Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself

Yesterday another birdie was found on the farm.

I was busy studying while I heard Gian getting a call in the room. He came out and his face had an expression of hesistation, and a slight grin/smile -- as he said that Fidelis found a birdie.

I shared him the same face/expression back -- because each time we find a birdie, we go into that space of uncertainty: What type of Bird is it (as this influences how easy/difficult it is to take care of them)? Is it hurt? Will the bird make it?

Then, about 15 minutes after Gian had left to get the birdie, he came into the house with his hand closed, with the again the same facial expression as he said: "It's a TweeTweet".

There, my heart skipped a beat, because we had previously taken care of a birdie, TweeTweet, -- which we at that time we thought to be a Fiscal Flycatcher, but now after revision, we found out it's actually a Fiscal Shrike -- where we had a lot of fun/interesting times with the birdie, until it tragically died/drowned two years ago.

Now, this birdie -- looks EXACTLY the same as TweeTweet, and is at the exact same physical development stage as when we found TweeTweet two years ago. This species of bird is the only one we've had so far (well, besides the two Parrots which we still had to feed by hand, and the chick and gosling) that is totally okay with being around Humans and is easy to feed, as it will just cry/scream and open its mouth wide whenever it is hungry.

So whenever there's the point of a new 'birdie', I slightly go into the fear of 'what if' -- as not many birdies have made it so far. And now that the birdie was a TweeTweet, I went into it a bit more as I don't want to go through the same point in the past. When we first had TweeTweet, we were quite 'new' and 'innocent' in relation to the whole taking care of baby birds thing. But now that we've had to deal with many deaths, I am now more fearful when handling/taking care of them. Birds have this thing where their head gets all loose and floppy and it looks like it has lost all of its strength, which usually means a point of 'giving up' on the side of the bird, where the birdie does not see itself surviving and just 'gives up', where the head will start wobbling and flopping to the back or side, and usually soon after the birdie will die within having made that decision of 'giving up'.

So now for instance, with this new birdie, each time I see its head move in a direction that may possible be this 'floppy head' movement, I experience a little shock of "OH NO, what if he/she's going into it!". Which usually only happens for a split of a second as the birdie is moving its head to reach to its chest to for instance preen itself.

So now I have an opportunity to walk through this point again.
Though now there's also some additional points to consider, since last time that we had TweeTweet we only had her, the lizards and a little sparrow -- and she could pretty much roam the room without disturbing anyone.

Now we have the Parrots and they may possible go into a point of conflict with one another if either one perceives the other to be more dominant. So there I saw I had an additional fear of 'how is this going to work out with the Parrots'.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow
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