Thursday, 20 September 2012

Day 56: Fearing Myself



This blog is a continuation to:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the sound of a door opening and closing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed an additional meaning to the sound of a door opening and closing – where other than this sound meaning that a door has opened and closed – I attached the meaning of ‘opportunity for conflict’ unto the sound and created a relationship connected between the sound and this meaning as an idea/belief inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an emotion experience as energy as fear and anxiety to the sound of a door opening and closing – where I believed within myself that the sound of a door opening and closing is a ‘bad omen’ and token for conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have jumped inside myself when I would sit at home and hear the door open and close – where I would ‘kickstart’ fear and anxiety within myself and think “Oh oh, I hope it’s not dad”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had some sort of advantage within reacting within fear and anxiety to the sound of the front door opening and closing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that I was in no way having an ‘advantage’ over the situation within being in fear and anxiety, as all I was doing was putting myself under strain without influencing/affecting the situation in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear the door open and close downstairs and be able to discern that it was my father who came home – have placed myself into ‘lockdown’ within fear and anxiety and try to remain in my room in an attempt to avoid my father and within that avoid conflict

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seen and realised that if my father was out for conflict then it was going to happen no matter if I was going to stay in my room or not so there was no point in modifying my behaviour for the sake of ‘what if’ – where just because of this ‘what if’ I place myself on lockdown and confine myself to a stressful experience which in no way assists or supports me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear loud noises coming from downstairs, slowly and quietly work my way to the staircase outside of my bedroom door, and try and identify what they are talking about so I can see whether I am being mentioned or not so that I know if I have to go into hiding or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I could hear loud noises coming from downstairs and trying to ‘hear-in’ on what is going on, have believed that if I can find out what they are arguing about that I can do something to change/fix the situation for myself in terms of minimalizing conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear loud noises coming from downstairs and go sit on the staircase to find out what they are arguing about – have gone into massive fear and petrification where I breathe very shallowly just in case they can hear me breathe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would be listening in to what my parents were arguing about downstairs and would hear my name – to start crying almost instantaneously and think “Oh no, not again” and go hide in my bed/bathroom next to my room in the hope that I would be able to avoid conflict this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I would hear my father’s footsteps on the stairs have increased my levels of anxiety and fear within anticipating him coming to my room and stirring up conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created strenuous situations for myself – where every day I would place myself in a state of fear and anxiety within the fear of ‘what if’ – where yes from time to time my father would be coming up to my room and lash out on me / us – but where most of the time this wasn’t the case – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the worst part about fearing conflict as the fear itself as all the days and nights spent in fear and anxiety which combined add to more distress and unpleasantness than the actual conflict occasions and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the fear of conflict was not me fearing my father but fearing how I would experience myself within facing my father and thus I was actually fearing myself as I was the one generating and creating the various experiences as fear, anxiety and petrification and so the point was never to ‘avoid the conflict’ but to come to a point where I can manage myself as my inner experiences as this is what I really feared


When and as I see myself going into a negative energy charge upon hearing the sound of a door opening and closing within the belief that this sound implies ‘a door to conflict’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am reacting within a programmed response pattern based on the past as memory and that this implication/meaning is a make-belief I created myself and so I commit myself to breathe, be here and let go of the energetic charge experience

When and as I see myself reacting within an emotional experience of fear and anxiety to the sound of a door opening and closing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not here but acting within and as memory and thus I commit myself to stop my participation within fear and anxiety and ground myself here as my physical body within and as breath

When and as I see myself reacting to the sound of people arguing / conflict and wanting to find out whether I am being mentioned or not – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the conversation/argument is either about me or it is not and I will find out if I am involved and that there is no point being stressed out ‘just in case’ and so I commit myself to stop participating in the fear of ‘what if’ and wanting to gain a sense of control within wanting to find out whether I am being mentioned – but just be here within and as breath and unconditionally let go of the fear and trust myself to deal with the situation if necessary

When and as I see myself minimalizing my breath when hearing conflict within the fear that someone might notice me and re-direct their conflict/anger towards me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within holding my breath/breathing shallowly I am only keeping myself as fear in place and in no way actually supporting myself – and so I commit myself to snap out of my fear and allow myself to breathe unconditionally and trust myself to deal with the situation if it were to come my way

When and as I see myself wanting to cry/break down within hearing my name mentioned within conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there is no point within becoming all emotional within knowing that the conflict is somehow related to me – as I know that I will just feel shitty and depressed with myself if I continue participating within this breakdown – and so I commit myself to breathe be here and trust myself to deal with the situation / direct myself when the point opens up

When and as I see myself perceiving conflict as something ‘out there’ which ‘happens to me, done unto me by another’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the main point/issue at hand is the conflict I experience inside myself as fear and anxiety and so When and as I see myself reacting in fear to conflict within wanting to avoid conflict – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that what I am trying to avoid is my own inner experience as how I believe I will experience myself and thus I commit myself to work on myself as fear and anxiety so that I no longer compromise myself and my living within fear of conflict


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