Saturday, 11 August 2012

Day 29: Fear of Speaking - Part 1

Every once in a while I’ll go back and listen to my Tree of Life interview that was done five years ago – and every time (which is usually once a year lol) I watch it again, I’m just astonished at the accuracy of the information the being in the portal was sharing and how it is still after all these years: DEAD ON.
When I watched the interview for the first time, I remember not completely ‘getting it’ and going ‘Hmmm, okay…’ – but after about my first year in process I can really see how absolutely specific the points were which opened up, which only shows how completely unaware I used to be of my own existence and what I actually experience inside myself towards myself and the world in general. 

 One of the points mentioned in the interview was that of ‘Fear of Speaking’ and this is the point I want to take on (some more lol) within my next few blogs.

My fear of speaking basically comes from fear of conflict – where I want to say something but I won’t within the fear that the being will come at me and that I will get all emotional and not be able to produce a comeback – and where I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined this type of scenario ‘useless’ because then, even if I “speak my mind” the message would not have gone across and so I tell myself that I might as well not say anything because it’d just be a waste of time and I’d be embarrassing myself for nothing.

Then after the event has taken place and I decided to not speak my mind because of all these fears and ideas I have, I will go about and occupy my mind with the scenario, playing it over and over and over again, but this time with me “speaking my mind” and getting my message across and then also with me “speaking my mind” and the other person coming at me.

So this replay stuff inside my head then starts to accumulate and I actually start becoming angry within myself, angry at the person – and then as I keep on replaying it, it will suddenly just spiral out and all these other points will come up that I don’t like about that person and they will all just join up into one massive pile and be included in the whole replay session going on inside my head.  Then it either goes two ways: I get massive pains in my body and go ‘crap, what have I been doing’ (and this pain will usually only come later, after loooots and lots of accumulation) – or – I just get tired of all the bullshit in my head and stop myself before it gets to the pain part lol.

And it’s interesting how I will sabotage myself to just not get to the point of speaking. By the backchat focus being constantly on ‘the other person’ and getting all these other things involved ‘about the other person’ (and then repeating the same shit over and over)  -- I will in the end come to the point where I really believe that how I experienced myself in that moment and why I didn’t speak was all ‘because of that other person’ – where I now completely change and alter my memory of how things actually happened through backchat, that I fail to see that it was ME all along. It was ME who decided not to speak and the other person never, ever had anything to do with MY decision to not speak. Yet, somehow I will go and blame that person for me not speaking and how I experience myself which is completely disrespectful and unacceptable.

Another way I’ll sabotage myself is by telling myself that “since I have all this backchat and ‘mind-talk’ about the event that happened and the thing I wanted to say – it must mean that what I wanted to say wasn’t really relevant and so I shouldn’t bring it up at all and just forget about it!” – yes, very clever suppression/manipulation technique I developed there.

That reasoning is completely beside the point because the only reason why I am having this whole anger experience and backchat is because I suppressed speaking in the first place. The back chat was not about ‘what I wanted to say’, but about how I didn’t say anything, and within that moment not being true to myself -- and then me going into an experience of anger --  which is really me just being angry at myself for being untruthful towards myself -- while at the same time trying to deflect the point from myself through blaming others, having to go into an experience of physical pain before I will go and stop myself and ask: What the fuck am I doing?

It’s sad to see how us humans go into all this weird mind shit just we can hide from ourselves and make sure that we don’t ever change – it’s time to stop.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective / Commitment Statements to Follow
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