Day 239: Experience Living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my experiences as I perceive and believe that the only way to give myself direction and derive guidelines of ‘who to be’ and ‘what to do’ comes from what I experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the only way to have direction and have a guideline is to fall back on my experiences as my compass of positive and negative as what to say yes and no to depending on what I experience as positive or negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that using experience as emotions and feelings and thoughts as the morality construct of right and wrong is the only way to have direction in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if I give up my thoughts, feelings and emotions that I am giving up direction for myself in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if I give up my thoughts, feelings and emotions that there is ‘nothing else’ and ‘nothing left’ to fall back on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I do not have the capacity of common sense and considering what is best for all and so when the notion comes up of ‘give up all emotions, feelings and thoughts’ I go into a panic -- because I perceive and believe that nothing else exists besides emotions, feelings and thoughts 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a continuous dance of balancing the positive and negative energetic experiences inside myself - constantly compensating one for the other, perceiving and believing that I am 'moving forward' but really I am just stuck in a cycle of infinity, moving between polarities, where even though the 'seasons' change, I have not changed, I only think and perceive I have changed based on the notion that 'there was movement' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if only I had more positive experiences that 'things would be better' - not seeing and realizing that only the 'experience' is better but that this is not an actual indicator of things for real being and moving better - as both the positive and negative energy are an illusion and not an indicator of reality 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I am incapable of principled living which then only leaves me with experienced living -- which leaves me as a victim to the dictations of my mind as the positives and negatives I've accumulated and assigned to words throughout my childhood from my family, culture, environment - which is essentially random as it is based on the negatives and positives others had assigned and passed on / shared through various encounters where I have established my own ‘cocktail’ of positives and negatives as ‘MY’ outlook on life encapsulated in positive and negative experiences, not seeing and realizing that it is not MY outlook on life and living but the outlooks I’ve copied and integrated from those around and before me

 

Day 224: Bernard

Written on 13/08/2013

Shortly after I had received the news that Bernard had passed away and had a moment for myself -- I said his name:

Bernard

I wanted to look at what would come up -- what Bernard had meant for me -- and all I got was an impression of vastness - a vastness that went into all directions, a vastness that never stopped.

There were no words, no pictures, no memories, no feelings that could describe or capture what Bernard had meant for me, what Bernard meant for this world.

Even now as I try to dig up memories, try to dig up anything at all -- there is nothing. It is as if our minds are just too damn limited to even in any way record what Bernard was and stood for -- as Bernard was not something which could just be reduced to some memories or pictures -- Bernard was way beyond that.

When I look back at specific events -- it was not so much what we were doing or how he was doing / saying things that stuck with me, but his ever stable and unwavering presence. Bernard had a way of Earthing you, bringing you Here.

I was never quite comfortable around Bernard. In general, I have never been much comfortable around people. When meeting new people I would be reserved, first wanting to see what another person's "ammo" was before engaging with them, so that I could be 'prepared' and modify my behaviour as to minimize any conflict -- and only when I had properly gauged the other person and had established for myself how to 'behave' around them -- the discomfort would fade away.

This never happened with Bernard. There was no 'gauging' Bernard, of establishing a pattern, no way of determining the 'rules' he lived by. Bernard did not live by any rules -- he was Bernard and he was simply here. He was solid as a rock as the Principles he stood by and lived in every moment -- yet fluid like water, being able to adapt and change as the moment saw fit. He was consistent in his message yet unpredictable in his expression. Bernard was not limited by moods or things happening around him to determine who he was going to be, he was here as everything and could become any expression at any time -- purely self-willed. He could be the sweetest, gentlest man -- making me burst out in tears as I did not know such gentleness could exist. He could also be the thunder and lightning rocking your foundation -- making you question your entire beingness.

Bernard showed us what was possible if we let go of our accepted and allowed limitations as what we consider it to be, 'to be human' -- and within that he was more than 'just a man'. And at the same time he showed what 'just a man' can do, as he still lived by the same "laws of physics" that we all have to abide to. He still had to eat, drink, shit, sleep. He still only had 24 hours in a day like the rest of us -- and yet he has been able to accomplish what no-one has ever done before, he accomplished the 'extra-ordinary' -- but of course, that is only because we within ourselves had settled for the ordinary.

There will probably be more things coming up as the day(s) go by as all the things I have learnt from Bernard -- from interacting with him online and having lived with him for the past 5+ years. Everything I am and the life I currently live I have him to thank for -- and for that I am eternally grateful.

Thank you Bernard.

Related articles

• Day 450: The Power of Now Illuminated
• Day 223: Words and the Hidden Battle of Energies
• Day 458: Facts and Feelings: How to Stop and Prevent Brainwashing
• Day 460: Transhumanism: the Rise of the Machine - Part 1
• Day 452: The Depression Scam
• Day 464: Looking for Purpose
• Day 465: The Desteni Threat

Day 212: Time is Money

This blog is in continuation to: 
Day 211: Don't Be So Ridiculous!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined everything which is not in relation to money making and one's personal advancement within the system as 'ridiculous' and 'a waste of time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed as a child that when my parents told me to stop doing something or 'get over it already', when I was busy doing something just because it was fun for myself / interesting -- have believed that I was being 'ridiculous' participating in such activities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only activities which will directly or indirectly give me a) money or b) and advantage in the system -- are activities worthwhile pursuing/participating within and are deemed as 'acceptable' and 'normal' and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deemed any activity that will not in any way get me money or an advantage in the system as 'pointless' and 'ridiculous'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have adopted the 'time is money' motto within categorizing and labeling activities as either worthwhile or pointless/ridiculous -- depending on their relationship to money/success -- where Time is Money and thus any Time spent which will not give A Return of Money or as Success is Irrational and should immediately be abandoned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my parents' remarks personal, within believing that I as a being was essentially ridiculous for doing the things I do and should stop what I do and change to be more in alignment with what the world does to be taken seriously

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it was nothing personal, where my parents believed they were doing 'the right thing' within prepping me to become a proper Homo Economicus from a young age, so I would leave behind anything which might hold me back in the system and only focus on / develop those points within myself which will allow me to gain an advantage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined playing with/exploring nature and the physical body as 'ridiculous', 'pointless' and 'a waste of time' and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is only pointless and ridiculous within the rules and standards of the current system which only cares about money and is thus not pointless/ridiculous in itself / its beingness but only when one is trying to live by the rules and values of the money system where the only thing that matters is money and success and no time/space is given to intimacy in relation to the physical world we live in

Related articles

• Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
• Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin
• I am Insecure, What do you think of me - Day 346
• Day 177: Relating Intelligence to Money, Mistakes
• Day 345 - Prioritizing my Time.
• Day 169: The Intelligent Thing is to Give Up Intelligence For Your Survival

Day 128: Sigh - Part 6

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 123: An Innocent Sigh?
Day 124: *Sigh* - a Sound says More than a Thousand Words
Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
Day 126: Sigh - Part 4
Day 127: Sigh - Part 5

When and as I see myself access the belief that I do not have to consider other people or things because I am not aware of them and should only tend to my own self interest as MY experience and others should do the same for themselves – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within not wanting to consider others and how they may be experiencing themselves (as a result of m actions) I am stating that I do not want to have anything to do with anything that goes beyond me and my comfort zone, to ensure that I do not have to change and so I commit myself to push myself out of my comfort zone and within every moment and every decision look whether I am only taking my own self-interest at heart or whether I am taking at heart the Interest of All within the understanding and realisation that my participation and life on earth is not an isolated manifestation but one that affects each and every one – just as theirs affect mine and thus understand that the only common sensical way for all to be in harmony is by acting and moving myself within what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself access / play out the belief that since I have experiences and can only experience me and nothing/no-one else, that this means I am special – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that it is actually quite in reverse, where me being only aware and only being able to experience is very limited and inferior in relation to being aware and experiencing as part of the whole in unison – but where instead of acknowledging that my separation of the whole is in fact of a point of self-diminishment I have accepted and allowed myself to give it a ‘positive twist’ as to not question and thus change my current status and so I commit myself to investigate the point of ‘individuality’ within me and what this entails/implies within me and my existence and to study how I am separating myself from the whole and walk my journey to life

When and as I see myself make decisions within the reasoning of ‘why should I do it? I don’t see how that is my problem, I am not the one having an issue/experiencing a problem – what’s in it for me?’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is the very same capitalistic thought that has brought our world into ruins through the economic and monetary system of the world, where no one cares about anyone but themselves and so I commit myself to stop such abusive thoughts/backchat/attitudes/opinions as they are in direct violation of what is Best for All Life and the principle of Responsibility and move myself to make decisions within placing myself in the shoes of others

When and as I see myself getting upset when something is not going my way such as the internet being slow within the belief that I have ‘my right to happiness’ and that ‘nothing and no-one should stand in my way of MY happiness’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am living in direct contradiction within expecting everything and everyone to change for MY happiness but do not take into consideration what this ‘rule’ of mine would mean if it were to be applied to everyone – because if I have my right to happiness then everyone else also has their right to happiness which means that I should adjust/change the way I do things to not only be limited to my happiness but must act in way that is Best for All and so I commit myself to stop participating within the expectation that things should change to fit me and instead look at what role I play within the whole and make sure that my actions are not stemming from a stance of inequality

I commit myself to change my values within walking my Journey to Life to stand as Life being the only real value on Earth and have Equality as what is Best for All to be my guiding principle within every moment

When and as I see myself access the belief that ‘I am a good person’ because I once in a while will not have backchat just about myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am deluding myself within believing that because I have reactions that not just consider me that this means that ‘I am a good person’ while most of the time I am only consumed by my own self-interest and thus inherently evil and will use ‘positivity’ to cover up the evil in me and so I commit myself to investigate and explore what it is to actually care about life and not live an existent limited to only my self-interest

Related articles

• Day 126: Sigh - Part 5
• Day 126: Sigh - Part 4
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 97: Don't you just LOVE Complaining? - Part 2
• Day 124: *Sigh* - a Sound says More than a Thousand Words