Day 212: Time is Money

This blog is in continuation to: 
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined everything which is not in relation to money making and one's personal advancement within the system as 'ridiculous' and 'a waste of time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed as a child that when my parents told me to stop doing something or 'get over it already', when I was busy doing something just because it was fun for myself / interesting -- have believed that I was being 'ridiculous' participating in such activities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only activities which will directly or indirectly give me a) money or b) and advantage in the system -- are activities worthwhile pursuing/participating within and are deemed as 'acceptable' and 'normal' and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deemed any activity that will not in any way get me money or an advantage in the system as 'pointless' and 'ridiculous'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have adopted the 'time is money' motto within categorizing and labeling activities as either worthwhile or pointless/ridiculous -- depending on their relationship to money/success -- where Time is Money and thus any Time spent which will not give A Return of Money or as Success is Irrational and should immediately be abandoned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my parents' remarks personal, within believing that I as a being was essentially ridiculous for doing the things I do and should stop what I do and change to be more in alignment with what the world does to be taken seriously

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it was nothing personal, where my parents believed they were doing 'the right thing' within prepping me to become a proper Homo Economicus from a young age, so I would leave behind anything which might hold me back in the system and only focus on / develop those points within myself which will allow me to gain an advantage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined playing with/exploring nature and the physical body as 'ridiculous', 'pointless' and 'a waste of time' and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is only pointless and ridiculous within the rules and standards of the current system which only cares about money and is thus not pointless/ridiculous in itself / its beingness but only when one is trying to live by the rules and values of the money system where the only thing that matters is money and success and no time/space is given to intimacy in relation to the physical world we live in

Related articles

• Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
• Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 177: Relating Intelligence to Money, Mistakes
• Day 345 - Prioritizing my Time.
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Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!

The other day I found an open space in my schedule of about 20-30 min and I was wondering what I could do. My body was a bit tired from the activities of the day so I was looking at doing something restful, and then decided I wanted to do some progressive muscle relaxation (where you start with your toes and tighten the muscles of your toes and then let them relax, and so go through all the muscles/limbs of your body until you end with your head). I then imagined myself doing it and became quite uncomfortable, where within me imagining myself doing it, I was 'looking at it' as if I was 'someone else' and then thought that this exercise is/looks ridiculous and suddenly I became embarrassed that I wanted to do it and then I ended up not doing it.

I then remembered how when I was a kid and wanted to do stuff to explore nature/myself as my body -- my mother would eventually notice it / find out about it and make remarks that 'I was being ridiculous' and 'shouldn't bother with these things'. They were regarded as childish phases which my mom was waiting for me to go through/transition so that I could 'get back down to Earth' and leave my fantasies behind and focus more on things like studying, reading or whatever was going to prepare me for the 'Real World', which was basically the 'Money World'. Obviously, there was no time and space to explore nature/our bodies in the world of money and was considered to 'just be a waste of time' and something that'll 'get you nowhere'. So then I would shamefully stop whatever I was doing, and be embarrassed that my mother still had to point out to me 'at this age' that I should occupy myself with other things.

Initially when I explored spirituality and in the end Desteni I always felt uncomfortable about it because it wasn't anything that was 'going to make me money' and 'get me somewhere in this world'. So I wasn't particularly open about it when I was for instance browsing through the website (if my mother would come in I would quickly close the browser) or doing Self-Forgiveness, or just sitting/lying and practicing 4 count Breathing. I felt like I was busy doing something ridiculous and should just quit it already. So now when I am faced with opportunities where I can explore my body or do things like Self Forgiveness out loud -- I feel embarrassed and ridiculous because "c'mon -- who does that??" (lol, here I now also remember all the snide remarks and comments from my friends when I would talk about things like getting in touch with yourself). For instance, at the end of one of our 'baby-talks' with Bernard and the Fetus, he said I should investigate what each vertebrae of my spine stands for, within utilizing breath. I said 'ok' -- but was thinking that I should probably not even bother, because there's no way I can do this. And the reason why I thought it was because I was judging it as 'ridiculous' and 'stupid' and there's no way I am going to waste my time on this 'fantasy stuff' and should do more productive things. So within knowing that I wasn't going to do it I already made up my mind that I wasn't going to be able to do it. And I remember the first time I practiced I was having such a hard time even getting AWARE of my spine and in a way 'finding my spine in my body', that I wanted to give up almost immediately and that 'I don't need to do this stupid shit, see it doesn't work it's just a fantasy, I'm just going to stop now and do more important things that actually matter' (though there I did just continue practicing until I fell asleep)

So even now when I want to do the spine thing or things like progressive muscle relaxation to practice being more here with and as my body -- the 'ridiculous' paranoia comes and shows its face and immediately basically be 'bullies me down' into not doing it or giving up almost immediately. So this is a point I want to look at and investigate, how things that are actually relevant are made to be 'ridiculous' and those things that don't matter have taken on Godly proportions like the money system. (Not that money doesn't matter, but that the values our current money system represents are distorted).

Related articles

• Day 364 - May I speak Please Part 2
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• Day 210: Blinded by the Light/Shine of Money
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Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!

Last night before going to sleep, I was looking at what I can remember between my years of 0 to 7 – as those are your ‘blue print’ years, and within those 7 years lie the memories you want to primarily work with – because everything that happens after those first seen years is merely the result/outflow of what is placed within one’s first seven years.

I was getting a bit worried because I couldn’t immediately pin-point events/memories related to specific ages, or able to have a general remembrance of what happened within year 0 to 1 and 1 to 2 and 2 to 3 and 3 to 4 and so on – it was all just one big ‘blank space’, with here and there some memories of pictures coming up (like remembering actual photographs that my parents have in their photo albums) that could tell me ‘how I looked like’ – but I could not infer from those memories as pictures what actually ‘happened’ in those years / timelines.

So it’s a bit strange that I know that those 7 years happened, but in my mind as memory, there seems to be no direct ‘evidence’ of this, as if someone hacked into my data drives and wiped my memory lol.

Then after looking at it some more, whether really not ‘anything’ would come up – two memories surfaced and opened up. I wasn’t able to say what age or around what time these memories took place, but I’m pretty sure I was seven or younger.

Both these memories revolved around some type of conflict experience between myself and my parents, where I did something for myself which in their eyes was ‘wrong’ and now I had to be punished/taught a lesson.

What stood out for me in both these memories, was that it wasn’t per se about me getting a ‘Lesson in Morals ’, as much as it was about how Money determined my parents’ perception and thus their experience, which then in turn also obviously had an effect on / determined their relationship with me and my development as a human being.

In the first memory I had taken money from my parents while we were on holiday. We were staying at this type of resort place / park where you have lots of little cottages together and restaurant type buildings and space for kids to play. So it was a very ‘safe’ and ‘secure’ place for kids to wander around by themselves, because it’s a protected environment. They had a little shop there, like a souvenir shop of some kind, which had the most BEAUTIFUL candles I had ever seen, they were simply MAGNIFICENT and I just had to have one, how could I not have one, I mean it was just like ‘woah’. My parents weren’t very interested in the candles and just wanted to get some cheap postcards so send to friends and family to show off how much ‘fun’ we were having at this beautiful holiday place. I knew my parents weren’t going to buy it or let me buy it because they’d always been full of shit when it came down to money and me wanting things, where they would never buy me anything no matter how long I begged (and I could beg, on my knees, in the shop) – unless it had some form of ‘educational’ purpose.

So, knowing that I wasn’t going to get it through the manipulative way of begging and whining, I went for a more direct approach. One day when things were nice and quiet in the cottage, I took money from my parents and walked to the little shop. I didn’t have much information about money at that stage, in terms of ‘what is expensive’ and ‘what is not expensive’ and those things. All I knew is that things have a price tag which has a number on it, and if you have pieces of paper with numbers on it that add up to the number on the price tag = you can get it.

So I took the money (which was back then also in a different currency so I really had no clue if I had taken a lot or not) and ventured to the shop to buy myself a candle. They had these really awesome and nice candles in the shape of horses, but my money numbers didn’t add up to the number on the price tag. So then I looked at other things which were nice for which I did have enough numbers, and ended up picking this beautiful flower candle, where the petals were like flowing like a waterfall from the center of the flower with the candle wick standing up from the center. It was also pretty huge (to me), as I was mostly used to those little ‘ tea lights’. And I mean, the ‘freedom’ I experienced of being able to grab the candle, take it to the counter, give the cashier the money, and walk out with the candle – it was like woah, amazing! And so simplistic at the same time.

My parents found the candle pretty quick. It was a fragile thing so I couldn’t just ‘hide it anywhere’ and being in a small cottage with 5 people, there was not much space to hide it.

Turned out it was ‘outrageously expensive’, and what I had done was a ‘big deal’. Then at some point, I think because my mother could see my father getting enraged, she said that I must have bought it for them as a gift – and that because I don’t have my own money, I had to take it from them and then would ‘give it back’ in the form of the candle. So she gave it like an ‘innocent’ and ‘sweet’ twist/turn to the story and I went with it because it seemed to calm my dad down. My mom really liked the candle as well though, I remember my dad saying that we should go back to the shop to get a refund and where I could see my mom grab on tighter to the candle and come up with some freaking excuse as to why it was better if she just kept it. I’m pretty sure that candle is still in her bedroom to this day, and never used so it could maintain its magnificence lol.

Then in the second memory I wanted to have a nice calendar like the ones you see in stationary shops – but we never bought anything from those type of shops because it was ‘out of our league’. So then I went, okay, what are my options? So I went and designed my own calendar on a then prehistoric version of Microsoft Word, where you could pick your design and then add the images you want for that month. So I looked for the coolest Britney Spears desktop/wallpaper images and compiled myself an awesome Britney calendar which I printed out. Again – my parents found out, and were angry. I was confused, because I didn’t take any money and I didn’t buy a calendar behind their backs – what’s the problem this time?! It was the ink… I used a lot of ink with printing the calendar/images and ink is very expensive and now they are going to have to buy more ink, why do I keep screwing them over like this, etc., etc. So then I pulled the whole ‘but I am so innocent, I did it for someone else, I am just trying to be nice / good girl’ twist, where I told my parents that I had done it for a boy’s birthday present (he did have his birthday soon and he loved Britney). So this again helped to ‘soften the blow’ but I was getting the picture that whatever I do basically costs money and can be problematic. Again I ended up not getting what I wanted as I gave the calendar away to the boy to ‘get with the story’.

At first glance, both these memories seem to be about my relationship dynamic with my parents, where I do things that are ‘wrong’ and need to some ‘sorting out’. But in the end, what it is really about is money. Money determined my parents experience in every moment, and within doing so it determined the very nature/essence of the relationship we had, and consequently would determine who I would become within myself in how I coped with such relationships and information.

So even when we are looking at unraveling the mysteries of ourselves and our ‘psychology’ – the line ‘Follow the Money’ to get answers is just as applicable. Follow the money, investigate the money dimension within your Life and you’ll find out how come you are who you are today.

So within my next blogs I want to use this angle to dig into memories from between 0 and 7 years old, and obviously to also work on the memories I have written out here today.

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Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of investigating my experience within having taken my father’s reaction personal in relation to me playing around on the pc and then breaking this – have gone into ‘shut down’ mode where I don’t consider anything but my experience as energy as fear and anxiety and where within this close-mindedness I made the decision that playing around on the pc and exploring things is best done in secret / in a way that will not be obvious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was forced to take the route of ‘playing in secret’ on the pc because of fear that my father would react ‘badly’ again where I would end up feeling miserable – where instead of tackling the point within myself and actually dealing with it I decided to see how I can ‘minimize’ the point through avoidance/circumvention where instead of changing myself and my behaviour I merely ‘mutated’ it by playing around when my father was not around and not telling him if something happened so that it could have been ‘anyone’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to deal with this situation where my father would get angry if I messed things up on the pc during my ‘playtime’ was through doing it in secret and sometimes promising myself that I would simply NEVER EVER touch the pc again to avoid such situations at ALL COST where I believed that I will just ‘give up’ this point of exploration if it meant not having to face conflict/friction – going into the opposite polarity which is again: not changing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was faced with my father being angry at me having messed things up on the pc after my ‘play time’ and experiencing inner turmoil in relation to my father’s anger – have immediately looked at how I can change my behaviour in terms of avoiding conflict where I believed that what must change is my external environment and where I completely disregarded the issue as my inner experience as turmoil within fear and anxiety – where I did not once asked myself : ‘wait, why am I experiencing myself this way? Do I have to experience myself this way? This experience is within me, can’t I just change it?’ but instead manipulated my movement to secrecy in order to avoid inner conflict in the face of outer conflict, which meant that the conflict was still within me, all it needed was the right trigger – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I remove the trigger to particular experiences inside myself as fear/anxiety in relation to anger outbursts – that my problem is ‘fixed’ – not seeing and realising that the trigger was never the problem but the experience which was already pre-existent within and as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to besides taking on my inner experience, to also not have looked at how I could approach playing around on the pc without creating damage due to ignorance on my part where I did not yet completely understand what consequences are created through particular actions on a pc – where I absolutely wanted to discover things through ‘trial and error’ without first doing my homework as in reading up about computers and how these things work as other people have already investigated pcs and what is the best way to do particular things to get a particular result – or asking someone to show me around, as this would have saved me lots of breaking and screwing up things at the expense of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had the right to go and play around on the pc without getting some background first, where I believed it was unfair for my father to get angry at me when things would break/malfunction within the pc because I believed that I was not doing anything ‘wrong’ as I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to consider anything beyond myself and my own experience and only wanted to have ‘fun’ without taking into consideration how my version of ‘fun’ could create damage to others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that such events were never about ‘me’ and ‘my self-expression’ where I believed such incidents to be indicators that I am ‘not good enough’ and that ‘I should hide’ – where these points were my own interpretation of the events which I decided on and brought into being/reality through my belief/participation within them – and where I failed to look beyond my limited existence and realise that it’s not all about me and that I did not yet take everything into consideration and was creating unnecessary consequence for myself and others, where instead of addressing my attitude, I attempted to address my environment leaving everything unchanged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since my father was reacting in anger and I was reacting within fear/anxiety/crying – that because of the nature of the energy he was expressing as ‘anger’ I believed that he must be wrong and that I was right because I was crying, which makes him the ‘bad guy’ and me the ‘poor girl’– where just because I believed anger to be ‘wrong’ I did not look at whether at some level or another he has a point, but immediately went into self-victimization and self-righteousness

Related articles

• Day 204 - Self judgment and Aggression
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
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Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was a child and expressed something towards an adult / parent / authority figure and have gotten an aggravated reply to which I reacted within experiencing fear and anxiety – have made the decision within myself that it is better not to speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘it is better not to speak’ was the only ‘logical’ thing to do/ assume when being faced with an aggravated adult / parent / authority figure – where I believed that this conclusion was the only possible way to respond to such an occurrence and that I as such had not actively participated within that decision – where ‘not speaking’ was the only possible outcome as something that just ‘happened’ to me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me becoming timid and shy as a result of an event where I expressed something and got an aggravated reply -- did not just ‘happen’ – as the change happened within myself and not outside myself, and thus I played a role within becoming a timid person – where in the moment where the adult / parent / authoritative figure replied to me within an aggravated energy – I went into fear and made the deliberate decision that it is ‘better not to speak’ – not because ‘it was my only option’ – but because in that moment I made a deliberate decision to adopt the motto of ‘it’s better not to speak’ within preferring the option of avoiding conflict/friction such as in aggravation over unconditional self-expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen, realised, understood and admitted to myself that ‘it is better not to speak’ was not the only possible outcome to the scenario of being faced with an aggravated adult / parent / authoritative figure – where I could have made the decision to not allow someone’s expression within an aggravated energy to affect me and to simply continue expressing myself, regardless of someone’s reaction to what I expressed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of receiving an aggravated reply upon something I expressed and experiencing fear and anxiety within not understanding the other person’s response and the energetic charge it was carrying – have put myself in a position of victimization where I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as inferior towards the other person, inferior towards aggravation and inferior to fear and anxiety – where I decided that these energetic charges were ‘more than’ me and that I could not handle standing in the face of them and within that made the decision that it is ‘better not to speak’ to avoid future scenarios where I would be faced with aggravation or other forms of conflict/friction and fear & anxiety

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me being a timid and shy person was not something which just ‘happened’ to me – but a deliberate decision I made in favour of avoiding fear, anxiety and conflict/friction over valuing self-expression – and within the moment of deciding ‘that it is better not to speak’ and ‘surrendering’ to energy as fear, anxiety, aggravation have made this point a reality for myself – where from then on I experienced myself as a ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ person without effectively understanding how I manifested this for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the moment where I made the decision that ‘it is better not to speak/express’ – have from then on integrated this point to a level of automation – where whenever I was faced with a situation of conflict or even just possible conflict – have experienced myself as being ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ – without seemingly understanding how this experience comes about as if it just ‘happens’ to me and I have ‘no control’ over it and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my experience as being ‘timid’ and ‘shy’ in the face of (possible) conflict/friction as an automated response pattern was in fact a pattern I brought into being as myself within having made the decision ‘that it is better not to speak’ and within that effectively made that decision my reality

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