Day 179: You Reap what You Sow

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an Eating Disorder thinking and believing that participating within it would only affect me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider how my participation within generating/developing and maintaining an Eating Disorder may influence others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked and surprised when I saw some of my friends follow into my footsteps – where they had seen the change within me and followed foot in the pursuit of losing weight – where an event like this needed to happen to give me a wake-up call and re-evaluate what I am doing at the cost of others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I was feeding into the same cycle that contributed to me developing an Eating Disorder and where I was now the one triggering / feeding in to others developing Eating Disorders

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated within self-destructive behaviour and within doing so directly supported self-destructive behaviour within others – even if it hadn’t been my intention to do so – it had been implied by my actions as my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not expect others to not do as I was doing – after all I was doing it so it would be hypocritical to not want others to do the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have simply swallowed “the bitter truth” as seeing my friends go down the same path where I secretly within myself “wished them luck” on the road down the rabbit hole – where I saw that the only way I would be able to correct this is if I stop and correct myself and get them out of this mindfuck before it got worse - but was not willing to give my Eating Disorder up and within that left my friends to their own devices

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not stopped myself and not have stopped my friends from participating within self-destructive behaviour such as ED because I was too scared to give it up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the deliberate decisions to not step in and prevent harm from being done unto my friends by themselves because I was not yet willing to give up my own self-harm as I believed that ED was all there was to my life and if I give this up now I will be left with nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to overrule common sense where I let fear get the better of me and not intervene where I saw I could within preventing my friends from generating an eating disorder

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have taken self-responsibility for my actions and the consequences which arose out of them where I did not do anything when my friends starting dabbling with Eating Disorder behaviour because I was too scared to stop myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seized the moment I saw I should speak and tell my friends to stop and not go down that road and explain the exact nature of what it is they’re about to get themselves into and within that make the decision to stop myself and correct myself right then and there and stand as a proper example