Saturday, 13 October 2012

Day 78: Self-Rejection

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by my brother and sister, because I perceived them to be ‘more’ than me within being ‘older’ and within being able to ‘read and write’ – which I saw as two major access points into participating within this world, as words are everywhere and I at that time did not yet have access to this part of reality, but they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to define them within myself as ‘superior’ for having this skill/ability and within that defined myself as ‘inferior’ inside myself within not being able to read/write or even understand English

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to show that I was unable to follow the show because I was not able to understand English nor read the Dutch subtitles and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had defined myself as ‘stupid’ and ‘less than’ within not being able to read/understand English and so not being able to ‘pick up’ on the humorous points within the show

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to hide that I was not able to understand the humour because I was unable to read or understand English – where I wanted my siblings to see me as an ‘equal’ whereas I saw myself as ‘weak’ for not being able to read or understand English, where I feared that if this were to become ‘public knowledge’, that they would reject me from their group and that I would be left alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘prove’ myself to my brother and sister and show that I can do what they can and participate within the same things within the starting point of fear as being left behind – where I faked being able to do what they were able to do to seek acceptance and validation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have closely monitored my brother and sisters behaviour while watching the show so that I would laugh when they laughed, to pretend that I was able to understand what was going on and that I liked the same things they liked – so I could be part of the group

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to closely monitor my brother and sister’s reactions as laughter so that I could ‘pick up’ when something funny was happening and quickly ‘join in’ as to not feel being left out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my brother and sister laughed to check whether I’d laugh just because they were laughing – have gone into anger and embarrassment within realising what just happened, where my ‘game’ had just been exposed and where I felt weak, inferior and clueless – but where instead of looking at my reaction and the nature of my behaviour – went into anger and blame where I saw their actions as mean and deliberate, where I blamed them for the way I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the reason why I went into anger, blame, inferiority – was not because of my brother and sister – but because what I was doing had just been openly exposed, where I already before anything happened was judging myself for my inability to read / understand English and thus unable to understand the humour – and where within that moment of them exposing me, these inherent feelings came out more intensified – but instead of taking self-responsibility I placed the responsibility within the hands of my brother and sister within “them making me feel this way” – without seeing and realising that the anger is only here because I already knew what I was doing towards myself within the relationship that I was busy creating towards myself, but did not do anything about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my brother and sister for how I was experiencing myself within the belief/perception/idea that they had done ‘injustice’ unto me – without seeing and realising that I was the one being unjust with myself within making myself feel dumb, stupid, weak, inadequate and inferior – and where they within that moment merely triggered these already existent emotions/definitions inside myself to come up to the surface – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of this memory and the anger as negative energy attached to this memory – as I now see/realise/understand that this moment was merely an opportunity for me to see and realise what I had been doing to myself, but where I did not take responsibility for myself and my experience and also could not have within not having been taught the proper tools to deal with my own inner reality – and so I allow myself to let go of this memory as the various energies attached to it and embrace what happened as me within seeing/realising what happened and what requires to be done on my part to sort myself out


When and as I see myself accessing the idea that ‘older age’ means that someone is ‘more than’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is an idea that older people like to implement/use because It gives them an advantage as an unquestioned authority to keep doing what they’re doing without having anyone question them just on this point of ‘age’ and so I commit myself to let go of all value/meaning I attached to the point of someone being ‘older’ so that I can stop manipulating myself into submission just because of this belief

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that someone who can read and write is ‘more than’ someone who is not able to read and write – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that reading and writing are not skills one are born with, but skills that require to be taught within consistency – and so this does not carry any form of ‘inherent value’ as whether one is able to read and write is dependent on the environment one finds themselves within and what stage in life one is – and so I commit myself to let go of this value system/belief and when faced with this point to breathe and ground myself within my human physical body

When and as I see myself reacting within inferiority when faced with a skill/ability that I have not yet integrated as myself but that others have – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that having this skill is dependent on practice and so there is no point of impose inferiority unto myself as these only limits me and so I commit myself to take on the practice of the skill/ability that I am faced with within the realisation that this skill/ability doesn’t just come ‘out of nowhere’ but takes time, dedication and support to develop

When and as I see myself reacting within shame and embarrassment with regards to not having mastered a particular skill and where I want to hide this – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am going to hide my inability to do something, then I am only going to keep myself within not being able to do something – and so I commit myself to stop participating within shame, embarrassment, judgment and so in hiding – as I see/realise/understand that there is no need for any form of judgment and that hiding is in fact counterproductive – instead I set myself up to open up the point of wanting to learn this new skill/ability and allow myself to move/grow instead of judging myself and holding on to my self-limitation

When and as I see myself access the belief that if one does not know a particular skill/ability that one will be rejected/left alone – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this belief merely reflects my attitude towards myself where I reject myself within being unable to do something, and so it is and has never been about ‘me proving myself to others’ – but ‘me proving myself to me’ within the belief that there was something wrong with me and within that very statement reject myself – and so I commit myself to stop participating within this belief and fear and commit myself to investigate the nature of my self-rejection and address it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself wanting to or being busy monitoring others’ behaviour within ‘looking for clues’ on how to act – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this merely indicate insecurities within myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern, breathe, ground myself here as my human physical body and investigate the nature of the insecurity within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself shaping/moulding my behaviour in order to be able to be part of a group – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that me wanting to change/mould myself and my expression indicate a problem with my self-relationship within and towards myself and so I commit myself to stop participating within this pattern – breathe, be here within and as my human physical body and investigate /take apart the point within writing and Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements/Application

When and as I see myself reacting within anger, frustration, embarrassment, shame, inferiority to something another says or does and within that go into an immediate movement of blame – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this moving into blame is me not taking responsibility for myself and my inner reality/relationship with myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and so I commit myself to be grateful for this event/situation as an opportunity to get to know myself better and re-construct my relationship with myself to one that is Best for All Life
 
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