Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food – Part 2

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts deliberately aimed at undermining my body for the sake of achieving a particular picture presentation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these thoughts are not supportive and not sustainable and have to stop,, I also see and realise that I have integrated these thoughts pattern through repetitions through time and will take time and continuous dedication to stop and correct myself and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of the thought(s) and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself participate within disordered thought patterns which I know do not make sense and only serve to manipulate myself into actions of self-sabotage which I will then later regret – I stop and I breathe – I have seen the beginning and end of this pattern and takes me no-where and so I commit myself to and let go and save myself the unnecessary regret of not sticking with common sense

When and as I see myself participating within non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body where I take/look at a piece of food and start going through all the information and knowledge I have about that particular food and will weigh out the ‘good’ against the ‘bad’ within the framework of ‘will this make me fat’ – and then base my decision to eat or not eat the food on that – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I gathered while I was having an eating disorder was selective and in line with my obsession and thus this information is not reliable as I will only ever use it to justify disordered eating patterns and so I commit myself to let go of all the knowledge and information and to simply check within myself as my human physical body what it feels like eating and work with that

When and as I see myself looking at foods in terms of only the information and knowledge I have about them – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a very limited way of interacting with food as all I know is a bunch of numbers like calories and have ideas of morality of what properties of the food are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ but do not actually in any way whatsoever know the food for real but only know of the idea that I have about the food which keeps me from actually dealing with the food and basically making completely random food choices which are not substantiated in fact as I have no idea how my human physical body actually operates and processes foods and so I commit myself to let go of all that I thought I knew about food while participating within an ED and to trust my body to tell me what foods are required to be eaten

When and as I see myself meticulously scanning my body and start noting down all the things that are apparently ‘wrong’ with it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these ideas/judgments/ideals were not always a part of me and do not have to be there – as these judgments in terms of what the body ‘looks like’ in no way serve in catering for my body’s well being and so I commit myself to stop and embrace myself as my human body unconditionally and be grateful for the unconditionality of my body being here and still being here after all I have put it through

When and as I see myself repeating thoughts I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am literally brainwashing myself as I have seen and realised how this would play out in the past and so I commit myself to stop right then and there as there is no point to allow such a point to accumulate to complete integration and automation but to rather nip it in the bud and prevent any unnecessary consequences from taking place

When and as I see myself doing / thinking / saying /writing something which I, inside myself know I shouldn’t be doing within experiencing it as essentially ‘stabbing myself in the back’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can’t lie to myself and that if I continue lying and cheating on myself I will eventually get tired of myself so I commit myself to stop and correct myself right then and then and to not let this pattern play out any longer unnecessarily

When and as I see myself justify my actions over and over again and coming up with new ways of justifying what I am doing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I only use justification to cover something up which I inherently know I should not be doing and so I commit myself to stop and flagpoint these justifications to remind me that I am not being honest with myself and require to review my self-application

When and as I see myself going into that same vibe/train of thoughts that marked my eating disorder phase – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am entering dangerous territory and do not want to go there because if I go there I have to anyway get out of it again so I might as well stop right now and here and get over it as that is inevitable – and that is what I commit myself to

Related articles

• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 183: Anorexia - Lifestyle or Disease?
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance

Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall 

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach 

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

Whenever I would go through a 'rough patch', I'd be bouncing around between starving myself and binging. I would get to a point where I was frustrated with myself and wanting to give up / get over with it -- upon which I would start binging.

I saw the binging as a point of 'stopping' the ED, where I believed that eating lots of food was the 'good' and 'right thing to do' in comparison and in contrast to starving/depriving myself -- while it was actually still a continuance and outflow of the same point.

Since I'd find myself in a bad spot, where I felt like a failure - I would go 'fine, whatever!' and go for whatever junk food was closest and stuff myself. But how I actually experienced myself and the binge eating was still a statement of failure, where I went from one side of being a failure / not good enough to starving myself to 'better myself' to the other side of eating lots and mostly lots of crap food as a point of 'I'm a mess / failure anyway so I might as well screw myself over with lots of shitty food -- I'm a screw up anyway, screwing myself over this little bit more is not going to make much of a difference'. So then that's how I would justify going into binge eating.

Then after I was done, I would feel bad, ashamed and guilty. I'd access a point of wanting to 'undo' what I just had done, so there puking became a point of 'going back in time' and correcting my mistake. So then I'd puke.

But even though the puking removes the food from your stomach, it doesn't remove the actual reason/motivation or the 'why' as to why I had stuffed myself in the first place -- which was in essence a point of self-disappointment and self-hatred.

All I cared about was getting rid of the guilt and now of course I also had to prove myself so then I'd go right back to strictly starving myself - back to the other side of the polarity.

I mean, the way I experienced myself within stuffing myself with crap food and knowing its not good for my body was the same way I'd experience myself when downing alcohol or doing drugs, where there was a point of wanting to obliterate myself.

So then when I eventually 'stopped' starving myself and believed myself to have gone 'back to normal' (not that I ever had a 'normal' relationship with food), I actually took on more of a binging pattern within myself and would 'spoil' myself a lot so to speak, eating lots of shitty food -- and then I would justify it with 'well, I'm eating aren't I?'. Like, even though I knew something was off about my eating pattern, I'd make it sound 'alright' because it was not 'not eating', as if the 'not eating' was the only thing that the ED had consisted of - while it hadn't, both points had gone hand in hand.

No-one also questioned this behaviour, and I was getting chubby -- but this was then considered 'healthy' as opposed to being skinny, and eating lots was encouraged and met by a smile on my mother's face, being happy that I was apparently 'out of it'.

Related articles

• Day 167: The Big Fall
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 278: Binge, Bulimia and Desteni
• Day 168: Always Just out of Reach
• Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1

Day 21: Back Chat – Nothing has Changed – Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my back chat my permission to do with me as it wants in terms of how I will experience myself during my day and shifting from mood to mood

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voices inside my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that back chat is valid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see back chat as a part of “Who I Am” and what makes me – ME – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to individuality and uniqueness

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that no-one is unique as we are all just pre-programmed organic robots following our back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the voices inside my head

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that having voices inside one’s head is disturbing and should be checked out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is normal to have thoughts running inside one’s head that no-one else can hear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everyone should have the right to ‘privacy’ as ‘back chat’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this implies that everyone should be allowed to have their private room where they can abuse and have back stabbing thoughts about one another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have split myself where I am one person on the outside and another within my back chat as my secret mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my back chat keeps me safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my back chat provides me with guidance and structure

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only ‘guidance’ my back chat provides me is how to remain within my limited bubble of reality and not change into a person who acts within the interest of what is Best for All

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my back chat will only ever keep me within a closed loop where I always end up at the same point and never ever move or expand myself within me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop my back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the same back chat patterns over and over again, day by day – even though I know where this pattern goes, all the thoughts that is going to come next after the initial initiating thought and how I am going to just come back to the same spot and later repeat the same cycle all over again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that each time I participate within a pattern and repeat it, I am only making it harder for myself to work through the particular point as each repetition is another layer being added within myself which I will later have to remove – instead of seeing and realising that if I simply stop and not participate within back chat, there are no layers to be added that need to be removed later – which allows me then to work with what is already here, which is already plenty to work with in terms of walking myself backwards and getting to a point of nothingness

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I decide the direction, duration and difficulty level of my own process within every breath within the decision to either breathe effectively or not

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that Desteni has been repeating the same message, the same principle over and over again throughout all the years – where nothing has changed except the words used from time to time – where each time a new word is used to describe the same thing I accept and allow myself to be moved and be motivated to “take myself on” instead of me moving myself within the understanding of the core, base, principle of the message which hasn’t changed in any way whatsoever – yet I have not moved myself to apply it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to apply myself within the understanding of the Desteni message

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by energy, where each time apparently a “new point” opens up – which is the same point under a different name – I will accept and allow myself to be moved and “get back in there” – instead of seeing and realising that nothing has changed in fact and that this movement is self-deception as it was initiated from an outside source instead of me moving myself within the understanding of what has to be done and what is Best for All Life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if after all these years I am still not applying the basic Desteni principles such as breathing in every moment and stopping any thoughts, emotions and feelings inside myself within every moment: that there is something seriously wrong with my capability of doing simple things as these are very simple steps/guidelines to stick to yet I have not disciplined myself to apply these within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to apply myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone applying myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am only compromising myself within not applying myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up justifications and excuses as to why I am not applying myself within every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse and dishonour breath through expecting my human physical body to work and function for me unconditionally 24/7 without giving it a moment’s consideration and being here with and as my human physical body to support me within every single moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a pattern where I will resort to breath within those moment that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined as “difficult’ and those moments/experiences which I do not want to experience – but where I will not breathe effectively within every single moment of my day and in those moments where I experience myself as “good” as these are moments/experiences that I do not want to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use breath selectively only in those moments where I want to change instead of being here as breath within every single moment within the consideration of what’s Best for All and not my limited self-interest desires and wants

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I won’t get anywhere as long as I am selective in terms of what I like and what I dislike – where both polarities require to be addressed but where I will be more engaged towards stopping the “bad”, “negative” experiences and not give much attention to the “good”, “positive” experiences

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is useless to address the “bad” if one is not going to address the “good” as both are sides of the same coin

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot expect myself to change COMPLETELY if I am going to be selective about what I want and don’t want to change

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have been wasting my time

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to GET REAL

Self-Forgiveness and Commitment Statements to follow within next Blog