Leila's Journey to Life: ED

Showing posts with label ED. Show all posts

Monday, 25 February 2013

Day 189: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 186: Baggage fro m the Past – when is an ED really over?
Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 1

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt/shame/regret within the context of ‘I am a bad person’, thinking that ‘I shouldn’t have done that’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I created this experience for myself within having adopted particular rules/guidelines within my Morality Character where I labelled some foods as ‘good’ and some foods as ‘bad’ and will consequently according to what I eat either experience a positive energy charge connected to the ‘good food’ or a negative energy charge connected to the ‘bad food’ and so I commit myself to breathe, stop, let go and investigate what rules/script I adopted which resulted in my experience and delete/remove them

When and as I see myself experience guilt/shame/regret in relation to eating particular foods – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the creator of my experience within my participation and development of my Morality Character and thus I commit myself to take responsibility for my creation and remove myself from Morality and align myself to Principle as what’s Best for my Body

When and as I see myself picking out food based on information linked to weight loss and gain – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am eating / feeding myself in order to satisfy my mind which is not the purpose of food and where as a consequence I make bad food decisions which I later regret – even though they were supposed to be ‘good decisions’ according to my food religion but my body then shows me otherwise and so I commit myself to let go and listen to my body and pick food / eat in order to sustain my body which is the purpose of food in the first place

When and as I see myself eating a food from the bad/fattening category and start thinking of ways I can make it ‘okay’ within considering what I will and will not eat in the future or consider particular exercises/activities as to ‘make up’ for those ‘extra calories’ where I am “calculating” things in my mind – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely trying to make up for ‘feeling bad’ and try to find ways to justify my decision so that I can ‘feel better’ – without looking at why I ate the food and why it is necessary to go and ‘make up’ for it and so I commit myself to stop and retrace my steps all the way back and investigate the trigger that set me off down this path of disordered reasoning

When and as I see myself accessing all my rules, codes and guidelines in relation to food and trying to figure out the ‘right thing to do’ while at the same time finding excuses/reasons why I ‘shouldn’t do the right thing’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am constantly trying to do the ‘right thing’ while at the same time trying to avoid it – there is something wrong with my direction as I am conflicted about what it is I want and thus I commit myself to investigate my starting point and come to a commitment/principle that I can actually stand by within what’s Best for my Body

Sunday, 24 February 2013

Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 1

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 186: Baggage from the Past – when is an ED really over?
Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion

When and as I see myself reacting to foods in my view when opening the fridge/cupboard within accessing ‘how much calories’ each food contains – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have trained myself over time to develop this habit to become automated as part of my food religion and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of all the information and simply look / see what it is my body would like to eat within the moment and base my food decisions on that

When and as I see myself reacting to foods in my view when opening the fridge/cupboard within accessing ‘how much calories’ each food contains and accordingly start judging some foods as ‘good’ and other foods as ‘bad’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become obsessed with calories and food without having properly investigated whether calories is a valid variable to base one’s food decisions on -- and as I have now seen, realised and understood that the body does not look/work with foods in terms of calories but the various substances it consists of which the body processes differently and so I commit myself to let go of the calorie conviction and disregard the information that comes up within breath and work with what me as my human physical body indicates would be best to eat

When and as I see myself judging particular foods as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that food in itself is innocent – it is what it is and it’s just here. It is neither good or bad but is merely a food which consists of particular substances which have particular effects when ingested and when ingested in combination with other foods – thus I commit myself to base my decision on ‘what to eat’ within looking/seeing what my body requires within that particular moment and to identify what food within that moment would be best suitable and which foods are not best suitable and within that I also see and realise that the same food will not always be the best option in every single moment but will depend on the state of the body at that point in time depending on the context of the moment and thus I additionally commit myself to be flexible and re-assess each moment individually and to not base my decisions on past memories as they may not be relevant to the moment and interfere with what is Best for my Body

When and as I see myself pick a particular food based on its caloric content – I stop and I breathe – I check my starting point and ask myself whether this is indeed the best food to within the moment eat and check how my body responds and so I commit myself to use my body as a feedback system to check whether or not to eat something and disregard caloric value

When and as I see myself scanning the various foods in the fridge/cupboard and start accessing all the data I have accumulated while participating within Anorexia in relation to the various foods – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I am accessing is obsolete and no longer relevant as it is not a reliable method to use as a base to make one’s eating/food decision on and so I commit myself breathe, let go, ground myself within and as my human physical body and check my body to see what it is that would be most supportive to eat within the moment

When and as I see myself comparing foods based on their caloric content – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that looking only at calories is an isolated and limited means to base one’s eating/food decisions on and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go of the information and to check with my body what is required to be eaten

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt/regret/shame and a sense of failure when eating a food that I am ‘supposed to not eat’ according to my Eating Disorder Food Religion – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these emotions and feelings are an untrustworthy feedback system to base my food decisions on as they are feedbacks from the mind and not from the body and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and let go of the emotions and to check with my body and take note of how my body responds to particular foods within a particular context for future reference from a starting point of what is Best for my Body rather than looking at what’s best to fulfil my Food Religion ideas of the Mind

When and as I see myself wanting to eat a particular food to which I have linked a high caloric content and eat it from a sense of ‘spitefulness’ and ‘eat it anyway’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am acting from reaction which is not a solution as I have not yet re-aligned my starting point but am merely ‘rebelling’ and ‘opposing’ still within the framework of calories which indicates to me that even though I am acting ‘backwards’ I am still participating / holding on to the same starting point as calories as ‘anti-calories’ – as I am merely going ‘against’ the calories without actually checking whether within disregarding the calories the same food option still stands -- and so I commit myself to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body as to not make decisions based on emotions/judgments/reactions as ‘rebellion’ towards ‘calories’ but to check with my body what it requires within the moment that would be most supportive to eat and make my decision according to that

Saturday, 9 February 2013

Day 179: You Reap what You Sow

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an Eating Disorder thinking and believing that participating within it would only affect me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider how my participation within generating/developing and maintaining an Eating Disorder may influence others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked and surprised when I saw some of my friends follow into my footsteps – where they had seen the change within me and followed foot in the pursuit of losing weight – where an event like this needed to happen to give me a wake-up call and re-evaluate what I am doing at the cost of others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I was feeding into the same cycle that contributed to me developing an Eating Disorder and where I was now the one triggering / feeding in to others developing Eating Disorders

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated within self-destructive behaviour and within doing so directly supported self-destructive behaviour within others – even if it hadn’t been my intention to do so – it had been implied by my actions as my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not expect others to not do as I was doing – after all I was doing it so it would be hypocritical to not want others to do the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have simply swallowed “the bitter truth” as seeing my friends go down the same path where I secretly within myself “wished them luck” on the road down the rabbit hole – where I saw that the only way I would be able to correct this is if I stop and correct myself and get them out of this mindfuck before it got worse - but was not willing to give my Eating Disorder up and within that left my friends to their own devices

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not stopped myself and not have stopped my friends from participating within self-destructive behaviour such as ED because I was too scared to give it up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the deliberate decisions to not step in and prevent harm from being done unto my friends by themselves because I was not yet willing to give up my own self-harm as I believed that ED was all there was to my life and if I give this up now I will be left with nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to overrule common sense where I let fear get the better of me and not intervene where I saw I could within preventing my friends from generating an eating disorder

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have taken self-responsibility for my actions and the consequences which arose out of them where I did not do anything when my friends starting dabbling with Eating Disorder behaviour because I was too scared to stop myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seized the moment I saw I should speak and tell my friends to stop and not go down that road and explain the exact nature of what it is they’re about to get themselves into and within that make the decision to stop myself and correct myself right then and there and stand as a proper example

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resisted writing about having had an eating disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my eating disorder period as me being ‘superficial’ and consequently not wanting to write about it because of fear of being seen as ‘superficial’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by not writing about ED I am only further perpetuating the taboo around eating disorders as some weird/disturbing phenomena within this world which is not yet understood – instead of seeing and realising that an ED is the mathematical outcome of having experienced particular reactions and having participated within particular thought patterns which were acted upon, resulting in ED behaviour – there is nothing good or bad about it – it merely is what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have wanted to write about my ED within fear of being seen as ‘superficial’ – not seeing and realising, that our world is superficial and as never achieved anything of real substance and within that my ED was merely one of the many faces of superficiality within a world of inequality where the nature of the mind and actual living is not understood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself and others as myself who have and still are participating within a form of ED -- without judging or scrutinizing the society which promotes and brews such behaviour through a distorted value system of valuing image and imagination over physical reality – not seeing and realising that the one is merely the outcome of the other

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that through hiding and being all ‘hush hush’ about having an eating disorder I am accepting and allowing myself to protect disorder and disharmony in the world at large – where hiding, being shameful and not talking about the problem, I am putting myself in a position where I will not talk about the problems that exist at large in society – where I will protect the dirty secrets of the world as long as I can protect my own

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

Day 167: The Big Fall

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

Whenever I would go through a 'rough patch', I'd be bouncing around between starving myself and binging. I would get to a point where I was frustrated with myself and wanting to give up / get over with it -- upon which I would start binging.

I saw the binging as a point of 'stopping' the ED, where I believed that eating lots of food was the 'good' and 'right thing to do' in comparison and in contrast to starving/depriving myself -- while it was actually still a continuance and outflow of the same point.

Since I'd find myself in a bad spot, where I felt like a failure - I would go 'fine, whatever!' and go for whatever junk food was closest and stuff myself. But how I actually experienced myself and the binge eating was still a statement of failure, where I went from one side of being a failure / not good enough to starving myself to 'better myself' to the other side of eating lots and mostly lots of crap food as a point of 'I'm a mess / failure anyway so I might as well screw myself over with lots of shitty food -- I'm a screw up anyway, screwing myself over this little bit more is not going to make much of a difference'. So then that's how I would justify going into binge eating.

Then after I was done, I would feel bad, ashamed and guilty. I'd access a point of wanting to 'undo' what I just had done, so there puking became a point of 'going back in time' and correcting my mistake. So then I'd puke.

But even though the puking removes the food from your stomach, it doesn't remove the actual reason/motivation or the 'why' as to why I had stuffed myself in the first place -- which was in essence a point of self-disappointment and self-hatred.

All I cared about was getting rid of the guilt and now of course I also had to prove myself so then I'd go right back to strictly starving myself - back to the other side of the polarity.

I mean, the way I experienced myself within stuffing myself with crap food and knowing its not good for my body was the same way I'd experience myself when downing alcohol or doing drugs, where there was a point of wanting to obliterate myself.

So then when I eventually 'stopped' starving myself and believed myself to have gone 'back to normal' (not that I ever had a 'normal' relationship with food), I actually took on more of a binging pattern within myself and would 'spoil' myself a lot so to speak, eating lots of shitty food -- and then I would justify it with 'well, I'm eating aren't I?'. Like, even though I knew something was off about my eating pattern, I'd make it sound 'alright' because it was not 'not eating', as if the 'not eating' was the only thing that the ED had consisted of - while it hadn't, both points had gone hand in hand.

No-one also questioned this behaviour, and I was getting chubby -- but this was then considered 'healthy' as opposed to being skinny, and eating lots was encouraged and met by a smile on my mother's face, being happy that I was apparently 'out of it'.

Friday, 25 January 2013

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

Day 167: The Big Fall

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

I was looking some more at the point of when I stopped as described in Day 167: The Big Fall -- where I caved in and surrender myself to stuffing myself and after that day 'never looked back' so to speak.

What's interesting within this point is how I always told myself and portrayed this event to myself and others as 'the day I decided to stop'. And this is not actually a correct description of what happened.

What essentially happened was that I gave up, I couldn't do it any longer - I failed. But instead of looking at it that way, I made it seem like I gave up on it, because that made me look like a 'stronger' person. It's like dumping someone before they dump you so you're not seen as the weak one. So that's kind of what happened there.

I mean if I could have - I would have continued. And like I mentioned before, I tried from time to time but the moments were short-lived as I would soon give up again and then tell myself 'Nah, that's not interesting / worth it anymore', where I was the one turning my back on ED while I actually experienced it the other way around. But it was easier to tell myself that it was 'my decision' and to take on an attitude of 'I'm over you' so I didn't have to face the sense of failure and giving up on myself that I experienced.

So me 'turning my back' on participating within an Eating Disorder had been a point of spitefulness instead of letting go and actually changing. And so within that, the Eating Disorder still 'won' because I am still carrying that sense of failure and being without direction within my life, where it's still luring over my shoulder from the shadows, reminding me of what I wasn't able to do.

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach

Day 167: The Big Fall

At some point during my ED period – I came to a point where I was quite satisfied with my weight and how I looked.

We had this one door in our house by the kitchen which had a big dark glass piece in it, and so was kind of half like a mirror. I remember standing in front of it the one day and going ‘Woah, this is it’.

And then I smiled.

And as I stared at my reflection I got sad – really sad.

It was a point of ‘now what’. I had worked myself all the way to this point and got what I wanted and now what. I thought I would be happy, which I had been for a moment – but all in all, my life still sucked – nothing had really changed. My body had changed, my picture presentation had changed but so what? It’s not really anything substantial in terms of having an actual change in your life, it’s one dimension, it’s just one tiny spec.

For all this time I had focussed on only this one point that I had not looked at any other dimension/part of my life and the world I lived in. And now that that one point was ‘satisfied’ so to speak, it fell away – and my whole world came crashing down on me.

Fuck. I was still not happy, I still did not have a life that I could go ‘yes, this is what I want, this is what I am satisfied with’. It felt like it had all been for nothing.

So then I did an interesting thing. I was quite emotional so then I went through a little binging patch and within that ‘set myself back’, distancing myself from my goal once more.

You see, the whole Eating Disorder only works as long as what you are trying to achieve is ‘out there’, as long as it’s always that one step, that one corner away – always just outside of your reach. Because the moment you are there and you got what you want, you realise it’s not really what you wanted and you’re still fucked. It’s whole design is based on unattainability. If you set a goal that is reachable, then you’re screwed because you’re going to get to a point that you’re done and now you have to go do something else with your life.

I mean, it’s such a clever game.

Now that I had set myself back, I had something to focus and obsess about once more, and this time I set the bar higher and further. It’s like you literally plunge and drown yourself into this one little dimension of your life, as if that is what it’s all about – so that you have the perfect excuse not to look at any other part of your life, let alone the world! Because as long as you’re still changing this one point as attaining the ultimate weight/image – well, you can’t really move on to the next point now can you?

So then you end up with this whole dynamic of pushing yourself, and driving yourself to get forward – and then the moment you get close you deliberately sabotage yourself so that you get setback and can continue playing this sick little game.

It’s such a trap, being locked up in your own little demon dimension inside your mind, repeating the same point over and over and over again.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection

When and as I see myself longing for passion and commitment within my life – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am coming from a starting point of separation, where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require something ‘out there’ to fill me up with ‘passion and commitment’ and so I commit myself to identify where I perceive that I am lacking commitment and passion within my life where I want to make up for that lack within finding something else to be passionate/committed about and commit myself to apply commitment and passion as myself

When and as I see myself longing for passion and commitment within my life and see myself going into that movement of ‘looking out there’ and ‘wondering where I can find passion’ I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that commitment and passion is already here as myself and so I commit myself to apply and express commitment and passion as myself

When and as I see myself go into an application of obsession within wanting to be committed/passionate – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am coming from a polarity design where I perceived myself lacking any and all ability to be passionate/committed and within that go into the opposite polarity of being obsessive, where I allow myself to be completely obsessed with whatever point I decided to go with – where there is no space for expression of flexibility, but only a one dimensional focus which is doomed to burn out as it is based on energy instead of self-realization

When and as I see myself longing for passion and commitment in my life and look for it outside of myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely diverting/distracting myself from investigating my application where I have detected a point that can be perfected / specified, but where instead of dealing with that point, I go and look for something else to perfect so that I can fool myself to still experience myself as satisfied without actually having taken self-responsibility and so I commit myself to look at the points where I know I can improve myself and commit myself to passionately take on these points and perfect them for myself

When and as I see myself go into a mode of ‘adoration’ and ‘idolizing’ within seeing people with an Eating Disorder / contemplating Eating Disorders within the belief that what I am looking at is diligence, discipline, willpower and commitment – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is exactly what the nature of Eating Disorders is about, where I/we have accepted and allowed ourselves to have created a distorted and disharmonious definition of what it means to be diligent, disciplined, will powered and committed – while we actually have not ever lived true diligence, true discipline, true will power and true commitment – as I have seen and realised through walking the Desteni Process, that true commitment, diligence, discipline and willpower has got nothing to do with occupying oneself with impose an image/illusion unto physical reality – that is an easy thing to do – what takes real discipline, commitment, diligence and willpower is to investigate the nature of ourselves as who we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become, to see and realise the dishonesty and destruction we’ve become and to walk the process of correcting our nature of self-destruction to one of Self-Support towards ourselves and all other forms of Life as ourselves – where one move and push to become the best possible version of themselves and within doing so assist others to do the same: This is the REAL Challenge and the only Journey of Self-Perfection worth walking

Visit the Desteni I Process Lite website to start your journey to Self Perfection today

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Monday, 25 February 2013

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