Thursday, 27 September 2012

Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning

This blog is a continuation to: Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I gain knowledge of an event which is going to happen to which I have assigned a negative energy charge as a ‘dislike’ – pre-occupy my mind with this point/event where every moment where I am not busy doing something and have ‘a moment for myself’, I go and look up this point within myself and upload the negative energy attached to it, where I “entertain” myself with the point and the various backchat linked to it and then feel crappy until I am doing something again that takes my mind off of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must at any given time be experiencing something as energy – where if there is a moment of ‘nothingness’ I go and ‘fill in the blank’ by bring up something which I know I resist, just to have a form of experience as energy within and as me – so I can feel that I am ‘on track’ and ‘normal’ within always experiencing some form of energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within those mornings where I am clear within waking up – question my ‘lack of experience’ and deliberately go and look for something to experience, where I then go and pinpoint whatever point of resistance may be in the near future, bring the point here and allow this point to occupy myself and saturate myself with the energy connected to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require energy as experience to be able to function ‘normally’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to wake up and have a particular experience as energy present/existent within me, to ‘set the tone’ of the day as a form of ‘guidance’ as to how I am going to be today and what I am going to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need energy to tell me what to feel and then to according to how I feel, tell me what to do / how to behave myself for the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated self-responsibility within assigning direction to energy, where I expect energy to tell me how I am going to be and what I am going to do – instead of me directing and instructing myself within practical common sense and self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create friction within myself from the moment I wake up – where I believe that I require to have ‘some type of experience’, where I believe that I need to ‘define’ myself according to energy and ‘place’ myself for the day – and where the first thought/energy experience in the morning sets the tone/direction for the rest of the day – where whatever I do during my day will be ‘tainted’ by this initial energy as friction I experienced in the morning which determines what I do , how I do it and how I experience myself within doing it – complete self-enslavement


When and as I see myself accessing my ‘resistance point of the day’ within having a ‘moment for myself’ – where I am for a moment not doing anything/focusing on a particular task – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within those ‘in-between moments’ where for a moment I am done with something and about to move to the next point and have ‘open range’ in my mind as I am not focussed at any task at hand, I go and look for a point to entertain myself with for a moment as to charge myself energetically before moving on to my next task, I see and realise that this is me seeing an ‘open space’ which needs to be filled where I believe that I must at all times be pre-occupied and that I cannot have a ‘quiet’ moment within myself. And so I commit myself to in those moments where I go and deliberately access points of resistance as energy to occupy/entertain myself momentarily in-between doing things, to stop and to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body, and simply allow myself this moment of quietness

When and as I see myself noticing an ‘empty spot’ / ‘blank space’ within and as myself within not having any particular energetic experience, and reacting to this emptiness within and as fear – where I believe I MUST be experiencing something at all times, that this is what Life is about – I STOP and I BREATHE – I see and realise that I have defined living as experiencing some form of energy at all times which is an illusion I have adopted for myself and so I commit myself to disillusion myself within trusting myself here within and as breath, as my human physical body and show myself that living does not take place within one’s individual mind as energy – but in communal physical existence

When and as I wake up in the mornings and see/realise that there is nothing on my mind and find this alarming and immediately want to go and look for stuff to think/worry about – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is just one of my many defense mechanisms as mind to ensure my continued survival as energy, which is me trapping myself into believing that I need/require energy to exist while me as my human physical body does not require mind energy – only the mind requires energy as friction to survive and so I commit myself to within those moments snap myself out of my fear/alarm –mode and to see/realise that I can be here within and as breath, as my human physical body and be perfectly fine without occupying myself with mind energies/experiences

When and as I wake up in the mornings just being here and then react to this within not having any energetic experience yet within me, within the belief that I MUST experience something in order to give my day ‘character’ and to ‘guide me’ into how I must conduct myself for the day – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this pattern is only limiting me where I limit myself for a whole day within the context/framework of a single thought/energy/emotion/feeling that I have in the morning, which then determines everything I do, how I do it and how I experience myself within it – which is just another way of saying that I am setting myself up to not be ‘here’ for the whole day, and select/set my ‘alternate reality’-experience for the day in which to entertain/distract myself from being here and taking self-responsibility – and so I commit myself to STOP right there in the moment of waking up and wanting to conjure up some experience and force myself to be HERE and direct myself within Self-Trust as I ground myself within and as breath and my human physical body

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