Day 225: Fear of Freedom

While working on re-defining the word 'No' and in general looking at all the particular charges, layers and dimensions I had attached to the word 'No' over the years -- an interesting point opened up (well many opened up lol). This one in particular was a fear point, whereby I had created a fear towards the word 'No' in relation to 'Freedom of Choice' / 'Freedom of Expression'.

Growing up in Belgium, our country was considered to be a very 'modern' society. Part of that meant that we were 'multi-cultural' with many people living in Belgium coming from various different cultural backgrounds and religions. With this, we were taught to be 'tolerant' and `Respectful of other people's beliefs'. Only if we take on such an attitude along with one of 'minding your own business' approach - can we live 'peacefully together'.

When you're being taught all these things, it all 'sound nice' and 'seems to make sense' (because you don't necessarily want other people to question your beliefs). Afterwards in my life, especially during teenage years and later -- this 'Freedom point' and 'having to respect others' freedoms' started bothering me. This was because I would for instance ask someone for help or ask someone to assist me with something, where without their assistance i would not have been able to pursue the point, and they would simply say 'No' and when asking further as to 'why not' -- it would simply be a matter of 'because I don't want to / feel like it'. Or if I would question friends' behaviour I would get a response of 'I can't change who I am' and ' either respect and accept who I am or don't be my friend' type of response.

What I did not like about these points is that I felt powerless within these situations. I could sense something was 'off' but had these rules that we lived by such as 'respect anther's beliefs' and 'respect other people's choices/freedom' which pretty much told me that I was not allowed or supposed to ask questions any further - but leave it at that and would have to merely 'swallow' whatever response I had gotten as this was the collective agreement that had been made. It was really more of a compromise everyone had accepted to live by, where "there's going to be people doing and saying things that you don't like, but as long as you leave them alone they will leave you alone as well and then we have 'peace' ". So we're never really completely satisfied and actually disagree 'but we'll take it' -- and now we have twisted and turned this act of 'just taking it', into some 'benevolent' and 'integrity' dimension -- where it has become a 'good' and 'positive thing' to do -- while it's really just a matter of avoiding each others’ disagreements for the sake of avoiding conflict because we can't really trust each other to behave 'rationally'. So as long as we 'play nice' we do not have to be faced by and with our underlying unpleasant and irrational behaviour. So this whole 'respect another's opinion/freedom/beliefs' is really actually a negative manifestation, as it finds its origin within negativity itself -- but now we've brainwashed ourselves to believe that 'it is a good thing'.

To be continued

Day 173: My Moral Code & Politics

Today I had an interesting reaction that came up.


Gian and I went to the optometrist to get new glasses. At the end of our appointment we were going through the information about the lenses and how long it would take before I would get the new glasses. The lady who was helping us mentioned that the lenses have to go overseas to get treated since the technology to do the treatments does not exist in South Africa. She then mentioned a funding problem upon which Gian made a comment about the government and the president being corrupt.

As he opened his mouth and started criticizing the government, I immediately reacted into disbelief and my eyes went big and one of the thoughts that came up automatically was 'you can't just talk about politics like that in front of people -- what if they don't agree with your point of view??!! Doesn't he know it's really impolite and inappropriate?!!'. What's interesting about this thought is that it sounded exactly like my mom and how my physical behaviour changed for a moment was exactly how my mother changed her physical posture when I asked her about other people's political views for the first time.

I remember being a kid and elections were around the corner. There were posters and ads all over town about the different parties and representatives, and our mailbox would get flooded with pamphlets daily. I started getting curious what this whole politics ordeal was about and started asking my mom questions. Like how do the elections work, what this this and that party, who is our mayor, what party is he from, what party do 'we' / she vote for (she was the only one voting at the time, since my dad is not originally from Belgium but naturalized he has the option to vote but does not have to -- in general voting is compulsory in Belgium).

She explained how the voting process is a very private thing -- which I interpreted as being secretive -- where people go in a little booth where no-one can see what party and who they vote for, and where the voting cannot be traced back to them (not sure if this is actually so, this is what I got out of it as she explained it to me).

I remember looking outside through the window and seeing the neighbours on the street. My mom is friends with them so I asked them who the vote for. She immediately reacted, almost in a fright and her eyes went all big and she said: 'Leila! You don't ask that type of questions! You don't ask people who they vote for, that's very inappropriate! You only talk about it with family. People have the right to keep their voting preferences a secret and you shouldn't ask about it'.

Woaw, ok.

This point was then classified under other points such as
'Don't ask people how old they are, it's inappropriate, it's impolite - it's a private matter'
'Don't ask people how much money they make, it's inappropriate, it's impolite - it's a private matter'
'Don't ask people how much they weight, it's inappropriate, it's impolite - it's a private matter'.

So as Gian was sharing his perspective with the lady, I went into complete fear because he was breaking an important moral code: DON'T TALK POLITICS WITH OTHER PEOPLE OTHER THAN FAMILY - IT'S IMPOLITE!!!!'

When he was done, I held my breath in suspension, awaiting the woman's response -- anticipating an uncomfortable moment. Instead she laughed, agreed and made some more jokes about the government and the president -- not an uncomfortable situation at all. There was also a sense of betrayal, because things had not played out the way 'they should have' in terms of how my mother had prepared me in relation to politics and other people.

So it was interesting to see how this one moment, this one event triggered a memory from say 15 years ago, as the first impression I got from my mother about talking / asking about politics with other people -- and how within that moment I took on the entire expression my mom had taken on when she had talked to me all those years ago - exactly copying the physical movements/changes and the exact words spoken back then, but in this case in thought form.

I mean, in terms of where I am now and my involvement within political issues -- this is a very strange and random reaction, completely out of place. This really shows how we are programmed and instructed by our parents as children, copying and integrating the impressions we receive from them and then play them out without asking/questioning -- as they are adults and they have been longer than me here on Earth and know how things are done, I must just trust them and follow foot.

It's also creepy to see how an event of 15 years ago which only lasted a few seconds is stored in the body, with all its information in tact, ready to come up when the right trigger is set off. The experience seemingly came 'out of nowhere', but when I looked at it closer it was so clear that it was just a replica of my moms experience/expression over a decade ago.

Related articles

• SA Pupils Terrified - Bullying - Day 275
• Day 250: Teeth and God - ADC - Part 97
• Day 266: Thank God for the System
• Day 163: Birthing ourselves as life, as a partnership Part 21 - Suppression.
• Day 174: Loyalty to Life in Equal Money Capitalism
• Day 149: Credits and Levels of Administration within an Equal Money System

Day 105: Identity Crisis: What's the Use?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 104: Identity Crisis: Am I Real or Am I the Product of Behavioural Conditioning?

In my previous blogpost I was looking at some points according to which I had defined myself, as particular likes and dislikes -- and then looking at whether these points are actually valid in terms of "defining me", as it turns out that they are purely contingent and dependent on one's environmental surroundings/upbringing.

I mentioned things like going out, music, books, etc. But there are other points one can look at.

For instance, I was born in Belgium, so that would make me a 'Belgian'. I was brought up within a catholic religious context, so that would make me a 'Catholic Christian'. I was brought up as someone's child, someone's daughter, someone's sibling -- which implies a specific relationship to the people in my family in contrast to everyone else in the world.

But what if I was born in let's say Israel, and was brought up within a Jewish religious context. Then, I'd be 'Jewish'. But again, is this of any value? Is this really real?

As a child, we absorb all the information from our surrounding and from that create a blueprint from which we further specify and develop a particular personality.

Depending on where you are born and within what context you were brought up within, your personality / self-identity will change. It's kind of strange, because I've established that these points are completely random, where 'who I am' as 'who I believe myself to be' is dependent on conditioning from my external environment -- and this 'who I am', changes according to one's environment. So I can't say that because I was born in Belgium, that I am 'a Belgian', as this is just an idea, something I can tell myself to be but has no particular value. Yet, we take points like this and believe that these points of self-identity have meaning and value.

In Belgium for instance, especially in de Flanders part of the country -- we don't like people from the Netherlands. We call them 'Cheeseheads' and other names. But I mean, they're only Dutch because they were born in the Netherlands, they didn't really have any say in it -- there was no 'free choice' or 'free will' involved. So it's not really justifiable to attack other people, just because they have a different nationality (which is the basis of the Flanders not liking the Dutch, it's not substantiated other than it being a point of separation based on nationality).

So we have all these ideas about ourselves, about 'who we are' and 'what we like' and what our 'place' is in the world -- and these ideas are in essence, illusionary. But have a look at what we do with these ideas: Because we believe that we are of 'this religion', we will go and attack other people because they are of 'that religion'. That's like, stupid. You could have been a member of the religious group you're attacking if you had been born there, so what is the point?

If we look at what Life currently revolves around, as playing out 'who we are' as a personality -- it's actually quite disturbing. Because "I like this and that" and I am "this type of person", I will only buy these brands, and only buy that type of music, and I will only get along with people who are compatible with the identity that I've constructed over the years. So then we get to a point where we have a society based on consumerism, where everyone buys shit according to 'what they like', and it's not even what they really "like", it's only what they BELIEVE they like based on all the various inputs received from the environment, originating from parents, school, friends, media, ... If you look at it, it's really INSANE, and this is just insanity playing out on a personal level.

On a global level, we have ideas going on of "I am of this nation" and "I am of that nation" and "my nation is better than yours and I am going to beat you economically". So you end up with a world, where countries are competing, dominating, warring, killing, abusing -- and for what? Based on what? Based on these stupid little ideas that we've created about ourselves when we were kids, which developed into ideas as 'who we believe ourselves to be'.

All these little ideas and beliefs we've created about ourselves, have no purpose whatsoever, but to perpetuate consumerism, competition, domination -- and so in the end: Inequality.

Because what are all these little ideas saying that we have about ourselves? From the small ideas that "I like this music" to the "big" ideas of "I am going to exploit your country, simply because I can and it will make MY people more prosperous" -- all of these ideas are saying: This is who I am, and I am NOT like you -- we are separate and who I am is the right way to be, it's the better way to be -- and I will do whatever in my power to make sure that I am alright, and I don't give a crap what happens to anyone else -- because after all YOU'RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!!

But here's the catch: We're not different. We are all human beings, we were all born into this world, we were all babies, children once. And as we were children, we absorbed information from our environment, and created ideas about ourselves. And while the ideas we have about ourselves may differ, we are in the end still exactly the same.

Check out the DIP Lite course, a free course where one can investigate the identity one has built up for oneself, and find out what is really real.

Related articles

• Day 104: Identity Crisis: Am I Real or Am I the Product of Behavioural Conditioning?
• Day 151: After Death Communication Research - Part 1
• Day 138: Waiting for the world to end before I can have purpose forgiveness statements

Day 67: You can HEAR me?!

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
Day 64: Holding on to Myself 
Day 65: Fear of Sharing
Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space

When I was a kid I thought that humming sounds/songs was just like having thoughts, in terms that you were the only one who could ‘hear’ what you were humming, just like you are the only one who can ‘hear’ what you’re thinking.

I liked humming a lot in primary school as a form of entertainment in class and outside the class.

When the bell would ring as a signal that break –time was over, all the pupils would rush to their class’ designated spot, and within that spot – each student also had a specific place they had to be in. Everyone had to be in lines, in pairs and be quiet before the teachers would take us into our class. There was this one teacher who liked walking around with a hand bell and shake it very loudly in the ears of any pupils still talking / making a noise.

If there was still noise/whispers going on while they were walking around the lines before taking us to class, they’d tell us that we were going to have to keep standing right there where we were. Since I believed that humming was just like thoughts, and that no-one could hear it but me – I would hum very loudly while standing in the line, thinking that I was so clever that I could still make noise without anyone hearing it – and within that kind of ‘cheat the system’. I’d do my best to hum as loud as I could and then the teachers would inspect the lines and walk right by me without reacting to my humming or saying anything about it, and I felt so good about myself that I could make this noise without anyone noticing – like I had this secret space where I could still do whatever I wanted even if I couldn’t do it ‘out there’.

And since none of the teachers ever made a remark about my humming, I kept on believing that my humming was only heard by me (obviously the humming was audible, but I think that since most teachers really liked my older brother and sister and saw us as ‘good students’, that they didn’t bother to say anything about my weird behaviour lol).

Then, waaay later – well not that much later, maybe a few months, a year? – we were in Spain with the family during the holidays. Me and Maite were making our way to go downstairs because we were about to go somewhere or say hi to someone. As I was running/jumping off the stairs I was humming a Cranberries song and as we moved down the stairs Maite started the sing the song that I was humming.

And then it hit me.

Oh

My

God


She can hear me

LOL!

I went into complete shock/fear – and I asked her “why are you singing this song?” And then she’s all plainly responds “Well you were humming it”.

I was so freaked out – this meant that during all those years of my LOUD humming in many public places/occasions – everyone actually heard me?


Woah!

I felt so embarrassed lol.

Although this whole ‘humming’ point is quite innocent in itself, what I found interesting in this memory is how I related ‘humming’ to ‘thinking’ as something I can do in my own space to entertain myself, where I believed that even though there were ‘physical constraints’ (like being in class or having to be quiet somewhere) – I could still do what I want and enjoy the freedom of my mind.

So following from this, I will be working on this point of perceived ‘freedom’ in my mind as a place where I can ‘do what I want’ and so in essence ‘escape’ from reality.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow

Related articles

• Day 154: After Death Communication - Part 4
• Day 67: Perceptual Character
• Day 42: Why?
• Day 13 - Fear of Failure - Anxiety and Me - Part 3
• Day 52: Prelude - Don't take anything for Granted
• Day 26: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever
• Day 35: Reversing Trust
• Day 57: Sound of Laughter
• Day 71: Perceptual Character Self Commitment Statements continued...
• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?