Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 199: Exam Nightmares
Day 200: I Don't Do Bad Grades 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades' within observing my siblings having good grades and this being praised by my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that 'passing' is not good enough and that one should always aim for a '100%'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear of bad grades within having been pushed/motivated to 'always have good grades', as others indicated that 'having good grades' will give you the widest variety of options for your future and thus if I have bad grades I am putting in danger my future as I won't necessarily be able to study / follow what I want if/when bad grades limit me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my desire for good grades is rooted/embedded within the fear of having bad grades as fearing for my future / having limited career options

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have promised to myself that I will never allow myself to have bad grades because if I do I might end up in a miserable position in the system

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have questioned my parents or the education system, where it became clear that even though school was a place where I could be with my friends and play during break times -- I was at the same time in a race/competition with the other children in the class, a race/competition for future status in society/the system -- where some will study hard to make sure that they will be able to further their education while others don't or simply can't with the means available and where each child does not look out or look back at one's friends or care about their situation because we all know 'someone has to do the sucky jobs one day' but 'at least it won't be me because I have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into a form of tunnel vision, where all I could see was a straight vision to my future / future position in society/the system -- where all I cared about was 'getting good grades' as this was what I understood to be my 'ticket' to a nice life in the system -- where there was no time or space to consider others who may not be doing as well as I was and thus would possibly end up in less favourable positions in society/system -- but where instead of helping/assisting them I only went further into fear as I 'cannot waste any time on them' and must 'take advantage' of their shortcomings as this puts me 'further ahead' in the race

Related articles

• Day 156: Competitive thoughts - part 2
• Conquering The Contest Of Survival - Day 388
• I Really Want You To Fail - Day 386
• The Things We Do To Feel Good About Ourselves - Day 387
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• Day 191: Reacting to Futility, and to WTF I've Done.

Day 199: Exam Nightmares

The beginning of this week as I started studying ‘for real’ for my exams, I had two exam nightmares in a row. In the first one I had started doing the exam and was pretty much writing down and selecting whatever as I hadn’t really studied to have a ‘good grade’ but just to pass. After a while of doing the exam I got distracted and started doing other stuff (for some reason I was doing the exam in Belgium in my parents’ house where I used to live, so I could leave the room and do other things). Then I suddenly realise that my two-hour time limit is about to run out and I run back to the exam papers to finish them, and then I realise that I wasn’t supposed to write the answers on the exam papers themselves, but on separate sheets. So I’m going ‘Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Shit, Shit, Shit’ and I quickly start copying over what I wrote. Because time is running out like really fast, I am writing at superspeed and notice that my handwriting is barely illegible. More ‘Shit, Fuck, Shit, Fuck’. As I am copying and thus re-reading my answers, I suddenly realise how many of my answers aren’t straight but just ‘circling around the question’ where I say things without really saying anything. So now I’m really freaking out because I am both running out of time and it’s becoming evident that even if I had time to write everything down – I’d probably still fail.

Then I see that there are old notebooks lying around from my brother on the same subject ( a subject I haven’t even heard about in my ‘wake life’ and so don’t even have this subject this semester), and I peak at what is in the notes and see that he has given completely different answers to some of the questions and I go ‘Oh oh’ because it’s clear that I won’t be able to pull off ‘pretending I know the material’ because I can see the answers are quite specific and its obvious looking at what I wrote that I don’t have a clue what I am talking about.

At some point time runs out and I wake up. I’m covered in sweat and freaked out.

The second dream/nightmare was very vague and wasn’t me doing an actual exam but was only about the exam schedule and preparing for the exam and gathering notes – but the main stressor was the schedule, just looking at the days and the times made me nervous. This one also played out in Belgium.

So what I found quite interesting in both these dreams is that the play-out takes place in Belgium – and not in South Africa where I am currently having exams. This reminded me that most of my exam stress and worries took place where I grew up. I can see there is a difference studying for exams, here, now, compared to how I used to study exams in Belgium. But even though there’s a difference in situation, simply because there are some symbols and variables the same –all those memories from the past get reloaded right back and come interfere with what I am doing now. It’s like the mind is going “oh oh, ‘exams’ and ‘schedule’ --- I know this one!!!” and then proudly goes and digs into the archives of the past and digs up old records containing thoughts, feelings and emotions and starts playing the record to make everything feel like ‘the good old times’.

So within the next couple of posts I want to investigate my relationship towards studying, exams and grades to remove the garbage from the past so I can study in peace lol.

Related articles

• Does the Education system Prepare the Children to Face the World - Day 337
• Day 338: Later, Later
• How Fear Controls an Overachiever - Day 373
• Day 318 - Reactive Character, Road to success Part 4
• How To Stop Feeling Like Crap - Day 375
• Why Do We Fear Giving Up The Fear? - Day 370

Day 49: Studying and Fear - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am reading through my study material -- read from the starting point of fear as 'I have to know all this information -- what if I forget all of this information by the time of the exams, then I have to do it all over again' and "oh no so much to read and so little time' -- where within this starting point as an energetic state of mind of fear -- I am not at all grasping / integrating the information but merely reading the words for the sake of 'progressing through my material' without actually studying/reading in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made it my goal to 'go through the material from beginning to end' without including understanding/integration within my starting point -- where I end up "studying" but really just wasting my time because I am in no way present here within the moment as the information presented

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to slow down within studying -- to allow myself to read and take in the information within understanding and to when I do not grasp / understand something go and look up additional information which may assist me in understanding the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on studying within a starting point of resistance -- where I anticipate that the reading wil be tedious and that I will forget most of it -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience is a decision I make for myself and then becomes my reality -- and thus I can decide to take on studying from a point of self-directive self-movement and taking in information effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my 'future' study experiences on my study experiences from the past as memories -- where I end up not being able to integrate the information effectively since I am busy recycling through past memories

When and as I see myself reading through my study material and thinking "I have to know all this information -- what if I forget all of this information by the time of the exams, then i have to do it all over again" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that fear and thinking/worrying only takes me another step back towards exam preparations and so I commit myself to stop participating within such thoughts / energy experiences and allow myself to work through my material step by step within allowing myself to effectively integrate the information

When and as I see myself reading through my study material and thinking "Oh no so much to read and so little time" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within occupying myself with these thoughts I am leaving myself no time/space to integrate my study information effectively and so I commit myself to stop participating within these thoughts / energy experiences and actually get to studying

When and as I see myself studying from the starting point of 'getting from point A to B' as in 'progressing through my study material' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within focusing on the 'end goal' as 'getting somewhere' I am completely losing the point of studying as I am in no way aware within studying -- and so I commit myself to re-establish my starting point as effective reading /understanding where 'progressing through the material' is an outflow of this point -- but not the main point of attention

When and as I see myself racing within my mind when studying -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that rushing within my mind and through my study material is in no way effective and is actually me wasting time within wanting to save time -- and so I commit myself to stop engaging in this energetic mind experience and allow myself to slow down and be here

When and as I see myself deciding to study within an energetic experience of resistance -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within imposing an experience of resistance upon and within myself -- I am only limiting myself and my study experience -- and so I commit myself to re-establish my starting point to that of self-direction and self-movement and study / take in the information unconditionally

When and as I see myself accessing past experiences in relation to studies as memories and project them unto the current moment -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within accessing that past as memories I am only holding myself back from studying effectively and merely repeating the past -- and so I commit myself to snap myself out of this mode and be present here within the moment as breath and take in the information presented effectively

Related articles

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• Day 48: Studying and Fear - Part 2
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?
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