Monday, 15 October 2012

Day 79: What Have I Done?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I saw my nephew do the exact same thing when I was younger, as in laughing at things on the same show without knowing what exactly was funny about it – have seen this as the ‘perfect opportunity’ to get back for myself what I perceived had been ‘stolen from me’ – where I felt like it was now my turn / time to be in a superior position, and decided to ‘catch him out’ in what he was doing, the same way as how my siblings had done to me – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was my ‘right’ to do this and that it was now my turn to make someone else feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caught out my nephew in what he was doing as laughing at things where he didn’t really know what he was laughing at – from the starting point of ‘getting back’ at my brother and sister through making my nephew feel bad – where I went and stole his energy for the sake of compensating the energy I had lost when I was smaller when the same thing happened with my siblings and me – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was now ‘getting even’ within catching out my nephew in what he was doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have caught out my nephew in what he was doing as laughing at things there he didn’t really know what he was laughing at – without for a moment considering how this would affect him even though I had experienced first-hand what I went through when it happened to me – where I only cared about getting an energy surge from catching him out on his pretence and within that feel all high and mighty within having busted him for something I could clearly see he was not comfortable with (in terms of not getting the humour) – where I felt so clever for having picked up on this and having caught him out so I could make myself feel better about myself within making him feel worse about himself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just have gone ‘with it’ when seeing the opportunity to gain back the energy I once lost as a child – where I immediately went, ‘yes, yes – this is what I must do let me do this’ in an almost “Gollum” like way, being single-mindedly focused on getting my precious energy back without considering the consequence of my actions or how my actions would influence the other person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked at what I was seeing as the expression on my nephew’s face after I had ‘caught him out’ – as all of a sudden I found myself being faced with myself all those years ago and it was as if I was staring myself in the face – and the face was hurt, where I felt like I had cheated on myself within doing unto him what had been done unto me without for a moment considering that for me to feel good, I would have to make him feel bad – which was exactly how it played out/what happened – but then as I was faced with his expression I only too late realised the ‘reality’ of what I had done, where I had been so concerned/obsessed with only my own personal “wellbeing” that I completely forgot/disregarded how I had felt when it had been done unto me – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within that moment where I saw the opportunity to do unto another as had been done unto me – to have stopped within the realisation that I did not like what had happened, and that it would thus be hypocritical / a lie to do it unto another, and within that moment stop participating within the temptation of energy and ground myself back here within my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘after the facts’ as seeing the hurt expression on my nephews face and realising what I just had done – have gone and hide behind my mom because the realisation of what I had done was just too painful/uncomfortable to bear – as I had been very upset at my brother and sister for what they had done all those years ago and yet I now had placed myself in that exact same position – where I felt like I was completely evil and went into regret as shame and embarrassment for having cheated on myself within making my nephew feel how I did not want to feel – and where instead of looking at what I had done and what processes were involved to get to a point of accumulation where I acted out what had been done unto me and correcting myself – I went into hiding and suppression and try to forget what just had happened because I found myself too shocked/perplexed to handle what had just happened / what I had just done – where I went to hide behind my mom and kind of suck on my fingers/play with them in my mouth as a point of self-suppression instead of taking responsibility for what I had done – although I also see / realise / understand that I could only have done so much within not having been taught/educated on how the mind processes work and why I was tempted to do unto my nephew what had been done unto me – where at the same time I would have been able to use myself as a reference within the point of being aware that I was acting out a form of ‘payback’ and kind of in the back of my mind knowing that this was ‘not cool’ – where I could have stopped myself right then and there just on that point
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