Thursday, 18 October 2012

Day 83: Sweet! I can get Angry now

This blog is related to:

Day 76: Wanting to be Liked
Day 77: Confessions of a Child Junkie
Day 78: Self-Rejection
Day 79: What Have I Done?
Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2

A few days ago Gian went to turn in our tablet because it wasn’t charging anymore. He took out the sim-card because it still had internet data on it that we could use on the farm while the tablet was getting fixed.

Then later, when I asked where the sim was, he couldn’t find it – he’d lost it.

When I realised that he had made a mistake, I saw it was no big deal. He’d lost the sim, we’d get a new one and transfer the data, and then he won’t make the mistake again. But then there was this other side, which was going “Sweet, now I can get all angry at him and make a big deal about it for all those times when he’s gotten mad at me for making a mistake”. But then I looked at the thought and saw that this just made no sense at all, I’d rather not make a big deal out of it, and just sort it out as that’s what I would like for myself – so that I don’t create a situation of ‘fear of making mistakes’ – but rather just walk through the consequence of having to go to town and paying for a new sim and transfer and then that’s a nice reminder to not lose simcards again lol.

When we were talking about what we were going to blog about, I shared with him what I wrote here, and then I saw how it was actually the exact same point I wrote about in Day 76, Day 77, Day 78, Day 79 and Day 80 – where I worked on the point of ‘doing unto another as has been done unto you’ – where in this case, I wanted to get angry – not because I was angry – but because I could get angry, where I reasoned that I could now get angry just so I could get back at Gian for all the times he’s gotten angry, where I perceived it as completely unnecessary and him just making a big deal out of it just for the sake of making a big deal out of it. So now that I saw that he’d lost the sim, and was a bit distressed about the thing – my mind went “Hmm, perfect moment to make a big deal where he can take it nice and personal”.

It was cool to just disregard the thoughts, because they were obviously stupid – and cool to see how this point of ‘getting back’ at people pops up in different ways with different faces.

So here specifically the points of ‘getting back’ stood out, and then the point where I wanted him to take it ‘nice and personal’ – which then reflects back to me that I still blame him for me having taken things personal in the past where he’d gotten angry at me for making mistakes.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements to Follow…
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