Day 85: No More Grudges

 This blog is related to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection
Day 79: What Have I Done?
Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now
Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when I make a mistake and someone makes a big deal about it -- where I already feel bad about what I did / what happened and where the other person's reaction as being angry further intensifies the experience of self-judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the other person who is making a big deal within believing that it is their fault that the experience inside myself as self-judgment is escalating -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise responsibility within seeing, realising and understanding that I am the creator of my experience as emotion, feelings and thoughts and as such the other person is not creating or placing the experience within me, as I am the one creating, accessing the experience within me as what was already here, where the other merely functioned as a trigger within that moment and opened up the latent experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is unfair that another makes a big deal about me having made a mistake within getting angry at me -- without seeing and realising that I am the one creating the experience of 'feeling bad' as self-judgment within and as me, and thus I am in fact the one treating myself 'unfairly' within prioritizing making myself feel bad instead of looking at the practical correction which is required to take place / integrated within and as me to ensure that such mis-take does not re-occur again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the other person when I have made a mistake and a big deal is being made, where I take the other person's words, tonality, behaviour personal -- and make myself feel even worse about myself -- where I accept and allow myself to 'take note' of this event as in 'flagging it for future reference' as putting them in my imaginary mind 'black book' of people that require payback -- where instead of looking at the mistake as what happened for it to occur and investigating the nature of my inner experience -- I am making it all about 'them' and 'what they did to me' within making a big deal and me taking it personal, where I create a grudge against them which I carry with me to one day use against them

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the complete ridiculousness of getting angry at someone for having made a big deal about something, where self took this personal and further intensified the experience of self-judgment inside self -- which clearly indicate that the experience was already existent/present before the other did anything -- and so it is completely ridiculous to direct one's frustration towards another as 'I'll remember what you did to me and one day you're going to pay for it" -- as in essence they had nothing to do with the experience inside myself but only for a moment played the role of trigger to reveal to myself what was already existent within me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and hold grudges when people say/do something and I take it personal where I further intensify my already existent experience and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this grudge should be directed as myself within creating horrible experiences for myself which are completely unnecessary and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my experiences as grudges and see/realise how they are in fact related to me and that this indicate that I require to investigate the nature of my relationship with self as holding grudges towards oneself obviously constitutes a problem

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that at any point where I experience a thought, emotion or a feeling as a reaction to what another says or does -- that this is me creating the experience as thought, feeling or emotion within me and that there is thus no point blaming/projecting possible

When and as I see myself taking a point personal, where I made a mistake and felt bad about it and another made a big deal about it within getting angry about it and react to this within perpetuating the experience of self-judgment -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise the movement of intensified experience has got nothing to do with the other person but is me intensifying my own experience as what was already existent within me -- and so I commit myself to stop the belief/perception/idea that my experience is caused by another person, I ground myself through breath within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself experiencing an intensification of experience when another makes a 'big deal' about something I did as a mistake, and then as a response to that blame the other person within believing that how I feel as intensified experience is THEIR fault -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have throughout my life always blamed others for how I experience myself within the collective belief that we are not responsible/in control of our emotions and feelings -- where other people are 'mean' for instigating particular reactions within self -- all for the sake of avoiding self-responsibility. And so I commit myself to within that moment of wanting to move into blame: Stop and Breathe -- bring the point back to myself and investigate the nature of my experience as the self-judgment within having made a mistake and work through it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself within the moment of taking a person's behaviour personal as blame within believing that they are responsible for how I am experiencing myself, and within that want to 'make a note' as putting them in my 'black book' for future payback -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that what I am participating within is completely ridiculous and besides the point of the actual event, as me having made a mistake and requiring to look at how it manifested and what I can do to ensure that it doesn't happen again and so I commit myself to stop right there and let go of the grudge-creating and take the point back to myself and move myself to sort it out within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements as to take responsibility for my own experience

When and as I see myself wanting to create a grudge towards another -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this grudge is actually directed towards myself as it is directed to the apparent 'creator' of the experience -- which in fact is: ME -- and so I commit myself to sort out my relationship with myself within taking self-responsibility for my inner reality

I commit myself to re-pattern myself where I am used to immediately blame others for my inner experience -- change it to when and as I see myself reacting within thought, feeling or emotion as a reaction to something another says or does -- immediately hold the point and look at it from the perspective of my own creation -- where instead of me firs projecting it unto another, seeing what I am doing and then bringing it back to myself -- to right then and there within the moment of reaction see, realise, understand that it is me creating this experience for myself and thus I move myself to correct my experience and walk the point within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

Related articles

• Day 84: Vengeance is Mine
• Day 78: Self-Rejection
• Day 117: Self sabotaging Self Forgiveness
• Day 82: Self-Completion
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2

Day 9: Fear of War

In Belgium as a child, you get taught about the first and Second World War from a very early age. The teachers would talk about it, get you to memorize dates and maps, watch documentaries loaded with images of war and read books from people written on war, during the war.

I absolutely hated anything in relation to war because it scared the shit out of me. I could not understand when watching the images on the TV screen and reading the books how things could turn out so bad and wicked among human beings. I didn't want to see it and I didn't want to have anything to do with it.

Later during my life as a teenager I had created an immense resistance to watching war related movies and documentaries.  If I could avoid them, I did.

I did not want to imagine what those people had to live through, living in anxiety every single moment - day in and day out. Being physically deprived of food and sleep, being mentally alert and having a fright with each and every single noise.

A week or so ago I pushed myself to watch War Horse and place myself in the uncomfortable position of seeing images of war. I had to cry several times because the whole war thing is just so absolutely damn stupid.

I then also forced myself to listen to the EQAFE Life Review interview of "A Woman of War" and had a knot of anxiety in my stomach the whole time.

I remembered how the one time in high-school my religion teacher was talking about war and pointed out how everyone sitting in the classroom took war for granted, thinking that Wars were something of the past and that we would not have to deal with a war in our lifetime. He then pointed out that never a hundred years would go by without a war -- and that it was thus more likely than unlikely that we would face a war within our lifetime. This left me feeling sick for the rest of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear war

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, pain and destruction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing people die around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying of a painful death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to the atrocity of war with avoidance

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I do not like war, that avoiding the issue is not going to make a change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where teachers teach children about war and instil fear of war within the through images and literature -- without explaining WHY war exists within this world and what we can do to stop it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have responded to the animosity of war to finding practical solutions to stopping war and making sure that no-one would ever have to live through a war ever again

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fearing my own fear is not going to solve anything

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have investigated why war exists and why humans do crazy ass stupid shit like killing and bombing one another when we're all just earthlings sharing the same home called EARTH

I forgive myself that I have instead accepted and allowed myself to see and accept war as part of human nature and something that I should try to avoid at all cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child have made up war scenarios within my mind and plan out what I would do in different situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spent my time being occupied with what to do during wartime instead of spending my time ensuring that no more wars exist


I commit myself to the reformation of education where subjects are taught from a common sense perspective and not just for the sake of teaching history without practically explaining the mental instability that has to be existent within the human for having committed all these crime to life within waging wars -- I also commit myself within that to not just teach history from a starting point of heritage but to also look at and consider practical solution so we may actually LEARN something and so we can correct ourselves instead of learning how to fear the future due to our fuck-ups in the past

I commit myself to expose the atrocities of war which can be in no way justifiable

I commit myself to expose that that which we call "human nature" has in fact become an insult to life

I commit myself to the establishment of a World System where NO MORE WARS are waged

I commit myself to the re-education of the human being so it may sort out its mental instability as inner wars so that we do not have to live through outer wars

I commit myself to changing the current World System of Abuse and Insanity to one that Supports Life and is seated within Common Sense based on the principle of what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to change the Current World Economic System of Inequality to one of Equality for All so that no-one will ever have to go through a war ever again

I commit myself to expose the extensive amount of mental disorder that needs to exist for human beings to make the decision to go and blow one another up

I commit myself to showing that it does not have to be this way and that it is in fact possible to live in World without War