Wednesday 06 February 2013

Day 177: Ana - I Failed You

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 167: The Big Fall  and Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and consider myself to be a failure for not having been able to push through within continuing to participate within my Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpred my "Big Fall" as the confirmation point that I am a failure and will never get anywhere in Life because I can't stick to anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed all my self-worth and self-value within this one point of pursuing and maintaining an Eating Disorder where I placed all my hopes into this one point and thus when I didn't persevere in this one point as ED I deemed myself as a complete failure and waste of space and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone and stuffed myself to confirm / affirm that I am a failure and I will never get anywhere so I might as well stuff myself to shit as "if I'm not going to get anywhere in Life I might as well enjoy stuffing myself and getting an energy high from food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have locked myself into a mode of self-defeat from that day onwards -- where whatever I do and whatever I participate in, it is never good enough and I will never be good enough because I have already proven to myself that I can't commit to something to a point of completion

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my Eating Disorder did not end that day but merely took a 180 turn where I went into the opposite polarity of 'not caring what I eat' and 'stuffing myself' where I then only cared about the energetic experience / charge I would get from eating tasty food which is again eating from a Mind perspective and not actually taking into consideration what foods would actually assist and support my body and thus still existing within a pattern of self-destruction and self-neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after my 'Big Fall' have gone into a polarity experience whereby I now stuffed myself with all the foods I had denied myself for so long and gaining lots of weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that my relationship towards food and eating was now one of 'Not caring' as if I was totally "cool" and "fine" with eating whatever I wanted and carried this attitude from a point of superiority in terms of "Look at me, I'm not superficial, I don't care about this whole "be skinny thing" just eat what you like and love yourself" -- not seeing and realising that I had taken on this attitude from a starting point of Spite wherein I wanted to push away / say 'fuck you' in the face of anorexia as if I was "over it" and where anorexia wasn't "good enough for me" wherein I took on a diminishing / demeaning stance towards anorexia/bulimia/ed to hide the fact that it was actually I who felt rejected, diminished, demeaned and not good enough in face of Anorexia as I had failed -- but instead put up a 'tough front' in order to not having to face these feelings and hiding from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a stance of 'I don't care' towards food and eating as an easy way out / quick fix for not having to deal with my inner turmoil

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have given myself the time and space to properly work through this point but instead allowed myself to drag this burden around for years without seeing and realising how much this memory/experience was still affecting me within my every day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I failed maintaining an Eating Disorder that this means that I am a failure

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that having and maintaining an Eating Disorder is not sustainable and would have ended at some point or another as in the end the Physical perishes in order to maintain one's imagination and fantasies of being skinny

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that not persevering with an Eating Disorder does not automatically imply that I am a failure, but is a decision that I made for myself within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I do not have to see / define / experience myself as a failure for not having persevered within pursuing/maintaining an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only thing I failed at was valuing myself as a Being rather than an image/picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only valued myself in so far that I could stick within maintaining an Eating Disorder instead of valuing myself as Life
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