Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Day 67: You can HEAR me?!

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 62: There Must be Something Wrong!
Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
Day 64: Holding on to Myself 
Day 65: Fear of Sharing
Day 66: Valuing my Inner Space

When I was a kid I thought that humming sounds/songs was just like having thoughts, in terms that you were the only one who could ‘hear’ what you were humming, just like you are the only one who can ‘hear’ what you’re thinking.

I liked humming a lot in primary school as a form of entertainment in class and outside the class.

When the bell would ring as a signal that break –time was over, all the pupils would rush to their class’ designated spot, and within that spot – each student also had a specific place they had to be in. Everyone had to be in lines, in pairs and be quiet before the teachers would take us into our class. There was this one teacher who liked walking around with a hand bell and shake it very loudly in the ears of any pupils still talking / making a noise.

If there was still noise/whispers going on while they were walking around the lines before taking us to class, they’d tell us that we were going to have to keep standing right there where we were. Since I believed that humming was just like thoughts, and that no-one could hear it but me – I would hum very loudly while standing in the line, thinking that I was so clever that I could still make noise without anyone hearing it – and within that kind of ‘cheat the system’. I’d do my best to hum as loud as I could and then the teachers would inspect the lines and walk right by me without reacting to my humming or saying anything about it, and I felt so good about myself that I could make this noise without anyone noticing – like I had this secret space where I could still do whatever I wanted even if I couldn’t do it ‘out there’.

And since none of the teachers ever made a remark about my humming, I kept on believing that my humming was only heard by me (obviously the humming was audible, but I think that since most teachers really liked my older brother and sister and saw us as ‘good students’, that they didn’t bother to say anything about my weird behaviour lol).

Then, waaay later – well not that much later, maybe a few months, a year? – we were in Spain with the family during the holidays. Me and Maite were making our way to go downstairs because we were about to go somewhere or say hi to someone. As I was running/jumping off the stairs I was humming a Cranberries song and as we moved down the stairs Maite started the sing the song that I was humming.

And then it hit me.




She can hear me


I went into complete shock/fear – and I asked her “why are you singing this song?” And then she’s all plainly responds “Well you were humming it”.

I was so freaked out – this meant that during all those years of my LOUD humming in many public places/occasions – everyone actually heard me?


I felt so embarrassed lol.

Although this whole ‘humming’ point is quite innocent in itself, what I found interesting in this memory is how I related ‘humming’ to ‘thinking’ as something I can do in my own space to entertain myself, where I believed that even though there were ‘physical constraints’ (like being in class or having to be quiet somewhere) – I could still do what I want and enjoy the freedom of my mind.

So following from this, I will be working on this point of perceived ‘freedom’ in my mind as a place where I can ‘do what I want’ and so in essence ‘escape’ from reality.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow

Enhanced by Zemanta
Post a Comment