response inside myself – where I used writing and words to ‘work myself up’ to get to a particular emotional state like being very sad or very angry.

After a while I would also start keeping diagrams and graphs in terms of how my weight was progressing over time – where I would have one chart/graph in terms of how I would like things to go and another one showing how things actually were moving (which was of course a different story).

So I would write, write, write – which was like me ‘winding myself up’ like some mechanical doll – then I’d have achieved a particular ‘state of mind’ which I would use to manipulate myself to be in a ‘bad spot’ from which I would then ‘push’ myself out into the opposite direction in terms of re-committing and motivating myself to a point of ‘I’m gonna do this’ and ‘I’m going to get there’.

This is where I saw that emotions are not always reactions as things that just ‘happen’, but is something that one can actually create and generate and use to influence oneself in one way or another. And within this also, how writing can be used to wire yourself up in a particular way and re-enforce particular patterns (like judging / bashing myself).

So now I already had quite a package deal for myself to influence my behaviour and attitude through writing, thinking, drawing, reading and watching. It was really quite the undertaking and required my constant engagement in either ways to keep myself going. It was literally a full-time job where any moment of non-participation in any of these points would immediately show/reflect in how I was doing in terms of sticking to my plan – where there would be drop in motivation and commitment.

This was quite an insightful experience, because I had never worked with myself in this way in terms of my thoughts, emotions and writing – and discovered quite a bit in terms of how these things can be used as tools to ‘change’ yourself. What I did not realise at that point yet, were the implicit considerations. I did for instance not look at how my ‘normal’ and what felt to me ‘natural’ thoughts, emotions and feelings were also constantly influencing me and controlling my behaviour. I simply accepted them ‘as me’ and did not consider to use for instance writing to change those points as well.

So when I came to the point of finding Desteni and watching Jack and Veno and other beings do interviews through the Portal on Thoughts, Feeling & Emotions and Writing – I immediately jumped the boat because I had experienced first hand how these points can be manipulated and used to get a particular result. The only thing that required to change was my starting-point as I had used these points against myself where I had accepted my limited nature and then used ‘what I got’ as ‘limitation’ to try and make things work for me in terms of entertaining myself within my Life and achieving a sense of ‘getting somewhere’ within developing an Eating Disorder (and in essence, ‘specialising’ / ‘extensifiying’ my limitation lol) – instead of looking at who and what I had accepted and allowed myself to become as self-limitation (eg. I cannot be passionate, I cannot have a sense of purpose, I cannot commit myself) and using writing to assist and support myself through these limitations within changing my Thoughts, Feeling and Emotions – as it was these patterns that I was participating within that were keeping myself locked and hindered me from embracing and becoming actual change.
Enhanced by Zemanta
Post a Comment