Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall

 

At some point during my ED period – I came to a point where I was quite satisfied with my weight and how I looked.

We had this one door in our house by the kitchen which had a big dark glass piece in it, and so was kind of half like a mirror. I remember standing in front of it the one day and going ‘Woah, this is it’.

And then I smiled.

And as I stared at my reflection I got sad – really sad.

It was a point of ‘now what’. I had worked myself all the way to this point and got what I wanted and now what. I thought I would be happy, which I had been for a moment – but all in all, my life still sucked – nothing had really changed. My body had changed, my picture presentation had changed but so what? It’s not really anything substantial in terms of having an actual change in your life, it’s one dimension, it’s just one tiny spec.

For all this time I had focussed on only this one point that I had not looked at any other dimension/part of my life and the world I lived in. And now that that one point was ‘satisfied’ so to speak, it fell away – and my whole world came crashing down on me.

Fuck. I was still not happy, I still did not have a life that I could go ‘yes, this is what I want, this is what I am satisfied with’. It felt like it had all been for nothing.

So then I did an interesting thing. I was quite emotional so then I went through a little binging patch and within that ‘set myself back’, distancing myself from my goal once more.

You see, the whole Eating Disorder only works as long as what you are trying to achieve is ‘out there’, as long as it’s always that one step, that one corner away – always just outside of your reach. Because the moment you are there and you got what you want, you realise it’s not really what you wanted and you’re still fucked. It’s whole design is based on unattainability. If you set a goal that is reachable, then you’re screwed because you’re going to get to a point that you’re done and now you have to go do something else with your life.

I mean, it’s such a clever game.

Now that I had set myself back, I had something to focus and obsess about once more, and this time I set the bar higher and further. It’s like you literally plunge and drown yourself into this one little dimension of your life, as if that is what it’s all about – so that you have the perfect excuse not to look at any other part of your life, let alone the world! Because as long as you’re still changing this one point as attaining the ultimate weight/image – well, you can’t really move on to the next point now can you?

So then you end up with this whole dynamic of pushing yourself, and driving yourself to get forward – and then the moment you get close you deliberately sabotage yourself so that you get setback and can continue playing this sick little game.

It’s such a trap, being locked up in your own little demon dimension inside your mind, repeating the same point over and over and over again.