Saturday, 20 October 2012

Day 84: Vengeance is Mine


This blog is related to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection
Day 79: What Have I Done?
Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see someone make a mistake -- see this as a perfect opportunity to make them feel bad for what they did -- even though I see and realise that what they have done is not 'bad', but where I see the other take the point personal which means that if I make a big deal out of it they will feel even worse about it -- from the starting point of wanting to get back at them for all the times that I felt bad when a big deal was made about me making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make a big deal out of someone else's mistake -- not because it would be best for all -- but because I want to experience personal revenge

I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to want to make a big deal and get angry when seeing another having made a mistake and seeing that they are talking it personal -- where instead of showing that they do not have to take it personal, I will want to go and 'throw salt into their wound' just to satisfy my vengefulness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see someone having made a mistake and being distressed about it -- to want to want use this as an opportunity to get angry for all the times where the other had gotten angry at me and where I felt bad -- so they could feel as bad as I had felt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have want to get angry and lash out at my partner for the sake of wanting to make him feel bad for the mistake he made, from the starting point of feeling like I was 'wronged' in the past and wanting to wrong them back

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that getting back at someone through being angry at them for having made a mistake is not supportive at all but will only perpetuate the cycle of getting angry at each other and self when a mistake was made, where instead of looking at a practical correction, a 'big deal' is made where the point of feeling bad as self-punishment received emphasis over self-correction which then only leads to more mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see someone having made a mistake, go into a mode of "Hmm, now I can finally get back at them" where instead of looking at what would be supportive for the other in terms of dealing with self-judgment in having made a mistake -- go and use the point of self-judgment and try and make it worse


When and as I see someone make a mistake and see this as a perfect opportunity to make them feel bad for what they did -- even though I see and realise that what they have done is not 'bad' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am wanting to get back at them for all the times that I felt bad when a big deal was made about me making a mistake, where I am just making them feel like how I felt previously, which is not a solution at all. And so I commit myself to snap myself out of this, breathe, be here, ground myself as my human physical body and let go

When and as I see myself wanting to make a big deal out of other people's mistakes -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to exert vengefulness for the sake of doing unto another as had been done unto me -- where I want to make them feel bad as I had felt bad so that I can feel better about myself -- and so I commit myself to stop right then and there and to investigate the nature of my experience so I can sort out this nastiness and stop the cycle of abuse

When and as I see another having made a mistake and take it person, and see myself go into wanting to make a big deal about / get angry -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am only attempting to throw 'salt in their wound' and make them feel worse -- and so I commit myself to stop right then and there and move myself to instead see how I can assist and support the person within walking through the point of taking the mistake personal

When and as I see another make a mistake and within that see myself wanting to abuse this opportunity to get angry and make them feel bad -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am wanting to make them feel bad because I feel like I have been 'wronged' in the past -- and so I commit myself to stop right then and there and instead look / investigate the nature of my experience as "I have been wronged" and sort it out within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see another having made a mistake and feeling bad about it, and see myself wanting to use this as an opportunity to get angry to make them feel worse -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is not supportive as I am placing the emphasis on punishment as making someone feel bad about themselves instead of consequence and self-correction where I walk the person through the mistake and the consequence which resulted from it within simplistically showing that this happens when you do that so that the person can realise what was mis-taken, walk through the consequence and learn from this as to not make the same mistake again

When and as I see another having made a mistake and have thoughts in the line of "Hmm now I can finally get back at them" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have completely side-tracked off the point where I am making the point about personal gratification within wanting to get revenge -- and so instead I commit myself to stop the thoughts/backchat and investigate what these reveal about the nature of myself and re-align myself within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements
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