Saturday, 23 February 2013

Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am hungry or feel like eating something and open the fridge/cupboard to see what food there is – react to what I want to eat when looking at the amount of calories I have connected to the food wherein I still use this point of calories as a measure of ‘what’s good’ and ‘what’s not good’ – where I will feel like eating something but then consider its ‘high calorie content’ and then stop and go for something which has a low calorie content within thinking that that’s ‘the better choice’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I have to make a decision about what I am about to eat and open the fridge, to still from time to time scan all the foods and consider all the information I have attached to each particular food present in the fridge and will weight each one’s data against one another and according to that pick what I eat – wherein that moment I completely ‘forget’ about my human physical body and what I as my physical body feel like eating and rather just follow ‘information’ without my decision based on this information being necessarily what is Best for my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see the thought come up towards a particular food, where I think that I shouldn’t eat it and that it’s ‘no good for me’ in terms of ‘putting on weight’ but then shove the thought aside in a sense of spitefulness and eat it anyway – go into an experience of guilt and regret when finishing the particular food/sweets where I believe I made a mistake and that I am now a failure

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I have created this experience for myself through a Morality character where because I labelled some foods as ‘good’ and some as ‘bad’ and decided to forgo the good for the bad – that I am now a ‘bad person’ because I ‘broke the rules’ and should not have done that

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that in turn I am the creator of this Morality character and had to participate within the labelling of things as right and wrong and good and bad and believing in these values for the Morality Character to exist and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my experience is merely the result of my ideas and beliefs and can thus be changed

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to listen to my body when looking into what to eat but instead follow my Food Religion as all the information I have accumulated over time and sorted by relevance in terms of ‘losing/gaining weight’ – where I will eat both the so called ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things and yet depending on the moment can still find myself experiencing adverse effects due to the foods chosen within only looking at the foods in isolation and not considering my body and what I have already eaten / what is compatible within the moment as I only sought compatibility with the ideas and beliefs in my mind in order for myself as my mind to ‘feel better’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I find myself eating a food from the bad/fattening category to start thinking of ways I can make it ‘okay’ within considering what I will and will not eat in the future or consider particular exercises/activities as to ‘make up’ for those ‘extra calories’ where I am “calculating” things in my mind – but where I am actually more playing guesswork within trying to ‘calculate’ and ‘rationalise’ the guilt away for eating what I ate instead of looking at my starting point of eating the food and identifying/tracing the origin/emergence of the guilt and correcting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a Religion about Food where I can’t just eat and nourish my body because I have made up all these rules and regulations to which I have to abide if I want to be a ‘good girl’ within the religion – while I at the same time constantly looking for/ scouting for loopholes that I can use to escape the very rules and codes I created for myself within my own religion wherein I am constantly shifting from being a faithful servant to a sinner and get lost in inner-conflict as I can’t make up my mind about what I want
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