Saturday, 29 September 2012

Day 65: Fear of Sharing

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
Day 64: Holding on to Myself 

A pattern I have noticed all throughout my life is that ‘fear of sharing’. This relates mostly to sharing how I experience myself, which I experience as being a ‘vulnerable’ point for myself. Whenever someone points out something which I am experiencing and they are correct, I feel naked, exposed – almost violated. The same when they ask me how I am doing or dealing with a particular point – I rather just not talk about it.

I was reflecting on this point and saw how it linked in to the point I have touched on in my previous blogs, in terms of ‘valuing who I am as a person’. Because, the fear of me sharing and the fear of being exposed indicates how I have created a relationship to the thoughts/feelings and emotions I experience inside myself, and believe them to be ‘me’. Where these experiences are almost ‘sacred’-like within my perception of myself as that which I ‘constitute’ of, and where I fear sharing this ‘sacred’ part of myself as my emotions/thoughts/feelings as believing that ‘this is what makes me ‘me’ ‘ and needs to be protected/safeguarded at all cost.

Whenever Bernard would point out some of the things I’d be dealing with, either in private or in public – I would immediately go into fear, almost petrification (and more intensely in a ‘public’ setup) – where I ‘gasp’ inside myself and feel all vulnerable and exposed like, “there you have it, this is who I am – for all to see” , where I feel like my ‘inside’ has just been ‘taken out’ and laid bare outside of myself within having laid out what I am experiencing/facing and where I just want to grab it and put it back inside me before anyone else sees it – because “this is me” and “you can’t just put it out there, this is like my beingness, this is sacred! How dare you!” LOL.

Within those moments I would also immediately judge myself, because I believe my emotions/thoughts/feelings to be me as ‘who I am’ – while all the while they are just the result/product of all the various inputs in my life as my childhood/upbringing and environmental stimulations. So this ‘me’ that I believe to be so sacred and real, is really just an illusion. Yet this point ‘sharing’ and ‘putting it out there’ I still fear, because I still relate my experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions to be ‘me’ and having a particular value.

In this point is also a dimension of ‘fear of being exploited’, where I fear that if others know how I experience myself as thoughts/feelings and emotions that this can be used against me. Though this only again reflects my attitude towards myself, since I am holding these experiences as thoughts/feelings and emotions ‘personal’ and so whenever someone takes these on or mentions them, I take it personal from the starting point of ‘but this is who I am’. So it’s quite interesting to see how vast this point is of believing that who we are is just this bunch of feelings/emotions and thoughts, and where we believe ourselves to be ‘special’ because of our apparent ‘unique composition/mix of thoughts/feelings and emotions’, which ‘make up who we are’. But where we really are all pretty much the same – I mean, all these experiences as thoughts/feeling and emotions are still ‘programs’ in their design, where some have more of one program than another, which makes them apparently ‘different’ and ‘unique’ compared to others – but in the end = we’re all still robots.

Listening to the Life Reviews this point also opened up, where each being will have a particular point that ‘stands out’ which pretty much determined their life and so ‘who they were’, yet I could identify myself with each and every being sharing their Life Review – from the poor person to the rich person, from the spiritual person to the business person, from abused to the abuser. So this again shows how no matter how ‘different’ we believe ourselves to be from others, the underlying blueprints/dynamics of what we participate in is always the same, but its appearance may differ. And this point that ‘one is not special’ is actually liberating, because now you can stop taking things personal because everyone is just as equally fucked as you are lol.

I mean, what are feelings/emotions and thoughts? They are just programs, they are just layers of information – so it is actually really stupid to “fear” sharing these or having them exposed – because they don’t “mean” anything other than the information they contain. It’s simply a matter of realising that we’ve currently accepted and allowed ourselves to be instructed and act upon programs that contain ‘pieces of information’ which are not to our benefit – and so to lay out the information which we currently rely on to live our lives before us, to deconstruct it and replace it with something supportive, and where things such as ‘judgment’ and ‘taking it personal’ only complicate and hamper what is in essence a very simplistic process.
Enhanced by Zemanta
Post a Comment