Sunday, 23 September 2012

Day 58: Reasoning as Self-Sabotage

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 57: Sound of Laughter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted within annoyance to laughter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted within annoyance to the sound of laughter within the belief that it is not fair for someone to have fun while I am not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have blamed another for my experience, where I compared my experience to theirs and concluded that it's "not fair" within the belief that my experience was caused by another and that I was the victim of this and in no way responsible for how I was experiencing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I find myself experiencing myself in an unpleasant way, immediately go and deflect this experiences within blaming someone or something else for how I experience myself so I would have to do the job of looking inside myself and see how I created this experience for myself so that I do not have to change

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I was merely being angry and annoyed at myself for having created an unpleasant experience for myself, and where another had created a fun experience for themselves and found myself annoyed for not doing the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with thoughts such as "He shouldn't be doing this right now, he's wasting his time" to validate that how I am experiencing myself is justified on the grounds that the other is apparently 'doing something wrong' and that therefore I apparently have the right to be annoyed/angry -- without seeing and realising that this backchat was just a front so that I would not have to look at myself and what I am doing to myself but rather blame another and cover up my point of responsibility using "reason" as 'look at what he's doing, that's not right' to redirect the attention from myself and convince myself that I have 'good reason' to experience myself the way I am experiencing myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only reason why I feel the need to 'build a case' for myself within coming up with justifications for why I am experiencing myself the way I do within backchatting that what another is doing is 'not right' and 'not fair' and that this is the reason why I feel annoyed -- merely shows/reveals/indicates that there are 'holes' in my standing within the need to 'defend' myself where I use 'reason' as backchat to show why I do not have to change -- where I actually know that I am lying/being dishonest with myself and then 'reason' my way out of it within self-manipulation and self-sabotage as to why I am not responsible and thus why I shouldn't change


When and as I see myself reacting within annoyance to the sound of  laughter – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that my annoyance has got nothing to do with the sound of laughter, but is me reflecting a point back to myself and so I commit myself to within that moment stop my participation within energy as annoyance and investigate the nature of my reaction

When and as I see myself reacting within annoyance to the sound of  laughter and think that it is “not fair” for another to have fun while I don’t – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am in fact the creator of my own experience and am being unfair to myself within not taking self-responsibility for my experience/reaction and so I commit myself to stop engaging in this energetic experience of annoyance and I stop my backchat and bring the point back to myself

When and as I see myself pointing fingers/blaming another for how I experience myself within comparing my experience to that of another and conclude that how I experience myself is “not fair” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the creator of my own experience and am  not allowed to relate my experience to that of another within trying to create/establish a causal link – and so I commit myself to reverse my pointing finger right back to myself and see/investigate for myself how I created this reaction within myself and stop/correct myself

When and as I see myself experiencing myself in an unpleasant way and immediately go and scan my environment for who I can blame for how I experience myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is an automated coping mechanism where I instantly deflect self-responsibility within looking for someone to blame so that I can justify why I am not doing anything about how I am experiencing myself because “look! It’s not me! He/She/that is causing me to experience myself this way, so I am not able to change because I wasn’t the initiator!! It’s beyond my powers!” – and so I commit myself to within that moment of deflecting, stop and snap myself out of this automatic mode and take self-responsibility within looking at my experience and changing it as myself within the realisation that I am in fact responsible for how I am experiencing myself as the creator of this experience and ground myself within and as breath

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts as backchat within the nature of justifications within reacting energetically such as annoyance to the sound of laughter with thoughts such as "He shouldn't be doing this right now, he's wasting his time"  – I stop and I breathe --  I see and realise that I am busy trying to ‘build a case’ for myself which only indicates/reveals/shows that I know that my accusation/statement is ungrounded and thus feel the need to ‘defend myself’ and so I commit myself to within that instant stop participating within the energy of annoyance and thoughts as backchat/justifications and see where I am lying / sabotaging / manipulating myself within protecting a part of myself that I do not want to change – and commit myself to walk this point which  I am hiding from within not wanting to change within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Actions

Post a Comment