Day 236: Getting Ahead of Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HATE THIS EXPERIENCE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get rid of the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to understand the experience I am in, I just want it GONE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for the experience that I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself that I am not getting out of this experience 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that it is useless to do self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the self forgiveness I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being in a point of negativity, for being negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a mind experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that my current experience and point I am walking invalidates all of who I am 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am never going to move out of this experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and the experience I am in

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk this point truly, because of the shame and judgment involved, any effort or attempt has only been to get rid off and get away from the experience, to get back to a sense of ‘normality’ when this point was not present or at least not active / activated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I cannot ‘afford’ to walk this point, that it just needs to be ‘gone and done’ 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have made everything about ‘the destination’ - of where I think I should be of where I think I should be at - wanting to be there without walking the process, the journey

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get ahead of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to skip ahead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to walk the physical process of walking a point through

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be patient with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not allowed to be patient with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and live in a state of urgency, where I perceive and believe that I need to change NOW, things have to move and change NOW and every day that things are still the same I perceive and believe as a judgment and failure on my part

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to want to walk the process of 1 + 1 + 1 +1 - denying the process of creation and only being fixated on the outcome / end result

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fixating on the outcome / end result without giving attention to the process of creation is pointless and shows how much I have been stuck in my mind dimension where everything is ‘instant’, expecting physical reality to match my imagination - where I can see and conceptualize my correction, my living potential - but it’s not here YET, where I get hung up on the fact that I can see it but it’s not yet manifested as a reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my own experience and points worse for myself by constantly comparing myself to the potential that I see and envision for myself, reacting that I am not yet there or rather that it’s not yet ‘here’ and within that add more fuel to the fire, add more energy to the experience I am already in and blowing it out of proportion

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to hold the potential I can see for myself as a seed within me that I nurture within myself - to in every day and every moment ask myself: how can I nurture this seed? What is the + 1 that will assist and support me right here, right now to assist in the creation and manifestation process of my potential - to focus on what is Here and what is in my Reach to work with - rather than getting stuck in future projections and imaginations and build up more energy/friction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into a drop after writing this - not believing in myself, not wanting to give myself a chance

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the drop was created because I had a moment of hesitation, a moment of doubt a moment of postponement and did not immediately act on the statement that I wrote out for myself

Day 113: Food & The Religion of Self - Part 1

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 112: Food Preferences - Body or Mind?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that I hate cucumber

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my belief that "I hate cucumber" was justified, because of the repulsion I would experience in my mind, and the repulsion I would experience in my body that wanted to puke out the cucumber

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of likes and dislikes towards food -- but simply accepted that "I like this and that" and "I hate this and that" I thought it to be 'who I am' and part of what 'makes me unique' as a person

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of likes and dislikes towards food -- even when it is clear that this is a very strange phenomenon, seeing that each person in my family has got their different 'likes' and 'dislikes', without this being a shared point -- where two people eating the same food, one can like it and one can dislike it -- but if the food is the same and the person is different, then the point obviously lies in the person, and not in 'reality', as this would be conflicting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the point of food preference for granted, where I believed that if I don't like cucumber now, I am not ever going to like it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that the nature of the problem I experienced with cucumber was a physical point, while all the while it was an emotional point -- where I even at some point when to my doctor to see if there was something in common in the foods I didn't like that stimulated the puke response -- upon which my doctor said no but that I should just avoid those foods if they evoke such a response and laughed at the notion that maybe it was a "psychological" point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge towards cucumber without having a valid reason for it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been convinced of 'my right to judge' within experiencing disgust towards cucumber whenever I would smell it and taste -- where others would tell me to 'just eat it' to see if I would not like it and I didn't, and then used this to 'validate' my belief/opinion/idea/judgment about cucumber

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to find out/investigate where the intense experience/emotion of disgust comes from and thought it to be normal to have such extreme emotional experience towards something as ordinary as cucumber

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that food likes and dislikes must be created at some point and thus to trace back this experience -- where instead I waited for years and years before I asked the question, and after I asked it: I got an immediate answer

Day 112: Food Preferences - Body or Mind?

Back when I lived in Belgium, I had a lot of issues with food, where I didn't like most vegetables except for carrots. With some of them just the smell or taste would get me to a point of what I call "puking spasms" where, my throat constricts, my stomach jumps and stomach acid would kind of 'splush up' for a moment.

So whenever I could, I would avoid vegetables.

At home, my parents would 'force me' to eat my vegetables, saying I would sit at the table until I was done or my dad would become outraged by me not eating my vegetables. I would then either cut my veggies into smaller pieces and swallow them with water or close my nose to diminish the taste -- or wait for them to leave while I "sit at the table until I am done" and put some veggies in a paper napkin and go to the toilet every 20 minutes, flushing it down.

Dinners and lunch at family were also not pleasant, because my parents would insist I eat everything because it's 'not polite'.

I then also noticed after a while that if I just swallow my vegetables, when I would go to the toilet, they would come out looking the same as they came in -- my body hadn't been able to process it. So then I tried to convince my mom to stop force feeding me because even if I took it in, it was just coming out the same -- so what's the point?

Then, when I moved to the Desteni Farm in South Africa, there was no such 'pressure' present in terms of food. I could eat what I wanted and not eat things if I didn't want to. It was then that I actually tried out more foods, and slowly but surely I started eating more and more vegetables and actually being fine eating them. I don't think have I've had any food related 'puke spams' during my stay here, which has now been almost 4 years.

The only vegetable which seems to persist in terms of be being disgusted by it: is cucumber.

I can't stand the smell and taste of it, and I just want to spit it out when chewing it.

Then today, me and Maite were making some lunch and she took out one for the cucumbers from the garden out of the fridge. I asked her for a slice to try it out, and then I first kind of just kept it in front of me and flapped it around a bit, and as I was doing then I was asking myself "What is it with cucumber? Why is this still an issue?"

Then, I moved the cucumber slice closer to my face and smelled it.

A memory then popped up, of my sister having lunch back in Belgium when we were young, and she was having cucumber with her food, and my mom as well. In the memory, I was having the same experience of 'disgust' that I would experience nowadays towards cucumber, towards my sister and mom in general.

When I was young, me and my sister couldn't stand each other, I hated her and she irritated the shit out of me. In the memory she was making her food and eating in a particular way that heightened my 'disgust' towards her -- while the smell of cucumber was in the air. So as this memory flashed, and I look at it, I went "Oh my god, it was never the cucumber!!" I had simply connected my experience of hate and disgust towards my sister to the smell of cucumber -- and then to cucumber in its entirety.

Once again, this proved to me, how we are just Organic Robots, who collect various data and 'make something out of it'. I mean, WTF -- I spent my whole life hating cucumber and not eating cucumber, for what? Because in one memory I had an intense experience of disgust towards someone, and the cucumber happened to be there at the wrong place, at the wrong time -- and became the victim of lifelong judgment and disgust.

The whole point of 'change of environment', where I moved to the farm, also indicates that basically all my resistances were mind based, and connected to my upbringing and how I developed my relationship with food at home.

It really makes you question what makes 'you', 'you' -- and puts to the challenge your whole identity. I mean, I TRULY believed that cucumber was disgusting, I was completely convinced that this was 'a reality'. And now it just turns out to be a figment of my imagination, based on ONE MEMORY, just ONE MEMORY.

How much do we really know, how much can we really confirm as 'being real' -- when we can be completely biased and mislead by such a simple, singular point.

It really emphasises the point of not taking anything for granted, and to really investigate and test out whatever it is you believe, and anything you think to be 'real'. If a conviction such as this is an illusion, then how much more of your mind can you actually trust?

Desteni is the ultimate test -- do you have the courage to take it?

Related articles

• Day 134: Worldwide FOOD SCAM Exposed!
• Day 181 - Memories the present kept imprisoned in the cells
• Day 202: Ascension
• Day 215: The Soul, Ascension and Life after Death - ADC - Part 63

Day 87: Waking Up from a Dream

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
Day 84: Vengeance is Mine 
Day 85: No More Grudges 
Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again! 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I was small and got angry at my family, to go and write their name down in a little book under ‘people who I am never going to talk to again’ – as a to achieve ‘payback’ for the experience which I took personal and blamed them for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that writing down people’s name in a book under ‘people I am never going to talk to again’ – was an actual solution to my experience / how I felt in relation to family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘not ever talking to people again’ was a solution to me feeling bad / offended / embarrassed / ridiculed – while it was clear that I would not be able to maintain “commitment” and that this in no way altered the nature of me and how I reacted to others within embarrassment / ridicule

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten angry when it was pointed out to me how ridiculous my ‘coping mechanism’ was – where instead of seeing and realising that it is ridiculous/not working and actually investigating my experience and how it came about – I only got more angry and went further into blame

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of anger / feeling wronged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have specified my ‘blackbook’ technique, whereby I no longer placed people’s names in an actual physical book and promise that I would “never talk to them again” – but instead placed them in my ‘mental’ blackbook and made a note to exploit any future event that I can where I can make them feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten angry when I woke up from a dream where my sister killed my guinea pig and believed that this dream was telling me something about my sister as ‘who she really is’ – where I went into anger and hate and held on to it for several days, within the belief that she actually killed my guinea pig and that she was the actual cause for the experience of anger and hate within me – without seeing and realising that it was all me as all these points only ever took place in a dream, MY dream – and so I am the creator and the slave of my own creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the dream where my sister killed my guinea pig and used it as an excuse/justification as to why it is ‘okay’ to hate her – as my dream had “shown” me what a bitch she really is, and so it is totally okay to hate her and be mean to her

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the dream was actually telling me the opposite, where it is not okay and justifiable to hate / be angry at my sister as everything that happened within the dream was of my own doing / creation as well as how I experienced myself within the dream and after the dream upon waking up – where the dream was showing me that even with my actual sister being removed from the picture, I will still end up creating the same scenarios for myself and creating the same experiences – and thus it was up to me to investigate these experiences and find out how they came about and how I can correct them

When and as I see myself wanting to place people’s names into my mental ‘blackbook’ for future payback – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am deflecting from the actual issue within focusing all my attention unto others – and so I commit myself to bring the point back to myself and investigate the point for which I am blaming another and correct it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself believing that payback is an actual solution – other than making me feel better – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am seeking / reaching for a quick fix, where I want to ‘feel better’ about myself without having to actual look at how I created my experience for myself and so I commit myself to stop, breathe – bring myself here as my human physical body and commit myself to investigate how my reaction / pattern got triggered and re-pattern myself within alignment of what is best for all life

When and as I see myself making commitment/promises that I cannot possible keep – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am making these promises/commitments from the starting point of energy as they are not practical within the realm of the physical and so I commit myself to stop, investigate the nature of myself starting point and correct myself

When and as I see myself going into an emotional charge of being angry or feeling wronged – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that it does not serve me, nor anyone else, to hold on to these emotions and so I commit myself to within a singular breath let go of the energy, ground myself here as my human physical body – and walk

When and as I see myself waking up from a dream where something happened and I took someone’s behaviour in my dream personal – and then modify/change my behaviour towards this person in actual physical reality ‘as if’ they really did it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this experience is revealing to me the extent that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experience and within that I commit myself to use this as an opportunity to take responsibility for my inner experience and to investigate what the specific person represents within me and walk the point within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself having had a dream about a particular person which re-enforces my already existent idea about that person which I act out on within my waking time – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have created an idea/opinion about another which requires serious sorting-out and so I commit myself to investigate the ideas/beliefs/perceptions I have created around a specific person and bring these points back to myself within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself waking up from a dream within a particular state of energy – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this only further re-confirms that I am the creator of my own experiences and so I commit myself to take responsibility for my inner reality and to dissect whatever dream I just had as this dream obviously revealed to me a pattern to be investigated, as the dream indicate a point where I am still allowing myself to be directed by energy

Related articles

• Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
• Day 85: No More Grudges
• Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again!
• Day 114: The Dream Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 50: Here -- Yet Lightyears away

Day 86: I'm Never going to Talk to you Again!

This blog is related to:
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
Day 84: Vengeance is Mine 
Day 85: No More Grudges 

As I was writing out my blog yesterday, two memories popped up in relation to the point I was working on.

The first one, was in relation to taking things personal and wanting to get 'payback' for my experience. Specifically, how I saw how I would 'mentally' put people on my 'blacklist' / 'blackbook' as a reminder that those people deserve payback.

When I was small and I just started being able to write, I kept a little colouring book in my drawer. In this colouring book, I would keep a list of all the people I would never talk to again, as a way to 'get back' at them.

This list mostly consisted of my family members and maybe some people at school.

I would for instance get really angry at my brother or sister, where something happened and I felt embarrased/ridiculed -- and then I would get all red in the face and say "I'm never going to speak to you again!!!" I would then run up the stairs to my room, take out my little bookie and write their name on the list.

To my "surprise", I would usually find their name already being written at the bottom of the list, upon which I only got angries because that meant that at some point in the past they had already 'done something unto me', where I told myself as was not ever going to talk to them again in response to that -- and that I had forgotten about it / did not stick to my commitment of not talking to them again -- which then obviously showed that my little 'technique' wasn't working at all and was completely useless. I would however still write their name down and move on with my day.

Then, for instance 15 min later, I would walk down the stairs and pass my brother who was busy on the pc, asking me what the time was -- and I'd reply something like "It's 3.15". He'd then get a grin on his face and go "HA-HA" (kind of like Nelson in the Simpsons) -- and then what just happened would dawn upon me: I just talked to him!

I'd get angry instantly, and go "I HATE YOU!!!!" -- while obviously I was angry at myself because I was embarrased that I'd just broken the promise that I was never going to talk to him again, which showed to be a ridiculous thing to do as I couldn't practically set myself up to never talk to my brother again, as we lived in the same household and I actually quite liked him / spend time with him in general.

What's also interesting was that I had actually forgotten all about the even 15 min after it happened, where I was just normal within walking down the stairs and telling him the time, until he pointed out that I just broke my own promise. Which means that in essense, whatever happened was never really a big deal, but that how I decided to deal with was just not a practical way of dealing with things, which then backfired at myself.

Within this memory 'popping up', it was also interesting to see how previously when working on my other blogs, and the point of 'putting people in my blackbook' opened up -- that I actually really used to do this, in terms of writing out their names as "I'm never going to speak to you again". Where this 'technique' proved to be innefective, and as I got older, I perfected my technique my 'blacklisting' them inside my mind, as making a mental note for later in the future to take any opportunity that I can to make them feel bad -- which actually worked in contrast to "not ever speaking to someone again". Obviously, it didn't "actually" work -- where yes, I got my revenge/payback but the actual point as the source/origin of my problems as how I experienced myself was never sorted out, as this never had anything to do with them.

The other memory which 'popped up', was in relation to the point/belief that other people cause/create experiences inside ourselves.

Here, I had dreamt that my sister had killed my guinea pig, and I was completely devastated and angry that she had killed him. I woke up right after the dream, and the first thing I saw as I opened my eyes, was my sister sleeping on the other side of the room. And I remember squeezing my eyes together and thinking "You bitch, you killed my guinea pig-- you are going to pay for this". Where I believed that because I dreamt that she had killed my guinea pig, that it was 'as if' she actually killed my guinea pig -- which was obviously not true. For the next few days, I would be distant around my sister and squeeze my eyes at her from time to time to show that point of "I remember what you did..." So here, what this experience/event actually shows, is that people DO NOT cause/create experience inside oneself -- as my dream clearly indicated. Because at that time it was quite clear that dreams are my own creation, as in they exist isolated in my mind, and so whatever happens there and whatever I experience -- is of my own doing/creation. But instead of using this event as an opportunity to see/realise that any experience inside myself is of my own doing -- I used it as another/excuse justification as to why it is 'okay' and 'justifiable' for me to hate my sister -- and thus why it is 'okay' and 'justifiable' to blame other people and not take self-responsibility for one's inner reality.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
• Day 85: No More Grudges
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
• Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
• Day 17: Betrayal - Anger and Me - Part 2
• Day 20: Angry People - Anger and Me - Part 5
• Day 29: Fear of Speaking - Part 1
• Day 114: The Dream Character Self Forgiveness Statements

Day 17: Betrayal – Anger and Me – Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt angry and betrayed when I heard people talk behind my back about something I did while I was playing on my own, where it was said that it was childish and that they can’t believe I’m still occupying myself with these type of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt hurt within myself when I heard them talk about my back and judge me for what I did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself for what I did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone all red in my face, where I felt raging anger, embarrassment and tears well up in my eyes all at the same time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that  -- within that moment of them talking about me as being “childish” – that they had taken something away from me and thus feel hurt inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed and perceived that they had taken a piece of my “dignity”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been angry at myself for having done what I did because while I was doing what I was doing before, the thought had popped in my head that the other family members might think that this is stupid and childish – but I did it anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt angry and betrayed because I believed that family was here in the world to help me and I didn’t understand / couldn’t believe why they would talk about me like that behind my back – we were supposed to have each others’ backs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of hearing them talk about me behind my back – have gone into complete anger possession – where I swore to myself that I will never trust them again and that I should instead trust myself as my thoughts because I did think that they would judge me for it and now they did – which I interpreted as a confirmation that I should trust myself as thoughts instead of expressing myself unconditionally no matter what anyone else thinks of what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what my family members think of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my family members to like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my family members to like me because at that point in my life they were all that I had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed a higher value on what my other family members think of me than what I think of me on the basis that they are older and that they know better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between “being older”, “knowing better” and “authority”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between “being younger”, “knowing less” and “inferiority”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my family members as an example of how things are done within the belief that they know better as they are older than me – and thus use their feedback to judge myself and change myself according to what I thought would make me fit  / be normal within the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had created the belief that it was “us” as the family “against the big bad world” – and now that I heard them talk about me behind my back I felt like I had lost this support as it felt like the “big bad world” was now also in the house as the family members and I felt hopeless and alone within myself as I perceived that I had lost all hope of having people by me that I can trust as I walk through my life and this world as a child

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise at that time that there cannot be any separation between “the family” and “the world” as the family is a result of the world and thus there can be no “family vs the world” as it’s all one and the same thing as what we have accepted and allowed to have become of our creation on Earth

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise – that in that moment it wasn’t my family that betrayed me – but me that betrayed myself – as the experience showed that I had not been unconditional in my expression but had tied my expression to the feedback of others as my family – and thus when their feedback was negative, I felt bad and hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself within myself through not being unconditional in my expression but tying it to what other think / might think of me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the particular experience I went through as anger, rage, betrayal, embarrassment and sadness – was never about them but about ME

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my family for how I experienced myself within that moment for stabbing me in the back – while it was actually me stabbing myself in the back through not unconditionally expressing myself within the moment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I experienced betrayal because of the way I treated myself and my expression

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the family system cannot be perfect in an imperfect world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it’s not because the world is fucked up and the family system is fucked up that I must now go and betray myself and act like everyone else and the world does and become equally fucked

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot be angry at the world if I don’t take the practical steps to change the world – as all I am doing then is blaming the world for how I experience myself without doing anything to correct it and thus in essence being angry at myself for not taking responsibility for myself, my experience and my / the world

When and as I see myself going into an experience of betrayal – I stop and I breathe – I see / realise / understand that I am in fact causing this experience of betrayal inside myself as I am the one betraying me – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate within blame/projection but take responsibility for my actions as self-betrayal and I commit myself to investigate this point of self-betrayal and walk the necessary Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements and Actions

When and as I see myself going into an experience of anger – I stop and I breathe – I see /realise / understand that I am in fact participating in a form of blame where I am not taking responsibility for a particular point within myself and the world – I thus investigate this point and commit myself to take the necessary steps to correct the point

I commit myself to changing the world to a place where everyone can unconditionally express themselves and where both parents and children are educated in terms of the functioning of the Mind so that they can be provided with the tools in terms of how to work with oneself and sort oneself out

Arguments within Agreements

The first year that I was in an Agreement with Gian, our Agreement revolved around one thing: Self-Forgiveness. Most of our discussion ended up in misunderstanding, disagreements and fights.
When we’d both cool down and look at each person’s “side of the story” – we could see where the other was coming from and “where it all went wrong”. It’s amazing how assumptions, opinions and ideas can create this whole “alternate universe” right then and there as your having a conversation with your partner – and your partner is also participating in his or her own “alternate universe” and none of the two are actually participating in the only universe that matters, the physical one right here.
So the first year (more year and a half) – we applied Self-Forgiveness, a lot of it. This was exactly because of these ‘alternate realties’ we’d create inside ourselves and then project unto the other person. Only after we went through this phase – the deconstruction phase – we were able to actually start communicating and hearing each other. And the Self-Forgiveness we did, was never about the other person – we’d simply each time take the point back to ourselves, apply Self-Forgiveness and then that’s that.

In the beginning we were very easily tempted to “point out each other’s dishonesties” and to “stand up” (well play out an ‘idea’ of what it means to “stand up”) but then all we’d do was point fingers at each other, get angry / hurt and not get one foot further. See, in the initial stage of an Agreement, there’s just no way that you can immediately effectively assist the other by “pointing things out” because you’ve got so much shit of yourself that is filtering and moulding your perception of the other – that you never get a clear picture of what is actually going on – and that most likely, your just projecting your own shit. So once you realise this point – you’re ready to get somewhere lol.
 
Before I was in the Agreement I am currently in with Gian, I thought that I was pretty stable and was easily able to assist myself in terms of dealing with my inner world. Because of that, I had created an idea about myself that “I was pretty stable” and that thus the Agreement should go pretty smooth. Boy, was I wrong! LOL – all those ‘issues’ and ‘points’ that I had worked through in my Process while walking ‘alone’ suddenly looked very bleak and small compared to what I was facing within the Agreement. Sometimes it looked like the end just wouldn’t come in sight and every day was just a struggle within myself to get through the day without getting each other all agitated. But whatever happened , we just stuck to the basics: breathe, forgive, don’t give up.
And then, one day it suddenly hit me: I’m not struggling anymore.
Our agreement was effortless.
So whenever you find yourself in an Argument with your Partner take note to a) Not take it personal (god, if you do this, you’ll make things very hard for yourself) and b) to realise – that mostly when you are having an Argument, YOU’RE BOTH WRONG!!!.
The moment you see /realize that you (and your partner) are wrong, you’ll find that it’s very easy to stop and give up the argument because you’re not fighting to be proven right = there’s suddenly nothing to win and then all of a sudden your actual starting point within the fight will be clear for both parties to investigate (mostly just ‘I am right, you are wrong, lemme steal your energy so I can feel goooooood).

Ok that’s it for now.

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