Monday, 6 August 2012

Day 27: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever – Part 2


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to as a kid when listening to the stories about ticks, tick bite fever and it killing people – have accepted and allowed these stories to imprint ‘fear of ticks’ as ‘fear of death’ within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a kid when hearing stories about ticks, tick bite fever and death – have responded to this within myself from a starting point of fear – where I within the moment of hearing the stories allow myself to become completely irrational and be possessed by this feeling of petrification of ‘what if this happens to me ‘, and created a fear relationship with ticks instead of investigating the tick phenomena and taking the practical steps / pre-cautions when necessary to minimize the potential of being bitten by ticks – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an emotional relationship as fear towards ticks where whenever I was in long grass would pre-occupy my mind with ‘oh no what if there are ticks here’ and ‘I hope I don’t get bitten’ and ‘Eeek! What was that itchy sensation I just felt on my leg!” – where I allowed fear to possess me within every moment of my participation with nature instead of me being here, having taking the precautions and from there simply let go of the tick point – as I will either get bitten or not get bitten and being in my mind thinking, worrying and generating this fear experience will not make a damn difference to the outcome

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise – that before I ever heard of the tick stories I was fine playing and having fun in the grass – whereas when had been fed information about ticks (which when looking at it now was probably inaccurate / extremely exaggerated for the sake of making it sound more ‘horrific’ than it really is) this information now dominated my mind and changed my whole experience of being in grass/nature – where all I could think about was ticks – and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this ‘new information’ should in no way alter/change my behaviour/approach/expression within nature – as the same “threat” existed before, but because I was not aware of it, I did not allow it to limit my expression – whereas now I was ‘aware’ of the threat and allowed this to possess me as knowledge and information where I altered my behaviour and approach to being within nature because of this one point of ‘possibility’ – without seeing and realising that before I ever knew about ticks, the possibilities as statistical probabilities of me getting bitten by a tick were just the same – and so there’s really no reason why I should now be around nature with a constant cloud of fear within my head, as this will in no way change the possibility of me getting bitten by a tick or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that my ‘fear of ticks’ was ‘keeping me safe from ticks’ – where I believed that if I am possessed/pre-occupied with the fear of getting bitten by a tick I will be more alert and will be able to keep ticks off me – where I traded ‘me being here as breath in every moment, trusting that I will deal with ticks if and when I have to and having an enjoyable time in nature’ with ‘me living in my head as fear of ticks as fear of death hoping religiously and faithfully that if I keep fearing maybe the ticks won’t get to me while having no fun at all in nature’ -- wherein the latter I allow myself to abdicate all self-responsibility as I simply ‘hope’ that it won’t happen

What’s interesting with being in the hospital – was that the exact same thing happened, where the doctor was now feeding me ‘horror stories’ of people dying/being badly affected by tick bite fever – and my mind going  into that same fear frequency as it did when I was a kid, where I allowed fear to override all common sense and was willing to do anything to not make the horror story happen to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when the doctor told me that he was going to keep me in the hospital for a few days because of those few rare cases where people die/get badly affected – have gone into completely fear mode, allowing fear to override all common sense and for a moment just be paralyzed and willing to comply with anything as long as it would mean that I’d be safe from the horror stories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust doctors blindly, because of the belief that ‘they are here to help people’ – without taking into consideration the Money Game which is currently behind every doctors practice – where, if I had been here as breath it would have been obvious to see that through his words he was scaring me into being admitted to the hospital, as this would give the hospital/him income

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally walk through an event – no matter what the outcome, within the realisation that having ideas/back chat about the event is not going to change/alter the outcome anyway – so why bother making the walk unpleasant by creating an inner hell about it, which is totally unnecessary
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