When I was a kid, me and my older brother and sister joined our
local Scouting group and we’d do lots of outdoor activities and go on out on
camps etc.
During that time I would hear stories from other kids within
the group and other friends who were in scouting groups about kids who had gone
camping with their scouting group and that a kid from their group had died
during the night, and that they later found out that it was due to tick bites (or similar types of stories).
It was interesting, because these stories would go around as
“horror stories” and from then on I was really scared of long grass and not
wearing high boots and long pants in long grass from the fear of ticks and other
bugs getting on to me and biting me.
Then years later I came to the Farm and there ticks became a
part of daily life. Horses had ticks, dogs had ticks, cats had tick – humans had
ticks! That was a bit of a shocker for me, because now all those horror stories
started creeping up again going “don’t get bitten, you’re gonna DIE!!!” Lol
In the beginning I had some issues with pulling off ticks
from the dogs and the horses, especially those who’d been sucking for a while
and they’re one big blood balloon, and once you pull them you kind of squash
them at the same time and the blood then squirts around you, and in some
unfortunate cases on you and your face (and in even more unfortunate events in your eyes and mouth).
But as it became a habit of pulling and killing ticks, it
just became ‘normal’.
Then, last week Friday evening I started feeling very
nauseous, feverish, my neck was stiffening up, I had a headache and I noticed
that one of my lymph nodes by my groin was quite swollen. At first I didn’t
connect all the symptoms together until I remember that I had an itchy insect
bite close to the lymph node that was swollen (I didn't even know that it was a tickbite, as I had been scratching it through my pants and assumed it was a mosquito bite).
The next day we went to the
doctor and they confirmed that I had tick bite fever. They wanted to keep me in
the hospital for a few days, where the doctor was referring to some very rare
cases where this type of tick bite fever causes brain problems and where once or
twice a year they will have someone with the same symptoms that they have to
hook up on respirators. So I as I heard that of course, I went into complete
fear mode “what? Attack my brain? Be hooked up on machinery? Nooooooo” yet at the same time I could feel the deception coming from the doctor using fear to keep me in the hospital
for a few days (which is very, VERY costly). Since a bunch of other people had
had tick bite fever on the farm, and were all treated at home successfully with
lots of rest and the right medicine, we requested to not be admitted and rather
be discharged (so they can stop CHARGING us lol).
So now I’ve been sick for over a week, with some definitive
improvement where I’m not in pain and feverish all the time, but it will creep
up and subside in random patterns/cycles. The bite was pitch black with red
around it (the black being dead skin tissue), and today the black bit got pushed
out by my body, and now there’s just a hole in my leg that's busy healing.
It’s been quite an interesting week in terms of looking at
all the fears and other bullshit that comes up in relation to being sick. And then
also interesting in terms of being forced out of my normal daily schedule and
being able to see all the various ideas and rules I had made up about my daily
routine and tasks, which now seem obviously ridiculous – but while I was “in my
pattern” as all the various things I had created and attached to my daily
routines, and participating within it = I didn’t see it at all.
For some reason
my legs are also quite weak and I can only walk in “slow motion style” which
has also been cool for me because I tend to rush from point A to B within the ‘menial’
little things we do in everyday life like eating, putting your dishes away, fetching this and that -- where
I saw myself wanting to go into the same pattern of rushing but then as I turn
around to move myself from point A to B, my body would literally hold me back
and then I got reminded that I can only do the slow-mo walk – so I have been
enjoying this point as well as literally having to slow myself down and being
aware of every step I take.
So yeah, the whole being in pain and puking part sucks ass
but at the same time it also shows you how a small thing like a tick can put
your life ”upside down” for a moment and show you what really matters: which is
this physically reality -- and that the mind as all the thoughts, feeling,
emotions and back chat is really puny and non-important. Because while you’re
sick all that matters is you as your physical body getting better and all the
thoughts, worries, etc that I would experience during my daily life within my
usual ‘routine’ were now completely irrelevant, and I could now see how they
are completely unnecessary to living life.
I am quite grateful
for this somewhat painful reminder lol.
Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Commitments
to follow…
4 comments:
Cool share Leila. Grateful you're recovering well :)
lol - very cool Leila!
I very much enjoyed reading about the seemingly small stuff having big impact.
I see, very cool share here - thanks L
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