Day 62: There Must Be Something Wrong!

I’ve noticed that whenever I come across a point as an event which I know is going to happen, but that I do not want to happen because I have resistance towards it – I will go and torture myself with this point in anticipation until it is over.

I had this mostly during my time in school – I’ve only noticed this pattern once in a while since I’ve moved to the farm.

At school this mostly had to do with performance projects like talking about a subject in front of a whole bunch of people – I really did not like that. I would then from the moment that I would get knowledge of the point, go into a ‘down’/’burdened’ state and just in general feel like blah. If the point was only due to take place within a week, I would for every day of that week feel all “blah”, with increasing intensity as the event/point would get closer.

In the mornings I would wake up, and feel fine like – aah, there my eyes open, it’s a new day, it’s so nice and comfy in my bed and the soft sheets, it’s so nice to wake up like this…. (I wouldn’t actually *think’ this stuff, it’s more the general sensation that would go through me while opening my eyes and stretching out in bed) – and then I would stop for a moment and go (the next part I would think): “This is not right, something’s out of place – why am I feeling fine?” And then I’d quickly scan through my memory as to what is supposed be wrong with my morning and how I am experiencing myself and then I’d hit the points like “Oh right, that project thing is happening tomorrow, and then there’s that other thing I have to do” and then BAM my ‘down’/’burdened’ energy mode kicks in, locks me in – and just like that in a split second my entire mood changes from being fine, embracing a new day to feeling heavy/depressed , not wanting to get out of bed and wondering why my life sucks so much – and then that energy/moods pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the day. And everyday I will do the same thing where every new morning getting closer to the point, it will get more ‘intense’ – until I am passed the point.

So a day or two ago, this pattern showed its face again and I saw how I was fucking up my whole day with just this one thought in the morning. This is not cool so within the next blog(s) I will be walking this point in Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Actions.

Related articles

• Day 62: Anxiety Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 78: Blame Character
• Day 94: Morality Character
• Day 119: Suppression Character
• Day 61: Self-Disappointment